Ask Dr. Reid: The TV Interview
By The Wonder Twins
Reid was nervous. Sweaty palms, jumpy, paranoid, definitely nervous. His coworkers thought it might be drugs again. If they didn't stop leaving him alone, they'd find out exactly what was making him nervous. Then the ridicule would start. After that last bout, which lasted for weeks on end, the last thing he wanted was to blow the secret. It would be on in four-and-a-half hours. It was a slow day at the office and a Friday, so Hotchner decided that letting everyone go home early would be best. That and he wouldn't get in trouble with his wife.
Reid hoped, that by the stroke of ten, everyone he knew would be away from thier televisions. He, on the other hand, would be watching the public access channel at that time. Normally, he avoided the public access network at all costs. But today he was making an exception. The public access channel was airing something special.
So at nine-thirty he made some snacks, got his alcoholic drink together (he just knew he was gonna need it) and changed the channel to the public station. Exactly at ten, the theme song for a show entitled "Satunnaista Sontaa" began playing. "….These are the days worth living. And these are the years we're giving. These are the moments, these are the times. Let's make the best out of our lives….." Reid just stared at the TV screen.
"Wow," he said out loud, "That's actually a good song. How deceptive of them…"
On the screen appeared two women. One was pasty white with long red hair, in a black lolita skirt and a white Hello Kitty t-shirt. The other girl was brown with black hair in a ponytail, wearing orange-stitched goth pants and a bright orange Naruto sweatshirt. They smiled sweetly, innocently. Reid clutched at the teddy bear he brought out to give him comfort. He was not fooled. He knew the evil that lived behind those smiles.
"Evil Harpies," he spat at the screen.
"Well," began the redhead, "First, introductions. For any first time watchers, I am known as Ruby, and my partner over here has chosen to go with the name Ludwig."
"Ludwig the Indestructible," the other woman said.
"Together, we are The Wonder Twins. Secondly," Ruby said, "Many of you remember a particular issue of our magazine, also entitled Satunnaista Sontaa (A/N: It came to our attention (thank you Jools) that the original name of our magazine was translated wrong. This is the correct translation), that had an interview with a member of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. It may have been the first issue of S.S. you ever picked up. Or it might just be your favorite issue. I can tell you for a fact that it was our biggest seller."
"It was such a big seller that we got a butt load of letters calling for another interview. People were even sending us in questions to ask him, by the way, "xie xie" for that. After our last interview with the all-knowing Dr. Reid, though, we needed to give him a break for a while. Ok, I lie, actually he was a little peeved at us because we lifted his wallet. As if that's anything new, but that's another story. Anywho, soon, the letters kept piling up and after a few weeks of me sitting in the hall due to lack of room in the office and us running out of topics to discuss, we got bored and changed our minds on our whole "let's give Reid a break" thingy. So we went to harass him again, after Ruby here got him to drop the restraining order."
"That Dr. Reid is a freak, you don't even wanna hear about how I cleaned up that mess. We got him to agree to do a second interview. So we arrived at the location before he did, for some coffee and to set up a couple of cameras. We figured after the popularity of the written interview, the only to top it would be to televise it. So we, ahem, got his permission..."
"Bullshit." Reid thought.
"….and, by request, here's our second interview with that big shiny brain."
The scene faded in to a side view of The Wonder Twins in pajamas (leopard print for Ruby and blue with dragonballs for Ludwig) and Spencer Reid sitting at a table in a closed Starbucks. You could tell it was Starbucks by the sign in the background, and it was very dark outside. The Wonder Twins were entertaining themselves by sharing a can of whipped cream, while Reid sat there and waiting for them to either choke to death or finish the can.
"When are we gonna get this interview underway?" he asked.
"It already is underway," said Ludwig, "But we needed a snack first. Want some?"
"No thanks," Reid said, "That stuff has no nutritional value whatsoever."
