Disclaimer: I don't own the Twilight series. That right belongs to Stephenie Meyers. The scenes are in Jacob's point of view from Eclipse hence the similarities. Some quotes are directly taken also. Those belong to Stephenie.
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Summary: This is just an overview of Eclipse during some of the scenes in Jacob's point of view. He wishes that Bella were his but sometimes no matter how much you wish, no matter how hard you stare, some things don't come true.
I stared at her intently for what seemed like millionth time that day.
Nope. Nothing at all.
Why? Why couldn't I feel that strong pull towards her? Why couldn't I have that gravitational pull and commitment for the one person I loved most in the world? It was hopeless. This imprinting thing would never happen to me; I didn't want it to. If I couldn't have Bella, then I didn't want anyone else.
Wasn't it enough that I loved her? I would do anythingfor Bella. I would do every single thing that Jared would do for Kim, and yet I didn't feel that strong tug. I felt obligated to protect her. I wanted her. I needed her. It felt as if I couldn't breathe without Bella. Every moment that I was away from her, I felt all happiness drain from my system. If that wasn't imprinting, then I didn't know what was.
The strong devotion I had for Bella wasn't returned. If Bella was indeed my mate, she would feel the same way about me. A brother-that's how she thought of me. No romance. Filthy bloodsucker. I despised that bastard for returning. It wasn't fair. I fixed Bella. I put her back together and yet that leech got the spoils.
"What are you staring at Jake?"
I blinked and stared at her curious face. "Nothing special," I teased, my heart aching from denial.
She laughed and hit my shoulder playfully. God. I loved her laugh. No. Not even the word love could come close to what I felt for Bella. I would gladly give up my life for her and yet she didn't know. I never really told Bella that I loved her; that was for another time. I kept staring at her beautiful face as she talked on and on about that bloodsucker boyfriend of hers. Apparently he was out of town and she sneaked away to see me.
At least I knew Bella felt some sort of attachment towards me. There was a bond we formed when the bloodsucker had left. I'm glad that it didn't fade even when the jerk did return. I steadied my breath and held Bella close to me. It was better than nothing. I rolled my eyes, recalling the constant whining from Embry and Quil of my obsession with Bella. Everyone found my infatuation a bit annoying.
I snorted at myself and let out a low chuckle. Bella stared at me again with a questioning look but I shook my head as if it were nothing. Nah. She wouldn't understand. If I told her what I was thinking, she'd probably get all nervous and run off. I couldn't let that happen. I never got to see Bella anymore.
If only I imprinted Bella. All I could hear was the constant resounding of 'why?' in my head. I sounded like a whining child, but I had a right to. How could something so close, and yet so far, be difficult to obtain? Anguish washed over my body and I felt sick once more as I thought of Bella's reaction when I mentioned the 'no biting' rule. Did she really want to become a vampire, or did she say that out of spite?
It hurt so much. I felt my lower lip jut out, but I growled to myself. Cry baby. I can't start with the tear session now, especially in front of Bella. She'd probably think I was some kind of a wuss. Stupid non-human leech. He was lucky he didn't have to worry about crying. The rock probably didn't feel emotion. It was all an act.
Eh. I was lying to myself; I knew that Edward felt something for Bella. If he was willing to pull a Romeo, he must have some emotion. My heart tugged, painfully pounding as I remembered the way Bella would look at him. She never looked at me that way. One day maybe…but not today. No. She was in too deep with the Cullen family. It was disgusting. I stared at Bella one last time, wishing I could feel that force of nature, but it was in vain. Nothing once more.
Quil was imprinted. That jerk. I envied him, and yet was really uneasy. A two-year-old? I prayed that wouldn't happen to me. Only Bella. Please, only Bella.
I stared at her once more, expecting something to happen, but alas I was left with disappointment. She noticed my distress and questioned me, but I pushed it off.
I expected Bella's reaction. She was just as disgusted I was, but I warned her. No judgment should be made. It wasn't as if there would be any romance between Quil and Claire…yet. It wasn't as if we aged like normal humans. Bella wasn't all too happy about that fact either when I told her. Note to self: Bella doesn't like the idea of her being old.
She asked me again. She asked when it would happen to me. I shrugged it off and told her that it would never happen. I didn't want it to happen. I only wanted Bella. She reminded me that it wasn't something I could control and I told her that we were supposed to see our soul mates. Of course, stubborn her argued that I haven't seen much of the world. Figures. I shook my head and answered Bella truthfully.
All I saw was Isabella Marie Swan. Every day and every night, I saw her. When I closed my eyes it was her. I couldn't escape and I never wanted to.
