(AN: Whoa, I can't believe I wrote this in just one morning. I'm really starting to get the hang of this writing thing. And also, this story takes place in the Shippūden time frame for ages and appearance, but beyond that, it isn't important. Please don't take this story too seriously, because I have other stories in the works that will be much more worth the critique.)
Karma, Thy Name is Naruto
Naruto was fuming. Once again, he had been on time, ready for training first thing in the morning. And once again, that old pervy sage had been no-where to be seen. So once again, without even bothering to wait to see if he would show up, Naruto had gone hunting for him, with only three options necessary to check.
The hotel that the pervy sage usually stayed at. Not there.
The Hokage's office with Tsunade and Shizune. None of them were there.
Which of course, left only one logical possibility. Hot spring bath house.
Naruto made his way through the all-to familiar walk ways and miniature bridges, checking around the walls of the women's bathing area. After a few moments, sure enough, there was the old perv, crouched down in a corner peeping through the wall.
'When are the people running this place going to finally wise up and perv-proof the divider walls.' Naruto rolled his eyes as he silently walked up behind the chuckling white haired man.
"Oh yeah, it's so sweet! This is incredible! A record number of ladies all in one place at the same time! I am so blessed to be me! Come on, where are you? I know you're in there!" Jiraiya chuckled quietly to himself.
"Who's in there?" Naruto asked sourly, making his pervy sensei nearly jump out his skin.
"Wh-wh-what? Oh no! Naruto, not you! Not now!" Jiraiya hissed, trying not to alert the bathing women to his presence. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off training somewhere? Go on, sho, sho!" He waved off Naruto franticly.
"Training? Oh, yeah, what a great idea! Just one problem! My so-called sensei never showed up, deciding instead to go peeping on innocent women, and call it 'research'!" Naruto growled with irritation. 'Jeez, this old man is such a perv! He doesn't have any respect for women at all!' He thought angrily.
"Shhhh! Keep it down Naruto! Please, don't do this again! Not this time! You don't understand! I'm certain I saw Tsunade go in there a little while ago! Please, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Just let me do my research, just this once, and I swear I'll make it up to you!" Jiraiya was pleading, frantic. "A hundred bowls of ramen, my treat! How does that sound? And a week of no-stop training! Any jutsus you want to work on!" He was on his knees, hands clasped in front of him, begging. "Have a heart!"
"I do have a heart, it's you I'm not so sure about. You have no respect for women, even though one of them is both your own old teammate, and Hokage! So I'm only gona say this once. Stop this nonsense now and come with me to do my training, ooorrrrr..." Naruto let the threat hang in the air as he raised an eyebrow.
"B-b-but... It... it's a once-in-a-lifetime..." Jiraiya blubbered, streams of tears flooding down his face. "You don't know how long I've been waiting for this chance..."
"Sorry you old perv." Naruto shook his head. "Wrong answer." He took a deep breath, "HEY YOU DIRTY OLD PERVERT! ARE YOU PEEPING ON THE WOMEN'S BATH AGAIN!!!?" He shouted at the top of his lungs as Jiraiya instantly went white as his hair. Which is quite understandable, considering Naruto's act immediately caused a ruckus on the other side of the wall.
"EEK!"-"Not again!"-"The dirty old man!"-"This time we'll clobber him for good!" Came the women's shouts as frantic splashing ensued, presumably as said women scrambled out of the water to find and massacre the pervy sage.
"Nononononono! No way! That's the last straw!" Jiraiya shouted as he lunged and grabbed Naruto by the collar of his jacket and the back of his belt.
"Hey, hey! What are you doing you crazy perv!?" Naruto freaked, struggling in his sensei's grip. "Let me go! It's your own fault! You can't blame me for this!" He ranted.
"Can't I? You've disrupted my research one time too many! This time, you're going to take the brunt of those women's anger! Ally-oop!" Jiraiya whooped as he heaved Naruto up into the air up over the wall, then made a mad dash out of the area, planning to hide someplace far away till things had quieted down.
"WWWAAAAAKKK!" Naruto screamed as he came down to splash dead-center in the woman's bath pool. The hot-spring pool. "Yeow! Hot! Hot!" He spluttered as he immediately came up, splashing franticly in his attempt to escape the sudden temperature change that his body had not been prepared for.
