Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author's Note: When I say that this is part parody, I want it to be known that this is much better written and more thought out than "Flogging a Dead Dog." I put up that story because it assumed me to no end. This is a more serious endeavor.
Correction: "Flogging a Dead Dog" amused me to no end. Wow, it took me way too long to notice that. (I don't even know what "assumed me" means.)
Life as I Knew It
Chapter 1—Meeting Hermione Granger.
The second Pansy Parkinson crossed the barrier onto Platform 9 and ¾, she instinctively felt that something was wrong. This was confirmed when she saw Hermione Granger. Hermione's hair had been straightened and she was wearing a short skirt and a tight shirt that showed too much midriff. Actually, from Pansy's point of view, any of Hermione's midriff was too much. So, Hermione had lost her mind; Pansy could accept that. Then her attention turned to Draco. She was shocked to see that he was coming back to school after what happened the year before. She was even more shocked to see him hanging all over a girl she had never seen before.
She was so wrapped up in the awkward display of affection in front of her that she didn't even see the new and definitely not improved Hermione walk up to her.
"Oh, my god. Like, I've never seen you around before. Are you, like, a new student?"
Pansy stopped herself from saying, "Get the hell away from me, Granger." She thought about what Hermione had just said. She just shook her head and gestured toward Draco's whore. "Who's that?"
"Oh my god, that's Draco Malfoy. He is, like, so hot."
Pansy decided to ignore all the things that were wrong with that statement. "No," she said slowly. "Not him, the green haired monstrosity standing with him."
"Oh my god, that's Moonshyne Kari-Ann Riddle. She's, like, Voldemort's daughter. And that makes her, like, the heir of Slytherin, or something. And that's, like, why her hair is, like, green and silver."
"You-Know-Who had a daughter? With whom?"
"Oh my god, I'm not—"
"Please, please stop starting all your sentences with 'Oh my god.' It's really annoying."
Hermione looked taken aback. "Oh my god, that's really mean. Anyway, I don't exactly know who Moonshyne's mother is. All I know is she's Voldemort's daughter and Sirius Black's daughter and Dumbledore's granddaughter and Snape's cousin."
"How is that possible?"
"Oh, you know pure-blood's. Lots of inbreeding."
Pansy was starting to think this was all a joke, a very elaborate joke that spawned cooperation between Draco and Hermione. First of all, the Dark Lord could not possibly have a daughter. Second of all, though Pansy had spent years avoiding a conversation with Hermione, she had heard her speak in classes, and this person did not sound like Hermione. Considering all that, Pansy was not sure what motivated her to continue talking with Hermione. "What possessed Draco to return to school after what he did?"
Hermione leaned in closer. "Oh my god, what did he do?"
"He let Death Eaters loose in the school. You were there, Hermione."
"Oh, right." She gave a knowing nod. "What are Death Eaters?"
"Shut up, Hermione." Pansy turned toward the speaker. It took her quite a while to realize that the black clothed, body pierced girl with red hair streaked with black was Ginny Weasley. Ginny nodded toward Pansy but her eyes were focused on Draco and Moonshyne. "I'm Ginny. I'm a pure-blood."
"Pansy Parkinson. Likewise." She had a hard time not laughing. Ginny was wearing tight black jeans and a black halter-top. Her eyes were rimmed with a thick layer of black eyeliner and she had a pierced nose and eyebrow, not to mention several piercings on each ear. In truth, she looked ridiculous.
"I can't stand that bitch."
Pansy hoped she was talking about Moonshyne. If that was the case, she just might have misjudged the Weaselette. "I assume you're talking about the green-haired freak cuddling up to Draco."
"The one and only. She think she's so great because she defeated Voldemort."
Pansy's eyes grew wide. "She… How could she… What about Harry Potter?"
Hermione giggled. "Yeah, he did not handle it well when he was no longer the savior of the world. They broke up over it, actually."
Venom dripped from Ginny's voice. "Look at her, over there warping Draco into some sappy, poetry reciting queer."
Hermione continued to giggle. "I think he's sweet."
Pansy made a sound of disgust. "Don't tell me you have a thing for him, too, Ginny. What, do you have a Romeo and Juliet fetish?"
It wasn't until she turned all her hatred toward Pansy that Pansy realized this Ginny Weasley was a lot scarier than the one she had known before, and the old Ginny was no picnic.
"Draco and I are soulmates. Back when he was a proper Death Eater, before that thing got her hooks in him."
Pansy's eyes grew wide. "Are you a Death Eater?"
"I was, back when that meant something. Back when we could kill Mudbloods. No offense, Hermione."
Hermione smiled serenely. "None taken."
"Everyone in my family was a Death Eater."
"Are you trying to say that Arthur Weasley, the man who penned every piece of Muggle protection legislation for the last twenty years, was a Death Eater?"
"Yes, shocking, isn't it?"
Pansy started to laugh. "It's not possible. I've never even met your father and I know it's not possible."
Ginny shrugged and fiddled with her eyebrow ring. "So, Pansy, who are you?"
Pansy looked around, surveying the scene in front of her. "I don't exactly know."