Summary: She doesn't remember much. But what she does remember kills her. (Ankocentric. Warnings: semi-graphic rape. mature.)
Song: Snow White Queen by Evanescence. (I did not use the whole song, just fragments.)
Say you belong to me
My snow white queen
There's nowhere to run
So let's just get it over
Soon I know you'll see
You're just like me
Don't scream anymore my love
'cause all I want is you.
She had trusted him.
And that was what hurt the most.
After a lifetime of being singled out and persecuted by her teachers as being "different" and "difficult", after living through her father yelling that she wasn't good enough, she'd never be good enough. There he was, telling her that she wasn't damaged, but special. That she wasn't not good enough, that she was too good for them.
Telling her that his own parents had called him sick. Told him that he would never be good enough.
And look at me now, he used to say, smiling at her. Look at me now.
And, god, she hadn't been able to stop looking. It was blind adoration, it was mindless obedience, it was slavery to the one man who showed her that she could be everything she'd always wanted.
Just let me teach you, he said to her. Let me teach you, and you can show them all someday.
And that was what she had always wanted, wasn't it? She readily accepted. She was willing to do anything to show her stupid father that she would be "good enough".
Anything? he had whispered, and she realizes she should have caught it right then; the insane, hungry look in his eyes. The way his voice almost shook as he said again, anything?
Yes, she'd answered.
Oh god, if only she'd known back then exactly what "anything" entailed.
But she was naïve and stupid and didn't have any idea what he could possibly do to her.
I can't escape the twisted way you think of me
I feel you in my dreams and I don't sleep (ever and ever)
I don't sleep (ever and ever)
Now that she's older, she realizes the signs. God, they were so obvious. How he always seemed to stare at any part of her body but her face, how his freakish, snakelike tongue had always come centimeters away from caressing her face whenever he stood directly behind her. How she always felt wrong, somehow, deep inside, whenever he touched her arm or ran his fingers through her hair.
But she hadn't realized. She hadn't fucking realized. How could she have been so fucking stupid?
The last time she saw him, it had been the biggest mistake of all.
He had told her, speaking in a frantic whisper, that he was going to have to leave soon. But before he did, he had to give her one final test. To make sure she was worthy of going with him.
He asked her to meet him in an abandoned house on the outskirts of town. He said that what they were doing must be kept a complete secret. He said that everyone, now, was their enemy.
And she, in her naivety, had believed him, even though she could see the insanity creeping into his eyes.
So. Fucking. Stupid.
So she went.
How could she have known any better?
How could she?
And once she got there, she realized this "final test" was a horrible, horrible, mistake. That this couldn't possibly be him, that he couldn't ever hurt her like this.
Though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting.
She doesn't remember much of it.
She remembers trying to push him off, biting and kicking and pushing him off, as he told her to shut the fuck up and do as she was told, hadn't she said she'd do anything for him? And once he reminded her of her promise, she relaxed a little, still scared out of her mind but sure in her belief that he wouldn't, he couldn't do anything to hurt her.
I'm losing my mind.
It wasn't until the pain erupted in her lower abdomen that she started screaming.
It felt like someone was stabbing her in the stomach and twisting the knife, over and over again. It felt like something was tearing her apart from the inside out.
And she screamed, even though she had prided herself on the fact that she was strong, that she had never, ever screamed before in her life. She screamed as loud as she possibly could, she screamed until she thought her lungs would burst, until he shoved a hand over her mouth and told her to shut the FUCK up! And even then she still screamed into his sweaty hand, crying now too, because it was the only thing she could do.
And you just stand there and stare as my world divides…
The next thing she remembers is lying on the floor in a heap, sobbing so hard that she couldn't hear herself cry anymore, and she didn't know what had happened, but she knew that she would die before she let him do it again, because it hurt, god, it hurt so fucking much.
She remembers vaguely hearing him shouting at her. You're so fucking weak! he had raged at her. You're so pathetic, you can't even stand that, I was wrong about you after all!
And the last thing she remembers is him saying, Let's see how much pain you can handle, you stupid, pathetic whore. He spat the last two words with such venom that Anko remembers wincing at them.
She remembers thinking that she couldn't possibly feel any more pain.
That she couldn't possibly feel anything else anymore.
But she remembers, vividly, the blinding rush of pain as Orochimaru gave her his curse mark, just before she passed out from the sheer intensity of it.
Once they got her into the hospital, they gave her medicine for the pain and tried to deal with the curse on her shoulder, but she didn't tell them about the thing that happened before. They were so busy with the black design he had left that they didn't even bother to check.
She didn't want them to know.
Because she knew, she knew that if her father ever found out, he wouldn't blame it on him. No. He'd blame it on her. For being so stupid. For being so careless. So naïve. So trusting.
(And, in a way, she does blame herself.)
It would just be another reason she wasn't good enough. Not for anyone, not for anything, not anymore.
Forever and ever (ever and ever)…