She comes in each morning to lift up the shades. The morning light temporarily blinds me. I grimace but don't complain. Her presence reassures me that at least some things are normal, that life can still function even after all the devastation. She talks to me some days, sits quietly with me on others. I am still so weak and wonder if I will ever recover from the physical abuse and mental degradation I have suffered. I can't find the energy to eat yet I am starving for mercy, for forgiveness of what I did so long ago, for what I did recently and for the pain I afflicted upon her. I can't fall asleep at night yet I lie awake reliving the battle, wondering where we went wrong- how we could possibly allow so many to die. She tries to calm my thoughts, to bring me peace but it takes all my strength to hang on, to not give up and let the darkness close around me. She tells me that I can't fall back into the familiar emotions that have me wishing for a sweet release, for the easy way out.
Night lift up the shades, let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes.
She says she needs me, that I am her constant just as much as she is mine. But how stupid could I be? How can I expect her to wait around for me to rise from my depression only to realize I could never please her, never make her happy. I would only bring her down with me. A simpleton could see that she would be no good for me either. I would always hate her for confining her light to someone so unworthy of it as me. I would hate myself for torturing her and hate her for always shrugging it off as she has done before. But she's the only one I see, the only one who puts up with me long enough to maybe make a difference in my life.
How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see.
The more time she spends with me, treating me as an equal rather than an invalid to be pitied, the more I find myself consumed by her light, her kindness. I feel like a fool, mindlessly falling into… yes, love. Her smiles set me on fire but all I can do is look back, feeling as if I'm floundering for the right thing to do, to say, to feel. I can't talk to her, I can barely speak but I want to scream for the pain to go away and for it to be alright for me to love her. But what would her answer be? Surely, she will leave me soon, perhaps when she feels her duty towards me is done. How could I expect her to stay with me? I can't promise her happiness, I can't promise her anything. And yet she continually talks to me of fabulous places I will see when I am well, of wonderful things I will be able to do once I am free of my pain and misery. She creates an amazing oasis while she sits in my room, her calming images floating around my head. But when she goes, all that dries up and I am left with my misery and self-hatred. I feel as if I am burning, stuck in a desert with no relief when she leaves at the end of the day. How stupid could I be? I feel like such a love sick fool!
Love has made me a fool, set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
And you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places
Create an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you.
Everything has changed since the war. I feel as if my life has fallen apart, leaving confusion in its wake. I hate feeling as if I've lost control of my life but I know, in reality, I never had control of it to begin with. But now, my future looms ahead of me, as does her smiling face and I know I've lost all control of rational thought. This weakness I feel is not just physical. It is an ever-fixed mark on my very soul. (1).
Everything changes, everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know
(1) Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. "O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark/ That looks on tempests and is never shaken…"
It's been a while since I've posted anything for this series. Hope you guys like it!
This fic is dedicated to SeverusSnapePotionsMaster13 who has read and reviewed both of my other fics in this series. Hope you like this one just as much as the others!