FAR AWAY

AUTHOR: Stompy Bigfoot

DISCLAIMER: Supernatural belongs to Warner Bros., Wonderland Sound and Vision, McG, Eric Kripke, and Robert Singer. I am only borrowing their characters for my own personal pleasure and no permanent harm will come to them.

SUMMARY: Wincest. Set to Nickelback's "Far Away" about Sam's thoughts on the dead relationship of him and Dean. Sam Angst. Sam reminiscing.

SPOILERS: Season 1 & 2 of Supernatural

RATING: R, language, and adult themes.

Italics are thoughts and lyrics.


Sam remembers a time when it was only he and Dean, when Dean was the only thing that mattered to him. That was before everything, before the countdown of Dean's life, before the death of the Yellow-Eyed-Demon, before Dad, before Jess, and before Stanford. He realized when Dean interrupted his Apple-Pie life 4 years after no contact, that he had hurt Dean badly, very badly. When he introduced Jess as his girlfriend, he saw the flicker of pain flash across the hazels.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,
you know, you know

It is now a few days before Dean's inevitable death. He couldn't find a loop-hole for his big brother, and he only regrets it now, that he never tried to reconcile with Dean. You don't realise you love someone until they are gone…I've been such a bastard…no wonder he made the deal…I never gave the impression that he was worth it… Sam really wants to feel Dean again, before his soul would be in hell for eternity. All those time Dean had flirted and slept with random chicks in random bars, Sam had felt jealous and angry, but nobody was at fault. Dean had the right to move on, just like Sam moving on with Jess.

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

After Jess' death, Sam was grieving. Grieving for his lost love, and grieving over the fact that she was dead because of his pursuit for normality. When they met up with dad for the second time, the old feelings for Dean had started to resurface again. Feeling those emotions again, made him realise that he had never stopped loving Dean, he only numbed the part of his heart that was only for Dean. He recalled all their intimate moments in the dead for the night; all the time fearing their dad would walk in on them. He remembered vividly the first time Dean had given him a blowjob. It had felt like heaven, and when the memory of Dean making love to him for the very first time, he felt like crying remembering the gentleness and tenderness. Dean had given out his whole heart to Sam and Sam had rewarded him by smashing the trust and love Dean had for him into pieces. He had all but shattered Dean's heart into smithereens.

One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,
you know, you know

Sam knows that he is a coward. Running away from everything instead of facing the reality. Dean is going to die and now he wants to bring up their past. Sam doesn't care about the consequences, but he would do anything, even go to hell, to just feel Dean's loving touch again, to feel his lips on him again, to feel the spark that was triggered every time they touched.

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

The youngest Winchester misses it, but he knows it is only himself to blame. He misses how Dean use to pat his shoulder in encouragement or just for the sake of it. He misses the true smiles Dean always gave him before the disaster. Ever since his leave to Stanford, Dean never touched him again without reason; Dean never smiled or laughed truly. Sam misses the old Dean, and Dean in general. He can't turn back time though. If he could, he would have never let himself chase the dreams of normality.

So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

Sam had been away from Dean's love and touch for too long. Being on the road with him again was bittersweet. He could be with Dean again, but he couldn't touch. The urges and the cravings were too much sometimes, but he did not follow his desires. He knows reality, and he doubt that Dean would welcome his touch or apology anyway. However, this week would be the last week he would see Dean alive, it would be the last week he would ever hear Dean's voice again.

I wanted
I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Sam has one selfish wish, the wish to hear Dean forgiving him regarding the betrayal and leave; the wish to hear Dean whispering "I Love You" one last time. He knows it's all selfish thoughts, but really, everybody has wishes. I love you Dean, always had. Dammit, why did I have to be a bloody bastard, treating you like that? I shouldn't have taken you for granted…

THE END