The WARNING!!!: This is a story written for no other reason than to kill off a character. If that's not your cup of tea, you may want to think about skipping it and reading something of ours that isn't part of the Anime Hit List Arc. Thank you.
The Disclaimer: We, Boobies of Power or the Anime Assassin Corps, do not own Revolutionary Girl Utena, Martian Successor Nadesico or The Irresponsible Captain Tylor. We do own the Anime Assassin Corps and the Anime Hit List.
The Notes: As this was originally in script format, (not allowed on this archive) I've had to rewrite it in an acceptable format. If you'd like to read the original (script format+images+pretty colors+dynamic font) just go to the Anime Hit List (homepage on our profile.)
Anime Assassin Corps Official Report
Case #12: The Great Captain Exchange
The Clients: Touga (Revolutionary Girl Utena) & Joe (Martian Successor Nadesico-Gekkigengar)
The Hits: The Crew of the Soyokaze (The Irresponsible Captain Tylor) & Akatsuke (Martian Successor Nadesico)
As you probably know, the Anime Hit List is a business. We of the AAC are in the business of money making and when Kawaii finds the means to pinch a few pennies she uses them. In this case, she's decided to consolidate two cases into one. Not only does this save money on travel costs and supplies, but it saves time and the effort of distracting certain parties.
Case 12.0: Touga, the president of Revolutionary Girl Utena's student council recently came to us requesting the death of the entire crew of the Soyokaze except for Captain Justy Ueki Tylor after discovering how they treated their fearless leader. But why should he care? Think on this... The North American voice actor for both Touga and Captain Tylor is none other than Crispin Freeman. Touga is merely protecting his own.
Case 12.5: Co-pilot of Gekkigengar III, Joe, speaking to us from Heaven (and a shiny halo he had too!) hired us to take out the Nadesico's poser pilot, Akatsuke. The only thing he placed in the "Explain Why" column of the application form was, "Nergal does us all wrong replacing the magnificent Gai Daigouji with THAT!" Never fear out beloved Joe. (teary, teary) The AAC has you covered.
The Hitmen: They are young, intelligent, charismatic and the captains of their own spaceships, the Nadesico and the Soyokaze. They are...
Captain Yurika Misumaru & Captain Justy Ueki Tylor!!!
The Idiot Report
by Team Gekki and Team Gengar
Team Gekki: Ruri Hoshino, Omiokane, Akito Tenkawa & Inez Fressange
Team Gengar: Empress Azalyn of the Raalgon Empire, Prospector, Seiya Uribatake, Izumi Maki
The view opens on a large room. It's occupied by a group of four. A fifth person can be glimpsed in the background, pacing and searching frantically. The narrative voice of a young girl is heard off screen. "Once Upon a Time, I thought idiots were limited to the space of my show and Gekkigengar but over the last few days I've been proven wrong. Idiots inhabit the multiverse of imagination as sure as space is sparse.
"It all began a few days ago when Kawaii appeared aboard the Nadesico and asked if we'd like to participate in the "Great Captain Exchange."
"Kawaii?" Seiya Uribatake pops into the Video Report camera view. "Her name was "Kawaii?"
He is joined by Akito Tenkawa. "Yeah, why?"
"It's just that she was the least cute person to lay foot on the Nadesico. Dunno why, but she just looked so strange." Seiya scratches his head absently with a wrench. "Those teeny tiny eyes. Hair that just SAT there. You know, creepy."
Inez Fressange konks Seiya on the head and growls, "Idiot! Kawaii comes from the Universe outside of imagination, not to mention she's American. She exists in reality as we exist as fiction."
Seiya sweatdrops. "Uh?..."
"She isn't anime," replies Miss Fressange.
"Oh," says Seiya, but he still looks confused.
"Can we get back to what's important here?" asks the voice from the beginning narration and the camera swings around to include the image of Ruri Hoshino.
The red-headed spaz from the background, pushes her way to the front of the group. "What is the important thing here? And who are you guys anyway?"
Miss Fressange opens her mouth to explain, but is cut off by Mr. Prospector. "Ah, Miss Azalyn..." He adjusts his glasses.
"That's 'Highness' to you," Empress Azalyn replies.
"Uh, right." He messes with his glasses again. "Forgive me, Your Highness. Captain Tylor-"
"Paco-Paco's here?" Azalyn cuts in.
"Paco-Paco?" asks Akito.
"Paco Taco," came a dreamy voice as a snigger is heard off screen. "Ooh... I'm really getting hungry."
