Orokid: I pretty much just sat down and wrote this when I had read a review for someone else's story. While I admit it's a little weird to do that, it kinda seemed a bit natural, and I ended up writing almost anything that came to my head. And, because of that, it's ended up a bit random. Still, I tried to stick with Sei's mentality throughout the entire thing. I don't really have much else to say than review me as you see fit, and tell me how you feel about my story with a full heart. I don't want some half assed, sorta thought out sentence, so… forgive me on that part. Lol.
Okay, side-note time: I didn't know her heritage, so I made it up. If I'm wrong, then oops. Forgive me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Maria-sama Ga Miteru, and I don't wish to pretend that I do either. It would be wrong, no matter how much I wish I owned it, but that's how life has presented itself to me. Thus, with that said, I'm going to write non-profit stories like this- fanfiction- and only ask people for their ideas instead of cold hard cash. Seems better fit that way, since people look at you like a hobo if you do that…
PS- Forgive me. I don't know my roses well, and I mixed them up. My apologies.
A Look Into the Mind of a White Rose
I really don't know what to say about myself on this subject other than the truth. Before I was born, my father had eagerly awaited the child that had supposed to have been a boy. Medical doctors never had been able to guess my sex when I was still in the womb, but, when pressed to have an answer, they told my dad that he was the parent of a baby boy. Father had gone out and bought his family some old Cuban cigars and toasted the day, whenever that would be, when his son would be born into this world.
I guess I should explain a little bit more, since you're probably wondering why it was important of him to have a male as his first child. He was the son who couldn't do anything right, and his own father seemed to have graced him with such knowledge over and over again until that was sunken in his mind, but the birth of the first son of his family's generation would've been the thing he hoped the most for.
Imagine his surprise and dismay when I came out without a "winkie". I don't know who suffered the most humiliation- him, from his family, or me, the girl who was supposed to be a boy. Barely a minute old and my father didn't love me for what I was, his baby girl, and it just because my genitalia wasn't right. I guess that it saved him somewhat that my mother loved him dearly, and that she was wealthy enough to afford some of his father's respect, but, until his dying day, I knew he wanted more than that old man was willing to give.
Now that, out of anything, wasn't the worst thing to ever happen to me, but you can imagine growing up in my lifestyle. Always worshipped but never loved. Always cared for but never held unless they were forced to.
For much of my early life, back when I had been born up to the time I was three, I had thought that those maids and butlers that held me when I had bad dreams and reprimanded me nicely had been my father and aunts and uncles. The only one I knew, at the time, was my mother, because she loved me more than anyone else seemed to and she didn't care that I was a girl. She loved me because of it.
Maybe my father's inability to pretend to care for something overcame what parental need there might've been within him. And maybe, just maybe, that was why I had shied away from men when I had gone to school, always preferring the company of women above anyone else. I don't know, but it's only a theory.
Other than that, I suppose it might've been genetic. I did have my crazy Aunt Himeko that all of my close relatives kept me from for fear that she would 'turn me to the dark side'.
I should stop getting sidetracked. My life story isn't the main purpose of this and I shouldn't pretend that it is. It's about something entirely different and, well, I shouldn't hold you up from knowing the truth.
I was still a child on the inside when someone had brought up the idea of me becoming Rosa Gigantea, so one could imagine my thoughts of the idea. Having not been pressured into anything in my entire life (minus school), I didn't think I should have to do anything that required work, and, from what I heard, the work was like truckloads. I hadn't been someone's petite souer, little sister, and I really didn't plan to become one either. It was easier to stand back and let everyone become somebody's someone than to join into the festivities and smile and laugh with my grade school friends.
It was easier not to get hurt if someone confided too much into one person and expected something, anything, in return. I didn't think I could ever give someone my all if I wasn't all together in the first place.
I guess that was about the time when I had met Shiori, when my entire world had turned upside down and caused my world to crumble. I hadn't wanted to admit it, but I had started to trust the overtly Catholic girl with my entire being. I just didn't want anyone else seeing it, seeing that I had grown stronger to accept the hand of another when I was scattered as pieces on the floor, so I had kept it hidden for fear that we, as well as myself, wouldn't be found.
While it was true that I worked harder, that I laughed more, I closed myself off from this hurtful world in the process. I deemed to ignore my friends, the only family I had seemed to have since school had begun, for the comfort of a loving touch and gaze. I was building myself again, putting my hole filled heart together for the first time in a long while, but… it was for heartbreak, no matter how someone might put it.
