Title: Weigh Upon The Heart
Author: Yours Truly (Aimme/Raina)
Rating: K+ (I have no idea what kind of rating that would turn into... PG-13?)
Warning: Deals with depression and suicidal siblings, but other then that I don't think there is anything else to be warned about.
Characters: Elrohir, Elladan, some Aragorn and Elrond
Disclaimer: Only the plot-line belongs to me. Hey, the events really were from my past! (recent past, in fact; see Author's note). The Tolkien Estate owns all the rest.
A/N: This was written from Elrohir's persepective, and is based off of some events that have actually happened to me; everything from how Elrohir feels, Elladan behaviour and his own emotions, and the situations and events that occur in here, are all taken from personal events and feelings. Elladan's actions are not taken from my own actions (my own actions are pretty much Elrohir's in here), but rather from my older sister's; her disappearing (and Elladan disappearing, in a way) and the rest of the present things that happen in this story all actually took place the other night: August 8th.
Anyway, so this fic has more of a real life base for it, more so then anything else I have written. Like I mentioned in my bio, I like to take things from my own life and experiences as it just seems to make things more...real feeling. For those of you that wish to read this somewhat personal fic, I hope you enjoy it. And let me know what you think of this little swim through my head... well, Elrohir here, says it is a swim through HIS head, but whatever.
The title is a tentative one... I am not sure I like it very much.
Beta: Shelly Cross and Tira
Summary: Elladan has been acting quite weird lately, and Elrohir has some deep concerns. When Elladan mysteriously disappears one night it does not help matters for the distressed younger twin.
I fought against the drugs I had taken to help me sleep; pushing through the fog trying to consume my mind, I attempted to focus on what Aragorn was saying. His voice sounded urgent. What was he saying? Elladan is missing? How did he know that?
Elladan, Aragorn, and I had settled down in Estel's room; we had spent some time talking before each of us had retired to sleep. I had heard Elladan rise and leave the room about twenty minutes before-hand. By then I relaxed and the drugs I had secretly taken (I'll explain why they had been taken in a moment) were being allowed to run their course and I was beginning to doze off; when 'Dan left, I thought nothing of it, assuming he had found no peace and sought his own bed for comfort.
Aragorn had become increasingly agitated as the minutes wore on; he didn't seem to share my own silent ideas of where Elladan had went. Of course if I had not of been so sluggish, maybe I too would have been thinking as rationally as Aragorn really was and would have been wanting to insure 'Dan had gone where I assumed he went to be. Aragorn had left to get a drink a few minutes ago, and had now returned in quite a fluster.
Now as I pushed the fuzziness from my brain with pure will, I began to register Aragorn's words.
"Elladan is missing!"
The rest of the fog fled before the jolt of awareness and apprehension as adrenaline took over my body.
Elladan is missing.
I was on my feet and flying down the hall, with Aragorn on my heels, before one could say, "Valar forbid something bad happen."
My feet matched the hammering of my heart, as I pounded down the stairs, not bothering to keep quiet, and the fear in my mind making my feet beat the floor in hard, loud, and in some ways unnecessary slaps.
My father was already stepping out the door with a lantern in hand, when I entered the long Receiving Hall. It was named thus as it as the immediate hall area surrounding the Main Door; though there was plenty of room in the room you could go to and not be within a hundred feet of the door, there was no walls that would separate you from the space around the doors, no walls to detach you or your view from and of the door whilst you stood within the walls of this hall.
I quickly crossed the large hall, fighting off the groping effects of the drugs I had taken to help me sleep.
I have been having trouble sleeping, and most days was ready to collapse from my lack of good real sleep, since I had been taken by a constant state of deep fear. This fear was not caused by horrifying events in my life, or even childish imaginations of monsters in my closet or under my bed or in the deeper, darker corners of my room; this fear was something I hid deep inside me, and never spoke of to anyone; this fear was centered around one thing; I feared for Elladan.
Ever since a late night discussion we had had about... oh, must be about a year ago now. My, how times blurs even in Elven memory. Elladan had confessed to me that he struggled with thoughts of killing himself sometimes; but, he told me, it was mainly a passing thought and he disregarded it by thinking of his family and all the things he wanted to accomplish in the future. Despite what he said about how he would not kill himself because of these things, I had never been able to repress the slivers of cold fear twining through my heart; I had put on a good face and never told Elladan how that avowal had scared me to no end, and even a year later had me spooked at heart. I suppressed these feelings with his statement about not killing himself because he had too many things left to do here, and his family would be devastated at the loss.
