Author's Note: Please note that the overuse of adverbs in this story is purely intentional.

Ending #1 : Harry Potter dies

The long nightmare was finally over. Lord Voldemort was vanquished. Hogwarts and all of humanity were finally safe.

But for Ron and Hermione, it was an empty victory, for Harry Potter lay dying.

Hermione gently cradled a dying Harry in her arms. With one arm she held him, and with the other hand, she caressed his battered face.

"Oh Harry," she said tearfully, "You gave your life to save us."

"Hermione," Harry choked out between coughs of blood, "There's something I need to tell you."

"Yes, Harry?" Hermione said expectantly.

"Hermione…" Harry said tenderly. "I love you. I always have."

Ron stood by, listening. The words struck him like a thunderbolt.

"What?" Ron exclaimed, outraged. "What do you mean you love Hermione? She's my girl, Harry, not yours!"

"Ron," Hermione said angrily, "shut up. I'm having my Beauty and the Beast moment with Harry here. Okay? Chill out."

"Maybe… it's better this way," Harry gasped sadly.

"No," Hermione said bracingly, turning to Harry, "don't say that. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine, you'll see!"

"Harry," Ron yelled furiously over Hermione's shoulder, "You're a little bitch, you know that? First you went all ga-ga over Cho Chang. Typical white boy Asian fetish if you ask me. Then you had the hots for my younger sister, and you left her behind like Peter Parker at the end of the first Spiderman movie.

"Come to think of it," Ron said tauntingly, "you've always had it good. You were the one who survived when you're parents didn't. You were the one who always won the Quiddich matches by grabbing that stupid snitch after the rest of us had been flying around for hours beating each other up with balls. Then you always won extra points for saving the day even though we'd lost to Slytherin. You made it when Cedric didn't. You lived even though Dumbledore didn't. You're a little bitch, you know that Harry? Hermione and I should have let your punk ass die a long time ago."

Harry gasped again and sputtered weakly.

Hermione leaned in to kiss him on the lips for the first time.

With that, Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was finally dead.

"Goodbye," Hermione whispered lovingly to Harry, ignoring Ron's angry tirade. "I love you."

It was her long secret; ever since the day they had met, Hermione had loved Harry Potter. But she had never been able to admit it to Harry, and now it was too late. For the rest of her life, with Ron at her side, she would forever carry her hidden love for Harry. It was a tragic love that could never be.

Ending #2 : Hermione dies

The long nightmare was finally over. Lord Voldemort was vanquished. Hogwarts and all of humanity were finally safe.

But for Ron and Harry, it was an empty victory, for Hermione Granger lay dying.

Harry gently cradled a dying Hermione in her arms. With one arm he held her, and with the other hand, he caressed her battered face.

"Hermione," Harry said gently, "you saved us all."

"Bet your ass I saved you," Hermione said smilingly, "where would you be without me?"

Harry started crying inconsolably.

"Do not grieve," Hermione said bracingly, wiping the tears from Harry's face. "For soon I will be one with the matrix."

"The matrix?!" Ron yelled. "What the hell is the matrix?!"

"You got the touch," Hermione whispered encouragingly to Harry. "You got the power… yeah."

"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said gratefully. "I will always remember."

"Come to think of it," Ron said questioningly, "what the hell am I doing standing here? I should be the one holding Hermione, not you!"

Ron furiously shoved Harry out of the way and cradled his would-be girlfriend in his arms.

"Last year I told you I loved you," Ron said affectionately to Hermione. "I still love you. I'll always love you…"

"Damn it all to hell!" Ron cried in anguish. "I finally get the girl, and now look! Don't leave me, Hermione. I've been pining for you for seven years! If you leave me now, how am I supposed to get the chicks? That bitch Harry keeps hogging them all for himself."

"Bittersweet memories," Hermione crooned romantically to Ron, channeling her best Whitney Houston. "That is all I'm taking with me. So goodbye, please don't cry. We both know I'm not what you need. And I… I will always love you. I will always love yoooooooooouuuuuu…"

With that, Hermione breathed her last, and Hermione, the girl who always saved the ass of the "boy who lived," was dead.

Ending #3 : Ron dies

The long nightmare was finally over. Lord Voldemort was vanquished. Hogwarts and all of humanity were finally safe.

But for Hermione and Harry, it was an empty victory, for Ron Weasley lay dying.

Hermione gently cradled a dying Ron in her arms. With one arm she held him, and with the other hand, she caressed his battered face.

"Oh, Ron," Hermione said gently, "you saved us all."

"I know," Ron said softly. "It was my fate to die, ever since first year. You know how it is. I was the sidekick. Sidekicks always die. It was pretty amazing that I escaped death in year five, and Harry's godfather died instead. But I couldn't run forever."

Ron gestured toward Harry, and Harry leaned in closer.

"Earn… this," Ron whispered fiercely to Harry. Harry looked at him closely, straining to hear, not wanting to miss Ron's last words.

Ron smiled.

"Earn it."

With that, Ron breathed his last, and Ron Weasley, the boy who always helped Hermione Granger save the ass of "the boy who lived," was dead.

EPILOGUE: FIFTY YEARS LATER

Fifty years later, Harry and Hermione stood over Ron's grave stone at Hogwarts cemetery. Behind them stood Harry and Hermione's children and grandchildren, who took pictures of the castle grounds with their magical cameras.

"I've never forgotten your words to me that day on the bridge," Harry said. "I've tried my best to live a good life. After you died, I asked Hermione to marry me. I confessed that I'd secretly carried a torch for her for seven years. I've tried my best to love her the way you might have loved her. We've had a happy family life, and the sex is fantastic. She's awesome in bed, Ron. It's really smoking hot. I mean, wow! You should have never have told her that year that you were a virgin, Ron. I think that may have sealed your fate. But what's past is in the past, and we can't change it, except for the time we traveled back through time in year three.

"I love Hermione. But sometimes, I still think of the old days and…"

Harry got choked up. He started crying and got weak in the knees.

"Dear?" Hermione said bracingly to Harry, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Tell me I've lived a good life," Harry said emotionally.

"What?"

"Tell me I'm a good man."

Hermione looked long and hard at the man she had known since they were young, the man who had taken the place in her heart she had held for Ron Weasley. She knew Harry was searching for something, some kind of validation for his feelings, something to make him feel that he'd done the right thing, made the right decisions, which of course included snogging and humping his dead best friend's true love.

"You're a good man," she said lovingly. "And I love you, Harry Potter."

THE END