Title: Because You Live

Pairing: what has it been so far?

Rating: NC 17

Summery: Hisoka is torn apart after Tsuzuki tries to kill himself. Torn between past and present, right and wrong, Hisoka tries to find an answer. Can it be that his answer was with him all along?

Author's note: The italicized words are from the song Because you live by Jesse McCartney.

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart...it's the end of the world in my mind...

Hisoka stared out the window, his heart sinking. Resting his chin in his hands, he watched the constant, unyielding downpour. He felt as if his world caved in. It all happened so fast. First, Muraki took Tsuzuki away from him. Then, his partner almost committed suicide. The gorgeous, amethyst-eyed man he was growing to love almost died. Hisoka covered his eyes with his hand, stifling a cry. "Hisoka?"The boy turned at the soft voice behind him.

Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call...

Hisoka smiled slightly. "Oh...Tsuzuki..." Hisoka stood, walking over to the large bed where Tsuzuki lay. "I didn't know you were awake...How do you feel?" Tsuzuki shut his eyes and turned away. "Ok, I guess..." Hisoka fixed the cover's on the bed. "Tsuzuki..." The amethyst eyes that looked at him wounded him deeply. "Get some sleep." Hisoka said softly, brushing the deep brown hair out of the man's face. Hisoka kissed Tsuzuki's forehead as the man closed his eyes. Walking over to the window, he sat and traced his thoughts.

I've been looking for the answer...Somewhere...

Hisoka shut his eyes. What was happening? Hisoka shuddered as he remembered pulling the man close to him. As he remembered sobbing remarks, fresh tears pricked his eyes. He rubbed at them fiercely with the back of his hand. He had done all but confess his love to Tsuzuki. The only thing that ran thing that ran through his mind was 'why'. Why else would he save Tsuzuki?

I couldn't see that it was right there...but now I know what I didn't know...

Hisoka bolted up straight as realization hit him like a slap to the face. Turning slowly, he draped and arm over the back of the chair. He stared wide eyed at the sleeping figure that lay in the bed. Hisoka took a deep breath as he realized he wasn't breathing. Eyes closed, he stood, opening them as he walked to the bed. Looking down at the man sleeping soundly in the bed, he had found the answer his heart yearned for the moment he met Tsuzuki.

Because you live and breathe...because you make me believe in when nobody else can help...

Because you live...my world has twice as many stars in the sky...

As he touched the man's hand, memories flooded him all to quickly. One hand flew to his head as he groaned in agony. He saw Tsuzuki pulling him closer, cooing remarks of comfort to the boy, who had just killed Tsubaki. Tears flowed down Hisoka's cheeks. He saw all of the tender moments he had shared with Tsuzuki. All of the times they had comforted one another. His quickly pulled his hand away, fiercely wiped at the tears on his cheeks.

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again...cause of you, made it through every storm...

"Hisoka?" Hisoka looked up, seeing Tsuzuki swing his legs off the bed. "Are you ok?" Hisoka nodded, unably to speak. Tsuzuki stood, walking over to the sobbing child. "But you're crying." Hisoka buried his face in his hands, unable to stop the crying that he didn't understand. Tsuzuki gathered the boy into his arms. With a loud sob, Hisoka threw his arm's around his partner, burying his face into Tsuzuki's hard chest. After a short time, Hisoka said, "I realized why I saved you. I found the answer I yearned to find for a while." Tsuzuki gave Hisoka a confused look. "I love you." Hisoka finally said.

What is life, what's the use if your killed inside?

"Hisoka, I– " Hisoka clutched desperately at Tsuzuki's shirt. "Don't you see? Until you, I've never loved. Never known this feeling. I was alive...but not living..." Tsuzuki cradled the child in his grasp. "Come sit down..." Tsuzuki felt the boy nod against his chest. Once they sat, Tsuzuki gently cradled Hisoka against his chest. "I understand..." The man cooed softly. Hisoka had stopped crying, but he still clung to Tsuzuki...almost as if he was afraid to let go.

I'm so glad I found an angel...Someone who was there when all my hopes fell...

Hisoka gazed out the window from where he lay. Tsuzuki was sitting up, leaning against the backboard of the bed. Hisoka laid between the man's legs, his head on Tsuzuki's chest. He closed his eyes, almost falling asleep to the sound of Tsuzuki's steady heartbeat. He was glad e found Tsuzuki. Someone who was always there to hold him and tell him that it was ok.

