"Imbeciles!" Santanico shouted, back-handing Charlie across his big wide mug, the force knocking him back against a wall. "You couldn't even do the simple task of killing TWO people?!"
"I don't know what happened mistress!" Charlie said, rubbing his head painfully. "Enrique was supposed to kill him, but somehow this cabrone knows our weaknesses."
"What do you mean?" She demanded.
"He knew about crosses and stakes through the heart… Chances are he knows about sunlight."
"Ugh…" She said, rolling her eyes. "Another movie fanatic…"
"He attacked us with a cricket bat that had a cross attached to it, I've never seen someone do that."
"This one is creative… Perhaps its time for US to get creative as well…" She said, grinning darkly to herself. "We need to move quickly though, it is already past midnight, we need to kill them before sun-up or our cover will be blown."
"Are you sure this is the best idea?" Liz asked as Shaun threw more clothes into a suitcase.
"Yes, absolutely, I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you."
"Why do you think someone would come after me?"
"Well you're my girlfriend, they'll want to hurt you through me."
"What makes you think they want to hurt you so bad?"
"Well they came HERE didn't they?" Shaun asked, shutting the suitcase.
Liz stopped him as he moved for the door. "Forget something?" She asked. "You need a bag too."
"No, I'm not going with you." He said solemnly.
"Oh no you don't Shaun, your going with me and that's final!"
"Liz, look, you need to be safe. You cant be safe as long as they are still out there, so you need to get away."
"Babe… Its alright, I promise I'll see you again, but you HAVE to go now." Shaun said, heading down the stairs with her bag. Just as they reached the bottom though, Liz grabbed him and hugged him tightly.
Shaun silently wrapped his arms around her as though it was the last time they'd be together, which it very well could be… "I love you Liz…"
"Gay…" A voice said weakly from the living room. Shaun's eyes, which had closed, shot open and he looked towards the entry to the sitting room.
"No fucking way…" He said, his arms slowly releasing Liz.
"What is it?" Liz whispered. "Another one of them?"
"No… That was…" Shaun started, trailing off as he slowly made his way into the sitting room, cricket bat at the ready.
As he turned the corner, his jaw dropped at the sight before him. Ed was seated on the couch playing Tekken 2 and smoking a cigarette.
"Ed…?" Shaun squeaked out.
"What?" Ed inquired, not looking away from the TV.
Shaun approached, looking at his friend cautiously. "You… Your not dead."
Ed laughed a bit. "Are you on something? 'course I'm not dead."
"But… You were a zed… Then you got bit by a vampire." Shaun said, extremely perplexed.
"What the 'ell are you blabbering about?" Ed asked, looking over at him.
Shaun couldn't stop himself, he rushed over, hugging Ed tightly. "I cant believe it!" He said, on the verge of tears.
"Jeez man, if I'd have known you were really gay I wouldn't of said anything at all!" Ed said, pushing him off. "Ease off, I'm tryin' to kill this bastard…" He said, trying to return to his game.
"Ed!" Liz shouted from the entry-way and rushed over to hug him as well.
"What the hell is this?! A bloody care bear convention?" He demanded, pushing them away. "And since when are you back with 'er anyway?" He asked Shaun.
"Since… Wait… You don't remember?"
"Last thing I remember was dozing off after Pete threw your Electro record out the window." Ed said, returning to the battle in his game.
Shaun looked at Liz quizzically, then at the bite mark on Ed's throat. "So… What happened to your neck then?"
Ed touched the spot, looking at the blood. He just shrugged a bit and continued playing. "I dunno, musta slept on it wrong or something, didn't really pay much attention to it."
After a VERY long explanation (made longer because of Ed's short attention span between Tekken 2 and Shaun's talking). Ed stared blankly at Shaun and Liz.
"So your telling me that there was a huge outbreak of Zombies walkin' around and I was one of them? Doesn't sound much like me…" He said, shaking his head.
"Well it's the truth, and now there are vampires after us, so we HAVE to get out of here now."
