Ice: Blah. New story. I REALLY hope Phoenix got bitten by that shark…

Well, whatever. Cookie points if you can spot the Naruto Abridged Reference.

Characters © Kishimoto

Story © to me

Everything else © rightful owners.

O HAY GUYS, guess what? The 4th Hokage is Naruto's daddy!


What if Sasuke wasn't emo?
"HELLO BRIGHT AND EARLY MORNING!" He danced in the sunny wake, © Disney animals flooding to him. Sasuke picked up a bundle of dandelions, and threw them in the air.

"Sakura…what the hell have we done?"

"I don't know Naruto…I don't know…"


What if Pein watched Invader Zim?
"WHO WANTS WAFFLES?!" He yelled insanely, holding a tall plate of waffles in his hands. Blue stood there, mouth gaping, eyebrow raised.

"…Pein. Let's get you to the insane asylum."


What if The Yondaime was the Akatsuki leader?
"Naruto…" The shadowy figure turned to him.

"I AM YOUR FATHER."

"No! That's not true! That's impossible!" He shrugged.

"No, actually, it's true."

"…you're evil now." Yondy realized his mistake, and sighed.

"…aw crap."


What if Blue was a man?
He folded his arms, and looked at Pein.

"Does this make me gay now?" He nodded.

"Oh dammit…"


What if Deidara was a girl?
Sasori whistled innocently as he grabbed her boob.

"STOP GROPING ME YOU PERV, UN!"


What if Tobi was Obito?
"OMGWTFBBQVCRDVDCD-RY2K OBITO?!" Kakashi exclaimed, and Obitobi dropped his head.

"Yeah. It's me."

"HOW COME YOU NEVER CALLED?!"

"It was supposed to be an elaborate plan to un-mask you, but I guess I failed."

"You faked your death, joined an S-class criminal organization, and never freaking told me just so you could un-mask me?!"

"Yes. Yes I did."


What if Orochimaru wasn't a gay pedophile Akatsuki quitter?
He just stood there.

"What? I'd be normal."


What if Tsunade went to Playboy?
"SHIZUNE! GET MY BREAST PUMP!"

"…right on it…"


What if Sakura was emo?
"I hate life blah, blah, blah, cutting my wrist blah, blah, blah, craaaaawling in my skiiiiin." Sasuke and Naruto's jaws were dropped down to their knees.

"…Sasuke. Isn't that supposed to be you?"

"…yeah…"


What if The Akatsuki, Orochimaru, and all the bad guys were stopped?
It was quiet in Konoha.

"Wow. It's really boring here." Kakashi sighed.

"You said it." Iruka said.

"…wanna make-out?"

"Nah."


What if Shikamaru had seen Napoleon Dynamite?
He stood, hands in his pockets, next to Naruto.

"This mission's really troublesome. GOSH!"


What if Ino learned the magical sayings of 1337?
"w3lc0m3 70 y4m4n4k4'5 fl0w3r sh0p, h0w m4y 1 h31p u?" The poor old she was helping woman had a seizure.


What if Gaara met Jason Voorhees?
"Ah, yes, I see. A machete is quite a good way to gut someone." Gaara took a sip of his tea.

"I think that how you use sand is a completely new thing that death needs now. Some new 'Umph' to death. Temari and Kankuro looked at the strange scene.

"Kankuro, get the mace."


What if Chouji was anorexic?
"NO! I WON'T EAT ANY FOOD!" Ino sighed, trying to shove some mashed potatoes in his mouth.

"DAMMIT CHOUJI!"


What if Hinata had a backbone?
Naruto was sweating nervously as Hinata had grabbed him by his collar, pulling him close to her.

"You. Me. We mate. Now."


What if Lee was lazy?
"Lee! Get off that couch!" Lee scratched his five o' clock shadow, and ate a chip off his large belly.

"Get off mah ass, Tenten!"


What if Shino loved videogames instead of bugs?
"WOOT! GO LINK! KICK THAT GANONDORF ASS!"

"Shino, you really scare me."

Of course that still wouldn't stop Kiba from being scared of him, though.


What if Kiba like cats instead of dogs?
"GO GET HIM, GARFIELD!" The tabby cat Kiba had named Garfield stood there, and then took a nap.

"Why the crap did I buy a freakin' cat to do nothing?"


What if Tenten was Santa Claus?
"Mommy, Mommy! Santa ca-…Wait, what the crap am I supposed to do with this ball-and-chain?"

"I got a set of Kunai…"

"I got a rock."

"…Shut up Charlie Brown-San!"


What if Neji had been mistaken for a girl?
"Wow. You're a really pretty girl." His eyes narrowed.

Ten Seconds later

"OH GOD! PLEASE STOP! AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!" Neji smirked.

Paris Hilton's album always worked with torture.


What if Asuma was killed in a different way?
Hidan smirked.

"UNESSICARILY LARGE SHIRUKEN THROW OF DOOM!" He got him in the spine.

"Ow. That kinda stung."


What if Naruto hated ramen?

"EWWWW RAMEN!" Everyone in a thirty-mile radius stared at him.

"What?"


What if everyone had learned the secret art of fanfiction?
"…What if? That story looks like crap!"

And apparently it was.


Ice: I love poking fun at myself. Take that dignity! Oh wait…dammit…

Anyway, plz R&R. AND THIS IS AN ONESHOT. If you want me to make another chapter, PROTEST IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

Kthnxbai