Title: Locked Away
Challenge: The Album Challenge
Timeline: I think it's supposed to be after X3.
Summary: Pyro reflects on why he didn't want to enter the relationship he has with Kitty.
Disclaimer: I don't own John/Pyro or Kitty/Shadowcat. I don't own X-Men. And I don't own Yellowcard.
Author's Note: Written to "Breathing" by Yellowcard. Lyrics here.
WARNINGS: A little foul language, but it's not like that's really anything new with John, now is it?
I can't sleep. It's not like that's a surprise, though. Lately, it's rare that I actually sleep more than three hours. That's not normal, I know, but there's not much I can do about it. I can't control my sleep patterns… all right, maybe I could if I really tried, but I don't really know what to do about it.
Kitty's sleeping beside me, and I can hear her heavy breathing. For some reason, that just seems to add to my suffering. It's not like she snores or anything—she really doesn't! But it's just the cherry on top that brings everything together and makes it whole enough to keep me from my much-needed sleep.
I guess it's guilt. What else could it be—really? There's a reason I didn't want to be in this relationship in the first place, but she just had to go and insist that I go on one date with her. After that, though, one turned to two and then to three and then eventually twelve to thirteen and fourteen.
Before that, I was so sure that I didn't need anyone. Of course, it helped that no one wanted to be anywhere near me, but that's far from the point. The point is, she forced me and it's her own damn fault. I was so damn sure before, but, now, I'm full of doubt. I had kept all my emotions locked away, and it made sense that way. Now, though, nothing makes sense. I'm on auto drive, and I don't know where I'm going. Honestly, my best bet is that I'm heading toward a river—a river of emotions that shouldn't be shown to every man, woman, and child in the whole fucking world. Well, I still say it's her own fucking fault.
Yeah, things were fine at the beginning, but, as everyone expected (mostly Iceman, to tell the truth), I screwed up. We fought. She screamed. I yelled. She ran away in tears. I lit a cherry tree on fire. And, yet, by some odd cosmic forces beyond any human or mutant control (as far as I know), when I apologized to her, she forgave me. Fucking stupid on her part if you ask me. What kind of idiot actually takes back the person that causes you the most pain? Well, Kitty does.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with this, though. We fight all the time, and she usually ends up crying—but she always comes back and accepts every single apology I make. This is exactly the reason I didn't want to pursue any 'feelings' I might have for her. Of all the people I know, Kitty would be the only one to forgive and forget over and over again. The only part I don't understand is why.
I asked her once. She just looked at me funnily like I was some sort of alien—like I was supposed to know why. I told her that I didn't but I really wanted to know, and so she finally said, "Because I love you." I didn't know what to say to that. No one had ever told me that before, so I just shrugged it off and rolled over on the bed, ready to try to fall asleep again. Yeah, like that worked.
I know I should stop picking fights with her all the time. I just don't really know what I should do around her, though. Before everything, I didn't know a thing about her except she was sort of a friend of Bobby's and she could walk through walls. I only knew her first name because Bobby would talk about her. Arguing is just a defense mechanism, I guess, but, with her, for some reason, I can't seem to stop it.
This weird relationship between the two of us is probably the only thing in my entire life that has actually scared me—well, at least since I was a little kid. I don't know what to do for what seems like the millionth time in my life, but I'm actually afraid this time. I don't know what to do.
But, somehow, this strange monotony of holding her all night and then fighting nearly every morning when she wakes up has it perks. I have to admit, I never thought that spending my nights with Kitty Pryde would be this satisfying. Sometimes, it doesn't feel all that monotonous… but then I remember.