Disclaimer: Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury, and Scholastic. The films belong to Warner Brothers Incorporated. Imelda Staunton, Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, and Timothy Spall belong to themselves. If I've missed any other owners of things, sorry. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended. No monetary profit is being made and never will be made, so I hope no one tries to sue the pants, or anything else, off me. Chances are I need all of those things more than you.
Spoilers: For Deathly Hallows. If you're a movie watcher, then Order of the Phoenix.
A/N (continued in further detail at the end because it's a long author's note): Please understand this before you read: This is not meant to offend anyone whosoever. Believe me, I wouldn't go to the trouble of bolding it otherwise. (If you still feel offended, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that.) This fic is about peoples' complaints/peeves/opinions and the answers/counter-arguments that come with them, from things about the books, films, roleplay forums, and fan fictions. Any examples that look like anything specific are purely coincidental. As for myself, I've only got seven things on here, and they're more like curiosities than peeves. (Yeah, I have to make this huge paragraph to save my butt. But who'd really read this?)
I took a few liberties and tried hard to keep the Marauders alter-egos as in-character as I could. I think I failed on that. Sorry. I also kept as closely to canon as I could without gluing myself to it because canon is important when writing a monster-sized rant of a fic like this (that's basically what it is, a giant rant. Hopefully, it's also a somewhat polite one). So, this is my second foray into the Harry Potter fandom. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Believe me, I need it.
I give my thanks to a girl from Pluto for telling me about roleplay forums and for looking over the parts of this fic that she could without too many spoilers; a boy who lays tile for telling me about the 'America' pet peeve and characters that look like heavenly beings on Earth; SiriusAndMeForever for pointing out a grave mistake due to my own flakey-ness.
We solemnly swear that we are, for once, up to some good, and not just for our own sakes.
Messrs. Moony, WormtailPadfoot, and Prongs
Purveyors of Kids to Magical Mischief-Makers
Purveyors Who Are Aware That Certain Issues Require Attention
Purveyors Who Are Simply Feeling Bored Enough to Give These Issues Attention
are enthused to present
The Marauders' Manifesto
Mr. Moony wishes to explain the situation before they officially begin. While it is a fact that Mr. Wormtail is a traitorous little rat (pun entirely intended), it does not stop him from being a Marauder. For the sake of completing this record, Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs have come up with a way for Mr. Wormtail to join them in the middle ground of the afterlife that is the otherworldly version of Kings Cross Station. And, as a way to keep themselves civil, they have all agreed to treat Mr. Wormtail as the Mr. Wormtail they knew during their school years and the Mr. Wormtail they mutually believe he could have become given different circumstances.
Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Moony that they have plenty of time so there is no need to rush and would like to draw the reader's focus to the brilliant plan concocted almost solely by Mr. Moony while he himself and Mr. Padfoot spent most of the time attempting to convince him that Mr. Wormtail's presence was not required. The plan to gather to the station was (1)The Arrangement, and it will only work for as long as they are still within the station. The Arrangement earned its capitals by being the 'Magnum Opus' of the Marauders, the absolute zenith of mischief-making and the greatest prank ever to be accomplished by four individuals in an after-lifetime. It is also the one thing that will always work if they ever find the need to return to the station. Yes, even Mr. Wormtail did his part. He had to. The details of this marvelous undertaking will not be revealed in this manifesto, suffice it to say that this is why Mr. Wormtail is anywhere near the rest of his former companions.
Mr. Wormtail knows how unwanted he is, but because this is the Marauders' last epic venture, he is glad that he has been allowed to participate.
Mr. Padfoot would also like the reader to take note that the quill is enchanted to write while they speak, but it is older than even a certain former headmaster (and there are many to choose from so take your pick), and has developed certain quirks and habits. It is practically a sentient being.
Mr. Prongs wishes to officially begin by having the reader note that there were only four Marauders. Sure, there were marauders of every kind, Hogwarts would be dull without a load of troublemakers, but there were only four Marauders. The capital makes a difference. Thus, there was no other boy or girl in their ranks.
