A/N: So this is a random idea I've had for AWHILE...now I have the steam to produce it. This will be a short bunch of essays...or ramblings from Shizuru Fujino..and MAYBE Viola. I do not know what I have planned for this.

A/N 2: I just realize this had tons of errors in it. I can understand why no one reviewed...but I wrote this one for me because I am Shizuru after all. -jumps onto Kiyohime and stalks Natsuki-

Disclaimer: Shizuru Fujino belong to sunrise...and perhap natsuki, too.

Self Portrait

By Kara Papas

I was trapped by you. Trapped within a gaze I could not describe and yet you remained. So I fell from my fixed hatred when I was within your presence. I am always feeling you, if not directly because you would not have it that way. I catch gentle strands of your midnight tresses that frame and touch your face the way I want to.

I see you always. I see you. They say love is blind. What does that mean? Does it mean love itself is blind? Love cannot see what it seeks. If that is true then finding love would be impossible. I do believe in blinding love and I'm sure you don't know. You can't know what you do to me.

How I am destroyed by you because your childish ways never seem to let you see me the way I wish. Perhaps it is because I know, your focus is not on the world or me, so I act almost the way I wish. However not the way want to be near you. How I want that so badly. How you destroy me with your sudden arrival in my chair at that desk.

Did you know I would cross oceans for you? Did you know I would raise hell for you? Did you know if it pleased you, I would die for you? There is a darker side of this, my insatiable lust. I was at first trapped by your beauty and fantastic innocence. The innocence that was more innocent than a young child's trapped in the body of a fiery woman to be. Yes, the love was simple as it would be simple while butterflies dancing in my stomach would start when you drew near. So I got masks to hide myself from your perspective eyes because at times you see through me, but not this. Love is something I'm certain and sadden that you do not know. I want you to know, but it is wrong, yes?

Yes, it is wrong for me to desire you; to want you. Cycles of reincarnation will prove that no matter how many lives we live I will always love you. I will also desire you. I wanted to say it before but hesitated for I know there are others in the world who don't accept such behavior from a girl to another girl. The fact of women consorting is vile and disgusting and should not be done. The words are strong and burn against my ears after the stinging pain in my heart urged me not to listen. BUT I CANNOT LISTEN TO IT! I refuse my heart will not let me give up and nor do I want to. My love for you is strong enough to convince you that you could love me too. I f I could only tell you how I feel for you. Never…Never….but if anything were to happen. No it won't happen I won't let it happen.

The disgust rolled off my mother face that day as the words followed so simply from my mouth. Her face contorted into a hideous snarl and mouth opened and close in a barking fashion. Her eyes showed much hate and fear than I had ever seen before in my life as those words flew from her to me. They flew like daggers and lashes from whip taking pieces of me at a time. She never once struck me, but she would not see me as I stood there before her. She could not hear me as I valiantly attempted to explain the virtues of what this love could be. It was no different from anything else. And her words she spoke they kept taking more and more of me away. I became vacant and distant.

So upon my return to this cage of a school you appeared to me from the forest where you choose to hide that dangerous contraption you drive to school. You saw me before I saw you. You saw the side of me I had never wanted you to see. You saw the side that desired you, but I was wounded severely from the words of my beloved mother. You ran to me to and gently shook my shoulder as I would not respond to the name you had been calling for it had not reached my ears. My eyes were solemn and pained as I slowly craned my head up as my eyes lazily focused where ever they were directed. Upon my scanning of my surrounding my eyes met yours; my precious beautiful gems of emerald sparkling for me and only for me. Why were you there? You had no words as a slow smile crept on to my face. You never had the ability to console with words. I was not certain if you ever did, but tonight you proved me wrong. You did not console with words, but with your body against mine. What a wondrous feeling to have you arms snake around me holding me so tight. This isn't a dream, its real. Just as how my feelings for you are real.