A/N In the light of... Er... Not wanting to do my English assessment that's due tomorrow (the one that I will in all likelihood get a zero for) I have produced this little one shot. Which will be followed by several other one shots centered around the first war.

This is told from Lily's perspective. The next one will probably be from Sirius'. Enjoy :)


Wonder

Its funny how nothing ever turns out the way you expect isn't it? Like you say to God, 'I know exactly what's going to happen next and I'm prepared' and just to spite you he does the exact opposite. I wonder if I ever knew that in school when I planned how my life would turn out. I can't remember anymore if I did.

I gaze out the window and look across the street. There's a muggle family out there. One Dad, one Mum and one little boy racing around the garden with not a care in the world. His parents are watching him proudly and laughing at all the tumbles he takes.

I glance back at the stairs and I wonder if James and I will ever laugh at Harry tumbling onto the grass in the front garden. I wonder if James, Harry and I will ever set foot in the garden in the first place.

I wonder if we'll ever have a garden party out there if all this horror ends. I wonder if Sirius will bring his girlfriend of the month and introduce her as Sally when she's actually Dianna. I wonder if Remus will have that tired look on his face that he sometimes has because he's thinking about things too big and worrisome for the rest of us to comprehend. I wonder if Peter will still laugh at all James' jokes and stutter hopelessly when I hug him in welcome.

I walk into the kitchen and the first thing I see are two mugs sitting on the table. They still have the remnants of coffee and I remember the conversation I had only an hour ago with one of the order members.

I wonder if I'll ever sit down at that table to talk with friends. Not about war and death and strategies and plans, but about marriage and passion and love and children.

I take both mugs and rinse them in the sink. I watch the murky water swirl away and wonder if all the evil in the world will swirl away some day too.

I hear Harry cry from upstairs and for a moment I feel relief because I'm given something to do, but I realize in panic that any number of things could have happened. I race up the stairs, sometimes taking two at a time and pull open the door with such force I feel like I've broken my arm.

The room is empty but for one hysterical baby.

And I wonder if I'll ever hear Harry cry and not think that I'm about to be murdered.

I try to feed him, but he won't take the milk. I know that's what's wrong with him - that he's hungry. But it's like he knows that today is one bad day in the thousand others that I've had over the past few years and he stops crying, and sleeps. Because somehow it's like he knows that Mummy needs to cry herself.

I wonder if one day he'll keep crying because Mummy doesn't need him to be strong anymore.

As I walk back down the stairs I look at all the photographs along the wall. Of friends and acquaintances and family members and colleagues.

And one catches my eye; the one taken by me on our last day at Hogwarts.

James and Sirius are in the middle and it's like they're the center of everything - like they're gluing it all together. Peter is to one side and is staring up at them like he can't believe how lucky he is to have them as friends. I smile because on the other side of the camera, I remember wearing a similar look. And Remus is standing to the other side, sporting the same sad smile that's always tainted with something that no one can ever figure out.

I wonder if Sirius will ever stop drinking and will smile again like he is in that photo. I wonder if he'll ever stop being burdened with the task of protecting us.

I wonder if Remus will ever be a part of us again like he used to be when he wasn't a traitor. I wonder if we got it all wrong, and if we did, I wonder if one day we'll pull him into our arms and cry into his shoulder and tell him that he should never forgive us.

I wonder if Peter will ever have hope and happiness in his eyes again. I wonder if that look of terror that's constantly there when he's around us will ever drain away.

But most of all, I wonder if James will come home today.

I descend the last few stairs and suddenly, somebody appears in the fireplace in a swish of robes.

James is standing in front of me.

For a moment, he smiles. It's very brief but I catch the hidden meaning. It's not; 'Hi honey, work was fucking awful, I'm so glad to see you.' Instead it's, 'I survived Lily. I promised I would and I have.'

And when I rush to him and put my arms around him and sob into his shoulder like I do every day now, I think 'Something else survived today love,'

Wonder.


Reviews are always appreciated :)