A/N: This is just a short little one-shot. It always bothered me that Harry never tried to talk to Sirius when he went into his "fits of sullens." (I think that's what Mrs. Weasley called them…) To me, it just seemed very un-Harrylike to not go and try and help him. Harry goes through so much to try and save Sirius' life, but he turns a blind eye on Sirius' emotional pain? That makes no sense, so this is about if Harry did try and talk to Sirius.
Disclaimer: Most of the characters are not mine. Except Sirius. Obviously, J.K. Rowling didn't want him, or she wouldn't have killed off at all, and especially with curtains. So, he was up for grabs, AND NOW HE'S MINE.
You Come First
Harry glanced up the stair-case that he knew led to where his godfather was hiding. Because, when it comes down to it, thought Harry angrily. That's what he's doing. Hiding. I spent most of my life not even knowing I had a godfather, and now he's hiding from me.
Harry started to march up the stairs with a determined look on his face, fully prepared to tell Sirius off when he got to Buckbeak's room. Something in the back of his head, however, couldn't help but remind him that Sirius had been shut up in this house for a very long time, after being on the run from the government and twelve years in Azkaban. Harry could relate to being locked up, he hated being at the Dursley's, and after all, Sirius had the same feelings towards his parents as Harry had towards his Aunt and Uncle. To go back to Private Drive after he thought he would never be forced to go there again…well, that was something that made Harry shudder, and all of his anger disappeared. He felt a stab of pity for his godfather, though Harry thought angrily once more, that he had never taken his frustration out on anyone else.
Ah, but you have, said a voice in the back of Harry's head, that for some reason sounded very much like the Sorting Hat. You took it out on Ron and Hermione, even though you knew that none of it was their fault. And Harry had to admit that that was all too true.
Promising himself that he would apologize to Ron and Hermione, for now he suspected that he was feeling very much how they must have felt when he blew up at them, he finally reached the door that Sirius and Buckbeak were in. Harry hesitantly knocked on the door.
A gruff voice barked, "Who's there?"
"It's me," he said, then as an afterthought added, "Harry."
Sirius was reluctant to talk to anyone right now, even Harry, but after a moment's pause he said in a slightly softer tone, "Come in."
Harry pushed the door open gently and was greeted with the sight of his godfather staring unseeingly out the window and absent-mindedly petting Buckbeak on the head.
"Well?" asked Sirius after an awkward pause. He evidently thought that Harry had come up here for some other reason than that Harry was worried about him.
"Well…" Harry began, but than very suddenly found himself feeling very foolish that he had even come up here. Harry was the one that sought advice from Sirius, after all, not the other way around. Why would Sirius need the help of a fifteen year old boy?
"Something the matter?" asked Sirius, who had finally stopped looking out the window and cast a glance over his godson who was currently shifting back an forth on his feet and staring at the floor.
"Er…not really," said Harry. "I just wondered…what you were up to, is all."
"That can't be the only reason you came up here," said Sirius.
"No…I also wanted to…just, you know, talk," said Harry uncomfortably.
Sirius was about to ask why Harry would want to talk to him, but stopped himself when he remembered something that Remus had said to him the other day. Sirius had told Remus about Harry asking if he could stay at Grimmauld Place if he was expelled and about Sirius thinking that Private Drive really must be bad if Harry wanted to stay here. Remus had given him an odd look and said, "Isn't it obvious, Sirius? He doesn't want to stay here because he thinks this is a better house. He wants to stay here because this is where you are."
"Then sit down, we can talk," offered Sirius.
"Thanks," said Harry. He couldn't ever remember feeling so uncomfortable around Sirius. Usually he and his godfather got along fine.
"Was anything in particular on your mind?" asked Sirius, when it was clear that Harry didn't want to start the conversation.
"I just wanted to…make sure you were all right," said Harry, waiting for Sirius' response.
"Make sure…I was alright?" repeated Sirius.
"Well…you know….its just, I know how much you hate this house and…" Harry trailed off lamely.
"I'm fine, Harry. You don't have to worry about me," said Sirius in what he thought was an offhanded voice, and what Harry thought sounded like a very bitter tone.
"I know I don't like being locked up," said Harry.
"When were you ever locked up?" asked Sirius, for the first time displaying a genuine interest in the conversation.
"Well…almost every time I'm at the Dursley's, I feel locked up…but it really hit a low point for me the summer after my first year," said Harry.
"What happened?" Sirius asked. He had heard Harry and Ron joke about "how the muggles treat him," but he had never really thought that his godson had been mistreated until now.
