Elizabeth Weir's life had always been about control. Control of her brothers, control of her hormones, control of her studies. The negotiations, the situation and the city. Control over her feelings.
When she was seven she put herself in charge of her little brothers. Michael and Steven were six and four and it was up to her to make sure they didn't get into trouble. She was very good at her job even of she did say so herself. When they were making 'Get Well Soon' cards in class for her friends, who had broken legs from falling out of tress, or jumping off roofs with homemade parachutes, Elizabeth's little brothers had never been to the ER. Okay, once, but she could hardly be held responsible for acute appendicitis.
When she was 14 she fell in love. She was sure she was in love, her first love, Cody Portman, 16, blonde and a member of the basketball team. He really liked her, thought she was beautiful, told her so, told her he loved her.
Pushed her over in the gravel of his drive when she wouldn't have sex with him.
Sometimes, when she was lost in thought, and just smoothing her had over her arms and elbows, she was sure she could feel a scar there. She'd grazed her right elbow, gotten some gravel in it that night. Cried for day and days but she didn't have any regrets about waiting until she was 19.
She buckled down at school. Worked long hours on her studies, to do her best and get the highest SATs she could. Not to make her father proud, not to make sure she got into a college or a top college but so she could get a place in every college in America. So she had complete control of where she went. Complete control of her future.
That had been her childhood though and adulthood was very different and taught harsher lessons. Her bothers did what they liked once they turned into teenagers, men hurt her, used her. Negotiations broke down and she had to be evacuated from cities under armed guard. Situations got out of control and she found herself loosing good men to bad, and herself tied to chairs, her own life threatened. She couldn't control every part of the city and it broke down, people died, her friends died.
The worst of it, the last straw so it seemed, was that she couldn't control her feelings. Couldn't deny her feelings. She was horribly in love and there was nothing she could do about it. She had never fought her attraction to John Sheepard, he was cute and flirting with him was easy and relieved a lot of stress that came with her job but she had come to realise that it was just that, attraction, a crush that would eventually pass.
She had fought her feelings for Rodney McKay from the moment he had hit the floor wearing the Ancient personal shield, and that sick feeling that had made her think the world was coming to an end.
Her brothers, her career, negotiations and situations, everything had slowly come undone in one way or another and she had tried to hold onto the relationship she had with Rodney. The friendship, the status quo, but so many times she had wanted to reach out to him. So many times she wished he flirted with her like John did, so she could lay her hand on his arm, or feel his hand on the small of her back. So many times she had almost cracked, almost leant over, reached out, closed her eyes and whispered his name.
It was too much, her whole life unfolding because the men in her life couldn't behave. Her life unfolding because she couldn't control herself.
It had gotten worse since Carson had died. She'd never lost anyone that close to her before and it terrified her because it had been out of her control and while it had had profound effect on her, there had been a subtle change in Rodney too and it had only made her love him even more.
Eventually, one day soon, she was going to lean over, reach out, close her eyes, whisper his name and kiss him.
Eventually, one day soon, she was going to completely lose control.