Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. I also do not own the quote at the beginning of the chapter.
AN: This story will feature short journal entries in which Hermione is trying to sort out not only what is going on in her head, but in her heart. The beginning of each entry will have a quote which Hermione will reference during her entry. Please read and review! Enjoy!
Never bend you head! Always hold it high! Look the world straight in the eye!
March 23rd, 1 year AH (After Hogwarts)
A few years ago, I gave part of myself up. A part I'm not sure if I can ever get back. For you see, the part of me I gave up was the deepest part of my heart. I gave it to someone who doesn't have the slightest idea how I used to feel about him. I never told him that I, Hermione Granger was in love with one of my best friends: Harry Potter.
I was going to tell Harry how I felt, but I never did, for someone else came into the picture: Ginny Weasley. And Ginny felt the same way about Harry and she came to me for answers and someone to confide in. Selfishly, I told her to move on. I told her that she shouldn't spend her life waiting for someone who might never return her feelings. And she listened. Finally I was going to tell Harry how I felt.
But then Cho Chang came along. And Harry liked Cho. How could I not be there for him and support his choice? He obviously wanted to be with Cho and so I let him. When that fell apart, I was half-tempted to tell Harry; but I didn't.
I didn't tell him because I had tried to make myself move on, just as I had advised Ginny to do. And it was working too; I started to have feelings for my other best friend: Ron Weasley. Just feelings, never love but for that time, it was enough.
Then during our sixth year, Harry realized he liked Ginny and it ripped my heart out. Sure I had set my head and part of my heart on Ron, but the deepest, most sacred part of my heart still belonged to Harry. The sight of the two of them made me feel sick. The sight of Ron and Lavender made me feel sick as well. Both of my best friends, the two boys that I was certain I would be spending the rest of my life with one of them, they had someone and I had no one.
Through all of this, I struggled to persevere. It wasn't easy in the slightest, but I made it. There were times where I wanted to curl up in a ball in the middle of the Common Room and cry, but I didn't. Instead, I threw myself into my studies. Studying was the one activity I could find solace in. And I subconsciously started to push them both away. But I wasn't defeated by their relationships. Internally, I may have been hurt, but I was still able to "look the world in the eye!" as Helen Keller advised us all to do.
During what would have been our seventh year at Hogwarts if we had stayed, I began a deeper relationship with Ron. Even though Harry had broken up with Ginny, I still couldn't go to him. Besides, what I felt for Ron was now more than I had felt for him before. He was someone who complain as he may, appreciated me for who I was (deep down even if he didn't always show it). I felt safe with Ron, even when he was being a prat and I was mad at him. He was still my anchor. And I wasn't about to let go.
Today, I am still with Ron and Harry and Ginny have renewed their relationship. My connection with Ron is the strongest it has ever been, so why, as we are finally becoming a true couple and are about to move in together do I suddenly find myself thinking of the love I felt for Harry that once consumed me?
I have held my head high for so long, how can I suddenly be ready to bend in down?