Author's note: So I haven't had much experience writing from Bella's point of view as a vampire, so please, be nice. Hehe. Anyway, this idea came randomly to me, as most of my ideas do. So you know, enjoy. Haha. Oh, and this is a oneshot, so I won't be continuing it. I mean, if I suddenly have a burst og genius, maybe, but since that is not going to happen….
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters. 'Kay? Okay. Good.
It had been two months since the transformation had taken place. Edward still felt guilty, I was sure, but it was true that I was very happy. I was ecstatic. He hadn't been exaggerating, the thirst was unimaginably strong. The entire family had relocated to a very remote area for me now, where we were all supposedly home-schooled by Esme, and Carlisle was able to work at a small clinic a few miles away.
I understood now, the thirst Edward had struggled to explain to me as a human. What I couldn't ever seem to comprehend was the thirst he must have had for me. It was hard to think straight, even now, miles away from any kind of human blood. But I was still restraining myself. It was so difficult to concentrate. I knew I was stronger than I used to be. I guess I had an advantage. I went into this knowing I was not going to give into the temptation, and that seemed to be enough to keep me going. Carlisle was amazing about it all. He was there for me to explain the things I didn't understand and to teach me how to abstain.
Edward was right about one thing. No matter how much I deny it, I do miss my human life a bit. Not enough to want it back. I wouldn't give up this life I had now, this life where I had Edward for all eternity, for the world. But there was a few human memories and experiences I missed, and would miss. I see that now.
I had Edward go to Jacksonville for me. He managed to find a few of my keepsakes in a box that had not yet been unpacked. He had brought them back to me. I had asked him specifically not to read my old journals. These were mine. They were piled on the desk in front of me. I got up off my stomach, from where I was laying on the bed. I made my way to the desk, grabbed the pile of five journals, and brought them back to the bed, where I flopped down again. I don't know why I had insisted on keeping the bed, but it was comforting to me, somehow. Besides, I liked to snuggle up in the pillows once in a while, and just think. It was the closest I could come to dreaming. At least this way I could control my dreams, no more nightmares.
I took a deep breath and opened the first of my journals. I knew I had started these on my thirteenth birthday. I read the first entry slowly.
Mom let me have a birthday party! Jenna gave me this diary! I think I'll start writing. I mean, in movies, people write stuff like this down all the time. Maybe I'll want this when I'm older. Maybe I'm actually married now…. I wonder if I have kids. I know I want to have kids, so I can't see myself giving that up. Although, I guess you never know. Who knows what will happen in the future? Mom says you can never tell. But it's important to keep to your beliefs. Hmm.
Huh. I had forgotten about Jenna. I vaguely remembered a lanky girl with thin blond hair, and thin lips. She had been a close friend of mine. Hm. I ran my long white fingers over the indents the pen had made, as I closed my eyes and tried my best to remember my thirteen-year-old self. It was hard. I remembered learning to drive at sixteen. I remembered meeting Edward in Forks. I remembered a lot of the really important things, because, by Edward's request, I had written these memories all down before he changed me. I smiled as I remembered sitting in this very room, telling him all my memories. Everything I could remember, as he calmly wrote them all in a notebook.
"Bella?" Edward came in the room quietly. My eyes shot open, and I put the journal away quickly. But I knew he'd seen it.
"Hey." I said quietly.
"How are you doing?" He asked, and I looked into his eyes curiously. Yep. Guilt.
"I'm fine. Really Edward. I promise, okay?" I tried to calm him down, and keep my thoughts straight. The temptation. It was there all the time. It was a nagging persistence, and I tried not to give in. To think of what destruction I could do.
"Hmm…" He absently played with a strand of my hair. "Are you ever going to show me those journals?" He asked me conversationally.
"No." I whispered, so quietly, it was almost inaudible.
"Why?" He breathed into my neck. That was very distracting. It almost overtook the blood lust.
"Why?" He insisted. I sighed, and pulled away.
"Because I think they will upset you." I admitted.
He leaned forward again, this time to press his lips at my ear. "Why?"
