Don't have a clue where this fic came from, I'm just glad it did since I've got attrocious writer's block.

Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood. If I did, there'd be more Jack/Ianto moments


Family Issues

Ianto wasn't sure what to make of the man in front of him that had just entered the hub with a woman and, of all people, Captain Jack Harkness. The adoration Jack was smiling with as the man strolled around the Hub like he'd been here hundreds of times and was just checking out the changes that'd been made, was verging on creepy. Ianto was having trouble processing that his captain was standing there, so he focused on the strange man instead for the moment.

The man was as tall as Jack, and was dressed in a similar style. Pin-strip suit, cream Converses, and a long brown coat that was very like Jack's. With thick, slightly wild brown hair, clever, sharp brown eyes and a small smile on his face, there was something decidedly 'mad scientist' about him. His hands were stuck in the pockets of his suit and he seemed to look moderately impressed by the Hub.

"It's not bad." he said, after a lenght of time. He had an English accent. "Although, given the slight grown feeling of the place I might sue for copyright reasons."

"Hey! Your TARDIS isn't the only thing that grows." said Jack in an indignant voice, but he was grinning.

"Yeah but... it was the first one."

The woman who'd come with the woman was silent, but she smiled, entertained by the banter.

"Sir?" Ianto folded his arms, feeling confused as he stared down at them from his vantage point of outside Jack's office.

"Ianto! There you are!" Jack cheered, bounding up the steps to where Ianto was standing, and kissed him like he hadn't been kissed before.

"Oh I say Jack!" The Englishman chuckled, strenghtening his accent to mock the phrase. Ianto wondered who the hell he was while Jack stuck his tongue in Ianto's mouth. Ianto promptly forgot about everything else. When Jack pulled away, Ianto spotted the surprised look on the woman's face.

"Sir?" was all he could say, hundreds of questions in his voice. The rest of the team were in the Himilayas, off on some job. Ianto had stayed behind to man the fort, and keep an eye out for Jack.

"Ianto, this is the Doctor, and Martha Jones. They're friends of mine." Jack's hand on the small of his back as he led him down to the other two. Ianto shook their hands, smiling at them. He then furrowed his brow. Jones. Why did he know that name from somewhere? He knew it was his own last name, but a black person with a surname of Jones... why was that ringing a bell?

"Nice to meet you."

"Ianto is my general support man, and he makes the best coffee this side of the universe. And he looks good in a suit."

Ianto smiled at the praise. "Do you need to tell people that every time you introduce me?"

"What? That you look good in a suit? It's the truth." Jack put his arm around Ianto's waist.

"I don't suppose you could pour us a cuppa. I could do with some caffine." said Martha, smiling at him. Ianto nodded.

"Of course. Doctor?"

"Oh... oh go on then." smiled the Doctor. Ianto nodded and walked away from the three, glad he could do something normal.

The phone rang. Jack glanced up at Ianto who shrugged. He knew it wasn't the team because they'd called in only half an hour before. Jack shrugged as well and said,

"Let the machine get it."

"Yes sir."

The phone rang a few times, there was a beep, and then a high pitched, nasally voice rang from the speaker. Ianto's heart stopped and he whipped around, running for the phone, but he wasn't able to drown the voice out.

"Hi Ianto! It's me! I dunno where you are at the moment but I need to talk to someone-"

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Martha. Ianto cringe as the voice continued,

"-Clive dumped me! He fucking dumped me for that bitch of an ex-wife of his. I gave him everything and-"

Ianto managed to grab the phone at last and he brought it to his ear,

"Annalise, look, I can't talk to you right now. I'll call you back later, ok?" Ianto hung up before Annalise could respond. He grimaced as he realised if he didn't call her back, she'd ring him again.

"You know Annalise?" demanded Martha, standing alarmingly close to Ianto. Ianto's eyes widened.

"You know Annalise?"

"Who's Annalise?" asked Jack.

"Martha's dad's ex-girlfriend who he divorced Francine for and then dumped to get back together with Francine." whispered the Doctor. Ianto heard him and wanted to hide.

"Oh... this is awkward."

"Well that answers your question. Now answer mine!" said Martha to Ianto, who wished Myfanwy would show up and carry him away. This woman may have been petite, but she was very scary. Where were creepy countryside cannibals when you needed them?

"Annalise is my cousin." 'Much to my misfortune.'

"You're related to the woman that broke up my family?"

"That's not his fault." said Jack, trying and failing to hide a grin. Ianto wanted to kick him.

"I should hit you for being related to her."

Ianto flinched, expecting to be hit, then the kettle whistled.

A moment later Jack laughed to himself, "I've never seen him move that fast. Not even when we're about to-"

"Jack, stop it." said the Doctor, grimacing. He didn't need to be psyhic to know what Jack was talking about.

Jack chuckled, and laughed even more when, in true Ianto style, Ianto gave them their coffee, but managed to do it without anyone seeing him. He didn't reappear again until the Doctor and Martha were about to go. His manners wouldn't allow him to hide forever.

Martha looked Ianto over and said, "You're related to the woman who broke up my family. The woman who gave my brother a 75p bar of soap for his 21st birthday is your cousin." She pursed her lips, looking Ianto over again, "Sucks to be you."

Ianto met her dark eyes and said, with all sincerity, "You have no idea. You really don't."

The Doctor chuckled, "Well we'd best be going. Lots to do. I'll see you around Jack. Ianto, nice to meet you... any man who can handle Jack Harkness in work and bed is a man worthy of great admiration and respect, and possibly a section in a madhouse."

Ianto gave a little smile, "Thank you Doctor. It was nice to meet you both."

"I hope Annalise won't give you too much of an earache about my dad." said Martha, looking amused now.

"I just set the phone to one side and keep going with my paperwork. She never notices."

"I'll bet she doesn't." Martha shook her head and looked him over, "How are you two related? A dashing young man like you and... her?"

"When I figure that out, I'll give you a call."

"You'd better." Martha threw him a slighly flirtatious wink and then sauntered off after the Doctor who looked highly entertained, although that might have been at Jack's face more than anything. When they were gone Jack decided he'd have to teach Ianto to remember who he was with. Ianto was an eager student.

Like I said, no idea where this came from.

Since this is my first humour one-shot and Torchwood fic, reviews are greatly appreciated

Night's Darkness