Everyone Else is Doing IT
Naruto and Sasuke bond unconventionally over XXX Yaoi fanfiction. Neji turns out to have an interesting talent or two. Gaara is Gaara. Psychotic and unpredictable, with a penchant for black. SasuNaru & plotcentric NejiNaru.
(It's like mandatory for everyone to do one of these fanfiction-reading fics. Really. I read it somewhere.)
A/N 2016: The formatting got all jacked and section breaks were lost, making this a confusing mess. I'm attempting to go back through and fix all of that. Le sigh. Also, making some small edits to improve clarity of the story, and killing typos that somehow made it through. Basically shining this up like I did for The Hyuuga Swap not all that long ago.
Disclaimer: The series Naruto and all characters contained therein (Neji, Sasuke, Lee, Sakura, Temari, Kankuro, Gaara, Kiba, Hinata, etc.) are property of the creators (not me) and the artist who created it and made ninjas, once and for all, cooler than samurai: Masashi Kishimoto. Props to whoever else worked on Naruto and have copyrights, and I can assure you that none of them were me. THIS DISCLAIMER HOLDS TRUE FOR THE ENTIRE FIC. I do not own Naruto, and do not see a change in this as being imminent (I am very sad about this however. I'm sure you understand.). Therefore I will not be repeating this at the beginning of each chapter. Thank you.
Part 1: Curiosity Killed The
Naruto gasped loudly, doing a double take at the glowing screen. The pixilated text swam before his eyes, and he impatiently waited for it to come back into focus so he could verify what he thought he'd just read.
"No way!" He screeched, nearly falling out of his chair. Thoughts of the impossible swirled through his head. "No way," he said again when the initial shock of horror passed.
"That's just… wrong," he found himself mumbling this to the screen his nose was suddenly in danger of touching. Him and Sasuke? What was the world coming to? It's not like there weren't enough girls to pair him with… Sakura, Ino, Ten Ten, Hinata… He blanched. Ok, maybe Hinata was going a bit far. He shuddered. Those fics were always the same – she miraculously was transformed into a veritable sex goddess sometime during or after puberty, and he inevitably fell in lurve with the shy (but now not stuttering girl) and after a short, perfect, mind numbing romance, they hooked up. Then again, being paired with the other girls wasn't much better, but it was nice seeing himself getting so much action.
What was it that made them put him with Sasuke-bastard? If they wanted something different, they could've always thrown him in with Temari. That was a rarity.
It was maybe a vice of vanity that he lurked on fan-sites seeing what people would chose to write about him, laughing when they described him as a golden, greek god with women swooning from a mere glance of his azure orbs, though the flattery secretly pleased him. But it had become a bit dull, so he had branched out, perusing sites he had previously dismissed, and somehow he had stumbled into the world of YAOI.
He saw himself paired with Neji (made sense, with all that long hair, right? he thought), Gaara (he shuddered, the redhead was incurably psychotic, that probably wouldn't end well), Sasuke (stupid bastard, they'd kill each other as soon as kiss each other. Well – except for that one time, but that didn't count!), Rock Lee (nice guy, but GUH. Dry heaving here), Kakashi (ew.), Gai-sensei (HURL), Iruka (bleh. Incest-ish), Kiba (please don't let the dog be involved), Shino (ick. Bugs), and the list went on and on and on. But the majority, the vast majority starred him and his dark haired rival. What could these fangirls POSSIBLY see as sexy about him and that smug asshole?
Clicks of the mouse could be heard in the small room. His blue eyes skimmed the text rapidly, his brow furrowed. He was, above all else, insatiably curious.
"Naruto," Sasuke breathed, sending shivers down Naruto's spine as warm breath caressed his neck. Silken black hair brushed his cheek.
"W-what?" he gasped out as lips found his ear.
"The fangirls are right about us," The dark haired boy said engagingly. "You were born to give into me."
The words seared him, making his stomach flutter almost painfully.
"They're – insane—," he struggled to get out as Sasuke's hand brushed down his stomach. He flushed violently "No- Not there!"
