Stuck on You

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Co are the property of JKR; I'm just playing with them… and promise to return them unharmed and considerably happier than before.

Summary: Sirius is jealous. Harry is oblivious. A prank is played. It has some interesting results and two pranksters discover unexpected things as they struggle with the consequences of their own actions. (And don't ask me when the hell it is set; I don't know either… just call it AU, as I seem to have wilfully ignored the last 2 and ¼ books.)

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"Why can't he just stop pawing Harry about? Why?" Sirius fumed as he restlessly smeared his fingers through the fog his breath had created on the glass of the kitchen window.

Remus gave a loud snort of laughter before he could stop himself. "You know, I wish I could say it was your stay in Azkaban affecting your brain, but I think you were always like this."

"Look at them!" Sirius rumbled menacingly, nose almost pressed to the window pane. "He can't keep his hands off him! He keeps checking out his arse too!"

Remus started nervously at the enraged bounce his friend gave as Oliver Wood moved closer to Harry. "Well, not really Sirius. Actually, I think they might be shaking hands."

"Mere details!" Sirius flapped a dismissive hand and glared a bit more.

Remus cringed as Oliver Wood laughed and planted a chaste kiss on Harry's cheek.

"See!" Sirius howled. "Seduction is afoot!"

Remus closed his eyes as Sirius bounded away. "Why do I have a terribly bad feeling about this?" He moaned as he reluctantly abandoned his comfortable chair and hot porridge and followed in the wake of a barefoot Sirius, out into the garden. Only to find a purple-faced Sirius glaring at a red-faced Harry who had apparently been embracing Oliver Wood.

Interesting. Remus decided. And Awkward.

He wondered briefly if he could get away with just stunning Sirius and claiming that some bizarre beast of Luna's had wormed into his ear and attacked his sense of reason. Nah, Harry would never buy that and then he'd want to know what was being concealed from him. And these days, if Harry ever so much as scented a merest hint of a secret, then he was after it like a rat up a drainpipe, and then when Harry discovered the truth, Sirius would likely throw a major strop and life wouldn't be terribly worth living.

So Remus quickly came to the conclusion that discretion was the better part of valour and simply firmly grabbed Sirius, deciding to force a hasty retreat. If Sirius couldn't bring himself to tell Harry how he felt and lost him to a good-looking heroic young quidditch player then that was his problem. But he wasn't about to let Sirius play dog in the manger and ruin something nice for Harry either.

"Why did you do that?" Sirius hissed, as his determined friend (who could be considerably stronger than he looked) forcibly propelled him back into the kitchen.

"To stop you making an even bigger arse of yourself." Remus responded calmly "This whole thing with you and Harry is getting more bizarre by the day. Honestly, charging them both in the garden in just your dressing gown? That says a bit more than over-protective."

Sirius shrugged as he straightened his black silk robe and affected a relaxed and dignified pose that was ruined by his neck craning to see what Harry was doing. "You just don't like the idea of me and Harry together." He accused Remus once he'd decided that that Harry was at a suitable distance from his overly grabby admirer.

"I admit that the combination of the discrepancy of ages and your supposed responsibilities was something I initially baulked at." Remus allowed mildly. "But everyone has a right to live and love as they please, so I'm hardly going to deliberately attempt to deny you an opportunity of happiness if Harry ever seems willing to view you as more than a godfather and friend. But letting you rampage about and cock things up for Harry if he really likes Oliver just isn't going to happen."

Sirius scowled and absently accepted the cup of tea Remus pressed on him. "But I want him so much Moony." He whined as he slumped in his chair. "Like I never wanted anybody before." He finished with an air of wonderment.

Remus sipped at his own tea and sighed heavily at the air of frustrated bewilderment radiating from his dejected friend. "Merlin preserve me from Sirius Black in love." He muttered.

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Once Remus had left the garden dragging an unwilling Sirius in his wake Harry took a deep breath. "Sorry about that Oliver. They do tend to be just a tad overprotective sometimes. Sirius especially."

Oliver managed a smile. "Just a tad?" He teased.

Harry pulled a face. "I know! With those two prowling about, it's a wonder I'm not still a horribly repressed blushing virgin."

Oliver chuckled but still looked nervous.

"You can change your mind you know?" Harry prodded. "I'm happy to go to this thing with you, but you might catch less abuse with someone who isn't, well… me. Destroyer of the Dark Lord, most gossiped-about wizard in England, exceptionally well-guarded godson etc."

"I know who you are Harry." Oliver said.

"Do you really?" Harry muttered under his breath as he made his way back to the house in search of Remus.

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"Um, have you noticed anything, well, wrong with Sirius?" Harry asked hesitantly when he managed to catch Remus alone for a moment.

"Something wrong with Sirius? Surely not?" Remus quipped sarcastically as he laid his book aside and picked up his tea.

Harry grinned and propped himself up against a bookshelf. "Well, more wrong with Sirius than usual then."

Remus frowned as he sipped carefully at the hot liquid. Harry was no fool, and obviously was starting to catch on to the fact that there was something up. Sirius would have to be more careful if he didn't want to disturb or otherwise alienate Harry.

"Remus?" Harry prompted.

"Oh, I think he's looking forward to the Victory Ball, and is concerned that you enjoy it as much as he plans to, and it's making him a touch… er, excitable." Remus lied brightly. Well, it wasn't a total lie he consoled his conscience. Sirius would want Harry to enjoy the ball – just as long as it was in his company and not somebody else's.

But Harry's eyebrows raised a fraction in response. "Be honest Remus. He doesn't like Oliver does he?"

"Um, well no actually." Remus confessed. "But I think Oliver is a nice man, and honestly Harry, you know how Sirius is. You need to ignore him being difficult and just go ahead and date whoever it is who makes you the happiest - or there really isn't much point in dating at all. Sirius will get over it." Maybe. He added mentally. Eventually. After years, and a lot of raging, sobbing and sabotage attempts anyway.

Harry's grin faltered for a moment and Remus wondered what caused that.

But then he seemed to recover himself and turned to leave. "Thanks Remus. But Sirius doesn't need to start worrying about the prospect of wedding bells or roughing up my potential groom. Well, maybe not just yet anyway."

Remus sat in frozen horror after Harry had departed. Wedding Bells?

"Oh Shit." He said succinctly. Sirius would be hell to live with if it actually came to that.

"Did he say something about wedding bells?" Peeped a miserable little voice.

Remus closed his eyes as Sirius shuffled into the room looking thoroughly dejected. "He said not yet." He tried to soothe his friend.

"Not yetRemus? Not YET! The yet is the most important part of that sentence!" Sirius was wild eyed with horror at the prospect of losing Harry before he'd even had a chance with him. "I have to do something! Quickly!"

Why me? Remus wondered as he sneaked a hefty slug of brandy into his tea.