"Edward. If I told you, there would be no point in not letting you read-"
"I know, I know. But I still want to know." He was at my cheek now. I knew that as a human, I wouldn't be breathing now. One more advantage of being a vampire: no hyperventilating. I sighed again.
"I don't want to tell you." I tried to pull away again, but he held me still.
"You've made that very clear." He whispered against the corner of my mouth, so low that I knew none of the others could hear. "Please Bella?" he sighed.
My breathing was coming in shallower, making him chuckle. Just because I wasn't human, that apparently did not mean I didn't react…
"Okay." I began, and he pulled away a little, to watch my face. "I used to talk a lot about the future. About what I wanted in life."
He frowned, and hurt touched his eyes. I realised my words hadn't exactly been the most thoughtful. I tried again.
"No, Edward. I don't mean it like that! But I'm sure you can understand that I didn't want the same things I want now. It wasn't always my plan to become a vampire," I paused, watching his expression go blank, before I continued, "I'm sure you can understand that." I swallowed.
"Is that all you have to say?" I asked him. "Oh?"
"Well… what else do you want me to say Bella?" He snapped. I recoiled.
"I don't know." I whispered thoughtfully. "I don't know."
My thoughts began to drift towards the blood again, so I spoke again, to distract myself, "Edward?"
"Mmm?" He seemed to be deep in thought also, but I knew his self control was much better than mine.
"Would you… like to read them?" I crawled into his lap, and lay my head against his chest. It was also familiar, like the bed, it was a comfort zone.
He was silent for a long moment. "Yes. But I don't want to read them if you don't want to share them. I understand if you don't want me to be in the part of you life Bella."
I looked up to face him. I couldn't understand his expression. "Edward, you know I want you in every aspect of my life. I just don't want you to be hurt… Don't you understand?"
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and pressed his lips into the hollow beneath my ear. "Perhaps not."
I shivered slightly, more out of habit than anything else. I felt him smile on my skin, as he raised his head to place his firm lips on mine.
I knew this was how it was supposed to be. How it should be. How it is.
"I love you Bella." He murmured against my lips. I smiled.
"I know, love, I know."
"So, what?" He asked, and the kissed me again, before I could answer.
"So, are you going to read them?"
"Maybe." He murmured. "But not now."
"Mmm…" I sighed, and flopped down on my back, resting my head on a pillow. He lay beside me. I was in sweatpants Alice had got bored of. I was her size now, so she was ecstatic about picking out clothing we could share. But that also meant I could take hand-me-downs, which I felt less guilty about, because they weren't originally meant for me. I held my breath silently, hoping Edward wouldn't notice. The blood lust was beginning to take over once again.
"I'm so sorry Bella. I should have not ever got involved with you. At all. I'm-"
"Shh! Edward. No. Never apologize for that. Please." I shut my eyes tightly, pressing my fingers against my rock hard temples. "Please." I whispered again, in the silence.
"I'm sorry." He said again. "For saying I'm sorry." He grinned. I laughed.
"Nice. Very nice."
"There was something else, I should give you." Edward whispered quietly.
"What?" I sat up. He lay down still. I watched his face carefully.
"Well. I went to your grave this afternoon. You know, on my way back from Jacksonville…"
"You went to my grave?!" I almost squealed.
He nodded. "And… well, I found these." He handed me two envelopes, both were tattered looking, and had familiar handwriting on them. I took a deep breath, and instantly regretted it. The blood. Crap! I continued holding my breath. And closed my eyes. I concentrated on where I was.
"Thank you." I said finally, once I'd regained control.
I stared at the envelope in my hands, turning it around and around.
"I won't read it, if you don't want me to." Edward whispered, pained.
"No, no. It really doesn't matter Edward. I was just…thinking."
"Hmm…" Edward relaxed into the pillows once more. I resisted the urge to take a deep, calming breath, a habit I should probably break, and tore open the letter.
Hi there! I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now… and that's okay. You don't have to write back. I just wanted you to know I'm out here Bells. I hope things are going okay for you. I know that by this time you're probably…one of… them. But I really do hope you're okay Bella. Really. And I'd like you to keep in touch, if possible. I have all the time in the world Bella, you don't have to rush. I miss you.