"I'm not goin' anywhere, I got 3 more fights to go through before the boss…"
Shaun went over to the xbox and shut it off quickly, evoking an angry snarl from Ed as he leapt like a flying squirrel across the room and grabbed Shaun by the collar of his shirt, slamming him against the wall. As he did, his eyes glowed a bit, but right when he realized what he was doing, he dropped Shaun to the ground again. "Oh… Sorry bout that… Don't know what came over me… Musta been Noodle's new stuff he sent me."
"Ed… I think we have to kill the master vampiress before you completely turn into one of them." Shaun said, straightening his shirt. "Maybe you'll even become completely normal again if we do."
"I'm already normal though." Ed said, biting a hole in a beer can with his fangs and drinking from it.
A few minutes later, Liz was climbing into a taxi cab, looking sadly at Shaun, tears in her eyes. Shaun solemnly waved goodbye to her and he and Ed watched as the car drove off into the night.
"Alright, lets get to it then…" Shaun said, turning to Ed, who was itching his neck.
"Ya know… I think you may 'ave been right, man… This bloody cut doe'nt even hurt, but it must be pretty bad…"
Liz looked back at Shaun and Ed before their flat disappeared behind a corner as the car turned. She sat forwards in the seat and sighed deeply. "So… Goin' on a trip?" The cabbie inquired.
"Yeah, you could say that…"
"Visiting a friend in Manchester."
"Oh no your not senorita…" The cabbie said flatly.
"What?" Liz asked, concerned by his tone.
"Your going down to the pub."
Suddenly, the cabbie spun around, baring his fangs and hissing. Liz screamed, swinging her purse with all her might, smashing him in the face and knocking him back to the front seat. Liz clawed at the door, but just as it opened, the hulking figure of Razor Charlie shoved into the car, back-handing her across the face and knocking her unconscious.
Shaun and Ed strolled down the road, not speaking. Or rather, Shaun didn't speak. Ed as usual wouldn't STOP speaking.
"So this whole vampire thing is bollocks, I mean, I cant even have a few beers anymore without pukin' it up. I hope this vampire bitch is a screamer though, should be fun to take her out, maybe I could giver 'er a bit of a nibble, eh?" He said, laughing and nudging Shaun as though he didn't have a care in the world.
"Look Ed, I'm really glad to have you back and everything, but do you think you could focus a bit here? We're not exactly on our way down to the pub…"
"I thought that WAS where we were going though."
"Well we are, but you know what I mean, these vampires are pretty serious fuckers."
Ed shrugged, starting to whistle cheerily as they walked, Shaun slung his cricket bat over his shoulder, checking to make sure his weapons were all ready as well. He'd rigged up wooden stakes all along his belt and Ed was carrying a super-soaker full of holy water. Shaun made sure the crucifix was firmly in place on the face of the cricket bat before they turned the corner, spotting the Winchester straight ahead. The pub was still all lit up, but there was an obvious lack of activity inside.
"Alright… Its go time." Shaun said, flipping the bat in his hand.
Ed scoffed next to him. "That the best one-liner you could come off with?" He asked, shaking his head. "I would've expected more."
"Well why don't YOU try being all witty in the face of danger, then?" Shaun said incredulously.
"Well you could'a said something like 'hope they're ready for dinner, cause be brought some stake!' or something like that."
Shaun opened his mouth to speak, but stopped, pondering that a moment. "Your right, that was better…"
A few moments later, the front doors of the pub flew open, slamming against the walls on either side. Shaun and Ed rushed in, weapons ready for action. "Alright, hope your ready for dinner, cause we brought some Stake!" Shaun shouted, looking around… At nobody. "Bloody hell, why do I even bother?"
"Oh don't worry, slayer…" Santanico said, appearing on the stage. "You had an audience…"
Shaun and Ed spun around towards the stage, Ed leveling the soaker at her. "This that main cunt in charge?" He asked.
Shaun nodded. "Yeah, that's the one…"
Santanico grinned deviously, stepping down from the stage. "I don't think you want to do that, slayer… Not if you don't want anything to happen to your little girlfriend that is."
Shaun smirked. "Yeah, too bad for you she's long gone, out of your reach!"