After I explained everything to her, Bella got nervous and wanted to go home. I frowned and didn't let her go so easily. Some persuasion was made and I finally convinced her to stay and hangout. We rode our motorcycles on the back roads of La Push until I got too hungry and it started to rain. We ended up hanging out in the garage like old times and chatted about good times, without him.
I bit my lip but couldn't help but ask Bella what she meant the last time I had seen her; about the whole 'biting' thing. I immediately regretted asking her if she was serious. I already knew the answer but I couldn't help but asking. That was a harsh pang in my chest. She said that they wouldn't break the treaty and would leave Forks before she was bitten but I told her it didn't matter. I was surprised I was so composed.
That was until she told me her heartbeats were numbered.
I shook uncontrollably and felt the anger fill my body. Weeks? I squeezed my eyes trying to control my sudden outburst. I panted and clenched my fists together. Weeks? I felt myself phase for a moment but not fully. Finally I spat out a response bitterly. When she didn't speak I snarled at how she would be a bloodsucker in a few mere weeks. She winced and whispered, giving her response. She said it as if being changed into a leech was an ultimatum. Agony ripped throughout my body when she said that he was all she wanted.
Whether it was the fury or monster in me, I mustered up the worse retort I could think of. I told her that she'd be better off dead, that I preferred it.
I saw the color drain from her face and the pain wash over her face. She grew red and screamed that perhaps I would get lucky and she would die on her way back to town. I didn't stop her as she marched off and rode her motorcycle away. I watched as she disappeared into the ominous mist. Boy did I feel like shit. How could I say those words? How could I possibly be that harsh?
I ran inside and didn't pay attention as Billy questioned me. I dialed Bella's phone number and left a message with Charlie. How could I live with myself knowing that those were the last words I said to Bella? What if something did happen to her? Nausea churned in my stomach and I felt myself phase into a wolf. I ran away to the cliffs, into the mist, and growled at the pack as they tried to speak to me. Sometimes being a werewolf was such an inconvenience.
I suppose that I loved Bella so much that I was being selfish. I didn't care. I wanted Bella. I wanted her to live. I wanted her to be human. I wanted her to love me. I growled to myself and at my childish antics. I wanted a lot of things I couldn't have. The world didn't work that way. Wanting something wasn't a sufficient reason.
I dragged myself back home and sighed when Bella didn't call me back. Panic swept my body, but I knew if something did happen, that Charlie would call us in an instant. Breathe Jacob. I waited out the night and barely slept. Sheer misery: my only weapon. It seemed that if I ever wanted to see Bella, I had to be miserable. It was pathetic, yes, but it was the only thing that worked. Pity.
I sulked around and moped. Billy rolled his eyes and told me that he was going over to the Clearwaters'. He seemed to go there a lot lately. I whined to myself at how stupid I was being, but I couldn't bear it. The thought of never seeing Bella again-as a human or bloodsucker-nearly killed me. The phone rang and I answered it feebly with a dull attitude. When I heard Bella's voice I felt the joy rush through my body again.
Another point there. How was it that Bella could affect me so easily? She had to be the one…my senses just didn't realize it. I apologized profusely and she accepted them like always. Bella could never hold a grudge. I was caught off guard when Bella asked me if I would mind speaking to her leech. I paused momentarily and finally obliged. I didn't buy his whole polite attitude, but pushed the pleasantness aside when he said that someone was in Bella's room. I cursed and soon enough a small truce was made. I tried to convince the bloodsucker to let Bella come down to La Push. She would be much safer here.
I arrived at her house in no time to explore the land around her home. I needed to catch a scent and see if anything seemed familiar. If this thing decided it would come back, I would be ready. I wouldn't let those parasites get all the credit. I wanted Bella to know that I cared for her as much-if not more-that them. I noticed he had left when I entered Bella's house. She got a bit scared when I suddenly appeared, which earned a chuckle from me. Hah. It amused me how she blushed when I asked her about my bare chest. Silly girl.
I sniffed around her room and came back downstairs to help her out with the dishes. Boy was she jumpy. We exchanged some pleasant words and then I asked her what I had wanted to know for quite a while: what was it like to have a vampire for a boyfriend. She thought my question was a joke but I was earnest and asked her if it was awkward. Of course she didn't think it was odd. Her brain was messed up.
I frowned lightly and then debated on whether or not to ask my next question. She noticed my hesitation and found my anxiety amusing. I finally asked her if they ever-shudder-kissed. Boy was that uncomfortable. She laughed at me and said yes. I shuddered in disgust and joked about him having fangs. Yeah, I knew vampires didn't have actual fangs, but still, those teeth were dangerous.
I continued with rinsing until I asked yet another question. I was a curious boy. I whispered when exactly she would…change. I inwardly mourned as she said she would be changed on her graduation day and clenched my fists together. That wasn't such a smooth move considering I had a knife in my hand. I yelped with pain and swore as I dropped the knife. Smooth Jake.
