Roy doodled a little cat onto his current useless paperwork in the place that normally would have been appropriate for a signature. He had discovered long ago that this was a very good way to deal with paperwork when one was bored beyond all recognition. Of course, he would only dare such a thing when Riza Hawkeye was nowhere in sight. She had as much tendency to shoot him as he had tendency to doodle. And flirt. And date. And never take his job seriously. And ignore his duties. The list of his lieutenant's grievances went on and on. He knew the full thing by heart for the very reason that Riza would scream it to the heavens whilst trying to kill him, or at least trying to make him wet himself at little.
Riza usually succeeded.
"Hmm? Wha-" Roy looked up to find the speaker.
"First off, d'you think Riza's gonna let you live if she sees you doing that?" Havoc asked, peering over the piles of paperwork that were arranged in no particular order to prevent anyone from seeing exactly what Roy was doing instead of what he was supposed to be doing. Roy covered his current doodle with an arm to try to prevent any ash form Havoc's cigarette falling on it. He would protect little Celestine the Kitty to the death. Figuratively speaking.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye is of no concern to me as of now. State your reason for approaching this desk." Roy said.
"Oi, oi, personal bubbles much? And you know that's a lie about the Lt. Anyway, just heard it form Schezka, but she said the Fullmetal came back yesterday night. She said that he'd be coming today to report to you. Should we put extra reinforcement on the doors?"
Roy thought for a moment. "No. They've been kicked so often that maybe they'll fly off the hinges this time. Then we can get some new ones from HQ. I've been asking forever…" Roy went back to finishing his drawing by adding a cute collar to it.
"Just saying…" Havoc walked away to get a new cigarette.
This could end up being trouble. Fullmetal was here only a few months ago. Just two. Usually he stays away for half a year if he can help it. Does that mean he found something? Or something a bit more ominous? Roy didn't like to admit it to his subordinates, but he cared very much about what happened to Ed. It would really suck if Ed got killed or something. Roy almost liked it when Ed yelled at him, because it meant that Ed was perfectly well and healthy. Actually, even if Ed wasn't perfectly well and healthy and well, there would be some sort of yelling happening. Roy was worried.
The door two rooms away made a loud splintering sound.
Speak of the devil and he shall come. Here he is. I may get that request for a new door set after all…
The door from two rooms away exploded with much yelling.
Hmm? That doesn't sound like Ed… Usually Edward is yelling about seeing me and then 'getting the hell out of this dump' as fast as he can…That sounds like grown men. Must not be Ed, he still sounds like he must've when he was 11.
"Hands up! We want to speak to whoever's in charge of this dump!" While the words that permeated the walls of Roy's office were slightly familiar, the voice itself wasn't. Roy yanked on the gloves he hadn't wanted to get ink stains on onto his hands, stepping out of his office.
Three incredibly burly and grungy-looking men had burst into the office. Everyone in the vicinity had their various and sundry weapons out, but each seemed a little hesitant to attack. It was then that Roy saw why: the man on the far right, with the protection of the wall behind him, held a gun to the head of a young blindfolded woman.
The woman was very young, more of a girl. She couldn't have been older than 14. She had very lovely blond hair that was pulled back in a bun with many loose strands hanging in front. She had a perfect face and wore a beautiful kimono that almost made Roy blush, if Roy Mustang hadn't been the man he was. The girl also seemed be out cold.
"You asked to see me?" Roy asked calmly.
"You in charge?"
"You ever taken a grammar lesson in your pitiful life?"
"Listen! We ain't here to screw around! You do us a favour, an' we let the kid go. Deal?" the man in the center yelled.
"Alright. Here's the favour: I don't kill you for ruining my oak door, and you let her go right now. Deal?" Everyone in the office switched their gaze from the man in the middle to the Colonel with such speed that a few of them felt headaches coming on.
"We want you to come with us for a minute, Roy Mustang-Taisa." Said the man holding the girl. He seemed to be the smartest.
Roy smirked for no apparent reason. "Alright, then. But I'd like you to meet a friend of mine first."
"Huh-" the man with the girl went down with a bullet to the spine, his gun dropping to the floor. His comrades were so stunned that they neglected to do anything at all when Roy snapped his fingers twice and ended them.
"Taisa, now you've singed the floor as well. And it was hardwood…" sighed Riza Hawkeye.