"AAAAAAArrrrrrgh!" Naruto awoke and sprang bolt upright from his bed, the vision of Sasuke's dark eyes emblazoned on the backs of his eyes. They had no business looking like that! And he'd never seen them like that in the first place, so where was this –
"Damn crazy yaoi fangirl sites!" he moaned into his hands, falling back into bed. He'd stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, trying to unravel the mysteries of 'sasunaru' and had ended up doing nothing but warping his mind into having nightmares. The feel of Sasuke so close to him clung like cobwebs to his memory, the feel of his hand sliding down his stomach…
…was the most horrible thing he had ever experienced, he told himself as his body flushed. And, it was a complete waste of time. Trust girls to find something meaningless to occupy themselves with.
Naruto threw back the sheets and shuffled off to shower. He was supposed to meet his team for training in… he looked at the clock beside the bed… one hour. Plenty of time! He hopped into the bathroom and started the shower going, waiting until the air was thick with steam before plunging under the spray. He let his mind wander to the slightly scandalous, as he was prone to do in the morning. Sakura, he thought, imagining her (rarely seen) cute face. He could look forward to seeing her in just a little while…
Suddenly, the image of the pink haired girl batting her eyelashes demurely over a bared shoulder was replaced with smoldering coal black eyes, ink black hair, and a lot more ivory skin than an exposed shoulder. Naruto shook his head fiercely, trying to rid himself of the image as it tightened something low in his belly.
"GodDAMN, I'm hungry," he said loudly, trying to ignore what had just happened. He turned the water off and leapt from the shower, toweling himself off roughly. "Time for some RAMEN!" he cheered in false exuberance.
He tore down the hallway, grabbed an instant noodle cup, threw a mug of water in the microwave to heat, then hopped from foot to foot while he waited.
"Sasuke," he muttered. "Peaky bastard. Doesn't make any sense."
He looked at the microwave. One minute to go.
"Teme," he growled, "I'm gonna kick your ass extra hard today." He could just see that self-satisfied smirk on the pale bastard's face as he told Naruto how much he sucked, and would never beat the skill of an Uchiha. Ha. We'll see about that!
"I told you that you couldn't beat me, Dobe."
Sasuke had Naruto pinned to the ground, a hand twisted behind his back. Naruto craned his neck to check, and sure enough the bastard was wearing his signature self -satisfied smirk.
"Arrrrghh!" Naruto yelled in frustration. He was getting his ass handed to him in this training session and, to make matters worse, those fan sites had corrupted his mind. He was unaccustomedly aware of Sasuke straddling his back, even though that was a perfectly normal position for someone executing this kind of submission hold on their opponent.
"Loser buys lunch," the dark haired boy reminded him with relish.
Naruto, full of unwarranted enthusiasm (as usual) had challenged the Uchiha straight out, proclaiming that he'd trounce him thoroughly. The dark haired boy snorted. "We'll see," he said, a gleam in his eye.
'I'll bet you lunch!' Naruto had shouted and attacked.
"Hey… Sasuke?" Naruto poked at his soba noodles, disliking the fact that they weren't ramen, and that Sasuke had insisted on a restaurant that wasn't Ichiraku.
"Mn?" Sasuke has just taken a bite of his green curry.
"What do you know about 'YAOI'?"
Sasuke promptly choked.
"Oh my god, Sasuke! Don't Die!" Naruto jumped up and started beating the Uchiha boy on the back. Right on the snooty little ping pong paddle clan symbol. Heh.
Sasuke was waving his arms, trying to ward the blonde off so he could swallow. He finally managed - not to dislodge Naruto, but to get his food down the right pipe. He leaned heavily on the table, gasping for breath while Naruto continued to bludgeon him. "Dobe!" he finally hissed. He wanted to yell, but there were enough people staring as it was.
Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the front of his horrid orange jumpsuit and pulled him down into the chair next to him. He then frowned mightily and tried to resume his meal.
"So have you?" Naruto asked.
"Have I what?" Sasuke snarled.
"Heard of Yaoi?"
Naruto leaned in, peering at his companion with an expression that was half inquisitive, half accusatory. "Well?" he demanded petulantly.