Bella freaked and started going crazy. I healed by the time she calmed herself enough to act and laughed at her amazement. I watched as she scrubbed away with bleach and mentioned something about being blood sensitive. She wasn't doing all the cleaning for only her benefit. If I had this much trouble with something, would she put that much effort into making things easier for me?
I sighed at the amount of devotion Bella held for that undeserving jerk. I couldn't help but envy Edward. Some people got all the breaks. I then mentioned the bonfire party and asked if she was allowed to go. She didn't appreciate my snarky comments. I found them amusing. I chuckled and teased her about asking for permission one last time before running off. Bella had lousy aim when it came to throwing, but I didn't want to be the target if luck was magically on her side.
I groaned and answered the phone with irritation. The past few days weren't so kind to me with the double shifts and all. Sam had gone crazy mad and demanded full Cullen watch and on top of that I circled Bella's home during the nights. I didn't mind the latter. Bella was my number one priority. The ache didn't subside even though the time passed. I would still watch Bella in hopes of that sudden spark to ignite between the two of us. This imprinting stuff sure was complicating.
It was Bella. I asked what she wanted, still a bit grouchy from being woken, but immediately perked up when she asked if she could come over. School had been over for quite some time and I was bored as hell, plus I couldn't deny seeing Bella. She was my everything and I would take any chance I could get at seeing her. I yawned and drove up to the border line, waiting for the leech and Bella to arrive. I muttered to myself and decided today would be the day.
Bella already knew how I felt even without the words, but I needed to tell her. I watched as the silver Volvo appeared and began to growl to myself. I roared angrily as I thought of a million ways to tell Bella what I wanted to tell her, but for some reason, they all seemed either wrong or corny. I didn't want to look like a complete idiot. I waited impatiently and honked the horn twice, watching as she said a quick goodbye to the bloodsucker.
I cheered up as the two of us made it back to my house. Billy was gone yet again. I was so boring these days. All I did was sleep. Bella noticed my zombie like state and commented on it. I explained about the shifts thing and she was aggravated that I was losing sleep over her. She was acting like I was some kind of martyr. Hah. We plopped down on the couch and talked about her graduation the following week. She mentioned some party that the bloodsuckers were throwing and invited me. Like that was practical.
I didn't notice that nodded off to sleep until Bella woke me up a few hours later. I felt guilty and angry with myself for wasting so much time. There goes my planning. Stupid sleep depravation. I pulled her outside and we walked around for a while until I stopped her. It was now or never.
I cleared my throat and told her in a strong, sure voice. Relief kicked in as I said those fateful words. I was in love with her. She finally knew it. I told her to pick me and told her that she had options-not just the one she thought she had. I breathed and grinned, telling her that was all. She, of course, responded awkwardly and began to babble while using her same excuse of leaving.
I sort of hit below the belt and guilt tripped her. I asked if she wanted me to go and to never see her again. She bit her lip and said that she didn't want that. I grinned triumphantly and knew that I had won. I was growing a little arrogant each minute. A little bolder at each remark. She tried to argue that she wanted me happy but that she felt the same for her family. She said I was family. Ugh. She loved me but she wasn't in love with me.
I shrugged it off and acted nonchalant. She still wanted me around and I played around with the idea. She accused me of being mean, just like a second-grader, and I retorted that she was also mean. That seemed to freeze her into the truth. I laughed and said I forgave her. A rush of overconfidence and desire swept my body as I told her how irresistible a lost cause was. I was free from being that coy and meek kid. I grew up.
She tried to play off my affections but I got under her skin. I told her that whether she liked it or not, that I was part of her life. A good chunk of her life was all about me when that jerk left. He would just have to deal with it. I became serious and grabbed her chin and told her that I would fight. I kept trying to sell her the fact that she had options. She began to bicker once more and said her heartbeats were numbered; that time was almost gone.
A sudden impulse sent tremors throughout my body. I curled my fingers around Bella's chin and felt the adrenaline pump in my veins. The next thing I knew, my lips were pressed harshly against Bella's. My heart pounded rapidly as one of my wishes came true. I couldn't be happier. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, but I enjoyed every minute. I savored ever moment and thought of nothing but the girl in my grasp.
I wrapped my hand around her neck and pulled her closer into our rough kiss. I felt her hands clutch my face and I growled lowly. I forced her lips to open slightly and breathed in her very essence. Rhapsody. That was the only word I could think of. Rhapsody. She dropped her hands to her side and didn't fight back any longer, yet didn't response. I sighed into her and finally pulled back. I couldn't get enough of her and kissed her once, twice, and then a third. It ached to release myself from the ecstasy, but I unwillingly let go.
