Goldilocks and the Four Heads of House


A/N:

Folks, this is just a plain silly humour fic. Actually it started out as a spin-off from the third part of the Wisdom and War Trilogy, because there is a tiny little scene where Minerva mentions that Gilderoy Lockhart was interested in Snape.

But then I thought, what if he was not only interested, but actually made his move…and what would the other teachers say or do about that on this lovely Valentine's Day 1992… let's just hear their opinions, shall we?

So here we go, a totally silly, a little out-of-character fic, a little slashy, a little bit of Severus/Minerva, but actually this could be a missing moment from CoS…

You have been warned. Have fun.

Cheers, Frank


First Chapter – Severus Snape

Severus Snape closed the library door behind him and, seeing that he was alone, allowed himself a small sigh of relief. Personally he was certain that this 14 February 1992 was one of the worst days in Hogwarts history, in all thousand years of it.

Just what had the Headmaster been thinking when he had allowed that git Lockhart to arrange his 'little morale-booster' – actually, what had the Headmaster been thinking when he had hired Goldilocks in the first place?

Not for the first time Severus had suggested not hiring a Defence Against the Dart Arts teacher at all, but letting the other teachers just share the job instead. Possibly that would even break the jinx. But no, the Headmaster had insisted that they needed someone for the job, that all his teachers were too valuable to him to lose any one of them, and now they were stuck with Lockhart. Even Trelawney could have taught the students more about proper defensive magic. Sybill's incense was strong enough to scare any dark creature off.

Severus put the books he had been carrying on the nearest table along with his wand. He would return the books to their shelves in a minute, but first he needed a quite moment to sit down. Finally alone, without dwarfs dressed as cupids and blushing school girls all around…

Severus let himself drop into one of the chairs and put his feet up on another. Thank Merlin that day was over now. It was past nine o'clock, the students were supposed to be in bed or at least in their common rooms, and most staff members were so irritated with the day's silliness that they were certain to prefer an evening alone instead of chatting in the staff room. He was free to pick a couple of new books for some light evening reading, and retreat into his beloved, cool, dark dungeons.

Getting up from his chair, Severus noticed that he had trailed some of the ubiquitous confetti into the library. Eew.

Pink, heart-shaped confetti, that perfectly matched the vivid pink flowers Lockhart had decorated the castle with. Pink confetti, that had apparently caught in the folds of his billowing black robes.

No wonder that Peeves had blatantly grinned at him. Severus shuddered with disgust and took his outer robes off. Irma Pince would skin him alive if he dusted the whole library with the paper shreds, and privately Severus even agreed with her. A library was a sacred place.

He headed towards the book shelves in the back in search for a volume that would help to take this blasted romantic holiday of his mind. Maybe Moste Potente Poisons, an all-time favourite. Or Medieval Hexes – A Compendium of the Inquisitorial Jinxes, complete with accurate engravings? Ah, the Middle Ages… in those times, even wizards would have thrown someone like Goldilocks Lockhart on the pyre…

Severus shook his head again. This Lockhart character got more and more annoying with every day. The way he had this morning constantly beamed at the other teachers, especially the Heads of Houses… it was just plain revolting. Minerva had almost choked on her tea when that queer clown had suggested that his 'colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion!'

Severus had done his best not to look at Lockhart. He knew that if he had, he would probably have hexed Lockhart along with the 'friendly, card-carrying cupids' into the Forbidden Forest. The man had had the nerve to suggest Severus ought to teach his students about Love Potions.

And that Ravenclaw sixth-year girl had actually dared to ask about it in class, with all her friends giggling around her. Well, they deserved their detention. Severus had been very pleased to schedule it on the exact day of the next Ravenclaw Quidditch match.

Come to think of it, it probably had been a very good idea not to look at Lockhart this morning. He generally avoided eye contact with the man ever since he had noticed that kind of stare coming from Prince Charming once in a while. Best not to return his looks, save the man would believe he was… interested.

It just was not fair. He had tried pointing out that old Professor Kettleburn might actually not be disinclined to get to know Lockhart more personally, but of course Lockhart was not interested in an ancient teacher with one hand missing. No, Lockhart was sure to go for the youngest member of staff, with that certain ex-Death Eater glamour.

Severus entered the narrow Restricted Section of the library, certain he would there find something to match his mood. Someone opened and closed the door to the library – Minerva, most likely. She and Pomona had at lunch discussed a scientific journal Minerva had borrowed from the library and intended to return in the evening.

"Minerva?" he called, but received no answer.

Maybe she had not heard him. Severus shrugged and continued browsing the bookshelves.

"Thought I'd find you here," a gentle voice purred. A gentle, male voice.