Mr. Moony acknowledges that Mr. Wormtail was, and in a way that is not quite so irksome to Mr. Padfoot, is still part of this exclusive group of the proud and the plebian. He, like the rest of the Marauders, had been brought together under fateful circumstances. That was all in an age when all that mattered was 'what-can-we-do-to-outdo-what-we-did-last-time?' Mr. Moony assures the reader that Mr. Wormtail didn't start out stabbing people's backs at the young age of eleven, and no matter what anyone says, he wasn't exactly stupid. A bit lost, yes. Stupid and lost are two different things. An entirely stupid person could never have managed to become an animagus (even with the help of two talented students) or fooled scores of people into thinking that a weak boy like him could not possibly be a traitor. It only seems reasonable that Mr. Wormtail, even for all his lack of nerve, had to have had one or two sudden bursts of it and one or two moments of glory during his early life.
Mr. Prongs would like the reader to remember that whether or not Mr. Wormtail was 'evil' is a debatable matter. He was, however, weak, cowardly, and felt as though there was nothing else to do but give in. Weakness, cowardice, and the feeling that nothing can be done can sometimes be an even greater motivator to do regretful things than being inherently evil.
Mr. Wormtail feels inclined to try to defend himself a little. There could have been many more reasons besides those that were mentioned that caused him to turn traitor. It is a matter that takes a fair amount of deliberation; even he would not suddenly decide to skitter into Voldemort's lair and pledge his allegiance without thinking about what he was getting into. There were other factors to consider, back story elements that were hinted at best. Mr. Padfoot summed it up nicely when he and Mr. Moony spoke to Mr. Prongs Junior in the fireplace: 'We were all idiots!'
Mr. Moony feels compelled to agree.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony.
Mr. Padfoot, though he is extremely reluctant, wishes you to bear Mr. Moony, Mr. Prongs, and even Mr. Wormtail's statements in mind the next time you replace or ignore the existence of the rat. As much as Mr. Padfoot dislikes Mr. Wormtail (and he is not using 'dislikes' because it's the word he desires, but rather because the quill is acting on its own and currently won't write anything stronger than 'dislikes'), he prefers the little man to the overwhelming presence of Mary Sue, which brings the mischief makers to their next point.
Mr. Prongs offers his condolences to those fan fiction writers and roleplayers who must deal with the devastating presence of Mary Sues.
Mr. Padfoot expresses his confusion at some of the fan fiction and roleplay threads he has come across, pieces that involve himself and his partners in mischief passionately kissing Perfect Random Girls. The average Perfect Random Girl, as is the perception of some fans, is more commonly known as Mary Sue, but names are often much more elaborate, and occasionally, inexplicably, Japanese; such as Lamia Anathema Remington or Hisashi Rei. People choose these names for many reasons, two of which are most common: they have a nice ring to them and they mean something that has even the most remote hint of melancholy in it.
Mr. Moony notices that Mary Sue has a background that is usually terribly tragic and traumatizing, often involving abuse of some kind. She has long/smooth/straight/wavy/strawberry-blonde/red/blue-tipped/green-tipped hair. She has two-toned/stormy/hazel/amethyst eyes and pale/olive skin. She is an absolute angel who is loved by everyone even when she is antagonizing other people. Either that or most of the other characters, except for the Marauders and other select few, have expressed contempt for her. She can either be painfully timid or exceedingly outspoken, but rarely is there a personality in between. She has erratic mood swings and is suicidal-because-of-aforesaid-tragic-and-traumatizing-past/possessed-by-malevolent-spirit-or-demon-or-Voldemort/mentally-unstable-but-still-loveable. Mary Sue's beauty cannot be put into words, but the authors give it their best shot by stuffing in as many adjectives and flowery descriptions as their brains can call forth. Occasionally, she has hideous scars but they are shaped (and/or colored) in elaborate ways that add to her indescribably describable beauty.
Mr. Padfoot can easily comprehend the need for character flaws, traits, and background stories. All of those things and more make the world go round. They make a story interesting. However, too many crammed into one story, and especially into one character, make the world go trapezoidal.