She wasn't that happy with my sudden boldness.
"Are you done now?" She asked monotonously.
I grinned and closed my eyes, reliving the moment. "Yes."
The next thing I knew, Bella was hopping around and screaming with pain, cradling her fist to her chest. I stared at her with wide eyes and asked if she was all right. She yelled that I broke her hand. I snorted and rolled my eyes. If anyone was to blame, it was Bella. Again with being stubborn. I watched she stomped off but I insisted on driving her. Feh. Her attempt at threatening me was pathetic along with the string of insults to follow.
I teased her about the kiss and became smug. I told her that she would think about it and that she couldn't hide from the fact that it happened. She was being so melodramatic. I finally softened and told her that I was the right choice-as if she didn't hear that enough. I said that everyone would be happier if she chose me and I was pretty sure that she would be a helluva lot happier if she chose me too. We quarreled some more and made it to Charlie's. She stomped off inside and mumbled something about a crowbar.
Charlie congratulated me on kissing Bella. I grinned broadly and sent a haughty look towards Bella, gloating that even her own father was on my side. She ignored me and complained to the leech over the phone. I shrugged cockily and waited for her dearest Edward's arrival. The idiot wouldn't try anything if Charlie was around. I gagged as he walked it and swooped towards Bella with a sincere voice. Great. Now I was playing the villain.
I watched them walk off and went after them, much to Charlie's dismay. Bella climbed into the car and glared at me like a glowering child. The bloodsucker said he wouldn't kill me-yet-because he didn't want to upset Bella. Spare me the excuses tick. He didn't seem to like that comment, but spoke to me in a calm manner; his words weren't as kind. Real original. Running on three legs? Oh I am so scared. I chuckled inwardly as he said he would break my jaw next time if I even tried kissing Bella.
I smirked and asked what if she wanted me to. Bella snorted from behind the leech, but the bloodsucker just shrugged and said it was her decision and then something about body language. I grinned again and Bella muttered her peanut gallery comments. I growled and told them to move along. The bloodsucker stopped for another moment and told me that he would be fighting twice as hard as I would. As if. I snarled at him and we exchanged some words.
I glowered. I hated being called a child-even more so-a pup. How degrading. I mustered up a smile at Bella and told her to get well. She turned her face away from me and they drove off. I stood there for a moment longer and pondered at the situation. Bella said she hated me but soon enough I would be forgiven. I was always forgiven. Apparently, lines could be crossed and I was untouchable.
Envy tugged at my heart. Bella felt the need to run off to her vampire friends and drew even closer to them. I sighed, aggravated at my tendency to push Bella away more and more. I tried coming up with different situations to trigger the imprinting process. Telling her I loved her didn't work. Kissing her impulsively didn't work. Being a smug bastard didn't work. What more could I possibly do to make that bond between Bella and I stronger?
She was right. Those heartbeats of hers were numbered. Every second…every minute…all in vain. Wasted efforts. I had to try harder. I wouldn't let Bella subject herself to that lifestyle. I would change her mind. I felt it in my aching heart that she was the one. She had to be. There was no point in running from it. She was my fate and I wouldn't accept anything less than her.
Bella wouldn't answer any of my phone calls or messages. It seemed as if every moment was consumed by the Cullen family. I hated the lot of them. They took her away from me. I began to mope more often than usual and the pack was distressed by constant brooding. On top of the stress with Bella, four more people joined to pack. Even worse, Leah Clearwater was one of us. She was worse than I was. She made everyone miserable.
Then came the day of my demise and depression. Bella's graduation. Charlie invited us of course, and Billy and I agreed to come. I couldn't help but come. What if this was the last time I would see Bella alive. A grim smile appeared on my face as they called her name, but that didn't stop me from cheering loudly with Charlie. She flashed a brief smile in our direction and grabbed her diploma. My thudding heartbeat pounded in my ears slowly. That was it. I lost. Game over.
I managed to coax Quil and Embry to come with me to the Cullen's house. Very daring, I know, but with my new found arrogance I saw no reason not to go. I wanted to spend every last moment of Bella's human life with her. She made a face when I called out her name. I rolled my eyes at her attempt to escape me. I found her easily through the crowd to people and left Quil and Embry behind in their anxiety. They needed to buck up. Pansies. Bella tried to pull off her 'I hate Jacob Black' parade, but I pulled out my weapon: my sadness.
A guilty expression played on her face and she changed the subject to wanting to see the present I made for her. I shook my head as she thought the small pouch was her gift. As if I knitted. She gasped at the charm and surprised me by wanting to put on the bracelet. Sweet. I was on her good side again. Bella seemed distracted and when I confronted her, she tried to pass it off as nothing. She sucked at lying. It had something to do with that thing in her room and the pack had a right to know. Quil and Embry were at my side, the three of us towering over Bella. She squirmed uneasily and called for the psychic bloodsucker. In half a second, the little pest was at Bella's side, as nauseating as ever. All three of us leaned away, but I stopped them from leaving by putting out my hand.