"They threatened a lovely young lady. They could not have been forgiven. Speaking of which…" Roy walked over to the girl, still in the man's limp arms and picked her up, depositing her on the floor in front of his desk so she would have something to lean against. Riza glared mental daggers at her superior's head.
"It would appear she's been drugged. Let's just get this blindfold off…"
Everyone stared for the longest time at the face that not one had recognized before.
"Well… Schez' did say he was coming back today…" said Havoc quietly and weakly. His cigarette was on the floor. Another scorch mark for Riza to get mad about.
It was Ed.
It was Ed, in a kimono, hair in a bun, and looking very peaceful, just sleeping on the floor of the office.
"Oh my God." Roy said very matter-of-factly. "I didn't see that one coming."
"I don't think any of us did, sir." Riza said.
Ed moaned slightly in his sleep, twisting. It just so happened that his arms flopped around the Colonel's neck, half-tackling him to the floor. Everyone exchanged faces at this. How could Ed be so very destructive and biased when awake (without caffeine, even!) and so very cute, adorable, and peaceful when asleep? Why, he was practically hugging the Colonel instead of killing him!
Ed pulled Roy closer as a small child might a plushie, burying his face in the Colonel's neck. Roy mouthed the words Help me! To his subordinates, but they were all having far too much fun at his obvious discomfort to do anything.
Roy, his face screwed in embarrassment, tried to edge away from the Fullmetal's kimono-ed arm. No such luck.
Ed had sunk all the way to the floor, taking the Colonel with him. In a final act, he rolled over. Ed was still in possession of Roy's arm. Now, Roy was effectively hugging Ed. He tried to yank away with all of his strength, to no avail.
Roy was beginning to get flustered.
"I am a fully certified State Alchemist – and a COLONEL at that! – and this little SHORTY – ow!" Roy gasped, clutching his nose with the hand that was free. "He punched me! He did it all on purpose; there's no way he could do that if he were out of it! You all saw it! He punched me…"
"Actually, sir, moving about in one's sleep in a very common-"
"SHUT IT! I can't be-lieve this little idiot is treating me like a bloody pillow! And I can't even punish him for it! AUGHGHGHHHHHH!" Roy yelled, hoping at least to wake Fullmetal up. No such luck.
"Taisa, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were enjoying this," mused Riza.
"Good thing you know better, then." Roy said, scowling.
Ed yawned, trying not to look at the light coming in through his window. He had been awake for the past two hours or so, but getting out of bed made his head rush. Mind you, since Ed had low blood pressure, that was almost normal, but rarely for two whole hours.
Damn, Ed thought resentfully, I have to give a report today. Weird dreams, too. I almost don't remember what it was. Damn. Might be nice to totally forget. All right, Ed. Up we go. Now. Any minute. Shazzam. Wonder twin powers, activate. Thundercats, ho…
Ed finally managed to swing himself out of bed and get dressed. Al had gotten up ages ago, because he had the lowest blood pressure of all. He had left a note saying he was off to the market to buy things… and milk. Grumbling, Ed tossed the sticky note.
At the office that day, people who saw him snickered a little, or wouldn't meet his gaze. Ed was still almost asleep, so he almost didn't notice them. But he did.
"Oi, Taisa… What happened to your nose? Whoever clocked you, tell them thanks from me."
The report was uneventful, and Ed never did find out who had broken Roy's nose.
Now Ed was outside the building with Riza.
"… And there were like, seven people looking at me all weird. Half of them were laughing, too."
"Half of seven?"
"Yeah. One almost laughed, but ended up choking on his own spit. He might need a new kidney now. I'm not paying for it." Ed said. "So, any idea why? And something else too…"
"Something else?" Riza prompted.
"At the risk of sounding like a drunk, I honestly can't remember anything that happened last night. Did I do something weird?"
"Oh, nothing stranger than usual, Edward-kun."
(A/N) Hello, everyone! Like it? Review. Now. And just so you know, yes, the title WAS a parody of the show on HGTV. For those who don't know, it was a show about these crazy people who go into people's houses while they were off on some amazing two-day trip somewhere and remodel two rooms (or the backyard, sometimes) of their house. In this case, 'out' means... well, out cold.
I dreamed this one while listening to Tina Arena. I love her stuff.