Mr. Prongs remembers reading a fan fiction in which Mrs. Prongs is even more obnoxious than he could ever be, so he ends up falling for a jaded young Gryffindor girl in his year, rejects her because she seemingly betrayed him, which causes her to slit her wrists in an apparently empty corridor, and he feels extremely guilty as he is carrying her to the hospital wing, and at the end he saves their nonexistent relationship by confessing his devotion and love.
Mr. Wormtail reflects that even he himself has been paired off with girls like those, and he is beginning to understand why.
Mr. Moony attempts to cheer up Mr. Wormtail by pointing out that some original characters are actually quite agreeable characters. Those are not known as Mary Sues or Gary Stus (which are less common, but the idea is the same). They go by the generic label of OC because they are not Perfectly Random. They are Very Much Sane.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and asks that Gary Stus keep away from Mrs. Prongs if they know what is good for them.
Mr. Wormtail, while they are still on the topic of characters, wishes to draw attention to another disturbing habit of some fan writers. Killing off characters they do not like. The Marauders understand, perhaps more than anybody, the temptation of killing somebody they do not like. But they have plausible reasons.
Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Wormtail and is positive that the only reason why Mr. Wormtail would bring up such a point before anyone else is because he is often one of those characters who is randomly killed off because the author does not like them. But this point is valid. Mr. Padfoot also does not believe characters, however disdainful their existence may be, should be killed unless the author is capable of writing a decently conceivable reason. For example, it would not make sense for Mr. Prongs Junior to neglect to even attempt to save his best friend, Mr. Ronald Weasley, if, somehow, Mr. Weasley managed to get himself into a nasty situation. Mr. Prongs Junior would not leave his friend to die merely because some fans find him annoying and useless, because Mr. Prongs Junior is not likely to hold the same beliefs. If anything, he would charge in recklessly and hope for the best, as Mr. Ronald Weasley would do for him.
Mr. Prongs understands that there may be many arguments to so-called 'pointless deaths,' such as the fact that Mrs. Rowling did not justify the deaths of several characters, including Mr. Benjy Fenwick, Mr. Fabian Prewett, and Mr. Gidgeon Prewett. This is true. Their deaths were not necessary. However, considering the fact that they were dueling for their lives against Death Eaters (pureblooded fanatics and supporting nutters who illogically reveled in trying to destroy the majority of the population of the Wizarding Community), this can be forgiven. Also, Mrs. Rowling is the Author and it is quite impossible to officially dispute the Author. Again, capitals do make a difference. However, there is a difference between Mr. Fenwick being blasted to pieces by a rampant Death Eater and Mr. Fenwick being blasted to pieces by, say, Mr. Moody, who would never do anything so gruesome to anyone who isn't a Death Eater as it is not in his character. If Mr. Fenwick had done something to disappoint Mr. Moody, like habitually sticking his wand in the back pocket of his trousers, Mr. Moody would have been more likely to scream 'ELEMENTARY WAND SAFETY!' and 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!' at him than curse him to oblivion. This also applies to any other fan-induced death that involves any uncharacteristic behaviour from any of the cast members.
Mr. Wormtail would like to convey his confusion about characters that suddenly acquire divine traits, such as unrivaled beauty and glowing skin.
Mr. Padfoot is sure that if his skin ever started to glow brightly for some unexplainable reason, he would run to Madame Pomfrey.
Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail and wonders if the writers of some fan fictions are aware that many people do not look like gods and goddesses in human form. It would disturb Mr. Moony greatly if he ever saw Mr. Moody flexing golden muscles and flipping back long shining hair while stumping around on his wooden leg. He would also like to add that being a werewolf does not give him god-like qualities.
Mr. Prongs regrets to burst the bubble of those fan fiction writers and roleplayers who like to write their favorite character as a sort of deity-like creature. Some people are meant to be plain. Some are meant to be awkward and gangly. Some are meant to be thin and peaky. Some are meant to be fat and slouching. People are supposed to come in all manner of shapes and sizes.