The little leech tried to act offended at my gesture, but I was already angry and demanded to know what was going on. A moment later, another bloodsucker came out of nowhere; the little one's mate I presumed. That thought alone disgusted me. Stupid rocks. The blond didn't seem too happy and I pulled back my arm and muttered that we had as much right to know. I noticed the blond got really territorial and stepped in between the girls and us.
Peace maker Bella settled the small dispute, but the hostility was still in the air. The bloodsuckers and Bella began to ramble on and on about something coming to Forks. It was after Bella. I heard Bella gasp that she had to leave to protect everyone and I finally had enough of all their mind games. I insisted on information and when the blond said something about an even fight, it clicked to me.
I smirked and said it wouldn't be an even fight. The small one hissed with joy and grinned at me. I grinned back and the two of us discussed coordination's. There was no way in hell I would let anything come near Bella. I refused the very thought to come to my mind. I spoke to the blond and little bloodsuckers about their meeting, ignoring Bella's protest. I wrinkled my nose at working with a bunch of leeches, but I could persuade Sam into it.
The first meeting went off without a hitch. All of us watched as the vampires attacked one another, and as much as I hated to admit it, we were amazed. Sam agreed to help out and an unlikely truce was made. We smelt each one of them to recognize their scents and to make it easier to differentiate between the hoard of leeches. I pranced up to Bella and ignored Edward's pleasant behavior. The idiot was trying to impress Bella. Once he walked away I gave her a sloppy kiss-well-lick.
Apparently it wasn't as made when I was a wolf. I could get away with a lot more. The next meeting was basically the same, but we studied the vampire's technique closely and made some plans. Bella stayed with me and mentioned something about never having a dog. I laughed and snuggled deeper into her touch. This was what I wanted. I yearned for her touch to actually mean something-and it did-but not in the way I wanted it to. My eyes caught hers. Nope. Still not happening. A frown appeared on my face as I rested my head against my paws and continued to stare at the fighting.
A plan was made to help cover Bella's scent. I would carry her some ways to a campsite after she made a scent trail with her bloodsucker. Her odor would be disguised. We made some small talk and I enjoyed carrying her in my arms. She seemed distressed about the whole fight, but what really pained me was the way she was so concerned about him. I was quiet and then told her that didn't mean he loved her more. The wimp. Staying with Bella. He was just hiding behind her excuses.
We talked some more and joked around. She wasn't too happy with the fact that I was staying with her and her bloodsucker for the first night. She then asked if she begged, if I would stay. I chuckled at the thought of her on her hands and knees, beseeching me to stay. Nothing would make me miss this fight. I could finally take my aggression out on some leeches that didn't matter to Bella. I was her soldier. All I had to do was wait out for the commands I longed for: a kiss…a touch...to stay with Bella for eternity without the bloodsucker.
It was a cold night for Bella. I could hear the chattering of her teeth and her lost ability to speak clearly. I would howl and whine just to annoy Edward. Staying with the two of them wasn't so bad when I got on his nerves. I had enough with the idiot's remarks and went inside the tent to warm up Bella. He wasn't so happy about my embrace with Bella. I suppose my little remark about losing all clothing didn't help my case. I grinned and commented on Edward's jealousy, but was bitter at the fact that she wished he was the one holding her.
She stopped trembling after a while and finally warmed up. She asked about my hair and I heard the bloodsucker laugh under his breath. I glowered and told her that I thought she liked my hair better long. Oh the things I did for love. It wasn't enough-yet. Bella fell asleep after a while and snuggled deeper into me. My thoughts trailed off to the future that could be in store for Bella and I. The two of us could be like this-except married-and I would hold her close as I trailed my fingers along her body…
The bloodsucker hissed at me. I raised an eyebrow at him and he shivered with disgust at my thoughts. Oh, right. Mind reader. Embarrassment filled me from head to toe and I muttered that it was his fault for listening. I didn't want to mention certain things, incase Bella was still awake, so I thought to myself. He was jealous because he couldn't really touch Bella the way I could. Edward admitted his envy and I took it to the next level by mentioning that I could have sex with Bella without hurting her.
He was irritated but remained calm and gave me a warning. A low chuckle emitted from my throat as I silenced myself. I didn't want to push the limits too far. After a few moments I asked if he would talk to me truthfully. He shrugged and was a willing participant in my game of twenty-one questions. I asked about the jealousy thing and learned that it really did eat him up inside. He then revealed something about multiple thoughts.