"Paco-Paco is Capt. Tylor," explains the Empress.
"Ah, yes..." agrees Mr. Prospector before responding, "But no, he isn't here."
"You mean she hasn't seen the tape yet?" This from Akito.
"Tape? What tape?" asks Azalyn in a near-yell. "I haven't seen any tapes! I was sleeping and then poof! I'm here with a bunch of-"
"Idiots. Yes we know," agrees Ruri.
Azalyn throws her hands in the air. "Who are you people!?!"
Akito smiles and waves an arm to the left. "Team Gengar-"
"'Gengar'?" whines Seiya. "Couldn't you have come up with a better team name than THAT?"
"Could be worse," comes the dreamy voice again and the camera swoops over to reveal Izumi. "Could be Team Sailor Star Fighter." She sniggers to herself again.
Blank stares all around.
Akito coughs. "Uh, like I said, Team Gengar, explain to Miss Azalyn while we do our half of the report."
Miss Fressange's eyes grow huge and her bottom lip begins to quiver.
"I'm sorry, Miss Fressange, but we don't have time for you to do the explanation. You can have all of the rest of the explanations in this report."
She doesn't look convinced.
Mr. Prospector pats her on the arm. "I promise to explain on par with your abilities if it kills me to do so, Miss Fressange."
Miss Fressange still looks traumatized. "Alright."
"Oh, good," says Ruri, but her tone suggests that the situation is anything but good. "Does this mean we can get back to the reason we're here? One moment, Your Highness and your team will explain everything." Miss Fressange cringes. "Just let us get through the introduction."
"Introduction?" asks Akito. "We're three pages into the report, Ruri!"
"And who's fault is that?" asks Ruri but she gets no response. She takes it as encouragement to march on. "As for the 'Great Captain Exchange' we unanimously declined."
"That's NOT TRUE!!!" gasped Tenkawa and Uribatake in unison.
"I'll have to agree, Miss Ruri," contributes Miss Fressange. "There were exactly two votes in favor of the 'Exchange.'"
Ruri frowns. "But it's not like it mattered. The captain vetoed our ballots, deciding to obtain the experience of captaining a completely unfamiliar vessel and crew, regardless of which universe said ship belonged to. At the time we had no idea what Kawaii and the captain's true agenda was. It was only after seeing the recording of her mission that we were able to give this report."
"Well, that should be enough setup," says Akito. "Team Gengar, Gekkigan Blast!" He makes the Gekkigan Blast movements. Team Gengar roll their collective eyes and huddle into the opposite room corner, as far away from Akito as possible to bring Azalyn up to date.
Miss Fressange pulls the wrinkles out of her lab coat and looks straight into the camera. "It's time to 'Get to Know the Nadesico!'"
"No, ma'am," replies Ruri.
"What?" Miss Fressange smiles. "Oh, it's alright. Tenkawa can wear the captain's costume!"
Akito protests, "I am NOT wearing a bunny suit! Besides this half of the report has nothing to do with the Nadesico!"
Miss Fressange punches him on the shoulder. "Oh, come off! It won't hurt a bit."
"No!..." Akito shouts. "No, no, no, no, no!!! Ruri, start the report."
"Gladly," replies Ruri before slipping back into the narrator voice. "The captain, who will be referred to as Yurika henceforth, found herself aboard the Undefeated Soyokaze, the most powerful ship in space. She was given a warm welcome."
"Warm? That's what I'd call a celebration," smiles Akito.
"The streamers were a nice touch," agrees Miss Fressange.
Ruri rolls her eyes and contributes, "Omiokane says not to forget the party hats, not that any of this matters. The cap- I mean Yurika still had to figure out how she was going to take out the entire crew."
"Right, so that Nutbar decided to hang around for awhile," continues Tenkawa. "She NEVER gets down to business."
"With that crew, who could? By the second day, they were all planning a mutiny."
"Then again," concedes Ruri, "There's only so much a person can take of Yurika's habit of calling out for Akito constantly."
"It was the stress that killed them, really," explains Miss Fressange. "The word 'Akito' can only be comprehended the first three-thousand-twenty-seven times it's heard in a row before it becomes, 'Kill Yourself And End The Suffering!!! Do It Now, Before The Captain Stops You! Who Is This Akito Anyway And Why Won't He Come And Take That Psycho Captain Away! ARGH!' Croak. See?... Stress."
Akito looks confused. "Really? I always just hear 'Akito'."
