Title: Once Upon a Time in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Author: Jade Pilot

Genre: Humor

Characters: Han, Jaina & Jacen Solo

Timeframe: Post ROTJ

Summary: Han attempts a Fairy tale one night before bedtime.

"A long time ago…in a galaxy far, far away…"


"What Jaina? You said you wanted a story."

"I said I wanted a fairy tale, like the ones that Winter reads to us."

"You know, Dad," said Jacen. "The kind that begin with once upon a time…."

"Oh…uh, thanks son." Han cleared his throat and began again.

"Once upon a time…" he paused nonplussed as to what should come next. Han looked into the wide eyes of his twin children and smiled. "…there lived a beautiful princess."

"What was her name?"

"What was her castle like?"

"She was a beautiful princess who lived in a beautiful castle, in the beautiful kingdom of…of…Smalderaan."



Han pressed his finger to his lips. "Shhhhhh…if you wake Anakin or your mother, she'll have a real hissy-fit—"

Jaina folded her arms across her chest. "What-was-her-NAME?"

"Uh-oh," whispered Jacen. "Jaina's the princess of hissy-fits."


Jaina paused. "That'll work."

Han took a deep breath. "Princess Hissy-fit was not only beautiful—she was the most beautiful princess in the entire kingdom—"

"Did she have any gaupas?" asked Jacen.


"What kind?"

"They were…beautiful gaupas."

"How about kitlings?"


"What kind?"

"Beautiful ones."

"What about lizards?"

"Yes! Yes! Big beautiful lizards! Now can I get back to the story, PLEASE?"

Jacen frowned. "Sure Dad. You don't have to yell."

"So Princess Hissy-fit grew up in a castle in Smalderon, but she was not happy."

"Why not?"

"Because Princess Hissy-fit longed to be married, but there were no men in her kingdom that she… took a fancy to."

"What does that mean?"

"There were no men in the kingdom who made her heart beat faster. She longed to meet a man who was dashing and handsome and the pilot of his own YT- 1300 Transport starship."


"So our beautiful princess set out in her own Corellian Corvette in search of the one legendary man who could make all her dreams come true."

"Did the princess' ship have remote-controlled slave circuitry?"

"Of course," said Han. "Anyway, as Princess Hissy-fit traveled across the galaxy she happened to intercept a transmission meant for the evil, no-good, black-hearted Emperor. She knew this information would help rid the galaxy of this rodent once and for all, so she raced back to Smalderaan with the Emperor's evil wizard, Ralph Nader in hot pursuit."

"This is getting good, Dad."

"Thanks, Jacen."

"The Emperor's men—"

"What were they called?"

"They were called…Starsnoopers."

"Starsnoopers? What kind of a fairy tale is this anyway?"

"Hush, Jaina—the Starsnoopers fired on Princess Hissy-fit's vessel disabling the main reactor and grabbing the small starship with their tractor beam. The evil wizard Nader had the princess right where he wanted her. Things were looking pretty bad for our girl."

"Will she be all right?" asked Jacen, in a small voice.

"Of course, laser brain," said Jaina. "It's a fairy tale."

"Don't call your brother names."

Jaina scowled.

"The Princess was taken captive and thrown into the detention…I mean, dungeon, but as luck would have it—"

"Solo luck?"

"Something like that. As luck would have it, two of her servants evacuated in an escape pod and landed in a nearby kingdom—"

"What was—"

"SPATTOOINE, okay? The kingdom of Spatooine was home to a guy named…Duke and Len who found the droi—servants and retrieved the information on the where-a-bouts of the princess."

"Hey…wait a minute—"

"They got to the space port, and hired the most suave, handsome and debonair pilot in the galaxy… Don Zolo! Together, the three guys raced to Smalderaan hoping to save the princess."


"Disguised as Starsnoopers, our heroes rescued the princess and escaped with the vital information that would defeat the Emperor."

"This is SO not a fairy tale, Dad."

"What do you mean, of course it is."

Jaina rolled her eyes.

"The heroes led by the dashing Don Zolo got the information to the leader of the rebel…I mean, rainbow forces who figured out a plan."

"Rainbow forces?"

"Quiet, Jaina…this is good."

"Thank you, Jacen... Duke led the attack with Don Zolo feigning a retreat so that he could sneak in later for a surprise attack."

"What happened to Len?"


"Permanently," said Jaina with a scowl.

"At the last possible moment, Duke flew in for the kill while Don Zolo swooped up from behind knocking Nader out of the way so that Duke could finish off the Emperor's ship."

"What happened next?" asked Jacen.

"Princess Hissy-fit realized that Don Zolo was the man of her dreams—"

"He made her heart beat faster?"

"Yes, Jacen," smiled Han. "They married and lived happily ever after!"

The twins sat staring at their father.

"Okay, that's it for the fairytale… go get your sleep clothes on."

Jaina and Jacen slowly got up and headed toward their bedroom.

"That was NOT a fairytale, Dad."

"Yes, it was…Jacen liked it."

Jaina smirked. "You forgot to tell us the part where Duke turns out to be Princess Hissy-fit's brother."


Jacen blinked. "He was?"

"And the part where the Emperor gets tossed over the side of a—"

"Jaina!" barked Han. "That's enough. Sleep clothes. Bed. Now."

"Sheesh," mumbled Jaina walking from the room. "At least Uncle Luke uses different voices when he tells us a story."

"I heard that!" called Han.

"And Uncle Luke's stories are original—"

"I heard that, too!" Han trudged into the master bedroom and put on his own sleep clothes. Quietly sliding into bed so as not to wake his wife, he pulled the covers up to his chest and sighed.

Han heard a rustling of covers next to him and a curious lilt to his wife's voice. "Goodnight…Don."