A smile formed on my lips when he told me that Bella thought of me often. Eh. He also caught my weapon of sadness that I used against Bella to have her visit me. I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I said that she was in love with him, but also with me too. She was stubborn. Bella didn't know she was in love with me. Our conversation continued and I could tell the bloodsucker attempted to answer each question as honest as possible.
The conversation went on about how it felt like losing Bella. He seemed sincere enough with his explanation. It seemed that even stones could feel some emotion. I attempted at persuading him to leave-to give Bella and I some time-but it didn't sell so smoothly. The guy was stubborn and refused to leave Bella until she told him to. I had to admit that Edward was a genuine guy. He cared for Bella just like I did. I was shocked when he said he would leave Bella alone if she decided to go with me.
I decided to work that piece of information to my advantage for another time. He then told me of some options he realized when he and Bella first fell in love. I winced at that. I listened to each option and enjoyed the first one the most. A little bit of my pride slipped when I told him that I could see he loved Bella in his own way. My persuasions failed yet again and as soon as it started, we were finished. I thanked him for being honest. He then made a remark about the third wife story and hissed when he learned about it through my thoughts. He explained himself and I got angry as well.
Was Bella an idiot or something? I growled and felt even more obligated to protect her. Edward and I spoke once more and decided the truce would end at first light. I did as he told me and enjoyed the moment-well-a little too much to Edward's dismay. The night went on but I didn't get much sleep because Bella wouldn't stop mumbling in her sleep. Edward hasn't happy when she whispered 'my Jacob'. A rush of excitement nearly made me swoon.
When I finally managed to sleep, I was woken by being thrown on the cold floor. I complained and rolled over, but didn't notice I toppled on top of Bella. My body flung to the other side of the small tent and we were about to brawl, but once more peace make Bella came to the rescue. I took enjoyment when Edward remarked that last night made it on his top ten worst nights but didn't feel too good when he said that if it was him in my place; it wouldn't make it on his top ten best nights. I gagged at the possibilities and marched off outside and said I had to talk to Sam
I was about to leave until I heard Bella and Edward talk about their top ten nights. Eh. I was a prying teenager-sue me. I had to cover my mouth to refrain from making gagging noises and groans as they went on and on about different nights. I wondered if Bella had a top ten for me. I had a lot of good moments with her but I could think of a few other things that would replace those slots in a second.
I smirked when Bella found out about her sleep talking but felt a little disappointment when she explained the whole 'my Jacob' thing. Ignorance was better some times. I rolled my eyes at a few more of their top moments until I heard the one thing that shattered me to a million pieces. Bella agreed to marry that stone cold bastard. My heart felt as if it was ripped out of my chest and I couldn't refrain from phasing into my wolf form to ease the pain. A sharp howl of agony cried from my body and I began to run away. A heavy sob overwhelmed me as I let out another strangled howl.
He knew I was listening. That dirty, rotten, filthy…words couldn't even describe the fury and anguish I felt at the moment. I hated both of them, and yet I still loved Bella with every fiber of my existence. She was my soul mate. She had to be. If she wasn't meant for me, then no one was. I heard my name being called but I let it go and phased back into a human. I choked out a heavy sob and didn't care whether I seemed weak or not. Nothing mattered anymore. I was too late and lost the game of love.
My head snapped up towards him. I could tear him limb from limb right now but even that wouldn't suffice the torture that shook my body. "What do you want leech? I have nothing more that you can take from me."
"Bella is really torn up about you being upset," he sighed dully.
"Don't worry. For once I didn't use pain as my weapon. It's all real and for me alone. Nothing she says will soothe me," I hissed maliciously. It was true. I honestly didn't want to hear her piteous words and attempts at comforting me. Sympathy from the devil wasn't what I needed.
"Listen mutt," the leech growled. "Stop acting like such a pathetic little mongrel and buck up. Go talk to Bella. Geez you are infuriating."
I snarled. Who did this guy think he was? I then thought back on our conversation from last night and grew a little more confident. A plan formulated in my head and I saw the bloodsucker glare at me. "If you fight dirty, you roll with the dogs. Time for some payback."
He scowled and the two of us walked back to the campsite. Mr. Sincerity reared his head and went off with Seth, promising not to listen. She fumbled with her words and gave a sad excuse of an apology. She hurt me so I did the only thing I could do to defend myself against her. I would fight fire with ice. My new plan didn't seem to have any errors and she went along with it every step of the way. I gave her my ultimatum and pulled the 'take myself out of the picture' card. She was horrified of course.
Eh. I felt like a complete asshole and just as much as a selfish bastard as Edward was, but nothing really mattered. I needed this to happen. She had to really know her options. When she asked what she could do, I told her. My conscious told me that I was being a complete jerk, but my heart told me that I had to be cruel to be kind. It was the only way. The kiss was perfect.
