Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, but I wouldn't mind owning Thomas or Peter…hell, even Emile:)

Spoilers: Only if you've not seen the movie, but if you've not seen SWING KIDS, why are you reading SK fan fic?

Content Warning: None…right now…

Summary: Thomas wonders when he became that person. Written as though it were a diary.


Jesus. When did it all go so wrong? How did I become the person I hate? There was a time I could look at myself in the mirror, but now? I can't. Peter's gone and somehow I feel to blame.

Thomas Berger looked up for a moment to stare out the window, half thankful it was raining and dreary. He wasn't sure he could handle a lovely day. His soul felt empty and he looked once again at the pages of his journal. He started keeping one after that night…the night he wanted to take back…to forget, but he couldn't. Every now and again, he'd see Willie and, despite his attempts to take care of the young man, Willie despised Thomas, blaming him for Peter's arrest.

Not that Thomas blamed Willie. He too blamed himself. If he had just not fought with his best friend…if he had just helped him sneak out. If he had only done anything but what he did.

I don't know when I became so involved with the HJ. It started when we hoisted that radio. The one belonging to that Jewish man down the street. Peter had to join the HJ. I felt that it was my obligation to join my best friend. After all, why should he have to go through all that alone?

When did it become my life? When did I become that person? When did I, as Peter said, believed that propaganda? When did I begin to idolize Emile and forget about my friendship with Peter? With Arvid? When…I ask myself when?

I wonder how Peter was able to separate himself from the HJ, despite being in it? How was he able to maintain his beliefs and not believe everything that Hitler has told us? Peter was amazing that way.

I just hope he makes it out of the work camp alive, but if he does, he'll never be the same. But, only in body. Or at least one hopes.

If he does make it out alive and I have the chance…I am going to do everything I can to make him…to make Willie…realize how much pain I have felt and continue to feel over this. I betrayed my best friend.

Even as Peter danced as he was being arrested, I fought with myself to do something. He looked at me and all I could do was yell 'Swing heil!' as he stepped on the truck. I saw Willie running, screaming, after Peter. When Peter yelled back 'Swing heil, Willie! SWING HEIL!', I knew that Peter would remain unbroken and that the Nazis would be facing trouble as Willie, a young boy of 10, yelled 'Swing heil!' back. He kept yelling and yelling.

And I stood silent.

When did I become that person?