11. This is classic Evan

June 21, 2008 (still)

The cocktail hour was in full swing. Harry hung around awkwardly by himself. Everyone he knew, even Janet, was taking pictures. The ceremony had been great, but a little weird as he was alone. He stood there, sipping a Long Island Iced Tea. Dorothy Ann's family had paid for an open bar, so this was going to be an interesting party. Finally, Wanda and the rest came out.

"You look fantastic!" Harry said, putting his drink down and kissing Wanda briefly.

"Thanks!" Wanda smiled. "You don't look so bad yourself." She looked at him coyly. "I see you found the bar."

"What would you do if you had to wait for your hot date all by yourself?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, but I think we're going to mingle a bit." Wanda sighed. "You can come with."

"Hey, come check out the sign I made!" Mikey called, waving the wedding party over. Harry and Janet dutifully followed. Mikey had arranged the letters on the sign to read "CARLOS RAMON & DITKA WEDDING" because his brother loved the Bears. "Take a picture!" He laughed.

"That's the best thing I've seen all day!" Tim took a picture with his cell phone.

"It should be the cover of the wedding album." Ralphie quipped.

"What are you guys laughing about?" Dorothy Ann asked, then saw the sign and giggled. "Does that mean I'm changing my name to 'Ditka'?"

"You'd do that for me?" Carlos looked happier than a kid who'd just won a shopping spree at Toys 'R Us.

"That's pushing it." DA laughed. Her dad had the microphone and was starting a speech. "Shoot, we've got to get over there!"


Just after the presenting of the new couple, Carlos and DA had their first dance to the Bangles' "Eternal Flame," which they'd first danced to in junior high during one of their more heated fighting periods. Of course, no one remembered the animosity between them at the point. They just looked so peaceful and happy, swaying back and forth to the rhythm. They shared the smiles and whispers that every couple does during their first dance while everyone watched. The wedding party – including a very reluctant Evan – and their dates were all standing near each other. Phoebe cried again, and Ralphie put his arm around her.

"This is probably the cheesiest song they could've picked." Keesha whispered.

"I had to talk Carlos out of 'Everything I Do.'" Arnold sighed. "That's SO much worse."

"Wait, this song was Carlos' idea?" Keesha laughed.

"It's the first song he remembers dancing with her to." Arnold shrugged. "But he likes 'Everything I Do' better. He didn't want the song to be a 'girl' song."

"I thought Carlos liked girls." Keesha mused.

"So after this," Wanda whispered in Harry's ear, "we're going to have the toasts, then there's the food, then the cutting of the cake, then they're having a big dance break. Hang on an hour and a half." She slid her fingers underneath his belt in the back.

"I don't know if I can," Harry whispered back. "You sure we can't go now?"

"Crap, we're supposed to be dancing." Wanda noticed the rest of the bridal party had gone to dance, except Mikey, leaving Tim with Evan.

"Why do I have to dance with you?" Evan wrinkled her nose.

"The feeling is mutual." Tim said politely.

"Sorry I keep crying." Phoebe said. "I just get sentimental."

"I know." Ralphie smiled. "Sorry I keep asking if I look like a child molester."

"It's okay." Phoebe smiled back at him. "You don't have any zits, by the way."

"Thanks." Ralphie sighed. "I'm going to have to take several showers tonight."

"I can't believe it's over!" Keesha exclaimed happily.

"Almost." Arnold reminded her. "They can still go insane for a few more hours." They grinned widely at each other. At last, the song wound down.

"Finally, it's over!" Wanda cried out a bit too loudly. "That's the cheesiest damn song I've ever heard."

"Okay, we're going to cut the cake now," Mikey, who was acting as the MC, announced into the mic. "Then we'll hear from the best man and maid of honor, then we can eat."

"Oh no, the toasts." Ralphie and Phoebe said, nearly in unison.

Carlos and DA took great care in cutting the cake. Carlos took a bit of cake and smashed it in the general vicinity of DA's mouth. Of course, she retaliated by wiping her bit all over his face, much to the disgust of some of the guests who felt it was poorly masked contempt or a preview of the wedding night. Most of the guests enjoyed it. "And now Ralphie, the best man, has a toast."