"Neither do those nasty ass marshmallow peeps you're so fond of," Ludwig replied, "But do you here us ragging on you for them. No, we don't. We're more courteous than that. We don't get a T.R.O. against our friends. Those are only for creepy "dudes" we meet downtown"
"Yeah," Ruby said, "And you know putting that T.R.O. (A/N: Temporary Restraining Order) against us was not in the least bit nice, right? And here I thought you loved us."
"That I am aware of," Reid told her, "And yet I don't care. It was only temporary, to save my career from you two freaks, and I lifted it. That proves that I have at least some affection for you two nutcases."
"Wow someone's inherited the personality of a wet mop," Ludwig said, "and for once it's not me. Go figure. What's gotten your lacy man thong in a bunch?" Reid made this face that looked like he'd been straining on the toilet. Ruby widened her eyes.
"Let's just get down to the questions and maybe he'll stop being such a Goober," Ruby said.
"Yeah let's go please," Reid said, "I do have to work in the morning. Why did you guys insist that this interview be at eleven at night?"
"For the free Starbucks," Ludwig said, "Why did you think?"
"Nevermind," Reid said, "Questions. Now."
Ludwig rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, "Keep your panties on we're going. Ok, first question: you know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? An indestructible plane would be cool."
"Easy," Reid said, "If you guys knew anything then you'd know that it can't be done because then the structure would be too heavy to fly."
"Do not make me open up a can of whoop ass on your sassy ass. Oh and so you know, some of our lovely readers wrote these questions. So here's one right up your alley. If someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Seeing as how they have more than one personality?"
Reid sighed, "Technically yes, they are called Polish Hostages and it is considered a hostage situation. That is, if they bothered to call the tip lines or anything and didn't just commit the deed."
"I'm surprised at you," Ludwig said, "That name's a little racist, don't you think? You of the P.C.-ness."
"Hey I didn't make up the name," Reid told her, "I would never do such a thing, since I am friends with a variety of polish people. But that name has been in use for years, it's just not commonly known."
Ruby looked at him over the top of her glasses. "Listen you. Your online geek squad cannot be considered real human contact. You of the pocket protectors has been, and always will be, nearly friendless."
"Nearly?" he asked.
Ruby gave him that 'stop being retarded' look. "You know we're never going away," she said.
"Damn," Reid said, "And here I was hoping."
"All hope is false buddy, you know that," Ludwig said, "Besides, we're not that bad."
"Oh yeah I've been meaning to ask you, where's the royalties I get from the selling of that magazine?" Reid asked.
"The same place Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earheart and D.B. Cooper are playing poker" she replied.
"Funny," Reid said.
Ludwig smiled, "I know, Anyway, what is the purpose of a belly button?"
It was Reid's turn to look at them like they were stupid. "Come on now," he said, "Even you should know this."
"Just answer the question, Hypatia" Ruby said.
"Fine," he replied, "It serves no purpose at all. It's a remnant of the umbilical cord. The umbilicus, commonly called a navel or belly button, is a scar on the abdomen, caused when the umbilical cord is removed from a newborn baby. All placental mammals have a navel. While it is fairly conspicuous in humans, in most mammals, including cats, it appears only as a thin hairless line. In humans, the scar can appear as a depression, sometimes colloquially referred to as an "innie," or as a protrusion, called an "outie." Although they can easily be separated into 'innie' and 'outie' categories, navels vary quite drastically in terms of size, shape, depth and overall look, between people." The Wonder Twins stared at him for about a minute. Ludwig regained composition first.
"So that's all you got, huh?" she asked dully.
Reid raised an eyebrow. "Yeah... Why? That's the whole explaination."
Ruby coughed. "No reason," she said. Reid was going to say something else, but Ludwig interrupted.
"Ok, then next question. Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?"
"Because they'll burn down the whole forest, you psychopath!" he said, rather loudly. Ludwig raised her hands.
"Hey it was just a question, it's not like I was planning on doing it or that I know anybody who has," she coughed inconspicuously.
"Hey!" Ruby said to her, "Al swore you to secrecy!"
"Who's Al?" Reid asked, then stared at her with that 'thinking' look. "Not THAT Al," he said, "Alphonso AKA Fonzi Christopher? The guy who we thought Gas Station Arsonist, but I got him off because of YOUR word?!" Ruby's eyes grew to saucers.