Severus spun around and saw Lockhart standing at the end of the shelf rows, smiling playfully. Oh, great. Now he was trapped between two book shelves, the wall and – Gilderoy Lockhart, wearing a new set of shiny pink robes and smelling of some musky aftershave.

"What are you doing here?" Severus asked, trying to sound as hostile as possible. Not a very hard task.

"I just told you," Lockhart replied. "I was looking for you."

"What for?"

Please, just go away. Go away, I am sure there somewhere there is some first-year waiting for you with a camera in his hand, hoping you will sign the picture with that peacock quill…

"I think you know that," Lockhart purred on.

Or autographs? Maybe some of the school girls would like some more autographs? They are students, and students are never where they ought to be, certainly some are still out of bed, searching the castle for you…

"I don't, and I don't want to know," Severus hissed. "Would you leave me alone, I have some work to get done tonight."

"Tonight? But you should not work tonight, not on such a special day…"

"I cannot see why not. And I fail to understand why that would be any of your business."

Goldilocks came closer. That nickname did fit him so well; Pomona once in a while came up with really witty remarks. Had Lockhart washed his hair again? Those curls looked fresh off the hair rollers.

"Do you like my hair?" Lockhart beamed, following Severus's stare.

He lifted one hand with a deliberately slow movement and brushed his blond waves out of his face; obviously a gesture he had practised in front of the mirror. Severus chose not to answer that remark.

"I like your hair, too – although you could really take better care of it. But this raven-black colour is intriguing, with you black eyes and that pale face. Especially when you are standing in the shadows like that…"

Lockhart had sauntered even closer while speaking; he was now barely three feet away. Much too close for Severus's liking. He retreated one step and felt something hard and cold against his back. Damn, the wall.

"Lockhart, I don't know what you are playing at, but I can assure you I do not care the least bit what you think of my hair. Now, if you'd excuse me –"

He tried to stride past Lockhart, but the other man blocked quickly blocked his way. For a moment, they stood chest to chest, then Severus retreated again. He would rather face Slytherin's monster than come too close to that man.

"I won't let you get away that easily," Lockhart whispered.

Merlin, had he just winked at him? This was it. Severus reached into his pocket for his wand –

– which was, of course, on the table along with his other belongings. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Severus was quite good at wandless magic, but this distance was too far. No however frantic 'accio wand' would do the trick here.

"Get out of my way, Lockhart. Now."

Severus knew his voice sounded threatening. Any sane being would get out of his way. He was a former Death Eater, after all, and might just forget about that former any second now.

"Call me Gilderoy."

"What?! For the last time, get out of my –"

"Gilderoy. It has such a glamorous ring to it. Of course, I like my family name, too, but Gilderoy… I wish you would speak my name in that wonderful voice of yours."

"I will do no such thing."

"But I want you to… Severus."

Now Goldilocks actually lifted his right hand, ever so slowly, with another stage-perfectly studied movement, and touched Severus's face. His fingers slowly traced Severus's jaw line.

Severus's hand shot up and caught Lockhart's wrist. His grip was so strong that he knew it to be painful, and he forced the other man's hand away. Alright, time for brutal honesty.

"Lockhart, I am only going to say this once. I am not interested in you. You are annoying and pathetic, and if you touch me one more time you will suffer my displeasure for sure."

"Such passion…" Lockhart replied, for some reason still looking happy. "I knew you would not be easy to get, Severus, but the signals you sent me were all too obvious."

"I did not send you any signals. You only see what you want to see."

"Ah, I don't believe that. There was so much passion when you duelled me, that spell was so much more intense than needed. There were literally sparks in the air. And the way you kept avoiding my eye, especially this morning… so obvious, Severus."

"Lockhart, I am not interested in men."

"Then how would you have knows about old man Kettleburn's preferences? He is very quiet about it, I would never have known."

"Every staff member knows that, as well as half the students."

Lockhart looked at Severus quietly, and for a moment Severus thought he could finally get away without having to resort to brutal force. But then Lockhart smiled again, this revolting, mirror-perfected, postcard picture patented smile that fooled so many of the school girls… Merlin, if they only knew.

"For a moment, you had almost convinced me. Almost, Severus. But then, how could I ever be wrong?"

"You are disgusting."

"Let me show you what 'Magical Me' is all about…" Lockhart whispered hoarsely.

Then, with a surprisingly quick movement, he pushed Severus back, pinning him against the wall with his whole body. Severus gasped for air, the hard contact with the wall had knocked the air out of his lungs. Lockhart pushed his hips forward for one second and moaned – it was not hard to guess why.

Severus struggled to place his hands on the other wizard's shoulders, wanting to push Lockhart away – preferably into the next bookshelf, which would then hopefully collapse over the man and kill him off. But Lockhart moved again. He raised his face up to Severus's, opening his mouth slightly and licking his lips meaningfully. His mouth came closer…