It's been a while, but here we are! A new Calvin at Camp story. This one is a little longer than the normal episodes, so it will be put up in several chapters.
The Eds were anxiously pacing one morning at camp. "When are they gonna get here?" whined Eddy.
"Oh, give them time," said Double D. "Their camp doesn't start the same time as ours."
Ed flailed his arms wildly. "I am anticipating the moment, guys!"
Calvin and Hobbes sat at a table nearby, playing cards. Calvin glared at the Eds and threw his cards down. "Disgusting, Hobbes. Ever since those cheerleaders started training in the gym next to us, that's all the Eds have been watching! It's been days since they last mentioned scams!"
Hobbes narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Isn't that a good thing?"
"I actually miss it," confessed Calvin. "That, and we can't allow these creatures to share a building with us! I'm calling an emergency GROSS meeting so we can figure out what to do about this dilemma!"
Calvin and Hobbes set off through the hall to head out to their treehouse when they bumped into Jason and Marcus. "Hey, guys," waved Calvin, "we're having a GROSS meeting! Wanna come?"
"Can't," said Jason quickly. "Now that the Eds are currently not scamming, no one will be distracted by their crude inventions, so our business will soar!"
"And what's the plan this time?" asked Hobbes.
"We're not sure yet, but we figured we could always use some wood." Jason and Marcus began to walk away, dragging a wagonfull of boards.
"Where'd you get all of those?" asked Calvin.
"The treehouse," called Marcus.
Calvin's eyes bugged out as he watched the two boys leave with his old meeting place. "OUR treehouse?! Where the heck do we hold meetings now?"
"So this is what it's like to be an Ed," mused Hobbes. He and Calvin found themselves sitting in the broken-down bathroom the Eds usually used for planning scams. Of course, they were too busy looking at girls at the time.
"We have to get rid of those cheerleaders!" growled Calvin. "If the Eds aren't scamming, Jason and Marcus are, and that means we lose our treehouse and get stuck here!" He paused and then added, "That, and everyone knows cheerleaders are the slimiest of all girls."
"So what do we do?" Hobbes asked impatiently. "Stop the cheerleaders ourselves?"
"I'm not even going to try tackling them!" cried Calvin. "One girl is fine, two is easy, three are just more targets to hit, but in that gym, it's a mob scene! I might be able to pick a few off, but in the long-run..." He sighed. Calvin hadn't realized it until now, but he really had no way of getting rid of these cheerleaders!
Hobbes was quiet for a moment, and then said in a low voice, "Well...there's always the Kankers..."
Calvin's eyes widened. "Use girls against girls? Fire with fire? Slime with slime? Hobbes, that's perfect! Those sisters won't be able to stand it when they see the Eds looking at someone else! Besides, if they just attack the Eds, it'll be a lot simpler!"
"Oh, good," Hobbes wondered if this would actually work. "Where does one find the Kankers?"
"Well," said Calvin, leaving the bathroom, "it's more of the Kankers finding you." He looked up to see the Kanker sisters towering over him.
"Did we hear our names mentioned?" asked Lee in a menacing tone.
Calvin forced a smile. "Just the..." he shuddered on his next word, "...girls...I was looking for. Seen the Eds lately?"
"Nah," said Marie, "we've been beating on nerds, mostly."
"I say we get him next!" May started at Calvin, before Lee shoved her away.
"Can it, May. He's talking about our boyfriends! They gettin' us flowers or what?"
Calvin grinned and put his plan in motion. "Sorry, ladies, but it's a sad day. The Eds have their eyes on different girls."
"WHAT?" May burst into tears. "Big Ed doesn't love me anymore?"
Marie grabbed Calvin and shoved him against the wall. "Show us now!"
"Unless you're trying to trick us into letting you off free..." Lee cracked her knuckles.
"No tricks! No tricks!" Calvin squeaked frantically. All three Kankers were holding him now, and if the plan didn't work, he would be doomed. "The Eds are looking at the cheerleaders right now!" he finally blurted.
"CHEERLEADERS?!" The Kankers dropped Calvin.
"That tears it!" said Lee. "There's nothing us Kankers hate more than cheerleaders! Lead the way!" She gave Calvin a shove.
Calvin started walking quickly, when Marie suddenly grabbed him again and warned, "But if you ARE lying, there's gonna be trouble!"
"Trust me, girls," Calvin said, attempting to keep his smile.
High above camp, someone was piloting a blimp through the fog towards the rec center. "I love it when it's cloudy, I love it when it's gray! No one can see my blimp in the sky. It's about time I returned here. To think, those kids assumed they could merely run me out. ME! All I did was almost turn them all against each other...pure innocent fun. Truly, there's nothing like a cloudy day..."
The cheerleaders had arrived. The gym they were practicing in had several entrances, including one from the main room. The Eds gazed through the door, memorized by the girls.
Calvin led the Kankers into the main room and proudly showed them the Eds.
"They ARE looking at cheerleaders!" exclaimed Lee.
May was in tears again. "Those tramps! I thought Ed loved me..."
Calvin began to back out the door, assuming his job was done. "Yeah, yeah, heartbreaker. Now go get 'em!"
"I bet our boyfriends won't think they look so cute once they're covered in blood and full of broken limbs!" shrieked Marie, ready to tear up the cheerleaders.
Calvin gulped. He didn't want them to KILL the cheerleaders, they were just supposed to get the Eds away from them! "Uh, I meant you should get the Eds..."
Hobbes nudged him. "This will either backfire completely or work miraculously."
Trampling Calvin on their way out, the Kankers ran down the hall to a different entrance to the gym and ran in, screaming battle cries. Calvin and Hobbes ran after them, afraid of what kind of horrible things would have happened to the poor cheerleaders.
