Hi everybody! This is my first TOS story, basically just a parody of the game. Crack, humour and other junk galore! Yes, there is character-bashing, but nobody will be an exception, so don't worry if you're worried about your favourites. Rated T because of language, inuuendos and...well, I just LIKE rating things T, okay? Enjoy!
Once upon a time, there was this big-ass tree that was the source of all life energy (let's call it mana, shall we? Chakra, chi and reiatsu were all taken) A war, however, caused the tree to wither and die, so everybody was pretty bummed. A hero's life was sacrificed to take its place. Grieving over the loss, the Goddess into the heavnes. She left the angels with this message: "You must wake me, because my alarm clock is broken and if I sleep, everybody dies." So the Angels then got busy in the bedroom and bore the Chosen One, who headed off to the tower to wake the lazy goddess up. And that marked the beginning...of this parody!
"Lloyd Irving, wake up!"
"You must wake me, because my alarm clock is broken and if I sleep, everybody dies."
So the Angels then got busy in the bedroom and bore the Chosen One, who headed off to the tower to wake the lazy goddess up.
And that marked the beginning...of this parody!
Lloyd felt something connect with his head.
"Ow! My brain!" he hollered, collapsing onto the floor and clutching his forehead, "Now I don't know how to do math! THE PAIN!"
"Anyway, back to explaining why the Chosen is so gosh darn important." Raine went on, but for some reason her name bar thing was still under ? Like she was an exceedingly powerful boss instead of a teacher in a ridiculously under-stocked village, which only sells wooden swords and Frisbees for weapons. Hell, they DESERVE to be the Desian's personal doormats.
"Genis, do you know the answer?"
"Well, duh. I'm the child-prodigy-mage-thing." Genis responded pompously, putting his hand on his hip in a very camp way. "Which basically means I act like a snobbish private-school brat throughout the first part of the game. Anyway." he cleared his throat importantly, made a few hand-gestures, and said something along the lines of, "Blahdy blah blahing blah. Really blah. Blah blah blahing blah."
Oh, no, wait, sorry. Lloyd had fallen asleep again, forgetting about his dented brain.
Then an OMG bright light suddenly came into the classroom. Seriously, it was so bright that for a minute everybody thought they'd all died.
"Whoa...what was that?" Lloyd gasped, waking up, because the light had seared into his eyelids.
"That's..." Colette said dumbly, her mouth hanging open.
"SETTLE DOWN EVERYONE!" Raine said, even though everybody was just sitting there. "Kthnxbi!"
And Raine was gone, in a puff of chalk, to go study the fascinating ruins.
"Does nobody else wonder why she doesn't just END class if she's going to go look at the temple?" one girl randomly asked. Somebody quickly muffled her and dragged her out of the room. Naturally, Lloyd was oblivious.
"Okay, Colette, Genis, let's go to the temple thing!" Lloyd said, already marching out the door. Genis whined something, but Lloyd ignored it because that's what Genis does. Colette just followed them, because for some reason she needed them to leave too before she could go to HER oracle.
"Hey...what's with this Colette-shaped hole in the wall?" Genis asked, pointing at it. Colette blushed.
"I was mopping the floor and I tripped."
"You smashed into the WHOLE of the wall with your body?" Lloyd demanded, "What the hell were you doing, dancing with the mop?"
Colette gained the title of 'Dances with mops!'
So off they went to the Martel Temple, barring at one point when Colette tripped for absolutely no reason, not even to advance the plot. Then they saw something in robes staggering around on the steps. And no, it wasn't a drunken vicar, but it sure was close!
"Hey, look! It's a pastor!" Genis cried, pointing. And indeed there was.
"He doesn't look so good." Colette stated.
"He looks kind of half-dead." Lloyd put in. Then the pastor collapsed in front of them.
"OMG, are you alright?" shouted Lloyd, Colette and Genis at once.
"Obviously I'm not, you ignorant children." the pastor replied, and then coughed up some blood. "Chosen...I'm sorry for my...pointless...desian-related death..."
"NOOO! Man I've only known for less then 5 minutes!" wailed Colette. Lloyd glared up at the Temple, which still seemed to be shining.
"I bet it was the desians!" he declared, being pretty effing obvious because the Pastor had just freaking said so.
"Where did the corpse go?" Genis asked. But Lloyd wasn't listening- He had already run blindly up the stairs with Colette skipping merrily behind him. Sighing, Genis followed, muttering something about having scrawny chicken-legs.
"Hey you, I'm going to fight you for no real reason besides the fact you may be desians!" Lloyd shouted at the people who were standing around Phiadra. They all blinked at this bold and frankly rather idiotic statement.
"He thinks we're desians." Said one.
"Shut up, you desian bastard!" Lloyd shouted, totally missing the point.
They fought. They won. But alas! Then a guy with a big swingy-chain came out, and the kids were obviously getting their butts kicked.
Frisbees do not do well against chains. Or wimpy little fireballs. Or wooden swords.
I mean, what were they going to do, give the chain-swingy-guy a boo-boo?
"Damn...he's tough." Lloyd grunted, waiting for the final blow.
Lloyd looked up to see a guy dressed completely in lavender standing in front of them and simultaneously giving them a great view of his ass.
"…Why…" Lloyd asked dramatically, "Are you dressed up like a plum?"
"Get out of the way." Quipped Kratos. Well, it's not really a quip, since that's pretty much all he ever says besides stating the obvious.
Asses were kicked.
"Okay, well, we'll be going now." The not-desians decided, and fled.
"Oh wow, you have uber skillz." Phiadra said politely. "Here's £100"
"Why are you giving him money!" Lloyd asked, "He's barely done anything!"
