A/n: I still can't qutie remember where the concept for this story came from. I guess, kinda like...meh. I don't know. But I'm proud of this story! I'm not done with it yet (almost!), but there is that almost, and I also know how I'm going to end it--actually, the whole thing came off of the ending. So, yeah.

You may be wondering--Who's this "Kai" person? I hear her name has been released now to be Konan, but I wrote this story before I knew that--they'd only just shown her actual face and announced Pein to be the leader. So it's just the name I gave her. And if you don't like it...if enough people don't like it, then I may change it, but not yet, because I actually asked, and almost everyone decided that they liked Kai better than Konan. Right now, you're overruled. So deal.

And please tell me if I'm not using family member titles as I should. It would be rather embarrassing if I was using it horribly wrong.

Warnings: Hidan curses his firm and well-worked little rear end off, Sasori tells him not to due to dirty-minded sexual implications which he really put on for himself, and...yeah. It's Akatsuki. They'll be violent, and I'll be spilling all their dirty little secrets in a spoiling fashion. Also, I have pairings in mind, which I'm not going to mention until someone asks (like that'll happen), but, let's be honest--notice the term, pairingsssss? Yeah. Multiple. In Akatsuki. Which has one female. With no original characters. So...not straight guys, yeah.

Disclaimer: Dude...if I owned Naruto...yeah. It'd be like this. So, I'll say this: Cute and fluffy criminals of Akatsuki belong not to I, but to ye olde Masashi Kishimoto (not that he's old).

Advertisement: um...yeah. This is unbeta'd. So, if anyone would like to help change that...please? I neeeeeeeed a beta-reader! Well, maybe not...but I waaaaaaaaaant a beta-reader!

Pein, feeling a stare, set down the newspaper, and jumped slightly when he realized that the face gazing at him was much closer than anticipated; in fact, it took him a moment to see whose attention was so focused on him because the newspaper caught on their head as it was brought directly down. The feared criminal rearranged the paper to show his, for lack of a better term, momentary stalker, and saw the orange spiraling mask of Tobi.

Tobi stared directly at the leader, silently, as though he hadn't noticed that Pein was glaring fiercely at the privacy-invading fool. He mentally sighed and brought the paper up again, trying not to rip the paper on the orange mask.

Another minute or so continued, until the nagging feeling from the masked face so close and accurately directed at his intensified to a breaking point and he rolled the newspaper up to return Tobi's stare with a magnified glare. They remained in this position, the orange mask about six inches from the leader's ringed blue eyes and closing, until Pein started to get a little dizzy from the spiral at the edge of his vision, causing him to wonder briefly if Itachi's blindness was contagious or something, reminding him of the rest of Akatsuki at the breakfast table. Considering how silent it was, Tobi's intense attention seemed to cause a bit of a spectacle.

Before Pein could snap something at the spiral, Hidan broke the silence rudely by asking, "Itachi, gimme the damn pancakes."

"I would normally comply simply," Itachi answered icily, "but Tobi's knee is on the pancakes and I assume you don't want Tobi as well."

"Tobi, get the fuck off of the damn pancakes," Hidan ordered.

"Hidan, stop cursing at the breakfast table, hmm," Deidara requested.

"Deidara, shut the hell up," Hidan snapped back. "Tobi, when I said get the fuck off the damn pancakes, I meant get the fuck off the damn pancakes right fucking now."

"Sorry," Tobi apologized, shifting his weight to move one of his knees, landing it again with a slight splashing sound, his one eye never leaving the leader's face.

"Tobi, get your fucking knee out of the damn maple syrup," Hidan ordered. "Right fucking now."

"Do you realize that you just used the term, 'fucking knee,' Hidan?" Sasori asked calmly.

Hidan remained silent for a moment, before grumbling, "Fucking pervert."

Realizing the silence as his chance to find the reasoning for this orange mask in his face, Pein opened his mouth, about to ask, but was interrupted by Sasori retorting sarcastically, "Oh, yes, and masochism is such a more honorable mentality than perversion."

Another hesitation, and Pein had actually started to make a noise before Hidan snapped back, "Shut the fuck up, Sasori, he's about to say something!"

"You interrupted him worse than I did," Sasori answered coolly.

Hidan grumbled, and sounded about to raise his voice in an audible response before being interrupted by the one female voice in all of Akatsuki, the voice of his partner Kai, "It's the argument in general that's keeping him silent, now can we please have a mutual silence so we can get this over with?"

Pein took a sliver of the silence provided to thank his blue-haired partner, also giving time to return to the issue of Tobi in his face, before muttering sharply, "Tobi."

"Good morning, Leader-otousama," Tobi greeted, his voice carefully even.

"Can I help y—…" It took Pein a moment to take in exactly what the words issued from behind that orange spiral meant. "… –Otousama?" Father? This was an…interesting development.

Tobi nodded slightly, and retreated back to his seat, reaching for the napkins and trying to remove the maple syrup from his knee, in such a way that he was mostly just avoiding his leader's eye contact.

Silence. There wasn't even anything particularly good about this silence—it didn't put a pause between two ideas, and it didn't give anyone the freedom to say what they were trying to say, it just was there, stretching between the ten humanoid beings uncomfortably. Even the body leaning across the table in an attempt to take the boat of maple syrup didn't break it.

The first words to relieve the stress of that silence were Hidan muttering, "Damn it, Tobi, you fucking linted up the maple syrup with all that shit on your dirty fucking knee!" Sasori was silenced before saying anything by a sharp glare from the Jashin-worshiper, but the puppet still sat there, shaking his head with a knowing smile.

Also, a preview thing for the next chapter!
Tobi now has a father--but it's not a happy family when you have a single father. Who else assists Pein in parenting Tobi? Then again, isn't it obvious?