Mr. Moony is curious as to why people think being a werewolf must give a person enhanced senses and physical traits. Mrs. Rowling described it as being a disability, therefore it does not seem likely he has an extremely developed sense of smell or hearing. He can already hear quite well and his nose functions perfectly. Fast reflexes can easily be attributed to the rigorous physical activity involved in being a Marauder. There are also two wars for which to account and diving around takes practice. Mr. Moony occasionally wishes he was a bit faster and stronger, but he believes he has done quite well for himself without enhancements. However, since it has never been mentioned what being a werewolf does to his libido, Mr. Moony will refrain from bursting anymore bubbles on this topic.
Mr. Padfoot expresses his indignation at some of the roleplay threads and a couple of the few fan fictions he has seen and is appalled that people have him saying phrases like, 'OMG QUIDDITCH FTW' He does not remember ever saying anything as peculiar as 'oh em gee Quidditch eff tee double-you.' He is certain no one he has ever met has said anything so remotely illiterate. He would like those certain people who use chatspeak to understand that if they expect things such as, 'OMFG LYK TEH MAJIC STUFF R 1337!' to truly come from the mouths of the Harry Potter cast, and anyone else for that matter, they are thicker than dragon pus. As if mangling the English language was not already heinous enough. Mr. Padfoot does not think he, his friends, or any of the cast deserve to be subjected to such a wonky form of speech.
Mr. Prongs expresses his exasperation at some of the roleplayers that cannot spell. Literacy and handling of vocabulary is essential to the world of writing. Thus, there is a difference between the sentences, 'I am a jelly donut' and 'Ima jely donut.' Spelling is also important, so a certain adeptness at distinguishing homophones is useful. 'When I die I will, of course, have to leave all of my possessions to my disappointing heir' is not the same as 'Wen I dye I wil of coarse hav to leev all of my posesions to my disapointting air.' This can be quite confusing, as no one will be sure whether this person will die and leave their possessions to their failure of a son or dye something coarse and leave their possessions to their quiet flatulence.
Mr. Moony assures people that a typo here and there is not going to bring about the antichrist. It is simply more convenient for readers if the writers look at a dictionary once in a while.
Mr. Padfoot would like to remind everyone that Mr. Moony is the master of understatement, so when he says, 'once in a while' it really means 'all the time until the words you are trying to spell are ingrained firmly in your mind.'
Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs and would like to add that there are times and places for chatspeak, and those times and places are not in fan fiction or roleplay threads. It is because of devices like chatspeak that roleplay threads and fan fictions lose much of their already-sparse credibility.
Mr. Padfoot wishes to address another troubling fan fiction and roleplay plot issue. He does not particularly care that people write him as homosexual, so long as there are limits. For example, he is certain that, if he could, he would leap into the universes of those alter-egos that fancy Mr. Snivellus and give them a sound beating for fraternizing with their most hated childhood enemy. Mr. Padfoot hopes that if he ever did swing that way, he would have good taste, not greasy taste. He also does not have too much of a problem with being written as having the sex drive of a rabbit. There are worse things to be than a supposed sex god, although he is impressed by his own ability to avoid contracting diseases. However, he draws the line at being described as 'snogging anything that moves.' This would imply that he has thrown himself at the Whomping Willow and has tried to suck the beak off the giant squid. These are things he can imagine himself doing, because imagining isn't hard, but is absolutely certain he will never do because he doesn't swing either of those ways. He is not sure why he is often paired with Mr. Moony, though he is aware that this only intensified after Mr. Alan Rickman, while portraying Mr. Snivellus, made the remark about (2)'bickering like an old married couple.' Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Moony have a history, certainly, and much of that history is fairly strained because of an extremely long involuntary absence on Mr. Padfoot's part, and because the focus of the story is, naturally, on Mr. Prongs Junior, character development for Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Moony was thrust aside, so such things will never be explored except in fan works. Mr. Moony is one of his best friends, and he is most definitely taken.
Mr. Moony is pleased to add that marrying a clumsy metamorphmagus was one of the finest decisions he ever made in his short life.
Mr. Padfoot also finds it interesting that Mr. Moony has been labeled as 'the closest thing to a gay man as Harry Potter can get, with his tea and chocolate and the moment of hugging with Sirius.' It is apparent that there is something suggestive about drinking tea and eating sweets and embracing one of his only friends, who he thought to be guilty of betrayal for twelve years, because men are not capable of hugging even then. Perhaps this crossed Mrs. Rowling's mind, and is possibly why she added 'like a brother' at the end of the sentence.