Recently though, Elladan has been acting quite weird: withdrawn, often depressed looking, and how he rarely acted like he enjoyed just plain living his life. Oh, sure, he would smile, laugh, join in with jokes and lighthearted activities, but they somehow lacked the vitality he normally had towards them. He joined us in such carrying ons, but he didn't have as much buoyancy in the tasks he did; and his laughter and smiles could never chase away the shadows of his behavior before and after the lighthearted activities.
One time, quite nigh, about two weeks ago, he had gotten into a fight with Adar and afterwards, once they were both calm and had decided to just talk heart to heart, Elladan told Ada that he often thought about suffocating in the closet, and bleeding to death in the bathing tub.
What if he did decide to go through with taking his own life? His behavior of late only fueled my fear that he would do so. I began to have trouble sleeping; afraid I would awaken to find that Elladan had taken his life during the night, and I was not there to try and convince him not to; I had been asleep. I did not want to awaken to that sort of thing. I began to keep a closer eye on him and what he did, but it brought me no peace watching over him; if anything, it only made me more worried.
I was distraught to find out that my twin was hardly eating and when he did do so, he was retching in the privy moments later. He could no longer keep food down him, because of how little he ate before that. At one point, I heard from Ada, Elladan had not eaten for two weeks; nothing did he take, but some water when he was thirsty, and even then it was hardly much liquid. Not as much as his body needed to stay healthy, but Elladan said he had no appetite for any type of drink or dish, not even his favourites.
Once Ada and my Gwador had spoken, 'Dan appeared to be getting better; Ada kept a closer eye on him, and made sure he ate something. Adar gave him herbs to settle his stomach so he could eat and not be depositing the food into the dumps afterwards.
But I still carried that fear deep inside of me, for I could still catch glimpses of the low moods and how my brother loathed Adar making him do things to better his health. He did not like the fact that Ada made him eat, when he had no appetite for the food placed before him. And just because he outwardly appeared to be doing better, he had more energy and his weight was climbing back up to normal again, it did not mean that on the inside he was not still dwelling on depressing things. Things that could warp his whole mind to the point where it would not matter what he wants to do in the future, or how he would kill his family if he died, he would simply take his own life; no longer caring what the consequences would be for those left behind.
As my sleeping became more and more restless, and my own energy during the day was sapped from the long, sleepless nights I had, I could see those around me getting concerned for me! I was not the one they should be worried over, Elladan was! He was the suicidal one, and the reason I disappeared into my room to sleep during the day. He was the whole reason I would collapse at random times, and be without energy, and cause concern to my friends and family. I did not want them fretting over me, and was myself getting tired of the lack of proper rest I was getting due to the fear that would not allow me wholesome sleep. So I snuck some sleeping herbs from Adar's stash and began to drug myself at night; just some herbs that would slow my thought process and help me get to sleep and stay asleep; some herbs that would calm my heart, and take away, for the time being, the life source with which my fear fed upon. In the morning, though, I still awoke with the familiar feelings of dread, but at least during the night the drugs helped me to find a reprieve from them. In this way, I got better rest, and dispersed the worry others were feeling for me, including my own twin!
As I now stepped back into the present and out into the dark night, the cool air helped to calm me some what, and clear my senses of their lingering effects. I could hear others around me, nervously searching for my wayward twin. Taking several steps into the woods closely encompassing my home, I decided to stretch out along the bond I shared with Elladan, and what I found made me stop my search only moments after I had begun it.
I did not meet walls on the other side, but I did not feel my twin either. At the end, it seemed to just drop into a nothingness, a deep abyss without emotion or life. I hoped that Elladan was somehow severing my sense of being able to feel the emotions swirling through him, and not that he was... well already with Namo in the Halls of Waiting.
My fear mounted when after several moments I still felt no stirrings on the other side, if it was possible, my fear climbed into greater heights. Oh, Valar, please don't let him have killed himself! I thought wildly, desperately.