"Shut up, Lloyd." Genis said.
"Your name is Lloyd?" Kratos said, turning. He WOULD have said it more dramatically, but he can't because he's emotionally constipated.
"Yes, but who are you do ask for my name?" Lloyd replied haughtily.
"Well, I did just save your moronic red-and-black ass from getting killed by some guy with whips...and chains." Kratos replied, irritably.
Lloyd didn't really have anything to say to that, because he's yet to acquire the skill: Back-sass. Plus Mr. Purple kind of had a point.
"Kinky." mumbled Genis.
Once Phiadra established that without Kratos, the only thing to protect the Blonde Doofus was a guy with the attention span of a doorknob and his fly down, and a wimpy little mage that sounded like a girl.
"You two go home." Kratos told Lloyd and Genis patronisingly; "Both of you weren't any better against Whip man, so go home like good little sheep."
"Hell no!" Lloyd replied, annoyed at being bossed around by somebody who's hairstyle looked distinctly like a scarecrow. "I want to come in and watch!"
"Who knows WHAT you'd do to Colette..." Genis muttered.
"Lloyd?" Phaidra said dimly. "You?"
"Yes. Me. And I'm going in! You can't stop me!" Lloyd declared. Kratos cleared his throat, and Phaidra gave him another 100 Gald.
So, after some bribery, Kratos joined the party. Hooray.
"Okay, dungeon time!" Lloyd announced, "Now maybe I can learn something better then that wimpy little demon fang!"
"Here's a book." Kratos told Lloyd, giving him a book. An INVISIBLE one. Yeah. "Maybe you can try reading it. Or use it as toilet paper when you run out."
"Wow...thanks for being an utter prick." Lloyd muttered. So they went through the golem-filled dungeon, acquired a ring that nobody seems to wear, and got to the door.
After slaughtering some blobs of...jelly. And worms and stuff.
"Let's go in!" Colette chirped stupidly. Like they were all just going to say, "No, thanks, I'd rather go home and watch Ugly Betty."
Opening the door, Lloyd celebrated before his ADD kicked in. Kratos sighed and pretty much had to PUSH Lloyd into the warp panel. He didn't need to bother with Colette because he could easily see that she'd just blindly follow Lloyd. Genis walked in on his own.
They came in to see a stone room with unnecessarily large windows. Then a golden light began to glow from a funky red circle on an altar on the middle of the floor.
A figure in a green dress descended from on high.
"Wow! What is that!" cried Lloyd, as though the figure was either deaf or oblivious.
"An Angel, I would assume." Kratos said monotonously. Genis rolled his eyes. It was pretty freaking obvious.
"Chosen of Mana, you must release all the seals to awaken the Goddess."
"TO THE ZOO!" cried Colette loudly. Everyone blinked at her idiotic outburst.
"No...Not that kind of seal." Remial explained patiently, but there was a vein throbbing in his forehead. "Take this Cruxis Crystal."
A glowing red thing floated down to Colette, who stared at it moronically before sticking it to her neck.
"Anyway, we of Cruxis bless this event! Behold, a dramatic zoom-in of the pointlessly tall tower!"
And the camera did just that.
"Thank you. I swear on my life I will Regeneration the world!" Colette said, striking a would-be heroic pose.
"Yeah, good luck with that." Remial muttered, then took the opportunity to fly off.
"Are you my father?" Colette blurted out before she could stop herself. Remial looked dumbfounded.
"Er...sure, why not? ...Uh, see you at the next seal, Colette my daughter." he added, for good measure.
Then he left, presumably to go and bleach his hair or perfect his stage voice.
"Wow! So I really am the daughter of an Angel!" gasped the gullible incarnate. "But I'd better get home now, so Raine can't catch me out of class."
And Colette padded forward and stepped on the warp pad, vanishing.
"Yeah...I'd better follow her to make sure nobody convinces her to come into their gingerbread house." Kratos grunted, following Colette.
"Come on, Lloyd." Genis said, "It'll look suspicious, just us two up here."
"Yeah, you have a point thar." Lloyd agreed before jumping onto the pad.
Back on the ground level, they descended the stairs to see Raine standing there with a manic, somewhat possessed look in her eyes. Why they hadn't run into her before is beyond me. I mean, what was she doing, admiring the bricks at the back of the building?
"FANTASTIC!" Raine cried, before spotting Genis and Lloyd.
"Hi, Professor Sage." Lloyd grinned awkwardly.
"What are you two doing here?" Raine demanded, "You should be at school studying!"
She advanced toward Genis, who backed off.
"I-I'm sorry Raine!" he stammered, "But since I'm so smart anyway-"
"LIEZ!" shouted Raine. "SPANKING TIME, GENIS!"
And grabbing Genis and holding him in a completely undignified manner, Raine spanked, his ass hard.
Lloyd shut his eyes. He COMPLETELY WASN'T getting turned-on by this. At all.
"Your turn Lloyd."
Lloyd opened his eyes just in time to see Raine's foot collide into his stomach, almost making his breakfast flying out of his-
Yeah. You get the idea.
"Ow, my pancreas!" moaned Lloyd.
"Now the you two have learnt your lesson, you can go home. Class is dismissed for the day."
"Why didn't you just cancel class BEFORE you ran out?" Lloyd wheezed, but Raine was deaf to anything apart from...well, she was just deaf for now. Rocks don't talk. Genis and Lloyd departed the temple, hearing Raine's maniacal laughter echoing around the temple.
"Your sister has serious problems." Lloyd deadpanned to Genis.
The boy sighed.
"Tell me about it."
Yeah, this chapter is a bit rushed, but I always find the first part of the game a little boring after a while. Reviews would be luff.