Her lips formed perfectly with mine. I wasn't exactly the gentlest person, but again, I didn't care. I'm selfish. The moment was perfect. A purr escaped my lips as I held her body close to mine, swaying in the cold air. The adrenaline pumped in my veins once more and I became more fervent. I tugged at her hands and conveyed her to wrap them around my neck to entice more passion out of her. Just like last time, she was defiant. I growled lowly and brushed my lips down her jaw line and to her neck. My nose nuzzled against her skin and I breathed in her essence.
She reeked of bloodsucker but I didn't care. Bella was mine for the moment. I tried to coax her and whispered huskily in her ear to give in. She shook her head. My stomach churned as I pulled the asshole card again and asked her if she really wanted me to die. Her hands twined into my hair and tugged sharply, earning a low growl from and another kiss fully of longing.
Then I felt it. Her soft lips moved against mine and I felt a tingling sensation jolt throughout my body. So this was how it felt. This was how kissing was supposed to be. A roguish grin played on my lips as her lips pressed against mine feverishly. The experience was almost like a dream. Bella was kissing me back. Our hearts pounded rapidly and then I stopped. Wetness found my face and I realized Bella was crying. I stopped and stared at her with euphoria and awe.
I told her I had to leave but did one last thing. I kissed her except not as rough. This kiss was more meaningful and softer. I pulled back just as quickly as it happened and smiled. I told her that was supposed to be our first. I turned and walked away into the forest, passing the bloodsucker along the way with a triumphant smirk. I had won. Bella knows it now. She loved me. She was in love with me. Nothing would change that.
The battle ended as quickly as it started. Victory was ours and I had nothing but sheer ecstasy pulsing through my veins. Nothing could make me happier than how I felt now. I was part of her life. I was a part of Bella's life and not even her dear bloodsucker boyfriend Edward could change that. Even if I had acted like a complete jerk, it was all worth it to know that Bella might choose me.
And yet…it still didn't happen.
Bella was in my every thought and yet when our eyes met, nothing happened. Why was this still happening? The pack as a whole thought that imprinting was random, but ever since Jared and Quil were imprinted, the possibilities were still out there. My heart ached for just a moment until I shook it all off. Maybe I was like Bella; I had a glitch in my brain. Our hearts knew that we belonged together and that was all that mattered.
I don't know why the bloodsucker's words resounded in my head. He left her and still could again, but then again, what if I did imprint on someone else. What if I was just like Sam? I couldn't do that to Bella-no-shake it off Jake. Bella is the only girl that I want and will ever want. There is no comparison when it came to her. She was unique.
The scent of those filthy newborns was agonizing. I was going to puke at any moment now…but this scent is wrong. It is fresh. A sharp howl caught my ears as I saw that stupid, tenacious Leah was trying to fight off a straggler leech. Boy was she a moron. My ears perked up again-another piercing howl. No. Ugh. I stared in horror as the bloodsucker lunged towards Leah with open arms.
A loud crunching sound echoed throughout the woods and I was left in excruciating pain. This was how I was going to die-in the hands of a parasite. At least Bella was safe. At least Bella knew I loved her. I suppose that it is a noble thing to die for her. The worst part of this all was the fact that I'd never know if Bella would have chosen me.
'Son of a b-'
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and thought of every swear word I knew. Sam and Paul managed to rip the bloodsucker off of me. I wasn't going to die. I was going to see Bella again. As childish as it sounded, wishes did come true. I was surprised that even throughout all this pain-I could still think of Bella. The fact that bones were jutting into my vital organs kind of overshadowed my thoughts, but it happens.
Everything was such a blur. I remembered that Dr. Leech examined me and said I should be doing fine or something along those lines. I couldn't even phase back-how could I be fine? I was stuck as a wolf. Sam spoke to me and spoke to me like I was a kid. Just like when I first phased. After a few minutes I finally found the strength to phase back and that was a killer.
My bones were healing too fast, I heard them say. I was in pure agony. My bones had to be rebroken. Great. Thanks doc. I really appreciate that. The pain began to subside as I was injected with pain medication on a trial and error basis. I think the doc overdid the injection; I was all doped up. My mind was hazy. I was pulled under a wave of exhaustion and spiraled into unconsciousness.
A familiar roar made my eyes snap open. As groggy as I was, I had to get up some time; I couldn't bear to sleep anymore. Nightmares. I was a baby. At least the ache was gone and even better, Bella was here. I heard her greet Billy and walk towards my room. Her face poked inside meekly, looking like a shy child. It was silent. I wondered what she was thinking as she stared at my blank expression. The words just didn't come.
"Hi, Jake," she murmured.