Sasuke gave up trying to eat with a scowl. His elbow was impeded by the blonde when he tried to raise his chopsticks to his mouth. "Yes," he growled, "who hasn't?!"
Naruto sat back. "Really? It was news to me! I mean, they had me paired with like, the whole universe, even YOU."
"Me and you?" the black-eyed boy repeated dumbly. "You're kidding."
"Nope. And we seem to be the most popular choice, hands down."
Sasuke looked like he'd swallowed a bug.
"Hey, Sasuke-bastard, if you knew all about yaoi, why didn't you know about that?"
"I try to avoid our fandom."
"Because too many girls like to pair me with my psychotic older brother."
"Maybe you should be glad you don't have relatives."
"Well, sorta I do. Iruka. They pair me with him. And Gaara who is also psychotic."
"Sooo, if you know all about yaoi, but don't look at our fandom, what DO you look at?"
Sasuke delivered him a most withering look of disgust. "Nothing," he said.
Naruto personally thought it was suspicious that Sasuke knew enough about their fandom to know he got paired with Itachi. He hadn't seen anything like that in his precursory searches, so Sasuke must have been going deep. He made a mental note to look for Sasuke x Itachi fics. Just for a lark.
"Well, it's always nice to have a meal with such an amazing conversationalist," Naruto said by way of goodbye.
"Hn," Sasuke huffed.
Naruto grinned at the expected response, waved, and let himself out of the restaurant. He was about 10 paces away when he heard the enraged Uchiha yell after him.
"NARUTO! You were supposed to pay!"
"'Oh, god, Naruto, you're…so… sexy,' Sasuke moaned as he writhed beneath him, his pale skin glistening with sweat."
Naruto sat wrapped in a fluffy blanket, drinking hot cocoa, and reading what was essentially porn. Porn between him and his prickly friend/rival. It was ridiculous. It was laughable. Yet somehow, it was also kinda hot.
He tried to stay away, but his mind just kept circling back to the same thing. So here he was, hours later, riveted to his computer, feeling slightly guilty and feeling more than a little hot and bothered. Would things be this interesting if he and Sasuke really were to –
A chime sounded as a small box popped up.
Uchiha1 : Stop it, Dobe.
Ramenluvr : stop what bastard?
Uchiha1 : You're on those yaoi sites, aren't you?
Ramenluvr : …no
Uchiha1 : Stuff it, Uzumaki. I've been calling your cell for over an hour now, and you always pick up.
Ramenluvr : ?!
Ramenluvr : oh shit you have
Ramenluvr : sorry? what did you call for?
Uchiha1 : Kakashi cancelled on us tomorrow. He asked me to let you guys know.
Ramenluvr : so you called sakura too? you have her number?
Uchiha1 : Well, yeah.
Ramenluvr : 48ytrwliuk4! why don't i get to have her number?
Uchiha1 : Because for some ungodly reason, you seem to like her, and all you'd do is harass her. Kakashi seemed to think it was bad idea to let you get a hold of it.
Ramenluvr : u suk
Uchiha1 : Bite me.
Ramenluvr : actually, funny that you mention that… this one fic…
Uchiha1 : I don't want to hear it.
Ramenluvr : u sure?
Uchiha1 : Yes.
Ramenluvr : ok! as i was saying, there was this one fic
Uchiha1 : Stop it.
Ramenluvr : and you were all like a damsel in distress, right?
Uchiha1 : Naruto, quit it.
Ramenluvr : with flowing ebony locks, a sultry pout
Uchiha1 : I'm warning you…
Ramenluvr : and skin like polished ivory /snicker/
Uchiha1 : #$$!#$
Ramenluvr : rofl
Uchiha1 : Don't make me come over there, Dobe!
Ramenluvr : here is an excerpt! XD
Ramenluvr : "Oh, Naruto," The raven haired beauty sobbed, "I am trapped in this castle until my one true love comes to rescue me, but I don't think that will ever come to be."
"Why not?" he asked the other boy with concern, his noble features catching the predawn light.
"No girl is ever going to scale these walls to see me. It just isn't done! Oh how then am I ever to meet my one true love?! I am doomed!" Tears welled out of shimmering ebony eyes.
