Title: Adrift No More
Author: Michaela aka Michi
E-mail: see personal profile for information
Website: see personal profile for information
Rating: GS – IM15 & AO (password protected version and only available at my website and yahoo group)
Classification: Harm/Mac, Romance
Disclaimer: JAG and its characters are the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount.
Spoilers: Adrift Pt. 2
Summary: At some point in your life, when the power of love is stronger then anything else, you should simply listen to your heart and ignore what your mind tries to tell you…
(How 'Adrift Pt. 2' should have continued if you saw it through the eye of a shipper)
Beta read: Big thanks to cbw and Kathy for giving this story the final touch. Any mistakes left are mine. By the way… Kathy more and more works on becoming my partner in crime so to speak, and even better... to become a writer of her own! This girl truly has a gift. That I promise you.
A/N – okay, my so-called 'insane' idea to revisit every JAG episode there was is not dead yet, even so Carol and I gave up and quit after finishing the complete tenth season and the first six episodes of season 2. However, a part of me just couldn't give up completely and when I had this idea about a continuation of Adrift Pt. 2, I thought I should give it at least a try. I think it no longer will run under the name 'Through The Eye Of A Shipper' but the concept will be the same… what happened after a certain episode. Let's see if I can come up with more ideas in the near future. Until then, I hope you enjoy this one…
Mac was cold, freezing cold.
She was drenched from head to toe. Drops of water were running down her hair, over her sullen face, and down her slender body, settling into a little puddle around her bare feet on the carpet. But still she couldn't move.
She couldn't remember when she got here, or even how she made it there on her own. Her body was shaking uncontrollably from the cold. Her teeth chattered while her wet clothes formed a second skin, clinging so tightly to her body that she could barely breathe. But still she couldn't move.
Her hands were nearly numb from being so cold. Her right one clutching her soaked cover to her body while the water continued to drip freely, making the pool on the carpet even more visible. But still she couldn't move.
The once silent room was now filled with the sound of the rain pounding against the window from the powerful thunderstorm raging outside. But all Mac could do was to lean her forehead against the cold pane and occasionally let her index finger follow the path of a raindrop that slowly made its way down the glass.
The room reflected her mood – pitch dark and icy cold. The windowpane mirrored her broken, tear stained face as the intermittent bolts of lightning illuminated the room enough for her to catch a glimpse of her reflection. Her marine façade was shattered by the weight of her heavy heart. In her head, she knew she needed to change out of her wet clothes, start a fire in the fireplace and make a cup of hot tea to try and warm up… and still she couldn't move.
'Cold…I'm so cold. I don't think I've ever been this cold,' she uttered, swallowing hard while the tears continued to flow. 'And Harm… that night… in the ocean… almost… he could have… Oh God I can't say it, I can't even think it. How… how was he able to survive in that frigid storm tossed sea and why? What was driving him to hold on and not let go? Our so-called 'connection' enabled me to find him out there for a reason and I need, no I have to know what that reason is,' she thought.
She was exhausted, but refused to close her heavy eyelids and let sleep claim her. Every time she tried, her heart would break a little more as the vision of Harm holding Renee in his arms, comforting her would re-play over and over. It felt as if someone was clenching her heart in a vice-like grip and squeezing the life out of it.
'Come to me.'
She wanted to be there. Oh yeah, how she wanted to be there… with him… enveloped in his warm soothing arms safe and secure. To feel the steady rhythm of his heart beneath her fingertips while the sound of its steady beating echoed in her ear as she rested it against his chest. She craved to feel his strength surrounding her, cocooning her, making her forget everything around them.
'Come to me.'
She could still hear the words clearly – as if he was standing there with her, whispering those three little words seductively into her ear while his hot sweet breath caressed her softly. She shivered at the exhilarating thought.
'You know the reason.'
Yes, she did, didn't she?
Did she really know the reason?
Had they both turned to the same page of the same script at the same time?