"No! No, not that Al! Another Al!"
"What other Al do you know?" he asked her. Before she could stutter out an answer that dug the hole deeper, Ludwig spoke up.
"Dude, she has eight million and eleven boyfriends. You'd think there'd be more than one Al in there?"
"Not. Going. There," Reid stated.
"Good don't," Ruby said, "Is duck tape made out of ducks?"
"Duuunnnnccceee," Ludwig hissed, pinching the bridge of her nose, she turned to Ruby. "It's not Duck tape you ass. It's DUCT tape."
"Oh right never mind," Ruby said, shrugging off the insult "What the hell is Goofy?" Reid looked at her as Ludwig shook her head.
"He's a dog," he replied slowly.
"He is?" Ruby asked.
"Yeah, he is," Reid said, patting her on the head.
"Wow, you learn something new everyday," she said. Ludwig Gibb-slapped her upside her head.
"Moving on," Ludwig said, as Ruby rubbed her brain, "Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?"
Reid sighed. "It's that old school mentality. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a life for a life," he replied.
"But what about the fact that this country was founded by bible thumpers who believed in 'Thou Shalt Not Kill?" she continued.
"People are hypocrites," he said, "Or they believe that they are killing in God's name."
"But God doesn't want you to kill in the first place, does he?" she asked.
"Move On!" Reid cried, thumping his fist on the table.
"Agreed, and by the way stop trying to be scary because no matter what you do you'll never have any amount of fear-itude." Ruby said, "Now, why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?"
"You said DECENT human, your forgetting the millions of "ab-normies". The people who eat bugs, paper, hair, glass, you name it, they'll eat it. It's called pica."
"Tasty" Ludwig said, "Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?"
"Even though it's a rarity, they are required to do so in case of a last minute pardon," he said.
"Good answer," Ruby said, "It'd be all kinds of suck if you were pardoned and you caught hepatitis from the needle."
"Exactly," said Reid, "Then there are lawsuits, and no city likes to loose money..."
"Alrighty then," said Ludwig, "Now, how do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?"
"Have you even heard out-of-tune bagpipes?" Reid asked, "When people start shooting at you, it's time for you to start tuning."
"Then again," said Ruby, "Bagpipes don't exactly sound 'pretty' to begin with."
"Hey, I like bagpipes!" said Ludwig defensively, "and they sound awesome when played correctly."
"Next question!" Reid said loudly, trying to stop the argument before it started.
"Okay," said Ruby, "We always here about guided missiles on TV, but are there any un-guided missiles like there were before technology struck?"
"Yeah," said Reid, "The unguided missiles are the ones that miss."
"Funny," said Ludwig sarcastically, "Ever meet someone who ate some exotic meat? They always say it tastes like chicken. Well, then what do chickens think we taste like?"
"I suppose it's got to be what cannibals say we taste like," Reid replied, "Which would be roast pork."
"Human, the other other white meat," Ruby said jokingly.
"OK then Mr. Smarty Pants," said Ludwig, "Does everything taste like chicken, or does chicken taste like everything?"
"Don't ask me questions with no answer." Reid said,
"What is the sound of one hand clapping?" she asked.
"Stop," he said.
"If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth cry out in pain?"
"Shut up before you hurt yourself."
"What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?" Ruby asked.
"The color of your eyebrows, because theoretically it should be the natural color of your hair," Reid replied, "Not many people go so far as to actually color their eyebrows. It's one of the ways you can tell who's a natural blond and who's not."
"Another question for the FBI Agent in you," said Ludwig, "Do mass murderers only kill in church?"
Reid smiled, "Mass murderers strike when all the triggers are right. Be it at a church, a Buddhist temple, a workplace, or a school. So it's not just churches, it's any place where a large group of people can gather at one time. You already know of famous mass murders that didn't take place in a church. The Polytechnic University shooting in Montreal, the Virginia Tech massacre, the Oklahoma City bombing, Columbine..."