"No, Sasuke, for I have fallen in love with you!"
The fragile prince gasped. "N-naruto, b-but-!"
Naruto swept the prince into a searing kiss.
Sasuke broke the kiss, breathless. "But we are both men! And the curse…We cannot!"
"I know the other part of the curse," Naruto said gravely. "You must also make love with your chosen one."
Sasuke nodded miserably.
"It may be unprecedented, but I will take you as mine, and make love to you as only a man can love another man!" Naruto's eyes flashed in blue fire, their gaze determined and sensual.
A fierce blush stained Sasuke's cheeks.
"Come, Sasuke, let us break the curse that binds you to this tower with the heat of our love." Naruto swallowed the stammered reply as his lips descended upon the prince's. He lay them gently down upon the cold, rough stone floor-
Ramenluvr : ok I have to stop it there lol
Naruto snickered to himself and waited a few minutes to give the bastard a chance to read and reply.
But no response was forthcoming. He twiddled his fingers, and gulped down the rest of his hot cocoa. But no response was forthcoming. Finally, he couldn't take the wait any longer.
Ramenluvr : you there?
Uchiha1 (automated response) : You. Are. DEAD.
Naruto's eyes got wide. Sasuke was coming here?! Oh shit, he must really be mad! He had to run, hide, something, before Sasuke had time to-
"EEYaaaaAAAhh!" Naruto shrieked as a shadow hurtled through his window and tackled him to the floor. He could tell by the way he was held down that it was Sasuke. "Mercy! MERCY!" he cried out. "I'm sorry Sasuke, I didn't mean it!" Well, that was a load of crap. It was damn funny! He just didn't want to lose limbs and god knew what else because the bastard couldn't take a joke!
"Oh no you don't, you're getting payback for that, you little liar! Where did you find that piece of drivel? I thought the ones with Itachi were bad enough!"
"You know, you sounded more like a princess than a prince," Naruto gasped out from around Sasuke's strangle hold. More of the story floated back to him, and as it did, he began quoting parts, even though Sasuke was trying his hardest to choke off the flow of words. Naruto gasped and wheezed amidst gales of laughter.
Finally, in desperation, as Naruto's narration was fast approaching the consummation scene, Sasuke grabbed the blonde's head and wrenched him into a liplock that rivaled their first and only other kiss.
Naruto squeaked in surprise, as the brunet's mouth covered his. The touch sent heat racing throughout his entire body, followed by a sweeping ache that centered in his lower stomach. Somehow, it was the most amazing thing in the world that he felt Sasuke's tongue tentatively brush against his. His body hummed, gravitating forward into the other boy, wanting to feel more.
The sensations fled suddenly. Sasuke had pulled back. For a brief moment there was a look on his face – a sort of mix between surprise and uncertainty, before his usually scowl flowed back across his face. "That's what you get – " he said, all self-important and surly, but neither his face nor his voice was matching the look lingering in his eyes. "Now don't make me do it again!"
Naruto felt a jolt shudder through him at the thought of it - that something like THAT might happen again. Please, yes!
Was he mistaken, or was there a little color in Sasuke's pale cheeks?
The dark haired boy turned too quickly for him to tell. He went over to the computer, commandeering it and Naruto's chair. He began to click and navigate through the pages that were up. Naruto couldn't really see what he was doing exactly, from his angle on the floor, but he wasn't really looking anyway. The screen cast luminescence upon his friend/rival's face, lighting it in interesting ways amidst the relatively dark room.
Naruto jumped when he realized dark eyes were watching him. He swallowed past the now fast beating of his heart. A very different sort of smirk graced Sasuke's face. One that looked both evil and inviting, peaking up at one corner. It was giving him butterflies.
"I found your payback," he said in a smooth voice, pointing ominously at the screen. He beckoned Naruto closer with a tilt of his head.
"UWAAAHHHHH!" Naruto screeched as he saw his name and…. and…. Jiraya's. That was beyond gross. "Sasuuuukeeeeeee! He'd OLD! And like a perverted father figure to me! How'd you like to read you and your dad?!"