I wanted to send Elladan what I was feeling, in case he was still in this world, but something was stopping me from being able to channel them along the bond. Hoping this was a sign he was blocking me, and not that I could not send him my feelings because he was unable to ever feel anything again, was not a possibility; hope, was not a something I felt at the time. All I could register enough to feel, was my fear.
Elladan is missing my mind could only echo the words Aragorn had spoken what seemed like years ago.
"ELLADAN!" For the first time, my father's voice penetrated my stupor.
It was then that I heard a muffled sort of reply, but I was too far away to make sense of it. I spun in that direction, back the way I had come.
"Elladan," I could hear the obvious relief in my father's far off voice. My legs felt suddenly weak, and I grabbed the branch above my head to steady myself and keep my feet. My gaze was fixed forward in the direction my father's voice was coming from. My free hand flew to my chest over my heart, when said organ began to do a series of flutterings and skippings, and caused me pain. All of this happened in a matter of seconds.
As I began to stumble toward the voices, I listened closely to what my father was saying. "Just come back to the house, and we will all talk. You had every one very worried, Elladan."
I neared the courtyard leading to the front door, just as Elladan and Adar appeared there, coming from the opposite direction of me. Ada directed my twin towards the door and waved Aragorn over. Aragron had just streaked into the courtyard heading straight toward the two, so the signal was unnecessary. There were relieved faces all over as various other searchers gathered near.
"Estel, will you find Glorfindel and Erestor and whoever is still out there looking? Inform them Elladan has been found."
Several elves streamed out of the courtyard to do just that, calling over their shoulders, "We will do it, My Lord."
Estel glanced at Ada and shrugged, moving his hand to indicate the departing elves as way of answer as to why he was not making a move to do as he was ordered.
"Go find your brother, I am sure he will be pleased to hear the news, and grateful if you are prompt about it." Aragorn nodded and turned to leave.
"Elrohir is out looking, too?" I was shocked at the query. What did Elladan expect me to be doing?
Neither one of them knew I was lingering in the shadows, trying to collect my thoughts some what, but Aragorn ran into me as the other two entered the house. I guess one look at my face and he knew I had seen everything, for he said naught about 'Dan as we both traversed the courtyard for the door.
In the Receiving Hall, Adar and 'Dan were not to be seen, but despite the late hour, the room was quite full of life. Servants and maids scurried about here and there, carrying out various tasks, most were trying to return order to the household so they could once again retire. And this time, hopefully, for the night.
The relief Aragorn was feeling poured off of him like water cascading down a waterfall as we quickly traipsed back up the stairs and down to our rooms. We found Adar and Elladan in his room, quietly discussing what had happened.
"I had just went out to find a peace of mind so I could hopefully find some rest this night, Ada. I really had not intended to cause everyone to worry." Elladan was saying as we stepped into the room. "How did you even know I had left the house?"
"I told him." Aragorn quickly seated himself on the foot of the bed, Elladan was sitting in the middle of it, so I sat in the chair at the desk several feet away. Ada continued to stand.
"I am sorry, Elladan, but when you did not come back and then I could not find you, I was worried and sought out Ada." At twenty-six, Aragorn is really quite good at covering his fear; I knew beneath the words, he had feared that Elladan was not well; though maybe he did not have quite the same fears as I, nor carried a share equal to my own, he had still been afraid.
"It is I who is sorry, truly I did not mean to worry you. Any of you." Elladan's gaze was cast around the room, slowly meeting each of our gazes for a second; I did not try to meet his, though, at this time I did not trust my expression to not give away what I was feeling.
As Aragorn and Ada began to talk to him, I felt something shift and before I really realised what had happened I sensed life on the other side of our bond, and my fears were flying along toward him before I could stop them. As soon as Elladan felt that great sense of fear that I had unintentionally let him feel now, he worriedly caught my gaze. I had not wanted him to know any thing about the fears I had supported these past months, but he had removed that block suddenly and without warning I had been unprepared to reign in my emotions.
Now, I was uncertain if I should continue to meet his gaze or if I should look away before he sees more of my tumultuous emotions. Finally I broke contact, and Elladan returned his attention to Ada; or at least, he pretended to. He kept glancing my direction, and I knew we would be talking afterwards about what he had felt from me.