"They found out that I couldn't do magic outside of school. I had…er, forgotten to mention that we weren't allowed to, so, of course they couldn't do anything to me if they thought that I could turn them all into pomegranates or something…" began Harry.
"Kind of like how you "forgot" to tell them that I'm not actually a mass murderer?" Sirius smiled.
"Yeah, pretty much. Well, eventually they found out, and they were livid," said Harry. "They put bars on the windows in my room, and locked me in there, 24/7," said Harry. "Oh, and they also padlocked Hedwig in her cage so that I couldn't send for help."
"They did that?" asked Sirius, aghast. "How long did they keep you in there?"
"Well, their plan was to keep me in there forever, I think. As Uncle Vernon put it, 'You're never going back to that school! Never! And if you try and magic yourself out, they'll expel you!' But his plan was thwarted," said Harry, starting to enjoy the retelling of this story, as he knew that he would see a look of admiration on his godfather's face when he found out how he had escaped.
"Thwarted how?" asked Sirius.
"Ron, Fred and George saved me," said Harry, his smile growing bigger. "They flew a car all the way from the Burrow to Private Drive."
"They flew a car?" Sirius let out a bark of a laugh.
"Yeah, it was brilliant," smiled Harry.
"A flying car," said Sirius. "That is definitely one the Marauders never thought of."
"If wasn't for all the other stuff we did, I think Ron and I wouldn't gone down in history for flying that same car into the Whomping Willow," said Harry.
"All the other stuff?" asked Sirius.
This led to many hours of re-telling of great tales, from both of them, and Harry barely noticed as it got steadily darker outside.
"I sure miss Hogwarts," said Sirius, after he had finished telling Harry about the time that, instead of turning his teapot into a tortoise during Transfiguration, he had accidentally hit Remus. Harry wondered if he was ever going to be able to look at Lupin the same again. He kept picturing him with this great big shell…and a turtle's tail, just as Sirius had described it.
"When they clear your name, you can come visit me all the time," said Harry. Neither of them had anyway of knowing that Sirius would never walk the grounds of Hogwarts as a living man again.
"I could come visit you before that, too. We can meet in Hogsmeade like we used to…" Sirius trailed off hopefully.
"No," Harry said a little louder than was necessary.
"I don't see why I can't come down, just for a bit," said Sirius testily.
"Don't you understand?" Harry was readily becoming upset at the thought of Sirius coming to Hogsmeade and getting caught.
"Don't I understand what?" asked Sirius, matching Harry's tone. How could the boy be so like James one minute and the next…?
"I can't lose you," said Harry quietly.
This short sentence startled Sirius. "W-what?"
"I can't remember my parents at all. The family I have got doesn't want me. When I'm at school, you're the only person outside that cares about me," said Harry.
"That's not true…" began Sirius.
"Not entirely, no," said Harry, avidly avoiding Sirius' gaze. "But you were the only one to ever take the time to write to me. Everyone else has got other priorities, and I understand that. They have their own families to worry about. It was just nice to have someone who cared about me for a change."
It was Sirius' turn to avoid Harry's gaze. How could he have known that Harry felt that much for him? Sure, Sirius had never thought of thinking of Harry as family, because the most of the relatives he had left were Death Eaters, but he had never known that Harry had felt the same way. That Harry might be just as alone as Sirius was.
"I didn't know," said Sirius. "That I was the only one."
"What do you mean?" asked Harry.
"That I was the only one to write to you. I just assumed…" said Sirius. "I mean, Molly treats you almost as if your one of her own kids, and Remus told me that you and him had talked a bit, back when he was teaching at Hogwarts…"
"But Mrs. Weasley has seven of her own kids to worry about," said Harry. "And I think that Professor Lupin is probably more concerned about finding a job than if I've had another duel with Malfoy. I don't come first with either of them, and I don't blame them for that. It was just nice to know that, at least with someone, I came first."
There was a silence for a minute, and then Sirius said, "I don't think that you still have to call him Professor Lupin."
"Oh, well," said Harry. "I still think of him that way…I mean, he was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we ever had."
"Well, that would be Moony for you. James always said he should be a teacher." laughed Sirius, then his face became more solemn and he said, "And Harry?"
"Yeah?" answered Harry.
"You still come first. You will always come first."
(A/N: You know what I was just thinking? Everyone makes Sirius/serious jokes, but nobody ever makes Harry/hairy jokes. Weird, isn't it? Anyway, review and you'll make me happy. To those that don't review: "You make me sad." Kudos to anyone who can tell me where that quote comes from.)