Sasuke barely reacted, but he very quickly said, "You're right." and started clicking furiously.
"Ok, Dobe, this is my last scrap of mercy, I could make this a lot worse. Gaara or Neji."
"Neither!" Naruto crowed out, lunging for the mouse. Sasuke held him off easily, though he had to get creative when Naruto decided to mess with the keyboard.
Naruto fell back with an ooof! as the air left his lungs and he lay stunned on the floor. "Bastard."
Sasuke glared down imperiously. "I heard that. Now pick one already, or I'm going back to the Jiraya one."
Naruto's eye's rolled up into his head at the thought. Uech. Nooooo way. Ok, think, Naruto, he told himself. Lesser evil… lesser evil…. Neji was a stuck up asshole, kinda like the bastard, but Gaara was psychotic. There was no telling what would happen to him in a fic starring the redhead. He could be maimed. Or tortured. Or something so horrific his mind couldn't even come up with it.
"Neji," he said reluctantly. That had to be the safest choice, right?
"Too bad for you. With Gaara, you got to be the seme."
"Eh? What the hell does that mean?"
"It means in the other one, you're Neji's bitch."
"Eeeeeeeeh?" Naruto caterwauled. "I take it back! I want the other one!"
"But he's the girly one! I mean, all that hair and all…and… "
"You think hair is the deciding factor?"
Naruto crossed his arms. "Well, he's got a prettier face too! It only makes sense!"
"I hate to shatter your delusions, but most of these fics peg you as the uke, Dobe. I'm surprised you didn't notice."
"Feh." Naruto scoffed. "Just 'cause I have blonde hair and blue eyes…"
"The workings of your brain are small and limited, aren't they."
Naruto stuck out his lower lip and made a horrible face.
Sasuke began reading aloud:
"So, Naruto," Neji asked silkily, "what brings you to a place like this?"
"I uh, come here for the coffee."
"'Really,' he purred, 'And why would you come all the way to a gay strip club just for coffee, hmm?'
"HEY, I would NOT go to a strip club like that!" Naruto protested, making another try for the mouse.
"Shut up, Dobe."
Sasuke held him off with one arm and continued to read.
"Neji moved in closer, and Naruto felt his pulse start to hammer in his chest. Those strange milk-blue eyes were-"
"Ew," Naruto interrupted, "milk-blue? That sounds like – OW!"
He grumbled indignantly, rubbing the spot where Sasuke had cuffed him in the head.
Sasuke ignored him and kept reading, "-were hypnotic. He couldn't look away, couldn't move.
Neji leaned in, his lips almost touching the blond boy's. 'I've been watching you.' Their lips brushed lightly. 'And I think you come here for more than the coffee.'
'N-no I –,' Naruto squeaked as he found himself practically pinned up against the bar.
'I think you're looking for something… or someone…'
Neji kissed him then, hard and demanding, and Naruto felt his knees buckle. A hand on his lower back was sliding lower, pulling them more tightly together.
'I could be that someone,' Neji breathed against his mouth.
'N-n-no, it's n-not like that, N-Neji-sama,' the blond stammered."
"I would SO NOT SAY THAT!" Naruto howled, ducking Sasuke's fist as it came to silence him. "And they have me stuttering like Hinata for chrissakes!"
"Not to mention, you're about to get pwned by 'girly' Neji," Sasuke observed with amusement, before continuing the torture.
"'I think that's exactly what it's like,' Neji twined a hand through spiky hair that shone as gold as the sun, and admired the smooth tan skin of the other boy's neck as he tilted his head back. 'You watch me too, don't you?'
'N-no!' he protested, weakly trying to push the Hyuuga away."
"'The Hyuuga'," Sasuke snorted. "Makes him sound like some sort of creature or something."
"I noticed that," Naruto piped up. "They love calling you 'The Uchiha' but it makes you sound like some near-extinct animal or something. Hahaha- aah sorry." Naruto amended at Sasuke's glare. With only him and his crazy brother, who even crazier girls loved to stash him with, being the sole survivors of their clan, it was a bit of a sore spot. "'Suke sorry," he mumbled.