My heart pounded softly and I thanked God that she didn't have sensitive hearing. Her eyes were gentle, sparkling with unshed tears. A new kind of pain filled my body as I stared into her dark eyes. It was the perfect moment. Why wasn't it happening yet? Our love for one another was so real and yet I didn't feel it. No sudden force. Nothing. Denial and ignorance were my company as a mocking smile played upon my lips.
We spoke casually at first. Bella seemed very concerned about my injuries, but that was expected. She was in love with me. My heart swelled with joy at that very thought. I finally convinced her that I was fine and asked about her. I was dying to know what the bloodsucker said about my kiss with his girlfriend. I inwardly snickered, but turned sincere as I questioned her.
"What?" was all I could managed to say. I was horrified. The bloodsucker wasn't even mad? Argh. That jerk was better than I thought. Not one ultimatum. He was playing the same game as I was, except he was a helluva lot better. Bella was so blind to the fact that the leech was manipulating her. He wasn't the good guy-I was.
I winced as she mentioned the whole 'pulling a Romeo' card I played. Eh. Whatever. It was in that hand of cards that Bella discovered what she felt for me. I won-and I wasn't really lucky when it came to gambling.
I might have won the battle, but I lost the war. She asked if I regretted everything, but I didn't. I was glad I told her the way I felt. Many years from now, I didn't want to think about what could've happened. Slowly, I fell apart. I did all I could and I still wasn't good enough. I was distracted when she told me to yell at her and tell her how awful she was. It didn't take much acting with the way my day was going.
I went at her pretty harshly as she wanted me to. She winced and whimpered apologies, but I shot back at her like there was no tomorrow. It was only I heard her sobs that I stopped. Thinking back on what I said, I was awful. We joked a bit and I got points for making her cry. Kudos Jake. She let out a choked laugh, but I knew she felt the same way as I did.
I stared deep into her soul and realized something. I was the one that was breaking Bella apart this time. I was the one leaving the hole in her chest. No. I won't do it anymore. I surrender. We would be friends-well-I would at least try. She frowned and said that was a bit too late with the whole love situation. My eyes shifted to the ceiling and I mentioned a long distance friendship. That might work a bit better. She flinched, but before she could say anything, I asked if she knew the story of King Solomon.
I'm not going to break her. I'm not going to be the reason why she feels torn in two. I vowed that much to Bella. Even though I loved her more than anything in the world, I couldn't-I wouldn't-do that to my precious Bella. We remained in silence for only a few minutes until I spoke once more. I told her what our future would have been like. I was perfect Bella. I was healthier for Bella. If we lived in a world without monsters and magic, she would have been on my path.
In some parallel universe, she would be my Bella. No Edward. No vampires. No werewolves. Just normalcy. That place didn't really exist when it came to people like us. The freaks. I could tell she was thinking hard about what I said, and I winced as I broke my vow I made to her just moments ago. I told her that she couldn't help it. He was her addiction and even our vices and follies overshadow our virtues. He was a drug, but I was the earth.
I laughed as she told me that I use to be her sun; too bad I couldn't fight against an eclipse. I asked if she would tell me the worst part of the situation for her, but her response made me want to cry. Heartbroken. If breaking myself meant to fix Bella, then I would make that sacrifice. She won't know my pain. I wouldn't allow it. Reluctantly, I brought up the wedding, but really I wanted to know when she would be like him. After the wedding.
She told me of her woes and worries about coping. Bella mentioned something about the pack going after her. Hah. As if I would let that happen either. Bloodsucker or not, the love would still be there-at least on my part. More questions were asked on my part, but she didn't mind. We spoke about losing control when she became-cringe-a vampire. The Cullen's would keep her in check.
It was going to end soon. This whole visit wasn't just a visit, but more of a desolate goodbye.
"You know I love you."
Tears stung my eyes as I held her closer in my embrace. "I know." I pursed my lips and managed to mutter under my breath. "You know how much I wish it was enough."
Never enough. Never good enough. We tried to push off the sappy, distressing atmosphere but it was way too hard. I laughed and said that I would probably have her even if she was a bloodsucker. She'd stink, but who knows. Anything was possible in this twisted world of ours. Bella then asked if she should come back. I was hesitant and told her some company would be nice, but I would inform her.
The conversation turned to the bane of my existence. No, not the leech, but the act of imprinting. I didn't want it to happen, but Bella seemed quite fond of the idea. Of course she would. Easier on both parts, she said. A chuckle emitted from my throat as she wondered how jealous she would be if I did indeed imprint some girl.
That was all it took. One last look. No matter how long I stared, no matter how hard I wished, Bella and I were never meant to be.
All good things come to an end eventually. With a kiss goodbye, and a vow of love, I watched her leave my home, my future, and worst of all, me.