I don't think I was ever as broken as I had been when Shiori had left, leaving me in nothing but pieces. She had torn me apart, unconsciously stepping on my heart as she walked away, and I cried for the first time since I had been in kindergarten.
Yet, at the same time, I don't think that I was ever together when she left either. She made me stronger, strengthened my resolve, and offered me a chance to change the way my life was going. Some might think I hate her for leaving or think that I wish her to return to my arms, but I don't think I can ask for that. It isn't in my place to beg in the first place, so pleading with some being I was starting to question the existence of wasn't number one on my list of things to do.
A year or so had passed before I was forced to recount her memory before a soul that seemed too innocent to be true. I had been trying to forget, to get stronger than I was, the entire time before I was pushed face-to-face with the issue, but it came to be known that the story of Shiori and I had come out to more people that I deemed necessary. True, it had been mostly the roses who had come to know the entire story, but there had been some that I would rather kill than know the details of my ill-fated love.
Despite that fact though, I had opened myself up to someone I hadn't known entirely well, to someone that had given me little to no reason to tell my tale other than curiosity and the fear that my heartache might affect me still. For the first time, I had opened an organ that hadn't wanted to be bothered ever again and I didn't yearn for her touch like I had prior with the calming eyes and hands of those who I had grown to be friends with. It had been odd for me to accept, but I did- gratefully- and tried to thank this… this 'angel' for causing me an escape.
True, my thanks weren't offered the usually way. There weren't cards or flowers with tiny greeting messages to portray my thankfulness. There wasn't music swelling every time I touched her. My way of saying 'thank you' turned out to be a different sort of way very few tried and excelled at.
Okay, so groping and… well, groping… wasn't anyone's choice of a gift, but it was the only way I could get the message across as much as I could without actually saying the words. She yelled at me and everything, but… there was a tenderness in my touches that I hadn't ever offered to anyone before.
Although it would be difficult to explain that one to someone, considering the predicaments I had often gotten ourselves in. Yeah… 'I fondle you because it's my way of appreciation. So stand still so I can grab you again.' That would go over well… Does anyone in the audience think she'd ever get near me again unless she was bound and dragged to a seedy location nearby?
Okay, I get your point- she would. She's Yumi, after all. She's just too damn nice to stay away from anyone, whether she's mad at them or not, for too long, and that seems to be her fatal flaw around me. But… with all bets down on the table, she seems to have become mine.
Just… do me a favor and keep that to yourself though. No need for someone to get a hold of that piece of information. Unless they want to die.
Okay, Sei, no need for threats that'll never be carried through, so calm down and get a hold of yourself… Besides, it's not like my father would care whether I was in a fight or not. He'd just stop the funding of my education and make sure I couldn't do anything except have a job asking people "Would you like fries with that?", so… threats aren't good on anyone's level of experience…
Anyway, I guess I want to say that I'm probably confusing myself with this mumbo-jumbo that just keeps coming on and on and on no matter what. Don't worry. I'll try and make it more understandable, and try to end it faster than I am.
When I got to college, I had felt liberated from my life for the first time and I had done something to completely confound my family- I cut my hair and ended up looking more and more like a man than my dear father would've wanted. Now don't go thinking I had done this for him, and, if you did, you'd be sorely mistaken. I did it for someone else, although she seems unknowing of my reasons.
The girl who I had opened up to a year or so past from now… well, I know that I'm not prim and proper like her dear Onee-sama. I'm nowhere near the ability of being half as much. So, in all, I won't try to be her. For once, I won't be the rejected daughter of a businessman, and I won't be the dejected lover people think I am due to Shiori's absence. I'm going to try and be someone that isn't Sachiko taller and more women-enticed twin or Shiori's pawn or past lover. I'm going to be myself and nothing more than that.
I just hope Yumi's there to see me shine when she sees how good I can be without the crutches I've placed myself upon. I need to be stronger now, just so she can see that I am the new Sei, the new and improved version that isn't afraid anymore.
Yumi-chan… My adorable little Yumi… I hope that someday, whenever that may be, I can be enough for you.
Orokid: Like I said at the top, I only ask for a full truth and nothing more in reviews. I don't want to put anyone out, but I would appreciate them. Thanks.