"Well, there was that one time when I had sex with your mother…"

Rose groaned. "Jack, we need to get him to stop. We just need it to stop."

Jack flipped through the heavy OED-esque manual, looking for some formula to counteract the Zpelian Truth Serum frantically, still not finding anything. "Ok, so it's OK for him to explain to me how he really DID mean to let me die when my ship blew up, but he thought I'd be 'funny' to make me watch him dance with you… but the knowledge that he had sex with your mother is just… too much. Having sex with someone's mother is practically how we say hello where I come from. "

The Doctor's bound hands reached up for Rose in a wholly uncoordinated fashion, bound together with vines and tied off in a firmly (but easily defeatable) square knot.

"He had sex with MY mother, Jack," Rose huffed. "Sex. With MY MOTHER."

The Doctor picked his head up off of the grill floor of the console room. "It wasn't like I knew she was your mother. And I was like two hundred and forty or something. It was adolescence! You can hardly be held responsible for shagging a fuckwit like Ricky when you were young and stupid!" His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his skull contacted with the metal grating again. "I said, Jamie, I'll explain what happened to the Brigadier, you find Zoe, and he did, only I found them and they were shagging something fierce, and I was like… oh well, isn't that lovely. Those two crazy kids got together, except, like, I minded a bit. And I don't know why that is."

Rose moaned pitifully, covering her ears with her hands. "Jack… make it stoo-op." The truth hurt. It hurt her mind more than her pride and soon her brain would explode, and there'd be bits of it all over the walls.

Flipping to the index, Jack tried to find something useful. "Gimme a minute!"

The Doctor continued on, as if nothing else at all had been said. "So, then I was like, hey, they're shagging up a storm, lets eat chips! So I was eating chips, and in walks this lady, and she asks why I have such a dour face, and I says it's because I am a little put-out that two of my friends are using my console room for a…tryst. And she says, well, no sense in them having all the fun.."

Moaning, Rose covered her eyes. "WHY?"

"Well, I was bored, and I was feeling a little…unhappy…" He reached up again with bound hands for her. "I just want to touch your boobs. Is that too much to ask for? Just… squish-squish!" He made a rather adolescent honking gesture with both hands.

Frowning, Rose pulled out of his reach. " You were just explaining to me how you had sex with my mother!"

The Doctor's blue eyes rolled around in their sockets. "That was, like… six hundred years ago. You haveta learn how to let go of these things. Especially when you have… mounds. Mounds like rising bread dough. Mounds like Italian volcanic mountains. Mounds, mounds mounds…"

Rose sighed. "Can we not talk about mounds? OR about my mother, and what you did with her six hundred years ago?" She gasped. "Oh god. Please tell me you're not really my father."

"I could tell you that."

She breathed a sigh of relief.

"But I'd be lying."

When she gasped with shock, he started laughing. "It's ok! I'm lying about lying! You were… ten. No worries! I can have sex with you and it will be kinky, but not illegal!"

Rose moaned. "PLEASE stop being so truthful!" She had no idea why the 'truth' in her Doctor's case, meant saying every last thing that flittered through his mind.

The Doctor closed his eyes, happily using the quiet moment to rest.

"Yeah," he whispered finally. "I have a kinky human fetish. You're human. We should have sex…" His jaw slackened as the burden of trying to hold back truth (which had obviously failed miserably) finally worked its way through his system. "Happy fun boobs. I'd squeeze 'em. You should let me squeeze 'em."

Rose whimpered, not sure what to make of the situation, entirely. Jack was flipping through pages vigorously, the index obviously being of no assistance.

Ever so slowly, the Doctor drifted off to sleep. "It'd be… fantastic." He breathed out a relaxed sigh. "We should have a threesome."

"No we shouldn't," Rose protested firmly.

Jack's head snapped up from the book. "Hey!"

"WHAT?"

"Can't a guy live in hope?" Jack frowned, like she'd stolen his lolly.

The Doctor's head raised off the floor. "Yeah! Live in hope!"

Growling, she pointed a finger at him. "You! You think I'd have a threesome with you and ANYBODY else after you tell me you had sex with my mother six hundred years ago when I was ten, and nobody was looking?"

"You would have had a threesome before then?" the Doctor asked, frowning in disappointment. A second later, he began thwacking the side of his head off the grill floor.

THE END