Autobots 101

Authors Note: as some of you know I am also the author of the aftermath which is currently on hold. Just to clear some things up before the story, I am not a Mary Sue who inserts herself to be the object of a transformer. I am a guy (of the male species) and have no interest other than making people laugh, cry, and enjoy a slightly warped image of the Transformers. Don't get me wrong, I love reviews and if you think I am doing something wrong or would like to criticize me I have no problem accepting that. I am simply stating that I am not a girl (yes sadly that was a belief I received in an e-mail) interested in self inserting myself as Optimus, Ratchet, IronHide, Bumble Bee or any other transformers Girl Friend. (Though as they tend to be stud muffins they might aquire such femal companionship although they bear no resemblance to me in real life)

The Autobots lined up in the Medical Bay as Optimus and Ratchet made their inspection. Optimus wasn't too particularly picky on the condition of his men as their current bodies were not to be presented to the UNO (university of North Oklahoma [fictitious ) staff. "well I can see that now we are only waiting for Sam to arrive so at ease men". Optimus quickly noticed Iron Hide's optics displaying the log in screen for World Of Warcraft. "and no WoW Iron Hide as you cannot log off at any given time"

Iron Hide groaned and shut down the program. Ratchet copied this action simply glad that Optimus had not noticed him. After about ten minutes a panting Sam ran in through the rather large sliding doors.

"you are late" said Optimus in his displeased tone which to be truthful didn't carry much bark.

"I know, I'm sorry"

Optimus deciding to use one of the new psychology techniques he had learned about for today carefully worded his next statement "Well I suppose we will simply have to expedite the rest of the process then in order to make it to college in time. Ratchet begin the briefing on project 013562"

Sam muttered "yes mom" under his breath and although Optimus' sensors picked it up he decided that it would probably be best to simply ignore the childish comment. It was a sign of an immature mind yet another subject he had reviewed in his 3 seconds of studying. He began to feel almost giddy about going to school though he disguised his excitement.

"Project 013562 is a rather simple project containing dual quantam reactors…. Thus allowing a subsequent fusion…. Duplicating that of a homo sapien. Any questions?"

Sam did not pick up a word of what Ratchet had just said but he was used to it and used his most advanced mechanism, the smile and nod.

"So who is first?" asked Ratchet

"ME!" yelled Optimus. After realizing he had not quite contained that outburst as much as he wanted to he began to explain "It just would ease my mind knowing that there are no glitches in the software or the hardware"

"suuuure" teased Bumblebee. It was public knowledge among the Autobots and Sam that Optimus had really been looking forward to this, the alleged greatest experience in a human's lifetime. After the few giggles had settled down among the Autobots Ratchet proceeded to start the procedure. Suddenly a large machine surrounded optimus clamping down on his arms and legs. Next his chest was opened revealing his spark. It was yanked out by some machinery and Optimus' body went limp in the metal clamps. Jazz looked a little unnerved, sparks were a touchy subject around the once lump of cold metal robot. The spark was then taken still pulsating and transferred into a small humanoid metallic frame roughly 6 feet tall. It reminded Sam of a mini mech warrior. With a jolt it was rammed into the chest of the robot and the frame sprung instantly to life. It began to move its hands and legs in amazement.

"Please don't move until it is over Optimus" chided Ratchet. Optimus made no further gestures and by doing so he complied with Ratchet's order. Next skin began to grow onto the metal with clothes seeming to fold out from the liquid skin. Next came the hair which grew to a rather long length. Finally it was done and the clamps released the new body. Optimus picked up where he had left off amazed by his new body. Testing out some of the features his arm seemed to fold out and turn into a cannon.

"Nice" said Ironhide "how much punch does that pack"

Ratchet sighed "It is an emergency use only mechanism and by using it you shorten your time you can maintain your form. You only have 6 hours as it is without siphoning electricity out of some kind of power source.

Ironhide sighed "didn't even answer my question…"

The process was repeated again and again all reading success. Ratchet was pleased with his new machine and was a little sad that he wouldn't get to use it himself. Somebody had to stay at the base though. Ironhide at last stepped up to the machine and the process began smoothly however…

Halfway through the process something strange happened. The machine began declaring "Error! Error!" in a loud and obnoxious voice.

"Slag it! Of course you would screw it up Ironhide!" said a not too pleased Ratchet.

"Love you too Ratchet" said Ironhide displaying a lack of fear that he only wished didn't exist inside of him. Finally after a few moments the voice cut out and the process continued as if nothing had happened. After it was finished Ratchet walked over to the now human sized Ironhide and picked him up.

"Put me down!" commanded Ironhide but Ratchet only laughed.

"Relax, I just need to run a few tests to make sure you are OK"

"I'm OK it's your damn machine that needs to be checked not me. With that he jumped out of Ratchets arms causing a small dent in the floor upon impact.

Ratchet gave up using any of his Authority and turned to Prime. "Will you please smack him until his logic circuits reboot?"

"Ironhide listen to Ratchet" said Optimus off handedly. He was busy cutting his hair. His choice of clothes upon exchanging bodies was a business suit. It would have looked so dorky if it hadn't been that the body the clothes were on looked like it belonged to a weight trainer. They all looked that way except Ironhide. It looked that if Ironhide flexed he might rip his shirt but that was his choice. Jazz had selected a very semi formal looking pinstripe shirt and jeans to go with his mulatto skin while Bumble Bee looked like a bad ass. He was decked out in leather and chains.

"Whoah I never saw that side of you" said Sam "where's the whip"

Bumble Bee smiled "I never thought you were like that" both laughed before an idea came to Bumble Bee's mind. "Hey Sam, teach me how to pound it"

"what?"

"you know pound it" said Bumble Bee making some strange gesture with his hand. Laughing, Sam taught him how it was done. Once all the scrap hair from the floor was cleaned up from the new Autobot haircuts Optimus was ready to begin the second part of briefing.

"As you all know it is our mission to document the days at the university for future reference and to protect Sam"

"Ok, I'll make sure his books don't attack him" joked Bumble Bee.

"I'm quite serious, you never know what kind of trouble could occur at a college" stated Optimus boldly.

Perhaps they would have heeded Optimus' warning had they known what college had in store for them.