Disclaimer: Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.
Author's note: This is the story I've wanted to write for such a long time now, I had always held hope for Sev. For those unfamiliar with my writing style: this is intended to be novel length yet will aim to capture small moments in time, therefore each chapter will be quite small. Please don't be afraid to Read and Review.
I knew you.
Sometimes you could gain clues about a person's emotions by looking at their mouth. Tightly drawn grimaces, a lightly held smile, a corner raised in elation, yet all of Lily's clues were held in her eyes. She studied me with her eyes now, I dared not let my own lift to hers but I could feel their gaze sweeping me, perhaps looking at my own mouth for indications of my regret.
"And I suppose you thought blood was a clever afterthought?" She probed.
I couldn't answer, it was stupid and I really couldn't explain why I had done it in the first place. My feet shuffled, my half-formed words slurred.
"How could you be so cruel." I heard the tremor in her voice; it was more a statement then a question.
I took a glance into her eyes, and quickly withdrew them, for the dry emotion there startled me but it did not shock me. By this stage I was well aware of the pain I had caused her, yet I seemed to be at the top of a steep grassy hill. I had felt that inextricable pull that made you want to lie down and roll down, well I was rolling, steadily and quite quickly towards the bottom. Lily and I were the last to leave the potions room, we had just finished our mid-semester preparation exams for our N.E.W.T's. We both loved to experiment with our potions, innocently and unspokenly adding new and varied ingredients to the recipe. Slughorn had recently commended Lily and had cleverly uncovered her addition of a bluebird feather. Slughorn had been unsure of my own potion, it was perfect, better than perfect, and he could not uncover what I added to make it more potent. Lily knew. She was much cleverer and knew my character. I had added a drop of my own blood each time the potion required a left handed stir.
"You disgust me." Her voice echoed out again, and she had taken a step backwards, her eyes still wavering upon my bent form.
Our potions reflected our lives; I knew the reason Lily had used a feather. She felt trapped and yet happy at the same time, she wanted to be lighter, wanted to be free. I used blood to desensitize myself from the world in which I had begun to enter. I thought that maybe it would prove to her that I knew in my heart that blood did not matter, that my blood was less than hers, that I could spare it.
"Lil, I …" I stammered, hating my awkward ways and my trembling voice.
"Just forget about it." She shook her lovely head and began to pack away her books into her bag, doing so in quite an aggressive manner, she had turned and placed her hand on the doorknob.
"Lily. I want you to understand." I forced the words out, I couldn't let her walk away disgusted by me, living each day not knowing who I was. My hand reached out to grasp her retreating shoulder. She spun in my grasp, her eyes betraying her interest; she did not speak, merely shrugged my hand off and pursed her lips.
"Don't think of me like this. I know the blood was a stupid idea, it was cruel and horrible and distasteful. I admit it. I just wanted to make the potion stronger." I couldn't choke out the truth so my lies landed in the air as hollow un-truths.
"Don't insult my intelligence, you tried to impress me. Well, Sev, you've impressed me ok? Strutting your way around corridors with the other Slytherins, cursing muggle-borns, picking on first-years, whispering about the dark arts. It's all very impressive I assure you." Her words came sharp and bitter.
"It's not what it looks …" I was stammering again, trying in vain to gather my thoughts.
"Well I'll tell you what it looks like. It looks like you enjoy the company of people who appreciate your talents, it looks like you want to cause people harm, even yourself. It looks like you've forgotten what you used to be." Her eyes softened as she said her last words, there was pity contained in the depths of those emeralds.
"I knew you." She whispered, her face so close to mine that her words clung to the rough hair on my face like dew on early morning grass. She opened the door behind her and closed it gently on my soul. Leaving me standing where she left me, terribly ashamed yet I continued my decent, down that steep slope.