To their surprise, Calvin and Hobbes found the Kankers sitting outside the gym, tied up with pom-poms stuck in their mouths.
"Tough cheerleaders," remarked Hobbes.
The girls angrily struggled out of their bonds. "Now, if you hear me out," said Calvin, "I think that if you just got the Eds and..."
Not wanting to hear what he had to say, the Kankers simply gave Calvin a hard kick into the gym and went on their way.
Unlike the Kankers, however, Calvin's sudden arrival didn't stir the cheerleaders or get him tied up. Instead, they continued their routine, not even noticing Calvin, bouncing him around through their flailing arms. "AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Help me, Hobbes! I don't wanna touch them!"
At the end of the hallway, there was an unusually dark corner where Lucy resided with her psychiatric booth. She looked up to see three of her frequent clients, the Kankers, running over. They were dressed in unflattering attempts at cheerleading uniforms.
"Hey, Lucy," called Lee, "we gotta run something by ya!"
May posed. "How do we look?"
"If you ain't honest, we'll punch ya!" threatened Marie.
"And we'll punch ya if we don't like the answer, too!" added Lee.
Lucy tried to calm them down, managing to keep her cool. "Girls, girls. Is this all about the Eds?"
"Yeah!" sobbed May. "They're checking out other women!"
"Cheerleaders," grumbled Lee.
"Don't sink to the level of those beauties," soothed Lucy. "I know you have so much more of that, deep within your...your..."
"Guts?" guessed May.
"Yes, guts indeed! What you need to do is to make the Eds realize how much you mean to them."
Lee scratched her head. "We force 'em to like us?"
"Almost," Lucy said patiently. "You go after other men to make them jealous."
"Other men?" Marie was skeptical. "Like who?"
Lucy smiled and pulled out a list. "Luckily, I have a list of all the kids here...let's see...Rolf?"
"Smells like goat," said May.
"Might fight back," said Lee.
"That's a guy?" gasped May.
"Kid's a freakshow," shuddered Marie.
"He's worse!" cried May.
"There's probably laws against that," said Lee.
May had an idea. "Hey, why not Schroder?"
"BACK OFF, HE'S MINE!" yelled Lucy. "How about my brother?"
"The kid pats birds on the head," reminded Marie.
"I KNOW!" Lucy banged her head against her booth. Why were people still bringing that up. Suddenly, an idea struck her. She looked up with a sly grin on her face. "Charlie Brown?" she suggested.
Lee liked this. "Hey, not bad. He's so wishy-washy, not awful to look at, not a nutcase...that works."
"What about us?" whined May.
"Yeah," reasoned Marie, "we can't all chase after one guy!"
"That ain't practical," explained Lee.
Lucy agreed. "Of course, of course. Why not try...Jason and Marcus?"
"Couldn't hurt!" shrugged Marie.
"Yeah!" nodded May.
Lee threw off her uniform. "Now that we've got that out of the way, let's ditch these costumes and start the chase!" She and her sisters ran off to plan.
"Hey, wait a second!" called Lucy. "I think I deserve some pay for that! Come back!"
The Kankers didn't listen. They were too busy getting supplies ready that they had hidden in the girls' locker room.
(To the tune of "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" from The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Kankers: La, la, la, la, la, etc.
Go after other guys, make the Eds real mad
They'll forget the cheerleaders
We'll ease up a tad
Marie: First, we're going to chase them 'round
To a dark hall that can't found
When we have them cornered
We'll kiss them so hard, they'll hit the ground
Lee: That's not bad, but I say nope
I say we grab a lotta rope
With lots of knots and blisters and
They'll be so tight that they'll lose hope!
Kankers: Go after other guys
Teach lessons to Eds
If they still don't like us then
Smack them in the head
May: Once we get them jealous then
Our boyfriends will love us again
Lee: Eddy, Double D and Big Ed
Marie: If they say no, they're dead!
Lee: I say that we take a football
Specially for Charlie Brown
Pull it away, send it flying
Then we'll pounce when he is down
Marie: Don't forget there's Jason
And there's Marcus, too, a pair of geeks
We could capture them next
And force them to wear perfume that reeks
Kankers: Go after other guys
Quiet as a mime
And when we're tormenting them
It seems like old times
Because the Eds were insensitive, leaving us in despair
Staring at those dumb cheerleaders? They cannot compare
May: And they'll have so much jealousy
That Ed will soon come back to me
Marie and Lee: And after that, we'll have a date
Though we might have to wait
We're pretty annoyed when
Our men look the other way
But once we get this rolling
They could come back today!
Marie: Those cheerleaders are really dead
Lee: They're really nasty
May: I want Ed!
Marie: Shut up!
May: Make me!
Marie: I've got something, listen now
Since Jason and Marcus invent
A lot of pranks and stuff like that
We'll use them for our intent
And make things that squash those girls flat
Or things to trap the Eds for me
Kankers: And then we'll have them
One, two, three
Go after other guys, give 'em all we've got
When the Eds get really mad, lessons have been taught
Go after other guys, smack 'em round a bit
Even though they're not the Eds, we just might like it
Go after other guys, and they'll spread the news
When a Kanker's after you, you will always lose!
What the Eds are doing to the cheerleaders is actually what I did when I went to the camp this is based on. Can you blame me? Virtually all the guys would peer in on the cheerleaders, and occasionally get a wave! Ah, memories.
Also, a note on the cheerleaders. If this was a TV episode or something, we wouldn't "see" them. Instead they'd be portrayed in shadow or the action with them would all be featured offscreen and we would only see the main characters' reactions. There was an episode with football players in "Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy," think about that one.