"Um," Ralphie stood up. "Carlos and Dorothy Ann have known each other, as most of you know, since we were in third grade. They decided they pretty much hated each other and would always argue with each other. Well, to those of us who were watching more closely, they weren't just fighting. They were constantly challenging each other and trying to prove they were better. We all knew that Carlos liked DA. We dared him to kiss her in seventh grade, and he did. They were the first to get together out of all of us, and now they're the first to get married. Sometimes Carlos is an arrogant, annoying idiot, but DA is the best person he could've found to put up with it when she needs to and to call him on it when it's gone too far. We just wish she'd keep him from being an idiot more often. And, um, this wedding has been full of ups and downs, just like I'm sure their marriage will be, because that's how their relationship was. Like I said, if DA would just smack Carlos upside the head more often and tell him he's being a moron, everyone will be happy." Despite the fact that Ralphie was making his speech up, he got a good reception. "Congrats you two, you've met your matches." He raised his glass and looked at Phoebe.

"Well, I can't take issue with that." Phoebe smiled. "Although I'm not advocating domestic abuse, I hope that Carlos tells DA when she ought to stop it with her know-it-all routine. DA and Carlos have really been through a lot already. They haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but they're honestly each other's best match." She stopped, realizing her speech wasn't as good as Ralphie's. "And also, what he said." She raised her glass and the guests did the same.

"Thanks everyone for coming – if I could have these three tables get their food," Ellen Mauer pointed.


At the end of dinner, Mikey picked the mic back up. "Before you all dance, could I have all the single women come to the center of the floor here?" The reception was moving forward at a quick pace to be considerate of guests who didn't want to stay all night for all the classic moments.

"All right, here's the moment we've all been waiting for." Keesha said sarcastically.

"Can we just skip this part?" Wanda sighed. "What happens if no one catches it?"

"Let's find out, shall we?" Janet, who'd given Tim the camera for the event, winked.

Carlos spun DA around a few times. "Don't aim!" He called and a bunch of the men laughed. DA tossed a bouquet (not the same one she'd carried down the aisle – that was being preserved) to a bunch of unenthused young women. The bouquet soared through the air, hit Phoebe on the head, and fell to the ground. DA turned around.

"Well?" She asked.

"No one caught it." Mikey laughed into the mic. "I think we'll have to try again. No one even tried."

"What?" DA laughed. "You just let it fall?"

"I forgot we're supposed to want it." Keeesha smirked.

"It hit Phoebe – I think that counts." Wanda tried.

"You weren't supposed to aim!" Phoebe scolded.

"You're tall!" DA argued playfully, picking up her bouquet. "Try to get excited about it this time." She grinned.

Carlos spun her around again. "I'm expecting a catfight this time." He told the group of ladies.

"I'll do my best." Keesha said sarcastically. DA tossed the bouquet again, higher this time. A swarm of eager hands reached toward it. Phoebe wasn't sure why exactly she was reaching for the bouquet, and neither was Keesha or Wanda. Something about the romanticism of the moment made the bouquet an irresistible object. Phoebe smiled. It was nearly in her hands. Suddenly, someone slammed into her side, causing her to knock over Wanda, who knocked Keesha down. The three landed in a heap on the floor with a loud "OOF!"

"I got it!" Janet cried shrilly.

"I think I got a goose egg from you elbowing me in the face," Wanda said to Phoebe.

"Your fat ass could've broken my arm!" Keesha argued.

"I might have broken my butt." Phoebe panted. The wind had been knocked out of her.

"Where's Evan?" DA asked, looking at the heap of purple-clad casualties.

"Not again." Wanda sighed. "Do you want me to beat her?"

"Don't ask me that now, I'm not reasonable." DA clenched her teeth.

"I've got an idea." Keesha said, getting up and going across the room. Tim gave Janet back the camera and she kissed his cheek.

"You know what this means," Janet winked.

"It means you'll kill me if I don't catch the garter." Tim grinned.