Just as he said this though, the curtains on stage opened to reveal Liz strapped to a cerimonial statue covered in blood stains. The statue was a multi-armed vampire god, all the arms connecting to the body right where Liz's neck was, with slots for blood to seep to all the hands, where bowls sat to collect it.
"Bollocks…" Shaun said, his eyes going wide with fear.
Ed, who had become side-tracked by a bag of hog lumps on a table, suddenly took notice. "Oye.. Didn't she go to Manchester?" He asked Shaun, pointing to Liz.
"Shaun! Get out of here now! Don't worry about me!" Liz pleaded, struggling against the straps in futility.
"Don't worry babe… I've come to get you." Shaun said, raising the bat before him to show the cross. Santanico hissed at him and backed away a bit. "Yeah, now I think you should just let her go and maybe nobody has to get hurt." Shaun said confidently.
"What are you talkin' about? We gotta kill her so I can turn back." Ed said stupidly, Shaun slapped himself and Santanico chuckled.
"So he IS one of us, then…"
Before she could continue though, Shaun sprinted across the pub, leaping through the air and swinging the bat at her head. Just before the wood contacted though, Razor Charlie burst up from the wood floor, tackling Shaun in mid-air. The bat was deflected and smacked into his back, burning a cross-shaped scar into his flesh.
Charlie screeched in pain, slamming Shaun to the floor. As he screeched, the back doors burst open and all the patrons that had come to the Winchester that day came running out into the main room. Ed shouted a battle cry, opening fire on them with the super soaker.
As he took down the first few, the others backed off, staying just outside the limited range of his pound-shop weapon. Shaun struck out with his leg, tripping Razor Charlie and spinning around back to his feet. As he did though, a male vampire leapt off the bar and landed right on his back, choking him from behind.
"Ed! Get him off me!" Shaun shouted for help.
Ed spun around. "Right Shaunie!" He yelled, spraying the vamp.
"NO!" Shaun yelled as the vampire lit ablaze… Right on his back. He thrashed around wildly to shake the burning creature off, eventually just throwing himself through a table in order to free himself, rolling around on the ground to put out the fire on his shirt.
He got back to his knees, but only just in time to be kicked across the bar by Charlie, sending him slamming into the bar-top and rolling behind it. Charlie approached, cackling evilly as he bared his fangs.
Shaun suddenly burst up from behind the bar, wielding a broken beer tap and launched himself across the counter into Charlie, driving the tap into Charlie's heart. The wooden handle penetrated his heart and Charlie's eyes went wide as he toppled to the floor. "Impossible!!!" He shouted before bursting into flames.
Ed sprayed another vamp in the face, then rushed over to Shaun. "Yea boyee!" He shouted, clapping Shaun on the back. "Go get your girlfriend, I'll hold them back."
Shaun looked around, but couldn't locate his lost bat, so he grabbed a pool cue from the table, snapping it across his knee to sharpen one end and rushed towards the stage, whacking a vampire in the face and staking it before jumping up to Liz's position.
"Shaun, get me out!" She pleaded.
"No worries, love." He said reassuringly, pulling the straps off.
"Oh good, your all brave, makes your blood so much sweeter!"
Shaun's eyes widened. "No, not you too, Liz…" He said, backing away.
"Don't worry darling, it feels so good to be one of them… Share the experience…"
Shaun stared at her, tears forming in his eyes. "No, you don't wanna be dead, babe…"
"Oh but I do… Trust me, you'll enjoy it. Now hold still!" She shouted, lunging for him.
Shaun reacted quickly, dropping down onto his back and driving his feet into her chest, flinging her past him and through a table below. He cringed as she shattered the wooden top. "Sorry babe…"
"Don't worry, she didn't feel a thing, and neither will you!" Santanico said, bursting through the curtain and attacking Shaun from behind. Shaun screamed and tried to avoid her, but she latched onto his back, snapping at his neck with her fangs. Shaun leaned forward, thrashing his hands around to keep her head away from his throat. "ED! HELP!" Shaun shouted, spinning around near the edge of the stage.
