It is, and because it is and because you were I can hear the sound of you, the sound of myself

The sound you could never make in front of anyone else, the sound

No one else ever heard, the sound you never knew I could hear, never knew I cared enough to listen for, the sound of

Sobbing, crying, desperate, lonely, cold was what it was, I knew, and it was because of

The world you knew, you knew

More than I, more about the world of glamour, more about yourself, more about

Everything that meant anything

To anyone


It is

I am because

You were

Because all that I am is you

And all that I never was is you

Because you, your radiance, my gentle admiration

Never diminished, only grew stronger with the passing of time

Stronger as I watched you bounce from lover to lover

As certain as I was in following your footsteps I

Knew I couldn't follow in your path, I

Knew what you were, and knew what I am and

I didn't want the men who destroyed you

Only you

So it was



It is and

So it is and

It is because you are

And because you needed a left because you were always right

About everything, and I

Needed a right because I was left


Cold and shivering and I should have told you, should have

Told you about me and you and I and

Everything and about how I wanted you, wanted to kiss you somewhere, anywhere, everywhere and

Cradle you and hold you until I knew you couldn't escape, wouldn't escape, because I was afraid

Afraid you would leave, so I

Wanted to be with you, and feel your warm breath and make love to you until

You knew that it is, that it always was, that I did, that I always did, that it was, that it always was

It is



It is, it is

It is and it is not,

The proof of your pain, the melancholy in your

High-end, low-key apartment with all your bitter sadness hidden

Under the rug and in your heart and in the cabinets, the

Proof of your suffering, one hundred fold, one hundred percent, one hundred empty glass bottles

Rattling around on the floor and in your head and on the counter next to your car keys and

Watching you all night

Asleep, watching you wake up in a pool of your own tears, I

Told you as a friend

Only a friend

To stop, to stop, stop, stop, even if I never knew how to stop anything myself

Even if I kept falling into different traps the same way

Even if I never was that strong myself

Even if it wasn't

Even if it is


But I feel, I feel that it is

It is

I was

You were

I wanted it to be

You didn't know you were

Not only a mentor

Not just a friend, not just a crutch, not just a smile and a few kind words, you were

More, always more, more than I could ever be, and because you could not, I live

I live on

I am

It is, I wanted, because I want, because it was, because I wanted to save you from

Yourself, your greatest enemy, my truest friend and my only admiration, and I was

I was

I wanted to, wanted to save you, give you your life even if you were already dead, even if

They killed you long before they killed each other for their foolish pride, a whip to the face,

Pride I wanted to have so badly I played their game and

Broke their rules and killed my pride and invited a whip to lash me in my dreams, but

I wanted to tell you that I was so proud of you and

I am strong because of you and because you never knew, and

You told me to be free and

I could have told you what you meant to me, what I wanted to say, even though it was

Wrong and

Not right and

A feeling you might have

Cast away or maybe you never had because

Maybe you could really never feel that way about

Another woman

But I am, I am a

Cast away, and I couldn't, I couldn't, I

Can't cast those feelings away so easily

I can't

I'm not


It can't be denied

It isn't

I can't

I want to, but

I can't

It isn't

I'm sorry, but

There will be others around me, men and

Women alike, everyone in my world, and there will be others who smell like

Cinnamon and the subtle smell of lavender and rose perfume and candles remind me again and again of

Movie screens we saw together and

The subtle swish of your dress and that department store you took me shopping and

All the things you were, and

All the things I never was, and

All the things I wanted to have with me forever

I know

But I can't

It isn't

And I march on, strong, relieved, smiling, rebuilding my life and I must

Move on, and forget, and search, and smile like you did for me and

Smile so hard my glasses fall off because you never wore glasses anyway and

I want to pretend so badly that I am no longer the same me

And I am you, and you are still around, and

That is because as much as I don't want to believe, it is, it is goodbye, it is, it

Is, this is

You aren't

You were

But it is

It still is

I know it