Haha! I got you, didn't I? You thought this was some crazy troll fanfiction called xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx by my IRL best friend, xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx? Wrong, wrong, wrong. This, my friends, is a story of survival of one of the worst fics on earth, which is nearly darn right impossible! Every time a crappy fiction is written, you think Jack, Will, Elizabeth and friends are just going to go along with it?
Chapter 1: Somewhere New
When Jack Sparrow opened his eyes, he knew that something strange must be happening. He could feel it – it just didn't seem to... work. There was something wrong. He sat up, looking around his familiar cabin on board the Black Pearl – except, it wasn't familiar. Bits of it were... missing. And then, suddenly, everything around him morphed into a dark cell, then a jungle, then Tia's shack, and then the top of the Eiffel Tower, and then into a room in an inn, all in quick succession.
"Wha'?" He asked, sitting up, and looking around.
"Scene change!" Came a jolly voice from behind him. He turned, and then cocked his head as he saw that what he was looking at was a big, fat, jolly-looking man juggling on a unicycle. He didn't know what a unicycle was, so it was even stranger to him.
"Erm, 'ello there." Jack said. "'o're you?" It may be a little hard to decipher what he's saying. But isn't it always? Mind you, his slurring seemed to be... somewhat worse, today.
"I am Mr Comic Relief." He said. He suddenly had an inane fit of chuckling. "I appear in fan fiction to lighten up the mood if it gets too serious or sad."
This made no sense to Jack.
"Sounds like Pintell and Ragetti." He said.
"Oh, I am Pintell and Ragetti. I'm also Donald Duck, Donkey, Jar Jar Binks, Captain Haddock, Billy, Cosmo, Scuttle, Mike Wizouski, Scrat, Ron Weasley..." Mr Comic Relief went off on a load of what sounded like complete gibberish to Jack. "I'm in almost every fan fiction you know."
"...Right-oh, mate." Jack said. "But where exactly am I?"
"xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx by XxWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSxX." Mr Comic Relief said, immediately. "Gee, I don't believe that you've never been in a fanfiction before."
"What? What are you talking about?" Jack asked, shaking his head. Then he frowned. "And why does everything keep on moving like that?" He gestured around him, at the way everything was changing, from the Flying Dutchman to Tortuga to Norrington's office to some rocky outcrop on a mountain to...
"That's the Suethor constantly changing scenes as she tries to come up with a plot." Mr Comic said, as if it were obvious. Jack just looked blank. "At least she's not attempting description, heaven knows what that's like..."
"What's a Suethor?" Captain Jack asked, glancing around uneasily, as if expecting some giant monster to pop out of nowhere. He already didn't like the sound of this Suethor thing.
"An author of Mary Sues – a Suethor." Mr Comic Relief said. He shook his head. "I reckon the rabbit's paid a visit to you."
"Eh?" Jack was having a lot of trouble comprehending what this man was saying. "Who's Mary Sue?"
"Mary Sue... ooh, you've never met her? She's everywhere. She's evil. And she is unavoidable – she is the most scary type you'll meet around here." He paused. "Apart from maybe Emo Sues. They can be quite scary too. Or Power Ranger Sues."
"...How do I tell who this Mary Sue person is?" Jack asked.
"She has a pretty, and usually quite long name. Her hair is shining, long, and striking. Her eyes are deep, open, and beautiful. She has amazing powers to do everything perfectly. Her skin is flawless. She can sing beautifully, and is also very intelligent. She possesses objects handed down through her family for generations that come in handy at random times. She has amazing fighting skills. She's perfect in every way..." Mr Comic seemed uneasy, and glanced around.
"That sounds a bit like Elizabeth." Jack said, though he wondered why he'd said it a few seconds afterwards. He didn't generally think before talking...
"But that's a Canon Sue. Canon Sues are fine." Mr Comic coughed. "Well, not really. Canon Sues tend to be ripped apart by Suethors. They are most hated. But usually, if someone says something about a Canon Sue, they will be flamed to the darkest depths of hell."
"Flamed?" Jack felt like he was doing little else then asking questions. "Alright, so how do I get back? Or p'rhaps this is a hallucination. Though there's less giant butterflies then usual. An' less singing people in green... ya know?"
Mr Comic Relief obviously didn't know.
"Flames are a good thing in places like xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx, though." He said, adjusting his bow tie. "They slow down the Suethor, shoot down some of the armies of Mary Sue, give a chance for Canons like you to escape."
"I'm not, techn'cally, a cannon..." Jack started, when suddenly the ground seemed to shake a little.
"Scene change!" Mr Comic Relief said. "You'd better be careful, Jack Sparrow, there's danger ahead! This Suethor's a vicious one, oh yes she is..."
"Captain Jack..." He said out of habit. He noticed some white sparks drifting around him, before they faded a little.
"Ahh... What you said there was truly Canon." Mr Comic Relief nodded.
"I... I di'n't say cannon..." Then, suddenly, everything changed. It was all white. And then – out of nowhere – words. Words like nothing else! Streaming in front of his eyes! His head felt like it was about to explode as he became surrounded in them, giving him a headache and blotting out everything...
...teh balck perl shudrerd in the terible strom bein tossd all aruond in teh mitey c rain litenign adn tundre caem poring dwn from teh skis in monsuns teh wud of te perl shudered wif the strenth off th esea wtaer pored al over adn mnay crew members wer bein washde ovabord and teh waevs grew even biger tehn befoer lapin over the sied off teh sihp in hueg gr8 big splahses...
Suddenly the words in front of him began to burn ferociously, and he saw blazing fire searing across them until they withered into the ground. He looked around, he was on board the Black Pearl, and it was the middle of a terrible storm! He wondered what on earth had just happened, when he came face to face with Will...
"Will boy! Am I glad t'see you... I d'no if I'm dreaming but..." Before he could continue, Will pushed him into a cabin and closed the door, breathing heavily.
"That description nearly finished me off." He panted. "Thank god that flame came on time, or I would have been done for. It wont be long now before the Drowning Sues start showing up." He looked at Jack. "So she's written you in here too, eh?"
"What? Listen a minute... I 'ave no idea what's happening 'ere... it's very very odd..." He blinked. He felt a tingling sensation. He wasn't sure what was happening, as usual ever since he'd arrived in this god-forsaken place.
"Oh god... another scene change!" Will sighed.
NB: Hellooo there. This story was created by me. Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, yada, yada. But I do own my story... Anyway. If there really is someone called xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx then this was not made to insult you, though you should probably change your name, because that is a rather trolly one. And if you have written a story called xXoCeaNLoVeRoMaNCeXx then this wasn't... hey wait. This probably was made to insult you.
I don't really mean any harm though, guys! Just a little parody type thing for you all to enjoy. If you flame... well, whatever floats your boats. Ooh, pirates, boats, get it...? Oh, I am a card. Squeeks out.