Ruri supplies, "I don't think the same rules apply to you."
He's still confused. "Well, why not?"
Miss Fressange pats Akito on the back. "When you finally watch the last episode of Gekkigengar, you'll understand."
"Under who? Stan?" comes Izumi's dreamy voice again. "Who's Stan and why's Tenkawa under him?" She sniggers again.
Akito blushes bright red. "AH!!! TEAM GENGAR ISN'T UP YET!!!"
Izumi slinks back to Team Gengar's corner, sniggering along the way.
"Actually, that was the end of our half of the report. Team Gengar, you're up." Ruri flourishes and the camera swivels over to Team Gengar's corner.
Mr. Prospector begins, "Ah, yes. Well, we thought it would be better to show the tape."
Seiya's sitting with his back to the camera, tweaking an ancient Magnavox TV. "Almost got it."
"You're sure Paco-Paco's on there?" asks Azalyn doubtfully.
"As sure as lee," says Izumi. She almost laughs, then decides the pun is too bad and frowns instead.
"What?" Azalyn vocalizes for everyone in the room.
"Here goes!" Seiya waves everyone over to the TV.
The screen blinks on to static snow, then clears to show Captain Tylor.
On screen, Tylor waves to his new crew. "Well, this is certainly a lovely ship." There's a round of "Thank you, captain's." He goes through the role call giving everyone a friendly nod. After the introductions are over he claps his hands once. "So, what's the job? Raalgon? Search and Rescue?"
Mr. Prospector speaks up. "Uh, no sir. Actually, we were just... um... Sort of drifting at the moment."
"Nergal has us between jobs at the moment, captain," Ruri supplied. "We should have an assignment soon. Perhaps you'd like a tour of the Nadesico?"
"That's a great idea! Who'd like the honors?"
Miss Fressange was immediately tackled by Izumi as Akatsuki simultaneously jumped from his seat mumbling something about crazy anime fans to a smirking Akito.
"Nice to meet ya, Akitsuke, was it?"
"No, sir. Akatsuke."
"Ah, so, Mr. Akatsuke," Tylor draped an arm over the pilot's shoulder and-
fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, fuzz,
"Mr. Uribatake, what's the problem?" asks Prospector.
The mechanic fiddles with the buttons on the television for a moment. "Um... I... dunno."
"Maybe it went on vacation in the Alps," offers Izumi.
The fuzz clears to show an episode of Gekkigengar.
Azalyn looks horrified. "What is that?"
Seiya drops his wrench and flips around to pin Akito with is gaze. "Tenkawa!?!"
Akito runs over to Team Gengar's corner. "What?"
Mr. Prospector points to the television. "What is this?"
Akito's jaw drops and his eyes grow glassy and excited. "Uh... Gekkigengar episode #24. Wow this is a great episode, especially on that television! Gekkigengar is about to-"
The camera blinks out for a few seconds of blackness. When it comes back on it shows a very pissed off Kawaii glaring at everyone. She motions for Ruri and Fressange to join the rest of the group, all the while smiling cynically. When they catch up, she continues. "Is this what I get when I have you all give a simple report? Insults? Petty arguments? Badly written puns?"
There's no answer.
"Sorry, Miss Kawaii," says Ruri.
Kawaii closes her eyes and nods before continuing. "So, do one of you want to tell us how Akatsuke was killed?"
"The truth is..." began Mr. Prospector. "We don't know. We lost track of Tylor and Akatsuke somewhere around the Y-Unit. That's why we were showing the tape."
"You DON'T KNOW! You were there and participating! What kind of case reporters are you?"
"Basket," supplies Izumi with her ever-present snigger.
"I'll agree with that," says Ruri.
"And so will I," says Akatsuke.
Everyone glares at the poser pilot as the camera pulls in for a close-up.
"You're not dead?" Kawaii chokes out.
Akatsuke fluffs his hair. "Should I be?"
"Where's Tylor?" demands Kawaii.
"Ole Justy? Oh, well, I ditched him somewhere in the Y-Unit."
Kawaii's eye twitches and she finally snaps. "What is this case coming to? Fine! FINE, I'll do this myself. Since you already know Yurika encouraged the mass suicide of the Soyokaze's crew..." She snaps her fingers and a stroke of red lightning cracks through the Nadesico's hull engulfing Akatsuke.
"YOU ARE ALL FIRED!!! AND WHEN I FIND TYLOR, HE'S FIRED TOO!!!"
Mission accomplished: October 1, 2001