12:30 a.m.

Why, why, why must my life be so full of confusosity?

12:32 a.m.

Because life is a tragnosity, that is why.

12:45 a.m.

Blimey, Rosie snores like Vati. She is sleeping quite soundly, I must say, for someone who has just been told about my red-bottomed adventures. Some mate. And I thought Jas was bad, rambling about badgers and voles. On a camping trip, no less.

People are so self absorbed.

Ten minutes later

I will never sleep. My brain is buzzing with Sex Gods and Lurve Gods and, er, Laughs.

This is my life:

I have dumped a Sex God

I have bagged a Lurve God

I have again shown my red bottom to Dave the Laugh (who is, incidentally, not a Lurve or Sex God)

1:00 a.m.

Even though he gives me a touch of the jelloid knickers. Shutupshutupshutup, brain!

One minute later

What does Dave the Laugh mean though? What does he mean, "And that is why I love you?" Is that boy-code for something? Like "s'later"?

Five minutes later

I don't know why I bother with trying to figure boys out. Particularly Dave. He is a bit on the mad side.

1:15 a.m.

After he snogged me I said, "Hnnnnnngh." And he just looked at me and had that sort of glint of naughtinosity in his eyes.

What was I doing? My heart belongs to a Luurve God and I am, of course, a one-man woman with dignosity.

I was going to say that to him. I was going to say, "Look, Dave, I am sorry that I am irresistible, but I am a Lurve God's one and only. But I only got to "Look, Da," and then he snogged me again!!! And then he let go of me and said, "Georgia, you appalling tart," and walked off!!!

Me??? ME, an appalling tart? I was going to say that to him. I was going to gather my pridenosity and forage my whatsits and say, "It is you, Dave, not I, who is a red-bottomed minx." But he'd already gone.

I went back near the camp and Dave was acting like nothing had happened. Not in an ignorez-vousing me way, but in a casualosity at all times way.

1:30 a.m.

It sort of gave me the Horn.

Shutupshutupshutup, brain!

Two minutes later

When we had to get back (thanks to Jas and Ellen, the Ditherspaz Twins) I told Rosie and Jools all about Dave the Laugh. As I am such a good mate.

Well, actually I wasn't going to tell them about Dave the Laugh, but Rosie said, "Hang on, let me get my beard so I may advise you."

I said to her, "Advise me on what?"

"Your Dave the Laugh dilemma."

"I haven't got a Dave the Laugh dilemma."

And I thought I'd won, but then she said, "Georgia, the whole camp saw you splashing around and snogging like a loon."

I looked at Jools. She just nodded.

Oh, blimey. Is there no privacy in this world?

One minute later

I told Rosie and Jools about the falling in the lake and snogging fandango, and about how Dave had said, "Are we never to be free, Kittykat?"

Jools said, "Phwaor. AND he said he loved you? Ellen will be pleased."

"It was in a mate-type way," I said to her.


Rosie stroked her beard knowingly and said, "When will you tell him then?"

I asked her, "Tell him what?"

Pants, this was getting a bit annoying.

And Rosie said, "Tell him that you fancy him rotten."

"I don't, RoRo, I fancy the Lurve God."

Honestly, why can't people keep up? I went on, "Dave is just a mate."

"That loves you and snogs you all the time."

Good point. Well made.

I said, "It is his hormones, he can't help it. Anyway, he is with Emma. Er, not that it bothers me, as Dave really is just a mate and a good laugh."

"And really sort of good looking," Jools added.

"Some people might say that," I said. I was going for casual with just a touch of glaciosity.

But Rosie was being quite pushy and nosy and spreading her beardy wisdom about. "Er, YOU might say that, Gee."

"Yes, alright, but I really like Masimo and Dave is just a really good mate. Goodnight."

I rolled over with my back to them (I was in the middle actually, so I sort of had to just keep my head down to avoid Jools).

"Masimo is quite good looking but do you really, you know, get on with him and like him for more than his handbag?" Jools asked.

I was just lying there pretending to sleep.


Yes, I would just have to ignore this nonsense and talk to them in the morning when they were sane. Honestly, who could not fancy the Lurve God?

"Georgia, you were chatting with us literally one minute ago, we know you're awake."

Oh God. I would have to bite the whatsit. "Yes, of course I fancy Masimo."

Oh, Masimo, if you were here I would be free of prying mates and Tarty Hormeisters. That is why I love you. But not in a mate-type way. The good way. Whatever that is. It is as Elizabeth Whatsit Browning said. How to I love thee, Masimo? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the breadth and dept and PANTS my soul can reach.

Rosie said, "Yes, but he is not your flamingo."

Jools and I both looked at her. Was she mad?

She just nodded wisely. I asked her what in the name of trousers she was going on about.

"You know, I also think Masimo, and Robbie also, are quite good looking, but I fancy Sven because we have, you know, a LAUGH together. I like snogging him, but also having matey sort of moments like when we do Special Edition Tickly Bears."

She was mad.

She noticed us sort of gaping at her like she was mad (she was) and explained. "That's when you drink lots of water for a really long time and then play tickly bears and whoever can't hold it in anymore loses."

Jools was amazed. "So you force each other to wet your knickers???"

"Not all the way, you know just a bit when you can't hold it and then you surrender and you both have a proper wazz. And a change of knickers if you need."

Oh, right, of course. Quite ordinary then. Not.

"What's that got to do with flamingos, Ro?"

"Oh, well when you've found a really good mate that you also like to snog and that you get on with in your way, that is your flamingo, as flamingos mate for life."

Jools said to her, "Do you mean penguins?"


And then we all laughed like loons. I don't know why.

1:45 a.m.

I wonder if Emma is Dave's flamingo?