Dorothy Ann had looked forward to the chance of showing off her legs – something that was the highlight of the garter toss, as far as she was concerned. She placed her foot on a chair and pulled back the skirt and petticoats to expose her tanned, toned leg to much wolf-whistling. About two-thirds of the way up her thigh (not her leg, mind you, her thigh) a hot pink garter clung to her skin, edged in light pink lace. She fluttered her eyelashes coyly at her adorers, who cheered.

"Cut it out!" Carlos protested, grinning. He felt that he was obligated to feel protective of DA, but he loved the approval he was getting. He'd bragged about how great her legs looked, but it was nice to get validation. He looked at DA and licked his teeth seductively.

"Stop being an idiot." DA laughed. "I'm not going to stand here like this all night."

"Come on," Carlos winked.

"Seriously, Carlos, I'm giving a free peep show." DA's tone sobered. She loved the attention, but wanted to keep things moving.

"Fine." Carlos knelt on the ground and put his teeth on the light pink lace. The crowd of single guys decided not to repeat the girls' joke and instead groaned that DA didn't have a Batman garter (although Carlos had tried). He finally pulled the garter off DA's leg and stretched it out between his two hands and shot it straight into the air.

"Get the pink thing, Arnold, GET IT!" Ralphie cheered.

"I'm not going to get it! That means I have to pose with Janet for a picture." Arnold wrinkled his nose.

"You could marry her in Arkansas," Ralphie suggested.

"Imagine how perfect your kids' hair would be!" Tim prodded. Arnold paused a moment.

"Sick!" He exclaimed.

"Line-breeding is actually a great – holy shit, I've been helping Phoebe study breeding theory for too long." Ralphie sighed.

"I'm not banging my cousin!" Arnold yelled.

Carlos took on a serious tone. "Banging your cousin is perverted, Arnold."

"I got it!" Tim cried.

"Alright, pose with Janet." Carlos sighed.

"Well, who's going to take the picture?" Janet wondered.


Dancing was well underway when Evan finally emerged from the bridal suite. She ran up to her sister, eager to tell her something. "DA, Phoebe's having sex!" Evan cried.

"First of all, why should I believe you?" DA exclaimed. "You reek of weed."

"I do not." Evan argued. "Where's the cake?"

"Second, isn't that Phoebe right there?" DA pointed.

"Fine, then, I heard Ralphie having sex." Evan insisted. "I saw him go into the bridal room thing, then I heard loud noises."

"I highly doubt that." DA rolled her eyes. "You're high."

"I'm not! I swear it was Ralphie!" Evan whined. "And I'm not high."

"Evan Marie Mauer, get yourself over here NOW!" Ellen cried.

"Busted," Keesha said sing-songily.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked.

"Oh, Evan just came out from getting baked in the bridal suite – again. This is classic Evan." Arnold said dishily. "She is such a stoner."

"What?" Tim walked up to them. "What happened?"

"Oh, Evan just came out from getting baked in the bridal suite – again. This is classic Evan." Arnold echoed.

"Stop that, it's creepy." Keesha laughed and playfully smacked Arnold on the arm.

"Phoebe!" DA called, rushing over to Phoebe, who was finishing up a piece of cake and talking to Ralphie.

"What?" Phoebe asked politely.

"I need you to grab something from the bridal suite." DA said. "I need more, um… lipstick."

"Fine." Phoebe sighed.

"You don't need lipstick, do you?" Ralphie asked suspiciously.

"Were you having sex a few minutes ago?" DA asked, then thought a second. "Or anytime during the reception? I won't get mad, I just want to know."

"What?" Ralphie put his hand up to his head, then quickly pulled it back lest he increase his likelihood of breaking out even further. "No, why?"

"So you weren't noisily," DA began.

"No!" Ralphie repeated. "Why?"

"Evan swears she saw you go into the bridal suite, and…" DA began.

"You sent Phoebe in there to see who it was?" Ralphie finished.

"Tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing." DA put her hands on her hips. "Phoebe's the only one gullible enough to fall for that."

"I might've sent Carlos in, but I know what you mean." Ralphie smiled. Phoebe appeared at the bottom of the stairs and marched straight toward them.

"I hate you." Phoebe handed DA the lipstick and kept walking.

"Who was it?" DA asked eagerly. Phoebe turned around and spoke slowly through gritted teeth.