Mr. Prongs presents good wishes to slash fan fiction writers, but wonders why so much melodrama is necessary. Harry Potter might read like it has soap opera elements, but Mr. Prongs is not confident that he would not have flung himself out of the Astronomy Tower if every day of those seven years were as tormenting and tearful as others like to believe and write.
Mr. Moony cannot fathom how he ever gave the impression that he cannot take care of himself. In fan fiction and art, he is nearly always being taken advantage of and he has frequent wanderings down the (3)darkly dreaming path of angst. It is bewildering. He is certainly aware that his life hasn't exactly been ideal, but he never went around cutting his wrists and starving himself. Transformations were painful enough and he has a very healthy appetite, thank you very much. It's not his fault that the transformations left him looking a little worse for wear. His unhealthy-looking state has nothing to do with his eating habits, for he has had very healthy eating habits. When one is fed by Molly Weasley for two years, there is usually no choice in the matter. He also wonders why people prefer him looking as horrible as possible without outright dying. He has been happy before. More often than people seem to think he has any right to be. He likes being happy.
Mr. Prongs presents his assurances to the world at large that Mr. Moony did not constantly burst into tears at the thought of an approaching full moon. He did not sob senselessly whenever a particular transformation was slightly more painful than the last. Mr. Moony is made of tougher stuff than some people like to believe. This also goes for Mr. Padfoot, for Mr. Prongs is absolutely positive that Mr. Padfoot is not the type to go cut himself while he is brooding. Drinking is another matter.
Mr. Padfoot understands that some sentences and passages in the books have possible suggestions, such as the infamous joint gift in the fifth book. It was a set Defense books with many useful spells and pretty pictures of people hexing and being hexed, not the Kama Sutra. Mr. Padfoot is certain that these long rants are not cases of denial. Mr. Moony is a friend, albeit a friend who turns not-so-friendly and grows fur and claws and sharp teeth when that rock in the sky looks completely round.
Mr. Moony assures the reader that he has never felt the urge to kiss Mr. Padfoot. One gets the impression that if Mr. Padfoot, in his canine form, bounds up and slobbers all over oneself, that the human must also do something similar. This is a discouraging thought.
Mr. Prongs would also like to point out that Mr. Padfoot, just as with Mr. Moony, never showed interest in either himself or Mr. Wormtail.
Mr. Wormtail reminds his partners that Mr. Snivellus has a history of being written as a Marauder's lover, especially Mr. Moony's.
Mr. Moony is aware of this and it is the little things that make him glad that Mrs. Moony has already claimed him. He is certain that Mr. Snivellus continues to hate him beyond belief, and it is most definitely not a love-hate self-destructive masochistic relationship. Mr. Moony believes he would have a heart attack and die again if Mr. Snivellus ever came to him and professed his undying love. Mr. Snivellus would most likely have an epileptic fit if he ever caught himself doing something so out-of-character.
Mr. Prongs believes that the topic of 'America' must be brought up sooner or later. While it is acceptable for the setting of the story to change, it does not seem logical that Voldemort would move on to the Wizarding World of America when he has not yet even conquered England. Mr. Prongs feels sure that the cast will not randomly go to the states merely to go to the beaches, especially with a war going on. Even if there isn't a war happening at home, there is no reason to go that far to the land where chips become French fries just because a character has a sudden inkling to go to a beach.
Mr. Padfoot brings up the issue with nicknames. There is nothing hard about saying 'Sirius' or 'Padfoot.' The names 'Siri,' 'Si,' 'Paddy,' 'Remy,' 'Remmy,' 'Rem,' 'Jamie,' 'Jamesie' 'Prongsie,' and 'Petey' never caught on as consistent monikers for a reason.
Mr. Moony is certain the name 'Remy' is part of the name of a French brandy. He figures this must explain why some people like to write that he is French and that he is either a drunkard, or he can't hold his drink.
