Title: Wasted Days
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: Everyone that means a damn to me has turned their backs on me and now I am left out in the cold; alone like I was destined to be. xxMMxx Well, Sorta...
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
Walking along the seemingly endless stretch of road, all I can think about is what I am leaving behind. To be honest, I'm not leaving behind much. I know that is really sad to think, but I truly have no one now. Everyone that means a damn to me has turned their backs on me and now I am left out in the cold; alone like I was destined to be. I want to blame them for my current situation, but I know this is my fault alone. If I hadn't given in to my moment of weakness, if I hadn't opened my damn mouth, I wouldn't be here right now.
For quite some time now I have known that I am not right in the head. I never wanted anyone to see this, though, so I had relentlessly hid it. No one knew about the twisted thoughts that passed through my mind and, for a long time, I had been content with living a life of pretend. Over time it grew harder for me to keep it hidden, though, and eventually it started affecting everything I did. I could see the weird looks thrown my way, but I did my best to play ignorant.
I fucked everything up today, though, and there is no taking back what has been done. Dad and Sam know how fucked up I am and are now disgusted by me. Tonight at dinner they couldn't even look me in the eye; wouldn't even look in my direction. I have never been more ashamed of myself than I was at that moment. Knowing they couldn't even stand the sight of me, that just killed me right there. I had known they wouldn't take it with ease, but I wasn't expecting such disgust. I hadn't expected them to turn on me so quickly.
The pain is tearing my heart apart and I swear I can feel my soul dying. I don't know what I am going to do without them, but I do know one thing: they aren't the people I knew and there is no way I can stay with people who hate me. They are complete strangers to me. Besides, there is no way I can stay in a place I am not wanted; I am not strong enough to endure such ridicule day in and day out. I left as soon as they went to bed; not wanting them to see me go.
Well I waited for the sun to set that day
Before I made up my mind, I'd be on my way
And I looked back in time to catch a glimpse of you
But I didn't see anyone I knew
Sam had said time and time again that he would always be here for me. That it doesn't matter what I did, I will always be his brother and nothing could tear us apart. I had wanted to remind him of this, but he wouldn't even talk to me. I don't blame him for this, of course, I know what I told him came as a shock. But the fact that he turned on me so easily hurts more than any other pain I have ever felt. Out of everyone in my life, well, him and dad, he is the one person I can't live without. But he obviously doesn't want anything to do with me, so how could I stick around when I know that? It is impossible.
We have had our share of fights in the past, pretty severe ones at times, but we have always managed to work things out. I don't see us getting passed this, though. This is far more severe than anything we have dealt with in the past and I do believe this was the one thing to break us apart. I had known this, and yet I still revealed my secret to him. My heart was telling me this was the thing to do, while my head was screaming at me to stop. People say you should always listen to your heart because it knows best, but I guess this was the one time I should have listened to my head instead of following my heart. I really am an idiot.
Sam has always told me that we may fight and he may be lead on the wrong path at times, but he would always come back to me. I am sure he had truly believed that at the time, but I realize now it was all a lie. He won't always come back to me, some things are just unforgivable. He may have come back to me in the past, but I know he won't be returning this time.
He just couldn't handle the truth, and now he is shutting me out. He may have still been there, but he might as well have been a million miles away. It is hard to believe that Sam hates me, but it is a fact I must face. Because of my stupidity, I have lost the one person who means the most to me; I have lost my brother.
So don't believe them
When they say I'm coming back
With all the money I own, I head toward the bus station about a yard or so in front of me. I don't really know where I am going, but I know I have to get as far away as I can. I need to put as much distance between my brother and me as possible. I know I am running away from my problems, but I don't know what else to do. Even being in this town is tearing me down; there is no possible way I could stay in that apartment a moment longer.
I can't seem to get the look on Sam's face out of my head. When I had confessed my heart to him he had looked as though he had been hit over the head with a sledge hammer. The shock and immediate disgust that over-took his features had pained me, but what ripped my heart out was when he stepped away from me like I was diseased. He has never looked at me like that before; has never looked so repulsed by me. In that moment I had known my brother was lost from me.
To make the situation worse, my dad had walked in no more than a few seconds later and Sam had just blurted out my secret to him. I have never seen my dad angrier than at that moment. He had screamed at the top of his lungs; glaring daggers of hatred in my direction that just cut me too deeply to be repaired. The names he called me as well. I am used to it at school, but hearing those words come from my own father's mouth brought a whole new pain. He made sure I knew I was sick, but his favorite word had been freak.
If I could take back everything that was said, I would. The damage has been done, though, and now I have to deal with consequences. Those six, simple words cost me my family. Everything I did in the past was for nothing in the end; nothing but wasted effort. In a moment of weakness, I threw away all my hard work and lost everything. I always knew I was destined to be alone; knew everyone would abandon me.
I need a while today
I need to get away
I'd give my eyes for a new yesterday
Can't stand one moment more
Of these wasted, wasted days
Paying the greyhound fare just in time for my bus to arrive, I secure my duffle bag and back pack over my shoulders before heading to my gate. I have always wanted to go to Las Vegas and I guess I have my chance now. I don't exactly know what I am going to do once I get there, but I am sure I will figure something out when the time comes.
Showing the driver my ticket, he takes my duffel and places it in one of the compartments. With my backpack in hand, I climb aboard the bus and quickly find myself a seat. Looking blankly out the window, the bus begins to move moments later and the scenery I am staring at begins to blur. Turning away from the window a moment later, I open the backpack at my feet and pull out a picture of Sam and me. I had stolen it off his nightstand before I left, it has always been my favorite and I am sure he doesn't want it anymore.
Caressing the glass, a sigh escapes my lips and I have to close my eyes to keep tears from falling. God it is killing me to walk away from Sam. Life sure isn't fair. I guess all there is left for me to do is to leave this town behind me, leave my family behind me, and never look back. Hell, I am sure they aren't going to miss me. Will probably be glad that I am gone; glad to be rid of me. They are a part of my past now and I must look toward my future. Whether a happy or lonely life awaits me, I am sure this is for the best. Things worked out the way they were supposed to and there is no use in fighting it.
I know I will more than likely miss Sam like hell at times, and I know it may be unbearable, but no matter how bad it may get, I won't allow myself to come crawling back. I refuse to give into weakness again, and I won't play the fool. I am going to do the best I can at moving on with my life; putting this all behind me.
Turning my head away from the picture in my hands, I lean my head against the cool glass and stare out into the darkness with my brother on my mind. "I'm sorry I hurt you Sammy." I whisper to the passing scenery as the bus leaves the town behind; takes me farther away from my brother. "I never meant to fall in love with you."
Forgive me if my eyes should fall
And if I fade to black
I keep on walking towards horizons
And I try not to look back
The people left behind me
All have vanished, there's no trace
And I can't say that I've been better
But I'm glad to be gone from this place
Wasted Days - Highwater Rising
A/N: There will be one more on the way, from Sam's POV.