A/N: Firstly: WARNING: you should not read this! This will seriously rot your brain with the amount of stupid within these two pages. You have been warned.
Secondly: THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! THIS IS THEIR FAULT! *points in the direction of the facebook duckling pond*. All I did was share a funny thing: I accidently wrote Slade saying "YES" instead of "yes" which made him sound so hyper. SOME PEOPLE *points in the direction for the pond again* thought I should write a crack fic where Slade is like that.
I should have resisted, but I'm weak, so I didn't. Here it is.
Everyone jumped when the booming voice suddenly almost exploded over the speaker system in the Tower.
"Slade?" Robin said, shooting to his feet. The normal hostility in his voice had taken a back seat to puzzlement, though. The masked man on the screen was undoubtedly Slade, but there were certain… things… that didn't make sense. The straw hanging from the far left slit in his mask, for example, dangling idly.
"YOU WILL BE POWERLESS TO STOP ME!"
"Excuse you, what?" Cyborg spoke up.
"Stop you from what, dude?" Beast Boy wanted to know.
"I didn't tell you?" Slade asked, sounding confused.
"No, you skipped that part," Robin snorted.
"Will you please let us know what deed we will be unable to stop?" Starfire asked, quite polite as usual.
"Of course, of course. I have notes." the villain looked down and seemed to be digging through things on a desk. "WHERE ARE THEY!? WHERE ARE MY NOTES? AH, DAMMIT, MY MACCHIATO!" The man threw a dripping mug over his shoulder, having apparently spilled its contents all over the place.
"No rush. We'll wait," Raven said dryly.
"YOU BETTER! This is important!" the man half shouted, half growled.
"Um… Slade, are you… okay?" Robin couldn't help but ask.
"Of course, sweetheart! IS IT MY FAULT A 24-HOUR STARBUCKS OPENED ON THE CORNER? IS IT?!"
"No, I− What… what did you call me?"
"Oh, you know I want to bend you over the nearest table," Slade said distractedly, as he was wiping up the coffee with what looked like a pair of formerly white Y-fronts. "Wait, I didn't say that out aloud, did I?"
"N-No one heard a thing!" Robin claimed. The other Titans were too stunned, disgusted or confused to reply.
"Good… good. We'll have time for that once I- AHA! ONCE I TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" the man waved a bunch of coffee-soaked yellow post-it notes in the air.
"Wait, your plan is on those?" Beast Boy asked, not very impressed. When he came up with plans he at least used a white board and some other nifty visual aids.
"I'M GOING TO ROB THE WORLD OF CAFFEINE!" Slade declared. "AND POSSIBLY DOUGNUTS!"
"Oookay… and… how?" Robin asked.
"ROBBING ALL THE STARBUCKS!"
"Slade, um… have you had a lot of coffee by any chance?"
"Yeah, I think that maybe… maybe you should cut down…"
"No, my metabolism can handle it! I started a new diet of refined sugar and coffee one week ago, IT WORKS GREAT!"
"Are you aware that you're shouting a lot?" Raven asked.
"I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL!" At that point Slade reached for something off screen, which turned out to be a huge paper mug with a Starbucks logo on it. He pushed the straw which had been dangling from his mask through the plastic top and a slurping sound could be heard. The heroes just stared at the villain as he emptied the whole mug in fifteen seconds flat and then burped.
"Okay, so… you're going to rob coffee shops… that's your plan?" Robin decided to clarify.
"I'M SO EXCITED!"
"We can hear that. You don't think you should… sleep on it?"
"I'M NOT SLEEPING ANYMORE! THAT'S WHY I STARTED THE DIET! NO SLEEPING, MORE TIME FOR BRILLIANT PLANS!"
"Seriously, dude, you should hit the sack," Beast Boy groaned.
"I'M ONLY HITTING THE SACK IF YOUR LEADER JOINS ME IN IT!"
"Fine." It was Raven who had spoken and the rest of the Titans turned and stared at her. Slade dropped the straw.
"Excuse me!?" Robin was a tiny bit upset. Just a tiny bit.
"Listen, we can't have a sugar and caffeine high Slade running around town stealing coffee," the empath explained in a reasonable tone. "Who knows how many might get hurt. Honestly, would you want to fight him in that state?"
The team turned back to the screen and after a moments deliberation all of them shook their heads. This Slade acted like he would rip your arm off and use it to set up a base-ball game with your head as the ball. Just to have something to do.
"I agree that Slade is a bit… insane at the moment, but I don't want to-"
"He won't even remember this once he's normal again," Raven whispered. "All we need to do is convince him to lay off the coffee and sugar. He'll have so much withdrawal that he'll be out for a week, and if he does remember, he'll be too damn embarrassed about how he acted to show his face… he might even move from Jump!"
"Fine!" Robin hissed and then turned to Slade. "Sure. Go off sugar and caffeine this instant and you can fuck me."
"I'LL BE RIGHT OVER!"
"NO! Not until it's out of your system and you're back to normal!"
"OKAY! WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FUCK?"
"I'll… leave that up to you."
"I'VE ALWAYS FANTASIZED ABOUT TAKING YOU IN YOUR OWN BED AT THE TOWER!"
"Oh dear god…" Robin groaned. "Fine. Come by when you're… um… you again."
"GOOD! I'LL BRING LUBE! I'M BIG!"
"Yes, yes, that's… you do that. Please hang up now?" Robin was very close to dying from just having really fucking dreadful life right now.
"WOULD YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE?"
"CHOCOLATE IS AWESOME! DID YOU KNOW THYE PUT IT IN COFFEE TOO?!"
"YES I- I mean… yes. Yes Slade. But you can't have any more of that right now, remember? So get rid of all the bad stuff, and try to lie down a bit, okay?" Robin tried his nicest 'talking to children'-voice.
"I WILL! I'M LOOKING FORWARDS TO HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH YOU! BYE!"
The screen went blank.
Robin furled up on the sofa in fetal position, whimpering softly.
"Don't worry. We'll never see him again," Raven comforted him.
Six days later there was a knock on the door.
Don't ever bring this up.