Mr. Prongs is touched that fans want the books to be portrayed as accurately as possible in the films, but would like to remind them that there are such things as time constraints. Look at the size of the fifth book.
Mr. Wormtail mentions that the people working on the films are allowed a little bit of creativity of their own.
Mr. Padfoot is certain that the tattoos and beard on Mr. Gary Oldman don't secretly mean the universe will implode. Mr. Oldman's suit, while not being robes, does not make him any less of a restless wizard in his family's old home. The absence of Professor Binns does not mean the answer isn't still forty-two(5). Just because the school did not sleep in the Great Hall in purple, squashy sleeping bags does not mean that bananas do not have potassium. The fact that Mr. Ludo Bagman does not exist at all does not mean the apocalypse is nigh. Mr. Fudge not giving the gold to Mr. Prongs Junior in the hospital wing does not mean he didn't give it eventually. The missing background information about Mr. Crouch Junior does not relieve tea of its revitalizing qualities (6). Though Professor McGonagall never did say that Mr. Barty Crouch Junior had his soul eaten by a dementor, that's not to say it didn't happen.
Mr. Moony reminds people that a little facial hair and various scars on Mr. David Thewlis is not going to rewrite history as everyone likes to think they understand it. Mr. Thewlis' tweed will not replace the fabric of the universe. The fact that Ms. Hermione Granger did not have buck teeth in the first three films and the first half of the fourth does not mean that dolphins have regressed from being the most intelligent species on Earth (7). While the scene with Ms. Granger blackmailing the little beetle Ms. Skeeter will be sorely missed, among others, its absence does not render EMC² false.
Mr. Prongs does not find it surprising that there is little to no complaint about the portrayals and appearances of himself and Mr. Wormtail, though Mr. Prongs does admit that there is very little to complain about in his own regard, seeing as how he barely ever appears in any of the films.
Mr. Wormtail feels that he is fortunate enough to have a well-received portrayal. Unfortunately, he does not think many people really care what he looks like, so long as he looks worse than the other Marauders. He is not entirely sure what to feel about this, but he is delighted that Mr. Timothy Spall was the one representing him.
Mr. Padfoot believes that people should remember that things could have been worse. So what if Mr. Padfoot was not as dark and handsome as some fans hoped? If Mr. Alfonso Cuaron had stuck to the descriptions in the book down to the very last detail, Mr. Padfoot would have been a skeleton with thin yellow skin stretched over the bones. Be thankful for small favors.
Mr. Moony finds it amusing that some people expected him to look like an adorable long-haired homeless person. If Mr. Cuaron had kept to the book's description, Mr. Moony would have looked anorexic and much older. He would like to remind you that his own physical descriptions had never been entirely clear, so he possibly could have a mustache for all anyone really knows, and Mrs. Rowling could have neglected to mention it. He also does not feel inclined to confirm or deny any suspicion about the possible existence of a mustache. It is also not an 'Adolf Hitler' mustache, despite popular belief. Mr. Hitler's mustache was more like a thick, rectangular bush and seemed to continue up his nostrils (and for all anyone knows, it could have originated from his nostrils).
Mr. Padfoot finds it unreasonable that people should think Mrs. Imelda Staunton have make-up artists force her to look like a toad. She's already dead convincing as Umbridge (Mr. Padfoot will not allow the quill to write any prefix or title for the old cow), and to have her look like an amphibian is just insulting the poor woman.
Mr. Moony knows that a few events were deemed unnecessary to film in the third movie, like Mr. Prongs Junior conjuring a patronus which charged down the Slytherin dementors at the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match, the Quidditch Final, another Patronus lesson, Mr. Snivellus delivering the Wolfsbane Potion, Professor Dumbledore's traditional end-of-the-year-talk-with-Mr. Prongs Junior, the Christmas feast, Crookshanks true introduction, Mr. Ronald Weasley showing off his new wand, the Marauders' backstory, the history between the Marauders' and Mr. Snivellus, Mr. Padfoot's letter to Mr. Prongs Junior in the Hogwarts Express, and Mr. Weasley receiving Pidwidgeon.