"Wanda and Harry, and it was not a pretty sight!" Phoebe said. "I think I might have to puke now."


"Where are you guys going?" Keesha asked casually as Ralphie, Tim, Arnold, Harry, and Mikey tried to sneak by the girls.

"We're going – uh," Arnold started.

"Oh," Keesha nodded knowingly.

"What?" Wanda asked. "I don't get it."

"To get something out of my car." Tim said convincingly.

"You have a motorcycle!" Wanda exclaimed.

"They're going to trash Carlos' car." Phoebe whispered in her ear.

"I want to come!" Wanda said a bit too loudly. "Can I please come?" She whispered.

"You can't, it'll be too obvious." Mikey said quietly.

"Like it's not obvious already," Keesha winked.

"See! I can come, can't I?" Wanda pleaded.

"Girls aren't invited!" Ralphie said quickly and the guys turned to run off.

"Why not?" Wanda asked in her best begging voice. Harry turned around.

"Bears." Arnold grabbed Harry's arm.

"Your period will attract the bears." Harry said. "I'll be right back." The guys disappeared out the back door.

"Let's trash something they can't." Wanda decided.

"We could … steal their clothes," Keesha thought out loud.

"Oh, we're doing it." Phoebe grinned wickedly.


"I don't think shuffling their credit cards is a good idea, Wanda." Phoebe said uneasily.

"It's funny." Wanda insisted, pulling credit cards from Tim's wallet. "Oh look, Tim has a Victoria's Secret card!"

"We could just blackmail him." Keesha added. "Aw, Ralphie has a picture of you in his wallet, Pheebs."

"Where did he get that?" Phoebe demanded, grabbing the wallet. "That's my senior picture!"

"I bet he's been obsessed with you since senior year." Wanda's eyes widened. "And he's carried your picture around with you and kissed it."

"No way." Phoebe retorted. "It's just the best picture he could find of me, I bet."

"You hope." Keesha laughed. "How about we just take some of the extraneous stuff and hold it for a while?"

"Fine." Wanda scowled. "But shuffling their cards all together and dealing them back out at random is too funny – hey, what's this?"

"What?" Phoebe asked, pulling an old condom out of Arnold's wallet.

"Is that a condom in Arnold's wallet?" Wanda pointed.

"Yeah, so?" Phoebe looked around. "What was the thing you asked about?"

"The condom…" Wanda said as though it were obvious.

"Oh," Phoebe replied.

"Why?" Wanda asked.

"It sounded like you found something in Tim's wallet." Keesha explained.

"No, other than the Victoria's Secret card, it's pretty boring." Wanda shrugged.


"We're about to go now, will you go get the car, Phoebe?" Dorothy Ann asked. "My keys are in my purse."

"Sure," Phoebe went to the bridal suite to get the keys.

"This is a pretty awesome party mansion," Janet nodded in approval to Tim. "I'll have to remember it."

"Yeah," Tim grinned. "I like it."

"I can't wait to go home," Arnold yawned.

"Yeah, it'll be nice when this whole thing is over." Keesha put her hand in his back pocket.

"You just wanted to touch my butt, didn't you?" Arnold asked slyly.

"I can't help if there's a ton of unresolved sexual tension in this room, okay?" Keesha laughed.

"Wow, they did it." Mikey remarked.

"I know. That's so cool." Ralphie observed. "I'm surprised that it went as well as it did. Carlos was so cool, you know?" He asked. "In the 'calm' way."

"Yeah, sort of." Mikey smiled. "He was very cool for a guy getting married."

"He's totally going to bang your sister." Ralphie remarked to Evan.

"I KNOW." Evan said loudly. "Everyone knows that."

"Her sister is going to bang your brother." Ralphie said to Mikey.

"Are you drunk?" Mikey asked.

"A little." Ralphie shrugged. "It makes this kind of event so much more fun."

"All right, we're off to Tahiti!" Dorothy Ann called, waving to the small crowd that was left.

"Don't miss us too much!" Carlos teased.

"And Tim, Janet – don't get married until we come back!" DA laughed as they disappeared through the door.

"Too late," Janet whispered.


Yes, it ends there. :)