I wanna fly, looking in your eyes...

Hisoka pushed himself up to look into his partner's stunningly beautiful eyes. Those amethyst eyes made his melt inside...They sent a long time just looking at each other. Hisoka's hand caressed Tsuzuki's face, before vaulting forward, capturing Tsuzuki's lips in a soft whisper of a kiss. "Hisoka?" The boy rested his head on Tsuzuki's shoulder. "I told you, Tsuzuki...I love you...and I know you love me too..."

Because you live...I live...

Tsuzuki nodded as he clasped Hisoka's hands. Gently, he kissed the boy's soft hand. "Of course I do. I've loved you since I laid eyes on you..." Tsuzuki stroked Hisoka's face with the back's of his fingers. Tsuzuki kissed his partner. Cupping the child's face, Tsuzuki deepened he kiss.

Hisoka threw his head back as Tsuzuki kissed his neck. Hisoka grasped his partner's shirt. Pulling on it, he pulled himself closer to Tsuzuki. "This needs to come off..." Hisoka said in a broken whisper. "Uh-huh." Was all Tsuzuki could respond. Hisoka straddled Tsuzuki's waist, tugging the shirt off of the man. Once it was off, Hisoka trailed his soft hands down Tsuzuki's hard chest.

Because you live there's a reason why...I carry on when I loose the fight...

I wan to give what you've given me...always...

Tsuzuki could hardly breathe as Hisoka's velvety tongue slid over his chest. Tsuzuki swallowed hard, tugging as Hisoka's shirt. He felt himself harden as Hisoka slipped out of his shirt. Hisoka took the man's shaking hands, bringing them to his chest.

"I want to give to you what you've given me.." Hisoka whispered as Tsuzuki's hands ran over the boy's chest. "What's that?" The man asked, his hands finding their way down to Hisoka's jeans. "Love...passion..." Hisoka bent over Tsuzuki, nibbling on the man's ear. "Desire..." his Hisoka bit his lip as he heard Tsuzuki exhale breathlessly.

Hisoka's hands found their way to the man's hardened nipples. The boy kissed Tsuzuki's neck before his mouth joined his hands. When leaned to lick a nipple, he realized that his straining member brushed Tsuzuki's. As he licked and sucked on his partner's nipples, he thrust his hips, making their erections rub.

Tsuzuki threw his head back in a soft whimper, before he moaned loudly. Hisoka's mouth had trailed lower until he came to the waist band of Tsuzuki's pajama bottoms. The curious boy slowly pulled them down, glancing up at Tsuzuki, almost as if he was asking permission. Chuckling, Tsuzuki pulled himself into an upright position, then pulled the boy close. He kissed Hisoka, pushing the boy back against the bed.

Hisoka gasped and squirmed under Tsuzuki's touch. Tsuzuki toyed with the boy's nipples with his tongue as his hands trailed to the material over his straining erection. "Ah!" The boy panted as Tsuzuki's hands pulled Hisoka's pants down. Hisoka wad grabbed Tsuzuki's hands, stopping the man from toying with his freed cock.

"Come here..." With a groan of disappointment, Tsuzuki crawled back up to face Hisoka. After a brief kiss, the boy kissed his partner's ear. "Will you still love me in the morning?" Hisoka whispered tenderly. Tsuzuki smiled, kissing the boy once more. "Even if the sun refused to shine, you'd still have my heart. Until the end of days." Tsuzuki whispered.

Hisoka felt his eyes misting as he pulled Tsuzuki close. "I love you, Tsuzuki..." Hisoka drew a deep breath. Before Tsuzuki could speak, Hisoka said, "That's why I want you to take me, my angel." Tsuzuki's eyes went wide as he gasped, looking into those dazzling emerald orbs.

"W-what's wrong?" Hisoka, noticing his partner's look, sat up. "I-it's ok Tsuzuki...y'know...I-I'm not a y-y'know...v-virgin...b-because of what happened...y-y'know...w-with M-muraki..." Tsuzuki felt heartbroken to the point of tears. Taking the child's hand, he laid a tender kiss on the back.

After kissing the boy's knuckles, Tsuzuki pulled the boy closer, cupping his face with his free hand. The man gently kissed Hisoka, before stroking the boy's face. "It's not like that, my love. It's just that...well, I wasn't entirely prepared for that question. Especially coming from you." Tsuzuki kissed Hisoka's hand again, before he continued. "It's just that you're still young and innocent...do you understand?"