Wait a sec!
Naruto repeated the name in his head. Sasuke. Sa-Su-Ke. Sas-Uke.
"Sas – UKE!" He started to laugh uncontrollably. "What the hell, bastard? Tellin' me I'm always pegged as the girl when submission is in your name!"
"That's it, Dobe! I'm finding something with you and Gai!"
Naruto gasped. Noooooooooooooooooooo! He tackled Sasuke out of the chair, his only hope of staving off that horrible fate.
Sakura looked back and forth at them the next day they met for training. She had been looking forward to seeing Sasuke-kun ever since he called her the other day, even if he had sounded a bit curt then. She had never given him her number (Well, she'd tried but he had never taken it) so he must've put his elite ninja skills to work to find her number, just so he could talk to her! Otherwise, why hadn't Kakashi-sensei told her himself? (A/n: because he's lazy)
But today, of all days, when she was certain that Sasuke was going to fess up that his standoffish attitude was merely a way to conceal a deep well of emotion that he didn't know what to do with, and that he had secretly been pining away – He and Naruto show up looking equally bedraggled.
Sasuke usually equated to fastidiousness. She wasn't quite sure what to make of him looking so… askew.
"Saskue-kun," she cooed sweetly, personally hating the tone of her voice when she did that, but she was convinced it's what all the guys went for.
Sasuke made no answer, but glared off at some trees as if he hadn't heard her.
"Hi Sakura-chaaan!" Naruto beamed at her.
Sasuke snorted. That dobe, he was completely wasting his time with that one - the pink menace, he referred to her in his head. He sighed. She was ok when she was being useful, he amended, and not trying to slobber on him… which wasn't very often.
It was truly sad to see the blond idiot try to win her over, wasting his smiles on her when she only had eyes for Sasuke, who wanted nothing to do with her. It was a twisted sort of love triangle. She wanted him, Naruto wanted Sakura… He trailed off. To be a true triangle, he and Naruto… He and… Naruto… His mind frantically tried to process something, and he felt distinctly out of sorts. Forget the triangle analogy, he thought as his pulse hammered in his head, it was wrong. All wrong.
"Where's Kakashi, Sakura?" he asked.
"Oh! Um, he actually mentioned he might be a little late…"
"Dammit!" Naruto screeched. "We could've slept in, Sasuke-teme!"
Sakura whipped her analytical gaze back to them. "What do you mean 'we'?"
"Oh, well you see – "
"We've been training since the other night," Sasuke interrupted smoothly to avoid the trainwreck the blond was likely to have come out of his mouth. "Kakashi suggested it when he told me we'd have yesterday off."
"Oh." Sakura looked a little bewildered. "But then, why didn't you tell me about that, Sasuke-kun?" She looked hurt, and Naruto was giving him a surly look for that.
Sasuke shrugged. "Kakashi told me to train with Naruto," he said simply.
"Oh." She seemed to brighten up a bit. "So what did you guys do?"
Again the dobe opened his mouth, and once again Sasuke had to cut in. "It's more than a little complicated, and not in your area of expertise, Sakura." She blushed and fawned under the attention and the almost compliment. Naruto glared at Sasuke. Sasuke glared back.
"What was the big idea, hogging Sakura all to yourself?" Naruto had his hands thrust in his pockets as they walked home, a scowl on his face.
Sasuke strolled next to him, a bland expression on his own face. "Like I wanted her hanging all over me."
"You were encouraging her!"
"You- You were talking to her! Usually all you do is grunt noncommittally."
"I was trying to keep you from opening your big mouth."
Naruto gaped and huffed at him.
"Oh, come off it, Naruto. You don't even really like her do you? Isn't it just a habit for you to moon over her?"
"NO," he said petulantly. Lately though, in his fantasies, all the Sakuras had turned to Sasukes. And Sasuke was getting more action than Sakura ever did.
"Whatever, Dobe. By the way, you now owe me two meals, since you skipped out on the bill last time."
Naruto slumped forward, slouching down now as he walked. "Stingy."
I wrote many chapters ahead, so expect weekly updates.