You like me, you really like me! All of your great reviews for 'Crookshanks Diary' made me feel all warm and fuzzy. (Which, sometimes, is not a bad thing.) I decided to really put the pedal to the medal and write more fan fiction for you. I then experienced the mother of all writers block. (Great timing, huh?) In a last ditch effort, I sifted through all of my old story ideas until I found this one: 'Hogwartian Jeopardy'. Sounds harmless, right? To be honest with you, calling this story harmless would be like covering yourself in lunch-meat and diving into to a pool of half-starved sharks. Take my word for it, this thing has a mind of it's own. Well, enjoy it anyway.
(Lights come up. 'Jeopardy' music starts. Close camera on host.)
ALEX TREBEK: Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of 'Jeopardy'. If you have just joined us, we are with three . . . uh . . . wonderful contestants from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The scores are . . . . well, to be perfectly honest with you, the scores are pretty pitiful. Our first contestant is Mr. Neville Longbottom from the Gryffindor House with a score of negative 2,700.
(Close up of Neville. He waves frantically.)
TREBECK: (cont.) Then we have Mr. Draco Malfoy from the House of Slytherin with a score of negative 1,500.
(Close up on Draco. He looks utterly bored.)
TREBEK: (cont.) Finally, we have . . . . er . . . . Fred Weasley with a score of negative 5,403.
FRED: (rings his buzzer.) Yes, that is correct, Alex.
TREBECK: (stares at Fred.) You just had to add that extra three, didn't you?
FRED: (rings his buzzer.) Of course.
TREBECK: (shakes his head in disgust.) Okay . . . well . . . . Lets start up the game again. Draco, your in the lead so now you can pick a category.
DRACO: (sighs) Fine . . . er . . . I'll take "Things Neville Longbottom Would Never Know In A Million Years" for 500.
NEVILLE: What?! That's not f-
TREBECK: (interrupts Neville) 'This primitive fish, thought to be extinct, was caught off the coast of south Africa during 1938.'
TREBECK: Come on. Anybody? Anybody at all?
DRACO: (rings his buzzer and smirks) Who is Harry Potter?
(Fred smacks Draco up-side the head.)
TREBECK: Oh, come on, please be serious. Neville? How about you?
NEVILLE: (shrugs) Don't ask me. I wouldn't be able to answer that question in a million years.
TREBECK: (Looks desperately at the contestants.) Uh . . . . that's understandable. Okay . . . how about you, Fred?
FRED: (rings buzzer and leans into his microphone.) Er . . . . What is Jackson, Mississippi?
TREBECK: (looks at Fred in disbelief.) You've got to be kidding me . . . .
FRED: (rings buzzer.) I usually am, Alex.
TREBECK: (shakes his head.) The correct answer is 'what is a coelacanth'. Since nobody got the question right, yet again, we'll let Draco pick the next category.
DRACO: (had started to nod off to sleep.) Huh? Oh, me . . . er . . . I'll take "Loud Spells" for 200.
TREBECK: 'This spell is also known as the spontaneous combustion hex.'
(Again, nobody answers.)
TREBECK: Oh, for the love of Pete! You three are wizards and you don't even know a simple spell?!
FRED: (rings his buzzer and leans towards his microphone.) What is Jackson, Mississippi?
TREBECK: (smacks his forehead.) You are all idiots . . . .
NEVILLE: (rings his buzzer ecstatically.) Oh . . . . I know this one . . . . er, it's . . . . EXPIODETHRO!
(Suddenly, Neville spontaneous combusts in a big ball of flames. All that remains of him
are several scorch marks left on his podium. The explosion startles Draco, who had fallen
DRACO: (smiles.) Hey, this show is finally getting interesting . . . .
TREBECK: That wasn't suppose to happen!
DRACO: Yeah, but it was still pretty entertaining.
TREBECK: (starting to get a little annoyed.) Just pick another category . . . .
DRACO: Okay, fine. How about "Foreign Phrases" for 100.
TREBECK: 'This French phrase translates to "I am sorry - I did not mean to offend you."
FRED: (rings his buzzer.)
TREBECK: (interrupts Fred.) Oh, let me guess . . . . 'What is Jackson, Mississippi?'
FRED: (looking scandalized.) No, the answer is 'Je suis desole - je ne cherchais pas a vous offenser.'
TREBECK: (astonished.) He's . . . he's right. How did you know that?
FRED: (shrugs.) Er . . . Professor McGonagall made me learn that sentence before those people from Beauxbatons came to Hogwarts. Turns out it's a pretty handy phrase to have. Especially if you turn someone's head into a pineapple . . . .
TREBECK: (still amazed.) Yes, well, since you've actually answered a question correctly, you get to pick the next category.
FRED: "Signs That Were Taped On Neville's Back" for 1,000.
TREBECK: 'During his third year, this sign's phase caused Neville to change into a fruit several times.'
DRACO: (rings his buzzer.) What is 'Please turn me into a melon!'
FRED: Okay. (takes out his wand and turns Draco into a cantaloupe.)
TREBECK: You can't do that!
FRED: (rings his buzzer.) I just did, Alex.
(Draco the cantaloupe rolls off this podium and smashes on the floor.)
TREBECK: (starts pounding his head into the wall behind him.) Why couldn't I have been a doctor?! Or a lawyer?! Why did I have to be a GAME SHOW HOST?!
FRED: (rings his buzzer.) Er . . . What is Jackson, Mississippi?
TREBECK: (his right eye starts to twitch.) No . . . No! No! NO! That's wrong! In fact, THAT WASN'T EVEN A QUESTION WORTH MONEY!!
FRED: Oh . . . . Sorry. My bad.
TREBECK: (straitens his tie, smoothes down his hair, and takes a deep breath.) Okay, Fred, since your, . . . . uh . . . . the only contestant that is still alive, you get to try the Final Jeopardy question.
FRED: (shrugs.) Fine with me. (picks up a piece of cantaloupe and pops it in his mouth.) Mmmmm . . . . tangy.
TREBECK: (gags.) Uh . . . okay, then . . . Here's the question: 'This US capital city and state is located north of the Gulf of Mexico, west of the state of Alabama, and east of the states of Arkansas and Louisiana.'
(Fred blinks and raises an eyebrow.)
TREBECK: Oh, come on. You know this! You've been saying it all day!
FRED: I have?
TREBECK: (smacks his forehead.) For the love of Pete! Just . . . just guess!
FRED: Er . . . . What is Scranton, Pennsylvania?
TREBECK: Your kidding me! I can't believe you! (starts laughing maniacally.) I'm standing next to a COMPLETE IDIOT! (He rips off his tie and runs of the stage, still laughing crazily.)
(Jeopardy music starts.)
FRED: Wait! What's the answer? Tallahassee, Florida? Topeka, Kansas? Walla Walla, Washington?
(Lights dim down, leaving Fred in the dark.)
FRED: Hold on, I've got it! It's Jackson, Mississippi! JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI!!!
What did I tell you? That was pretty, er . . . . . interesting, right? Well, whether you want to give me a Noble Peace Prize (I doubt it, but a author can dream, can't she?) or hunt me down and rip up my writing book, please write a review. I'd very much appreciate it. (Or in other words: YOUR REVIEWS GIVE ME LIFE!) Thanks to all my beautiful readers out there!
Please note that Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, and Fred Weasley all belong to Ms. J K Rowling. (Along will all the other 'Harry Potter' characters.) Also, I do not own the game show 'Jeopardy' or Alex Trebeck. I was just borrowing them for this story.