"Naruto?" Asked a strangely familiar female voice. Naruto stopped cold (an interesting trick), and slowly looked up at the woman that was barely two feet in front of him. A nicely curved woman with slightly long brown hair, wrapped in a white bath towel. But for some reason, the white... and her face... and voice...
"Ayame? Is that you?" Naruto asked curiously, his predicament momentarily forgotten by the surprise of finding his favorite ramen chef in such a place. 'That's strange, I wouldn't have pegged her as the hot-spring type. I mean, considering that she spends most days in front of a steaming pot of noodles in the first place...' Naruto wondered to himself as he stared intently at her.
"EEP!" Ayame gasped, every inch of her showing skin turning bright red. But that immediately snapped Naruto back to reality as his head whipped back and forth, seeing the three dozen or so women in the immediate vicinity, all wearing nothing but bath towels, and very shocked looks.
"Whoa! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to stare! I mean look! I mean, oh man!" Naruto turned to try to escape towards the door out of the area, only to be blocked by a very stern-faced, and very nearly naked, Tsunade, also only wrapped in a bath towel.
"Hold it right there." The steamed Hokage ordered. Naruto shrunk back.
"Oh come on! You can't be serious! It was the pervy sage! I wasn't peeping! You know me! He threw me in here! I would never do something like this!" Naruto pleaded.
"Yes, we know." Tsunade nodded, which was corroborated by nods from all the other women.
"Of course, we know you're no perv." Said a red-eyed Kurenai.
"Give us a little credit Naruto. We know this isn't something you'd do on your own." Shizune commented.
"Besides, peeping is too subtle for such a gung-ho, get-up-in-your-face kinda guy like you." The ANBU babe, Anko, snorted a chuckle. Naruto relaxed a little.
"So, that means you'll let me go, right?" He asked hopefully.
"Not a chance." Tsunade grinned evilly. Naruto paled.
"B-b-but, you just said..." He stammered in fear.
"We said we know you didn't mean to do it. But the fact is, you're standing here, aren't you?" Tsunade pointed at him. "And since you are here, do you really think we're going to pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?" She began cracking her knuckles.
"Yeah, you, the infamous anti-perv? The guy that never ever ogles girls, even when they pass right in front of his nose? The guy known for beating down and chasing off any perv you come across because of your sense of honor? The guy who fights to protect everyone around him tooth and nail, no matter the odds or circumstances? You, of all people, getting caught in the women's baths?" Kurenai smirked.
"Face it maggot, you're cornered, caught and caged. You're not going to escape what's coming to you." Anko was showing a lot of teeth, and that was a dangerous thing.
"Can't I at least get a head start? A handicap? Something? At least show a little leniency! You can at least do that, right?" Naruto begged at his Hokage.
"What did I just say? Once-in-a-lifetime! Which means no wasting it! And NO MERCY! Get'im girls!" Tsunade shouted as the dozens of woman charged.
Jiraiya had actually managed to put some good distance between himself and the bath house in just a few moments when he heard, loud and clear, Naruto's freaked-out scream echo over all the village.
'Heh, heh, sorry Naruto, but you had to experience it at least once in your life.' The toad sage smirked to himself. 'It's called karma kid. After all the times you've blown the whistle on my peep-, er, research, you should've known that you'd have to answer for your actions eventually. And judging by that yell, I'd say that right about now, you're getting exactly what you deserve' Jiraiya laughed to himself, imagining how Naruto would come along a little later, all bruised and red-faced with shame. He sat down under a shady tree to wait a little while for his apprentice.
But waiting a little while turned into waiting a while.
Then waiting a while turned into waiting quite a while.
Jiraiya was beginning to get worried as one hour passed, then a second.
'Uh oh. I hope I didn't make a mistake.' He thought. 'I have years of experience in running from and defending myself from groups of angry women. But Naruto doesn't.' He was nibbling on the tips of his hair in concern. 'Even as tough as he is, they couldn't have put him in the hospital, could they? Would they?' His foot was twitching nervously. 'Oh great, he's going to give me hell when he shows up. Maybe I should plan to make it up to him after all. But I'm not going to go looking for him, and risk running into any of those women. I'll just wait here and see if he comes looking for me again.' Jiraiya resolved to himself as he pulled out a notebook and pen to work on the latest script of his novel series.