Mr. Padfoot understands the same occurred in the fourth film. Brilliant parts like the Weasleys destroying the Dursleys' fireplace, the absence of Mr. Dennis Creevey, the Sorting Hat's new song, the existence of Ludo Bagman, Mr. Viktor Krum speaking to Mr. Prongs Junior, Mr. Crouch stumbling out of the bramble at them, Professor Dumbledore's phoenix patronus, Mr. Prongs Junior calling Skeeter (Mr. Padfoot also will not allow the quill to give her a prefix) a cow in front of Professor Dumbledore, Mr. Moody's encounter with Mr. Snivellus, Mr. Moody requesting to borrow the Marauder's map from Mr. Prongs Junior, Mr. Prongs Junior and his friends braving the climb of a mountain to speak with Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Prongs Junior telling Professor Dumbledore and Mr. Padfoot about the events in the cemetery, Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Snivellus calling a forced truce, and others were taken out for various reasons.
Mr. Prongs is aware that certain scenes were omitted from the fifth movie, including, but not limited to, all the events of St. Mungo's, the bit about Mrs. Moony fighting a goblin in a toilet, the part with Mr. Padfoot singing Christmas songs merrily at the top of his lungs, the scene with Mr. Moony versus a homicidal grandfather clock, the moment of hostility between Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Snivellus, the chunk about the Knight Bus, Mr. Prongs Junior braving the evils of Umbridge to speak to Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Moony about the memory in the pensieve, the flying brains, the time room, the talk with Nearly-Headless Nick, and the meeting of the Order and the Dursleys at Kings Cross. Mr. Prongs also understands that many people were not satisfied with the way Mr. Snivellus's 'worst' memory played out.
Mr. Wormtail wishes to point out some of the good additions in the movies, such as Mr. Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody's customized broom, the standoff between Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Moony, and Mr. Snivellus, Mr. Moody's magical staff, and so forth. He knows that details like these don't make up for all the lost good bits, but that people really have no choice but to make do.
Mr. Prongs states that perhaps there might not have been time to film the definitive row between Dumbledore and Fudge, that the athleticism of the Durmstrang students had to be shown off, that the Beauxbaton girls had to release butterflies from thin air, that Mr. Prongs Junior had to dribble pumpkin juice, that Mr. Bartemius Crouch had to sound more anxious than curt, that only Mr. Prongs Junior and Mr. Draco Malfoy were allowed to duel, that Professor Dumbledore was not able to mention that he walked into a room filled with chamber pots, that Mr. Snivellus had to try and poke a hole in the cheek of Mr. Crouch Junior, that Mr. Moony had to be absent on the night the Advanced Guard took flight, that Mr. Longbottom did not have a chance to stand up to his parents torturer, that Mr. Prongs Junior did not run up the stairs with Mr. Longbottom on his back, and so on. Such is the entertainment industry.
Mr. Padfoot represents all of the Marauders as he expresses his confusion on some of these points. They don't try to pretend to understand the entertainment industry, but at the very least they do know that something informative is not necessarily entertaining, unless someone knows how to go about it. History of Magic is a prime example. Professor Binns does not know how to keep people awake.
Mr. Wormtail draws attention to an issue involving the seventh book. He is surprised that he died by his own hand. Literally. He felt certain that someone would kill him, namely Mr. Moony.
Mr. Moony was hoping he himself wouldn't die. He had been looking forward to raising a metamorphmagus baby and spending the rest of his life in general contentedness. Though, he had a suspicion that things would not turn out as he'd hoped, considering the Marauders were dying in reverse order as they are listed on the map. He had hoped he would have a death scene of some kind. It seems to be the trend. He is the only Marauder without a fantastically dramatic scene, so his death is a mystery even to himself. He also does not understand why Mrs. Moony had to die and just as mysteriously as he did. He can only assume that they died at the same time.
Mr. Prongs is indignant that Mr. Moony Junior has lost out on such promising parents and wonders if he will have his own Dark Lord to fight. It has come to his attention that neither of the married Marauders nor their spouses were meant to be with their own children for more than a year.
Mr. Moony hopes that history does not repeat itself to such an extent and would like Mr. Prongs to stop condemning his son.