Ed bashed a vampire in the face, spraying it through the chest and setting it ablaze, trying to take them out before he got pinned in a corner. "I'm a bit busy here, man!" He shouted back.
Shaun threw himself back-first at a wall, knocking the vampiress off his back, then toppled to the floor. Before he could even react, she was back to her feet. "You will be my dog! You will only be given enough blood to survive and suffer eternity in constant thirst!!!" She screamed angrily.
Shaun got back to his feet, but she kicked him right in the chest, sending him flying off the stage into the wall, knocking the dart board off the wall. He groaned, gasping for breath and looking around for something to fight her off… And spotting the throwing darts.
Shaun snatched up the dart, getting back to his feet. "How bout a game of dartsies?" He said, aiming and throwing the dart with all his might at Santanico's heart.
It struck home, piercing her skin and making her freeze in her tracks, looking down at the dart, her eyes wide. Shaun grinned. "Bullseye."
Santanico looked up at him again and grinned back. "Are you stupid? it's a dart. You have to hit my HEART to kill me, moron!"
Shaun backed against the wall, fresh out of ideas, Santanico leapt into the air, shooting at Shaun, her fangs bared, aiming right for his throat. Shaun suddenly spotted his cricket bat under a table ahead of him and dove for it, rolling and grabbing the bat, coming up right underneath Santanico and swinging as hard as he could, bashing the dart through her ribs into her undead heart.
"NOOOOOO!!!" She screamed, clutching at her chest. Ed glanced over just in time to see this and smiled at the fact that she was grabbing her own tit… But as he watched, her head morphed into that of a snake and her body burst aflame, turning to sludge and hitting the floor in a puddle. "Ooohhh… Boner killer…" He said to himself.
As soon as Santanico liquefied, the vampires all froze, seizing up where the stood and toppling to the ground in a heap. Ed included.
Shaun rushed over to where Liz had fallen, tossing the table off of her and shaking her. "Liz, wake up babe, come on, wake up!" He pleaded.
After a moment, Liz's eyes fluttered open and she looked around confusedly. "Shaun? What happened?"
"You… You got kidnapped by the vampires." He said, leaving out the whole undead part.
"And you saved me?" She asked, smiling.
Shaun shrugged. "Well, not to brag, but yeah, I did."
"I probably should have figured." She said, kissing him sweetly.
"Oh bloody 'ell, enough of this mushy shit…" Ed said, getting to his feet painfully.
Shaun and Liz got to their feet, looking at their friend. "Ed… Are you…?"
"Human?" Ed asked, looking himself over. "Well, everything hurts right now, so I'm guessing so…"
Shaun and Liz laughed with relief, then looked around at the once again living patrons getting to their feet. "I think its time to get out of here, now." Shaun said. Liz and Ed nodded, following him out of the pub quickly.
As they headed back to their flat, Shaun sighed. "Ya know… I think I need a holiday… Somewhere without dead things trying to kill us."
"Us?" Liz asked, smiling.
"Of course, I did promise you we'd go on holiday didn't I?"
Ed shrugged. "Fine, I could use the alone time."
Shaun laughed. "Ed, you've been locked up in a shed for months by yourself.
"Yeah, but I cant remember it, must 'ave been nice…" He said, lighting up a cigarette.
"Shaun!" Liz shouted. "Hurry!"
Shaun came bounding down the steps of the flat to the front door. "I know, I know!" He said, pulling a suitcase behind him. "Ed, have you seen my ticket?" He asked, digging through his pockets.
Ed leaned forward, snatching up a ticket to Greece, tossing it to Shaun. "There ya go. See? What would you do without me 'ere?"
Shaun caught the ticket, pocketing it quickly, smiling. "Your right Ed. I love you so much!" He said, feigning a faint and landing in Ed's lap, kissing him on the cheek.
"Oy, fuck off, man!" Ed said, shoving him off. "Go on your bloody holiday, I gotta beat all my old high scores… I sucked as a zed."
Shaun laughed and waved goodbye as he closed the door behind him, rushing to meet Liz at the cab…