Disclaimer: The characters and places in this story are all the property of JK Rowling. I have merely borrowed them and given them my own little twist.
Following the release of HBP many Snape fans were in need of some light relief. This was written back then in order to try to provide some laughs in those dark days. It isn't meant to be taken seriously and is written entirely for laughs. The story starts during OotP, just after the mass breakout from Azkaban. It isn't quite finished yet but should be fairly soon. It is currently ten parts long and will be no longer than fifteen when complete. I'll be posting one part per week. There will be no DH spoilers in this story.
"Snape and Wormtail - The Spinners End Years - A Tale of Domestic Disaster."
Severus Snape shuffled his feet as he stood loitering with the crowd of Death Eaters who were awaiting the Dark Lord's attention.
Newly returned and with the ranks of Death Eaters dwindling Voldemort had given out the top jobs to whoever actually bothered to answer his call.
Now there was a problem. What with the recent mass breakout from Azkaban the formerly incarcerated Death Eaters had now arrived in their droves and were demanding their old jobs back.
"We are the most faithful," Bellatrix Lestrange whined from across the room. "We deserve to be treated as such. Isn't that right Algie."
Severus looked at Algernon Rookwood who sat beside her calmly picking his nose and clearly unconcerned as to whether he got his old job back at all.
"...we have rights..."
"...should be welcomed back into the fold..."
"...unlike others I could mention..."
Severus sat down silently as most of the others in the dimly lit room continued to bemoan their lost jobs, lost youth, lost property.
I'd be more worried about the loss of sanity myself, Snape thought nastily as one former Death Eater started to crawl under the table looking for the invisible pet ferret he had apparently brought out of Azkaban with him.
"I've already told you that you can't stay with us!" Lucius Malfoy declared in a loud, haughty voice that carried over the rest of the din. "You should have thought about accommodation before you decided to break out of prison."
"We can hardly go home," Bellatrix's husband Rodolphus sneered. "It's not like you've not got the room. And we're family."
Lucius snorted; Snape knew he had never really thought much of the Lestrange brothers. Big and beefy but not a great deal between the ears. Snape saw the similarity between the brothers and Draco Malfoy's cohorts, Crabbe and Goyle. He knew that Lucius wouldn't be backing down any time soon and the argument was more entertaining than ferret man who ... Snape took another look ... yes, he did have something live there. Did he really have a ferret in Azkaban?
His question was answered a moment later when the 'ferret' turned out to be a rat, or rather Peter Pettigrew in his animagus form.
Snape laughed aloud as one of the Death Eaters took pity on the rat and returned Peter to his human form, at which point he started to berate the first Death Eater for where precisely he'd been placing his hands. His rant only came to an end when the black door at the far end of the room swung open, an indication that the audience with the Dark Lord was about to begin.
Snape hoped it wouldn't take hours like the last one had; he had to be back at Hogwart's before too long, those potions papers wouldn't mark themselves. Though he could of course skim Longbottom's and Potter's and just give them a D automatically. He might even go so far as a T if he was forced to miss dinner this evening.
Snape shifted impatiently in his seat as the meeting dragged on.
Lucius dug his heels in on every little point, eager to sustain his high-ranking position in the face of stiff opposition. Snape considered marking down Draco's paper in retaliation too.
Finally the Dark Lord reached Severus's own petition.
"Severus," Voldemort said as he sat at the large oak desk. "Step forward."
Severus stood up and walked to the opposite side of the desk and looked down at the parchments scattered across it.
"One moment," Voldemort said as he scrawled something on the parchment directly in front of him.
Severus looked closely at the writing and felt his temper rise as he read the words before him.
One vial of anti-venom
Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans
Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests
Great, Snape fumed silently, let's hold on a little longer while he makes out his shopping list.
"You were wanting more help," Voldemort finally said without looking up from his list.
"Yes, master," Snape began. "I've been-"
"You know our ranks are depleted," Voldemort interrupted.
"Yes, master," Snape replied with a nod. "It would just be for term time. My house at Spinner's End-"
"There are not enough amongst us to spare you a housekeeper."
Severus nodded again. It had been worth a try, especially with so many of the Death Eaters unable to return to their former residences.
He returned to his seat, knowing he could not leave the room until the audience was finally concluded, or else risk breaking the imperturbable charm.
Severus watched with mild interest as the Lestranges were granted the property of one of their fallen brethren who had left no children. There were a couple of muggles living there now but he knew they wouldn't be there for long.
And so the audience dragged on.
"Huh?" Severus stopped smirking at ferret man's latest antics and drew his attention back to Voldemort who was beckoning him forward again.
He rose immediately and returned to the desk where he towered over the form of Peter Pettigrew whose petition to the Dark Lord he had missed completely. He really should have been paying more attention to what was happening.
"What do you think Severus?" Voldemort asked with what passed for a smile on his serpentine features. "Our little rodent wishes to be more useful, more active and have his talents more appreciated."
"A noble aspiration," Severus replied with a sneer at Peter. He wondered how squealing like a girl could ever be useful to the Death Eaters but refrained from asking it aloud.
"I think we can solve three problems with one fell swoop," Voldemort said with another smile, this one even more terror-inducing than the last.
Oh no, Severus prayed as he closed his eyes. Not that. Please not that.
"Wormtail wishes to be more useful, and you need someone to assist you."
Severus felt his face flush at the thought of one of Potter's gang seeing where he lived, and even worse being forced to live under the same roof as him for so much as a single day. Having the little rat snooping through his personal things...no!
"I've had time to re-consider," Severus said. "You're quite right, our numbers are too few. I would not wish to take our furry ally away from more important duties."
"Think nothing of it," Voldemort replied with a wave of his hand that caused ink to fly across the desk. Snape felt a spot hit his nose and saw Peter snicker beside him; he glared back.
"Your efforts these last months should not go unrewarded," Voldemort continued, nodding as he spoke. "It is therefore my decision that Wormtail here should assist you, not just for term time, but until I say otherwise."
"Thank you, master," Severus replied, bowing low, seething the entire time. His only consolation was that Wormtail looked equally disappointed in the turn of events.
Severus backed away from the desk, but not before noticing Voldemort pulling his shopping list towards him and crossing out the final item on the list. It looked like the Dark Lord wouldn't be needing the advice of Lockhart for how to get rid of household pests after all.