For the most part, she was sure that they were finally dancing to the beat of the same drum. However, there was still that little shred of insecurity gnawing at her, causing her to doubt what she wanted to be the meaning behind his simple words.
But damn it! She didn't want to doubt his feelings any longer, and damn him for being so cryptic. Why did SHE have to try to make sense of what he was or was not saying?
'Waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting for me to make a complete fool of myself again by throwing myself at him like I did in Sydney? Waiting for me to admit that I needed him and couldn't live without him? Or maybe he was waiting for me so that he could finally tell me how he felt. God, how I wish I had the answers.' Her head was spinning from all the thoughts running through it, and it made her dizzy.
No. She couldn't do it anymore. He was the one person she knew she could always turn to. Right now she needed him, perhaps more than she ever did before. He was her lifeline, her rock. It felt good to be able to admit it, even if it was only to herself. She so desperately needed his strength and support to keep her grounded because her life was spiraling out of control.
Mac felt lost and it seemed as if someone had pulled the carpet out from under her feet.
Granted, the first tug came from Mic. He had made her see what her heart apparently knew all along. As for the rest of the fall, she had herself to blame for the misery she was feeling right now.
And that's what frightened her the most. She had so easily let herself believe in the illusion. She had been in love with the idea of being in love and that scared her. She had completely fooled herself and everyone around her, well almost everyone.
She had been living a lie, a lie that at the time felt real. She now knew that she had totally lost control of her life and this crash was her epiphany. It jolted her back to reality. The fear that she'd lost everything, even her very self was unbearable.
What had she done?
Granted, she had loved Mic, and a part of her still did. Even when Harm asked her just hours ago if she loved Mic, it was easy to say 'yes'.
Yes, she thought she was 'in love' with Mic, and yes she truly thought she could make it work with him, have a good life, and raise children with him. But she had been fooling herself. Harm's crash was a rude awakening and it brought all her true feelings bubbling to the surface. She was compelled to take a good look at herself, and at all her hidden dreams and desires. She was forced to face the fact that her head could never rule what was in her heart.
The truth was that her heart always belonged to and beat for just one man – Harmon Rabb Jr. Now she hoped it wasn't too late and that she really did know what his 'You know the reason' meant, because she so badly wanted the same. She had all she could do not to run to the phone and call him.
"Yes, I do," she whispered what her heart had screamed out hours ago into the silent room. "Yes, I know the reason." The way he spoke them, deep down she knew that those words could only mean one thing.
She let her eyes wander over to the phone on the coffee table, nibbling on her lower lip in insecurity. Again, all she wanted to do right now was to reach out and call him. She needed to hear his voice, but most of all she needed to feel the connection between them.
But she couldn't. No, it wouldn't be fair. Not to Harm and certainly not to Renee. Her father just died and she needed Harm now, maybe even more than Mac herself did. At least that's what she tried to make herself believe. As hard as it was, at this point she had to be rational.
"Your life's such a mess, MacKenzie," Mac murmured to herself while rubbing her throbbing temples. "A plain and simple mess."
She was startled by a loud crack of thunder, causing her to look out the window where she was greeted by total darkness. The power was out.
'Now when did that happen?' she wondered. Had the power been out the whole time? She had no idea. Mac shook her head and chuckled. She was far from being herself, and she definitely wasn't the kick-ass marine that she normally was. Ironically, at the moment she didn't even know what time it was, a sure sign that her world was upside down and out of whack.
A bolt of lightning lit up Mac's apartment and the area around her building. It lasted just a mere second but it was long enough for Mac's eyes to catch a glimpse of something down in the parking lot just a few feet from the building.
Her heart started to pound erratically.
Another flash of lightning confirmed her suspicion that there was someone out there and she was being watched. She could sense his gaze piercing right through her body and directly into her soul.
She took a deep breath as the loud thunder penetrated the night. Her cover slipped out of her hand when she raised it to clasp over her mouth. A shiver ran down her spine and it had absolutely nothing to do with the cold that surrounded her or the fact that she was still standing in her rain soaked uniform.