Mr. Prongs is merely mentioning that there seems to be the beginnings of a trend of orphans fighting Dark Lords.
Mr. Padfoot remarks that there is hardly a trend.
Mr. Moony relays a message from Mrs. Moony to Mr. Prongs, who says that Mrs. Moony will cast a nasty Bat Bogey Hex at him if he does not shut up about her child fighting some mad future Dark Lord. She is also regretful that her child will never watch his mother trip over her own feet or see his father attempt to feed him mushy vegetables.
Mr. Prongs is confused and wonders why Mrs. Moony is here at the station.
Mr. Moony has just been told that Mr. Snivellus is on his way.
Mr. Prongs believes it is good of Mrs. Moony to stumble all the way here to warn them.
Mr. Padfoot wishes to remind Mr. Moony that he told him so, and wishes that Mr. Moony could have proposed sooner so Mr. Padfoot could have given him a proper wedding gift.
Mr. Moony momentarily forgets about the threat nearly looming overhead in the form of Mr. Snivellus and wonders why he must be related-by-law to the supposed venereal god of Hogwarts.
Mr. Padfoot is insulted that Mr. Moony would rather be lawfully related to anyone else and resents that 'venereal' comment.
Mr. Prongs points out that he is related in some obscure way to Mr. Padfoot, thus making him lawfully and obscurely related to Mr. Moony.
Mr. Moony feels that this is no improvement.
Mr. Wormtail feels left out. On the bright side, he is glad that he is not related to Mr. Snivellus.
Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Wormtail that it is good not to be related to the greasy-haired git.
Mr. Moony passes on a message from Mr. Snivellus, who says that if the quill does not write his proper name, he will curse it into oblivion and this group of arrogant misfits will never finish the document.
Mr. Prongs is somewhat amazed that Mr. Snivellus managed to get himself to Kings Cross.
Mr. Wormtail does not understand why he is even here.
Mr. Prongs suspects that it was Professor Dumbledore's orders. Nothing escapes that man.
Mr. Padfoot demands Mr. Snivellus to shut up. He adds that hygiene does not hold high priority in the afterlife, but that it would do Mr. Snivellus well to wash his oily hair once in a while.
Mr. Moony requests that Mr. Snivellus stop waving his wand at Mr. Padfoot like an overgrown bat. He also reiterates the point that the Marauders cannot help what the quill writes. As Mr. Padfoot mentioned earlier, it is practically a sentient being. No one can make it write Mr. Snivellus' proper name. While Mr. Moony admits that this is his (4)'area of expertise,' it is beyond his meager power to force an ancient quill to write in a way that is unfamiliar to it.
Mr. Padfoot would like the record to show: Mr. Moony is a liar.
Mr. Wormtail thinks that the document should be concluded now before Mr. Snivellus and Mr. Moony temporarily join forces against Mr. Padfoot.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail and adds that edits will be made in the future.
A/N (It's only this long because I don't want things to be unclear):
1. A reference to 'The Arrangement' between two friendly enemies in 'Good Omens' by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.
2. A quote from Snape from the PoA film, the scene in the Shrieking Shack.
3. Taken from the title of a book called 'Darkly Dreaming Dexter' by Jeff Lindsay.
4. Another quote from Snape from the PoA film, the scene where he's being insulted by the map.
5 and 6. References to 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' by Douglas Adams.
7. Reference to the Christmas Special of 'Doctor Who.' The one with the great emphasis on the satsuma.
And I really have to come up with a better closing phrase.
Why They Are in Kings Cross
I suppose what you see in the afterlife in the HP-verse is kind of dependent on yourself, since Dumbledore didn't see a station. He could have thought he was standing on the head of some enormous chocolate frog for all anyone knows. Still, I like the symbolism of Kings Cross. Edits will be made accordingly as the next two movies come out, and if things need to be changed if Mrs. Rowling really does publish an encyclopedia, that too. The only reasons why I won't edit to add or rewrite accordingly are if I die or something equally inconvenient happens to me. I can't write if my brain is about as active as a vegetable, after all.
I had something huge here a while ago, but it's gone now. Looking back at it, it was much too defensive, even for my taste.