"RRRiiiggghhttt," said Ludwig, "you realize that I didn't hear at least 95 percent of what you said, right?"
"Seriously," said Ruby, "Now, can vampires contract AIDS?"
Reid rolled his eyes. "Fictional ones: no because they're already dead. But, yes, real vampires can because they're a people with many allergies and deficiencies."
"If you list the allergies and deficiencies I'll bloody kill you, I'll kill you with me bare hands," exclaimed Ludwig in a strange somewhat Celtic sounding accent, "When they invented the clock, how did they know what time to set it to?"
"With the clock as we know it, you'd simply need to look at a sundial," said Reid, "But with a sundial, you have to have a person with too much time figure out where the sun is at different points of the day and map it out. They had to use certain charts to figure out standard time from solar time because solar time changes daily while..."
"We get it!" they said at the same time.
"Jeebus man, no more long explanations," Ruby said, "Now for more fan-sighted questions. Why don't the characters in Naruto have any pupils?" Reid stared at her.
"Are you for real?" he asked.
"For all purposes of this conversation, yes," she said, "Now answer the question."
"Umm," he said, "Artist interpretation. Or laziness."
"Ok, Kabuto: Pokemon or Shinobi?" Ludwig asked.
"Depends which fandom you got into first," said Reid, "Being into Pokemon first, I'd say that, but there are only so many Japanese names out there and they are bound to be reused at some point. Or the Naruto creators are secretly Pokemon fans as well."
"But it's not right!" said Ludwig.
"I never said I didn't agree," said Reid.
"What about this," said Ludwig, "What does the Dragon Ball Z phrase Kamehameha mean?"
"You don't wanna know," said Reid.
"But we do," said Ruby.
"KameHameHa stands for 'Kami Always Mentions Exotic, Horny, Altogether Mental, Entities Handling Asses' alright?"
"How the crunk do you know that?" they asked together.
"Fansite," he replied.
"I could have sworn that it came from that Hawaiian king, Kamehameha." said Ludwig "I guess that's what I get for going to public school."
"I got a good one here," said Ruby, "Not sure who sent this to us, but we wanted to hear your reaction to it. If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?" Reid almost fell out of the chair he was reclining in.
"I ain't repeating that," Ruby said.
"How long would...oh my God," Reid moaned, "You have some demented fans!"
"Actually, they're your fan-girls, dude." said Ludwig, "That's why they wanted YOU to answer their questions. Now answer!"
"Fine, um, I'd have to say a day and a half based on the information in the question," he said.
"Good, good. Now, why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed?" Ludwig asked,
"We're talking famous like Versace and JFK. Do they think they'll need an alibi?"
"No," said Reid, "Normally it's such a tragedy that people can't help but remember what they were doing and how they felt when the brutal event occurred. Especially if it's someone that was loved in the public eye. It's like losing your mother in a car accident. You simply can't forget. Unless you're you two and you just don't care."
"Wow, that was cold," said Ruby, "We care."
"Honestly, I don't most of the time." interjected Ludwig. "And yes, I am aware my soul is a cold as a yeti's feet in December."
"Uh-huh," said Reid. "I recommend some therapy to sort out that issue."
"Uh…not gonna happen dude," said Ludwig, "Therapy is for emos."
"Your nuts," Reid said,
"You must be tired, you're stating the obvious," said Ruby, "So I'll make this the last question. If a turtle looses its shell, is it homeless or naked?"
"Neither," said Reid, "Its dead. And so is this interview." He got up and walked out the door, leaving a pissed off Ruby and a Ludwig lying on the floor, on her back, sucking on a can of whipped cream.
The two girls appeared on the screen again. "What will we do for revenge?" Ludwig asked, "Find out next time….."
Reid turned off the TV. He was clutching his teddy bear and rocking back and forth. It took him an hour and four sleeping pills to finally get to sleep.
The next day he walked into work to a bunch of evilly smiling coworkers. "Crap," he moaned.
A/N: If any of our reviewers liked this one as well, and wish to see more stories, then leave us the questions in your comments and we'll (eventually) write another story for you!