Hisoka nodded, his hand enclosing the man's hand on his face. Kissing the palm, Hisoka whispered. "I love you, my darling." Tsuzuki smiled. "I need to tell you something before we go further..." He said hesitantly.

Because you live and breathe...because you make me believe in when nobody else can help...

Because you live...my world has twice as many stars in the sky...

"When I was about to die...there was only one person I could think of. That person was you. I kept thinking 'what will happen to Hisoka?'" Hisoka swallowed hard. "Then when you saved me, I had one thing on my mind: I live...because you live and breathe. You believed in me when nobody else would help. The world just seems...more enjoyable with you around."

Hisoka smiled. He was speechless. All he could do was swallow hard, saying "I love you, Tsuzuki." Tsuzuki kised Hisoka, reigniting his passion. Laying back down, Hisoka pulled off Tsuzuki's boxers, thrusting their erections together. Tsuzuki moaned loudly. "Are you ready?" Tsuzuki whispered.

Hisoka drew a deep breath before nodding. Tsuzuki grabbed the tub of lotion on the night stand. Reading Hisoka's look, Tsuzuki said "Makes it easier. Ready?" Hisoka nodded. Putting the lotion on his finger's Tsuzuki said, "Spread your legs and relax."

Tsuzuki pushed a finger into Hisoka, moaning slightly at the tightness around it. Slipping one more in, he felt Hisoka stiffen and inhale sharply. "Hisoka. Listen to me." Tsuzuki offered the boy hand. Taking it, Hisoka nodded. "Relax, my love." Hisoka closed his eyes as Tsuzuki gently stretched him.

Rubbing lotion on his cock, Tsuzuki positioned himself above Hisoka. Ever so gently, Tsuzuki pushed forward. Hisoka cried out in pain as he fisted the sheets. Pushing forward again, Tsuzuki moaned at the tightness that grasped his cock. Hisoka groaned in agony. Tsuzuki's cock was far bigger than Muraki was.

Hisoka felt a sharp pain rip up his spine as Tsuzuki sheathed himself totally in Hisoka. "Ah!" Tsuzuki threw his head back in a loud moan. Hisoka gasped as Tsuzuki thrust into him again. Hisoka felt his breath catch in his throat, finding it hard to breath as Tsuzuki thrust into Hisoka again. "Ah...Tsuzuki...please!" Hisoka moaned as Tsuzuki thrust into the boy faster, until Hisoka screamed in ecstasy. "Harder! My god! Tsuzuki!"

Hisoka cried out in pleasure. Tsuzuki moaned loudly as he began to pump the boy's cock. Hisoka gasped as Tsuzuki's hot hand moved faster on his cock. Hisoka, letting out a loud moan, came into his lover's hand. Tsuzuki let out a cry of pleasure as he came deep inside of the child. After riding out his orgasm, Tsuzuki collapsed, his hands groping for Hisoka.

Finding Hisokas hands, Tsuzuki entwined his fingers with Hisoka. "Hisoka..." Tsuzuki whispered against Hisoka's neck. Hisoka was still panting when Tsuzuki rolled over onto his back. Propping himself up on his elbows, Hisoka looked at his lover. The boy smiled. He felt...completed. As if an empty space had been filled.

Because you live and breathe...because you make me believe in when nobody else can help...

Because you live.....

My world has everything I need to survive

Hisoka smiled. He had everything he needed. Right here, in the grasp of his love. Hisoka lay against Tsuzuki as the man's strong arms held him close. "Tsuzuki..." The man's hand began to play with Hisoka's soft wheat-colored hair. "Mm?" Hisoka paused, playing with Tsuzuki's hand. "D-do you think we could...um...ever g-get..." Tsuzuki waited for the boy to continue. When he didn't Tsuzuki said, "We could get what?"

Hisoka cleared his throat. Tsuzuki smiled at Hisoka's flushed face. He thought the boy looked so cute when he was tongue-tied. "W-we could get...y'know...married." Tsuzuki swallowed hard as he mulled the thought over. "There's no one I'd rather spend the rest of my life with, then you." Hisoka grinned as he felt Tsuzuki kiss his head. "I love you, Tsuzuki." Tsuzuki kissed Hisoka's hand. "Until the end of days, my darling."

Because you live... I live

I live...