As soon as Aragorn yawned, Ada announced it was time we all went to bed. After ushering Estel from the room, Ada looked to Elladan and said sternly. "You need to get some rest, and no more leaving your room this night."
Elladan sighed. "Yes, Ada."
So caught up in my thoughts was I, that I almost jumped when I felt my father place his hand on my shoulder. "Elrohir," Adar spoke as if he had been trying to get my attention for some time. And from Elladan's expression, I had not even made a single response to Ada's queries. "You need to get to bed as well, son."
"Alright," I did not think I would get much rest with how my thoughts were still tumbling around, and how high my emotions were strung; lifting my face I let him see as much in my eyes.
"The day has been long, Elrohir, and the night a troubled one; but Elladan is back now, and you need to at least try to sleep."
I sighed and stood, but as I turned to go my twin's voice calling my name stopped me; I turned back around.
Adar glanced between 'Dan and I. "Do not stay up too late talking." And then he left and I had to face Elladan.
"'Ro?" He patted the bed in front of him and I took a quick seat.
"What?" Elladan inclined his head at my question, and clearly let me know from his expression what he sought. He wanted to know what I feared, and I had no choice but to tell him. "I was... afraid...that... when no one could... c-could find you earlier... I, I feared that..." I closed my eyes against the tears threatening to fall, and I fought against the lump rising in my throat; I could not bring myself at the time to say what I was afraid of. I know longer tried to keep my emotions from transferring to him through our bond.
After a second I felt Elladan wrap his arms around me, and I buried my head in his shoulder. "You thought what, 'Ro? What is it you were afraid had happened?"
And then as if Elladan had broken some dam, everything came tumbling forth; all of my fears and thoughts I had entertained for so long: the suicidal thoughts of my twin, the malnutrition, his depression, my worry over what might be going through his head, fear that it might lead to more deadly destructive behavior. All my feelings of fear that had been building over the months. I even spoke of how I could not sleep, and had taken to drugging myself. Elladan was silent for a long while.
"You harbor a lot of fears, 'Ro." His voice was low, but surprised when he finally did speak. "I am awed at how well you have held up under all that strain."
I could make no reply; I had long since been able to do anything but cry into his shoulder.
"I-I never knew, 'Ro; why did you not tell me?"
It took several seconds, but I finally found my voice; though it was choked by tears. "I...I did n-not w-want to make you think... that you could not feel the way you felt, because it would make your younger brother scared." the last words came out a little more bitter then I had intended.
Elladan fell silent again and I knew deep inside me as he placed his cheek against the top of my head and continued to soothingly stroke my hair, he was looking for a way to comfort me.
"El, I do not want you to ever think you cannot talk to me, alright?"
Slowly I nodded.
"I am supposed to take care of my younger siblings, protect them and help them, but how can I if they are afraid to talk to me?"
"I don't need taking care of." I protested.
"El," His voice was low as if warning me. He knew that I knew what he meant. "If I am doing something that worries you, tell me. If it concerns you, it probably is something I should cease to do. I do not want you to suffer again how you have suffered these past months. You promise to talk to me from now on?
"Yes," I paused, and added, "Just do not ever block me like that again. I-I thought you were..."- I swallowed hard -"dead."
Elladan's arm tightened. "I am sorry, 'Ro." His own voice was choked with emotion. "I am sorry I scared you, and you thought I had killed myself. I won't block you like that again; not if that is the outcome for you."
I both sighed and sagged against him in relief.
"Remember, though, 'Ro, what Adar used to tell us? Ilúvatar has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind. This fear you have carried is not good for you, and your sleeping problems is testament of that."
I smiled; for the first time in a long while, the smile was of joy over the deep relief and the fears that I felt losing their hold on me.
With the relief came relaxation, and exhaustion. Soon enough I could feel the drugs working on slowing my thought process; and I was drifting off. My thoughts began to run together, and an unawareness began to sneak in on the corners of my consciousness. Between the two, though, there was one thought that I knew and felt to the very fiber of my being. One thought that was the whole reason I was drifting off now, one thought that was the cause of my relief.
Elladan was missing.
There it is, do let me know what you think!! The last scene there with them talking about Elrohir's fears was not something that actually happened in real life, that I wrote from scratch. Hey, they had to have some sort of resolved ending!
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. -2 Timothy 1:7