Title: The Confession
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Will, Elizabeth gets a mention, a priest
Warning: wee bit slashy, mostly just absurdity from my fun playing around with this fic.
Summary: A certain pirate has the seven deadly sins to confess...well, most of them.
A/N: I am not Catholic, so I'm sure I've royally fudged the confession process, but this fic is meant to be humorous. XD It took a different turn at the end than I had planned, but it worked well.


It was a curious thing to see a man with such an appearance as he had to strut into the chapel and walk straight to the confessional box. Many would expect it to be his first time, but he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. The few worshippers present gazed at him with intent, confusion, and suspicion. He ignored it all for the most part, though permitted a smug smile to form by his lips to be seen by those he passed.

Once inside the confines of the secretive space, he seated himself, placed his hands one over the other in his lap, and waited patiently. There was a brief moment of movement beyond the partition before a man cleared his throat. The rogue took it as his sign to begin.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he spoke quietly in his smooth, slurred voice.

"When was your last confession?"

"Twenty-three years ago." He held back his laughter at the period of silence that settled in.

"What prevented you, my son?" the clergyman at length asked.

The confessor smirked at being addressed as "son." He found it amusing due to the fact he was evidently several years older than the recently made priest. "Not many opportunities to do so while pillagin' and plunderin' off on the ocean, mate."

"I see. Is that why you've chosen to come today? Be relieved of the sins of piracy?"

"No. I have no regrets about being a pirate. A buccaneer is what I am, and it's the life for me. I came because I have committed the seven deadly sins all within about a week or two. That has to be the most motivating thing to get a man to come and repent each, is it not?"

"Th…..Each one? Every one?"

"Aye. Except gluttony. As you can see," he added as he motioned to his slim body. "Not much food at sea. You'll never meet a gluttonous pirate……Maybe on land because the wretch hasn't eaten a decent meal in awhile-"

"I understand. Well, um….Do elaborate, my son. Tell me of each."

"It all begins with pride. I happen to be proud of the fact that no one has ever refused my company. Persuasion and rum are powerful weapons, but not so valuable as meself. I tend to…..brag about this fine quality of mine. Perhaps too much so. This leads to the sin of lust. There's a man – a young lad really, can't be more than twenty-five – who has sailed with me for the past month and who has sailed with me a few times before. Now, I've always found him to be attractive; however, the attraction had become incredibly…….overwhelming, savvy?"

The priest swallowed audibly. "You do-" He cleared his throat and tried again. "You do know that homosexuality is a sin in itself, yes?"

"Trifles. Even if it was, that's not the one I'm confessin' today, is it?"

"Alright. Continue."

"So, I started to use my charms a bit more heavily when around him, but he never took the bait. This troubled me, Father. How could it be that someone such as myself would be refused? It made no sense at all. I kept at it, though. He seemed to be figurin' out the reason why I was so friendly all of a sudden. There was simply a need, an indescribable hunger I would get every single time I saw him. It was as if I'd become even more insane if I didn't fu- excuse me, sleep with him as quickly as possible."

There was a pause, and the clergyman glanced at the occupant, waiting for him to continue. The pirate's rich, amber eyes shifted to gaze at him, glittering with a humorous and provocative glint to them. The young man quickly looked away, causing a grin to emerge on the rogue's countenance.

"One day I finally took him into me quarters," the captain continued, "and I told him of my intent." He chuckled at this before going on. "You should've seen his face, Father. Complete and utter shock; mostly from my choice of words, I'm sure. He's one who's usually able to find something to say, but he was speechless. Let's just say he finally gave into me, and I've never had a night quite as pleasurable as the one I had rollin' in the bed with him."

The church leader opened his mouth to speak, but found himself silenced.

"So there's lust. The next sin that followed was greed. I became such a greedy, son of a bitch."

"My son," the priest scolded.

"My apologies. I wanted more, much more. I wanted to take him every single minute of the day. It really was sickening to experience such greed, yet I could not help it. I approached him the next night, and he gave me the usual speech of how it was a 'one time thing' and would not, and should not, happen again. He stood firm about it; I haven't gotten him beneath me, or me beneath him, since, which leads to the next sin: wrath.

"Nobody could come near me for a few days. I'd bite their head off if they did. I ended up spendin' most of my time in my cabin, throwing bottles and anything else I could lay my hands on at the walls to watch them shatter. I wanted to kill him. Horrible thing to say, I know, but I did. You see, no one has ever refused me for a second time or more than that. There were some harsh thoughts that crossed me mind during that time. But I finally cooled off. The anger was gone, and in its wake it left slothfulness. There was a period where I did hardly anything. Well, that's not entirely true. About the only thing I did do was lay alone in the room and concoct visions of him and myself fu- excuse me again-"

"I understand."

"I used those images to arouse and pleasure myself for the majority of my time. But that soon lost its luster, so I began moving about the deck once more. We made port the next day and the final sin, envy, erupted like a volcano inside me when I saw him run to his beloved bonnie-lass and kiss her as passionately as anything I've ever seen. I wanted very much to be in her place receivin' such a fine reward. He blew me off! Brushed me away like unwanted hair.

"After all that, I did what any rotten, pathetic, sulking human would do: make my way to confess the things that were hindering my normal behavior."

An incredibly long silence befell the two. The priest had never heard a confession quite like the one he had just received, making him unsure how to respond. He disliked the feeling of intrigue that stemmed from the pirate's words. It was all appalling, yet oddly fascinating to him.

He took a deep breath and stated, "You must put a stop to the wicked thoughts and impure deeds; only then can you be free to enter into Heaven. I take your sins so that you may be forgiven by the good Lord. He bestows forgiveness on His children that repent. I would suggest a change to your sinful ways and choose a more righteous path. In holy God's name, Amen."

"Amen."

The pirate exited the confessional and strolled down the aisle between the pews to the chapel doors. A broad grin formed when he opened the entrance and spotted the not-so-innocent blacksmith to the right, leaning against the building.

Will Turner shook his head and gave a short laugh as Jack Sparrow came toward him. He could not believe the scoundrel had stepped inside the sacred church without hesitation and apparently went through with what he had set out to do.

"Not so bad," Jack said as he put his arm around the lad's waist. "You should give it a try, love. It's rather entertainin'."

"I can't bel…..You…."

"You really didn't think I'd do it? I couldn't resist such a dare."

"I suppose you truly are fearless then."

Jack pushed Will against the brick wall and kissed him fervently. Will laughed into the pirate's mouth at the ridiculousness they were surrounded by: committing sins right outside a church just after one of them had confessed.

He pulled away slightly and breathed, "What did you tell him?"

"I told him the truth; I couldn't lie in the confession box. That would be a sin, dear William."

"But you are a liar."

"Yes, but what is spoken in the box stays with me and the priest only. You shall never know. I'm sorry."

Will shook his head and sighed in amusement. They started to make their way toward the docks, joking along the way about the absurd things they had challenged each other with for twisted enjoyment over the past month.

As they did, Jack's mind began to churn ideas for his next dare of Will.