The hours passed, one after another. Noon and lunch came and went. The sun lowered further and further, and just after it had set, Jiraiya sighed, accepting the fact that his poor apprentice had probably, in fact, wound up in the hospital. But just as he put away his notes and got up, he noticed a figure slowly staggering towards him.
"Naruto! You're alive! I mean, you're ok! I was really worried! You know, I'm really sorry for what I did to you, and I decided to make-maaake, wh-wh-wh-WHHHAAAT!!?" Jiraiya had intended to apologize, until he got a better look at Naruto.
He was stumbling around with a partially ripped shirt and jacket that still seemed a bit damp, and he had a very red face. But his face wasn't red because of blood or shame, but rather, it was red due to the countless lip-prints of deepest red to delicate pink that covered every square inch of skin, even down his neck. And his neck, despite the obscuring lip-prints, had at least three very obvious hickies that couldn't have been more than twenty minutes old, and indications of many others that had already faded due to Naruto's quick healing quality. And lastly, Naruto had on a huge, silly grin.
"Hey there Jiraiya-sensei!" He waved cheerfully. The toad sage immediately choked. Naruto NEVER called him that.
"Wh-wh-what happened to you!?" He demanded, drop-jawed and bug-eyed. "What did they do to you, you little snot!?"
"What did they do? ... I'm not too sure. They didn't give me much chance to ask. I don't know what you call it. But I do remember that Tsunade-hime said that these are called 'hickies'. What a silly name." Naruto chuckled in a distant, unfocused way. Jiraiya instantly switched from shocked, to pervy.
"Ahh! So Tsunade was in there! Oh, I bet she was all shiny and soft with a fluffy towel and..." He stopped suddenly. "Wait, Tsunade-HIME?" He asked in disbelief at Naruto's expression. Then his eyes really bugged out. "TSUNADE GAVE YOU THOSE HICKIES!?" He freaked, pointing at Naruto's neck.
"No, not all of them, baka! She had to take turns with the others, and while she waited, she would whisper in my ear." Naruto said, still seeming spaced out.
"Whisper... in your... ear?" Jiraiya's face was twitching. He didn't know how much more he could take of the outrageous situation. Naruto seemed to focus for a moment.
"Whisper? ... Yeah, that was the weird thing. Tsunade-hime and the others kept whispering and moaning about-" He though hard over his memories.
"About what!?" The toad sage was flapping his arms wildly in aggravation.
"Something about 'my karma having finally caught up with me'. Whatever that means." Naruto shrugged.
"ARG! AACKK!" Jiraiya promptly slammed face first into the ground, where he lay, twitching in shock.
"Oh, you want to sleep? Good, me too. Man, I never thought there could be anything more exhausting than ninja training, but boy was I wrong!" Naruto walked past the still grounded sage. "I'll see you tomorrow Jiraiya-sensei!" Naruto went off, whistling to himself.
After a few minutes, Jiraiya slowly pulled his face out of the dirt.
"What is it about that kid? First mastering any jutsu I throw at him, then turning out to be the golden boy of gambling, now he can turn mobs of women into crazed fan-girls? HOW IS HE SO LUCKY!!??" He screamed to the heavens.
Black Iris down and out...
Black iris opens back up to reveal entire female cast of Naruto series, all wearing bath towels, all gathered around a gagged shirtless Naruto tied to a chair. They throw their fists forward with a 'V' for victory.
"IT'S NOT LUCK! IT'S GUTS!" All the women grin in unified chorus.
"SSSMMMMPPHH HEEEMMMMPH MMMMPPPH!!!" Naruto howled into his gag, thrashing in the chair. Translation: "SOMEONE HELP ME!"
He disappears beneath a mass of bodies as towels are flung in every direction, one landing on the camera lens.
(AN: This story is only supposed to be funny. Not in character, not acurate, not nothing. I tried hard to keep names/terms spelled correctly. This was only a funny thought in my head that I had to get out, plus, I'm trying to keep you viewers interested. No, I'm not going to add to or follow up this story, not intentionally anyway. Despite what I did in this story, no, I'm not going to make a habit of NaruHarem stories. Not serious ones anyway. I hope you liked my making fun of Jiraiya, since I'm likely to do so in any story I put him in. Not that I hate him, he's just funny. Thank you, and please be generous with your reviews, since it is only a comedy story.)
(AN: PS: HOLY SMOKE, THIS WAS A SHORT STORY! FOR ME ANYWAY!)