"Well…" Edward said after a long silence, "that's er…nice. Of him. You know." He spoke brokenly.
I ignored this and opened the second envelope.
I know you haven't yet received my last letter, but I'll write this anyway. I'm still missing you. If you can, write back, maybe get your bloodsucker to drop it off here? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have written bloodsucker. Seeing as you're… well anyway, please Bella? I miss you.
"He's a good guy Bella." Edward said calmly.
"I know. I really do know. He helped me through a lot Edward. And now look…look what I've done to him. To everyone." I sobbed dryly, knowing if I were human, I'd be crying.
"Shh… Bella….love….it's not your fault-"
"Yes, yes, yes. Yes, it is my fault. Stop saying it's not. It makes it worse."
He sat silently for a few minutes. "I'm sorry Edward." I muttered. "I'm just…"
"Bella. Really, it's okay." He took a deep staggering breath. I reminded myself to not breathe. I was proud of myself, I had been doing well for the last ten minutes. That thought perked me up slightly.
"I miss him Edward."
"I know Bella. Believe me, I know. You love him." He said quietly.
"Yes. I do." I admitted again, more to myself. "But I love you more."
"Yes. I know Bella. But Jacob is better for you."
"I thought we were past all that!" I shot back. "Edward! Don't you think it's a little late for that now!? How can you doubt it now! After all this? You of all people know how hard…how…. Impossible it really is to abstain from human blood. You know a little something about self control, do you not? You know how hard this is for me! You know it gets a lot harder! Why are you doubting me? Am I not…enough for you?"
He looked shocked at my outburst, and then suddenly pulled me closer. "Bella." He breathed. "How can you even think for one second you're not good enough for me? You don't see yourself for what you are at all, you know that? You are far, far too good for me. How can you not realise that?"
I took at deep breath, in an attempt to calm myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The scent filled me once again, and no matter how mild, I didn't know if I could control myself much longer. How? How did they do this?
"Hold you breath Bella." Edward mumbled.
"I know. I keep forgetting that." I told him.
"It helps though. So do distractions," he shrugged. Then looked into my eyes. "You're doing well you know Bella. I don't think we've had to physically restrain you since you first… became-"
"You are much, much better than me." I told him. He scoffed.
"Yes, but Bella, I am almost one hundred and ten years old!"
"Ew." I teased. He gaped at me and then poked me teasingly.
"You'll be as old as me one day." He reminded me. I smiled.
"Yes, but then you'll be in your two-hundreds. Ahh, my dear Edward, I am afraid to say you are much too old for me." He laughed.
I inhaled a bit by mistake again. I fell back on the bed closing my eyes, exhaling heavily. "Okay, okay, okay, okay…" I murmured to myself quietly. "It will be fine. Don't breathe. Close eyes…" I often talked to myself when I was most tempted, Edward knew this. No matter how much he teased me about it, it really did help.
"You really are doing well though Bella. I mean it." He whispered from the side of the bed.
"Thank you." I directed at him in my chanting, without breaking my concentration.
"Hmm… maybe it's time to experiment with a different technique…"
I opened my eyes to see him leaning over me, amused, but concerned. "What would that be?" I asked him, and then closed my eyes again, thinking as hard as I could about not breathing.
Suddenly his lips were on mine, and his arms were around my waist, clutching me tightly. I pulled my arms over his shoulders.
"Distractions." He spoke against my lips, and kissed me again before I could comment.
"I'm sorry Edward." I said against his lips as soon as he let me speak.
"For what?" he asked incredulous.
"I'm only beginning to understand how hard it must have been for you… not to… kill me. And I kept on testing your control." I whispered.
He chuckled and then kissed me again, hard. Breaking boundaries we never could before.
"It was worth it," he whispered.
"Thank you. For all this. For not killing me. For being so good about it all."
"Thank you. For not freaking out. About anything. For being you."
"What can I say? I'm a vampire girl now." I grinned, and he kissed me once more.
A/N: Okay. So that's that. Again, please be nice. It is my first venture into Bella as a vampire POV, so please review, and tell me what I can do better. Thanks!