A/N- Despite my thinking that Phoebe is just one stupid poo-poo head, I decided to write this. What is "this"? you ask. We'll I'll tell you. It's one of those oh so cliché journal type fics, only it's a 16 year old Phoebe writing it. Scary...Oh, btw, I'm only supposing Walkerville is in Virginia, and that Dorothy Ann's last name is "Whitehead".

my so called life
by The Ultimate Sora

Aug 2: Hi, journal. I just bought you about 20 minutes ago. Who am I? I guess I should tell you a little about myself. My name is Phoebe Terese. I'm 16 years old and I go to Walkerville High School in Walkerville, Virgina. I'm not originally from here. I was born in Lake Charles, Louisiana on November 13, 1984, but my dad and I moved here when my mother died when I was only 5. I'm an only child. So I guess that's it about me for now. Til next time.

Aug 12: School started. I'm junior now, but even though I have this high grade rank, I'm still looked down on, and not by just the seniors. I guess you could say I'm a loner. I've never really had any friends. Even in elementary school and junior high. At least I wasn't getting lost or anything. The teachers now are meaner and harder. I hope it'll get better as time goes on.

Sept 2: Sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been really busy. I've joined a lot of extra curricular activities. I joined the girls soccer team. Wanda Li, one of the girls that was in Ms. Frizzle's class with me, is on it. Maybe it won't be so bad. I also joined the yearbook staff and the cross country team. Seems like a lot, but I want to do this.

Sept 10: My first cross country meet was yesterday, and I bombed. I was doing so well at the practices, and now I got last place. Oh well, I just need to train harder. As for soccer, well, Wanda's now the captain and it seems it's me she likes to push and yell at. She makes me run the track because I'm not running fast enough. Yearbook is going okay. My assignment is freshman algebra and the boys choir. Arnold Pearlstein, he was also in Ms. Frizzle's class with me, is my partner on the choir pages. We seem to make a good team.

Sept 16: Because of me we lost our first soccer game. I was running down the field with the ball and I wasn't watching where I was going. I tripped over the ball and the other team stole it and scored a goal. Wanda was really ticked off and she yelled a few things I'm not going to repeat. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Sept 25: I quit the soccer team. My dad wasn't very happy, and neither was my step-mom. Dad had gotten re-married two years after we moved here, and then he went blind after a car accident a year later. So my step-mom works and he stays at home. Anyway, Elane, my step-mom, said if I quit soccer, I was going to have to quit cross country and yearbook. It just ended in a nasty argument. "You can't make me quit those two!" I had yelled. "There's no way my daughter is going to yell at me like that!" "Yes I can, because I'm not your daughter!" I stormed to my room and skipped dinner that night.

Sept 30: I hadn't talked to Elane since our fight. I didn't want to. I needed someone to talk to, but I had no one. Not even one friend I could confide in. I guess you're the only thing I've let come close to me, journal, but you're not even alive. Ever since my mother died and dad went blind, I just shifted myself away from everyone and everything. I started becoming more into nature and that kind of stuff because I felt it was the only way to let my emotions run out. It was so peaceful, so beautiful, nature is. If I only had at least one friend...

October 3: Arnold and I turned in our yearbook pages today. He kept complementing me on what good work I did. I kept telling him he did most of it. "But still, you took really good pictures." "Thanks, Arn." I started to walk out of the classroom when the bell rang. I was the first one leaving. Arnold started following me. "Phoebe? Can I ask you something?" "Sure." He started to turn red in the face and his hands were shaking. "Um, would you like t-t-to, maybe, I guess, um, go out with me on Friday to the movies?" I have never been asked out. Nor have I ever had a guy like me. And Arnold was the last guy I'd expect either from. I would have said yes. I mean, he's sweet, he's cute, he likes me, but something kept screaming in my head not to get close with anyone. Even him. I looked up at him and said the one little word I regretted at the time, but am glad I said it, "Yes."

October 6: Today's Saturday. Last night was my first date. I didn't dare tell my dad or Elane it was a date. I just said I was going to the movies. I didn't say with a friend, because I didn't have any. Arnold bought my ticket and popcorn for us. I was so nervous. And so was he. He tried to hold my hand, but I kept avoiding any intimacy with him. Even holding hands. I guess I just didn't want to get close to someone I cared for. If something ever happened to him...I wouldn't be able to take it if I lost someone I cared about. We sat down and watched the movie. It was Dude, Where's My Car?. A comedy. That's really what I needed. Seriously. After the movie, he drove me home. "I think you should get going," I said. "I don't want my step-mom to see us together." He nodded. "Okay, good night." He leaned in to kiss me, but I dodged him, got out of the car, and walked inside.

Oct 8: I apologized to Arnold about the kiss thing. I could tell he was really embarrassed. I told him that I would like to see him again and hoped we could be friends. He agreed. I still wasn't sure about the being close thing, yet, but I just might need some time.

Oct 13: Today was the worst day ever. It was another cross country meet. I ended up leaving there in an ambulance. I was running and made it to third place. I heard Arnold cheering me on and that motivated me more. But when my laces came un-done and I tripped on them, it wasn't pretty. I was going so fast that my when my ankle hit the ground first, I heard a crack. One runner even stepped on it. That made it worse. Arnold ran to me on the track and lifted me in his arms. I looked up at him. He really did care for me. Someone had called 911, I guess, because I was shipped over to the hospital in an ambulance. As it turned out, I had cracked ankle and wouldn't be able to run for the season. Plus when that runner stepped on me, that did some damage to a nerve or something, so I was going to have surgery. Meaning, I was never going to be able to race again.

Oct 20: The Halloween dance was in eleven days. Arnold asked me to go with him, even though I was going to be in a cast. The doctor had given me a boot-like thing to wear on the bottom of the cast, so I could walk, even with the cast on. So I didn't have crutches or a wheelchair. Arnold said even if I couldn't dance, he still wanted to go with me. The feelings I had for him were well beyond words. He cared for me too, and I knew I was going to have let him get close to me, eventually.

Oct 25: To replace athletics, I'm taking drama. I have a terrible fear of being on stage, so I work on the tech crew, meaning I work on the lights and sound and such. I get a lot of respect from the actors and actresses, but none of them seemed to want to be friends. I'm okay with that. Even though sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to, I'm okay with being just with myself. At least have a journal to let all my feelings and emotions out in. Otherwise, I think Id' go crazy.

Oct 28: I told my dad and Elane that I had a date to the dance. They were both surprised. Elane thought I was too young to go with a boy. Too young?? I was going to be seventeen in less than a month! "Why don't we let her go," my dad suggested. "She's old enough to make her own decisions." Elane shook her head in disagreement. "She's too young." I got mad. Really mad. "Who are you to decide whether or not I'm too young? You're not my mother!" I stormed upstairs the best I could in a cast and slammed my door. I played "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 over and over again. It was the song that I really needed then.

Halloween: I got to go to the dance. Arnold picked me up in his Honda Civic. Even though it was a Halloween dance, no one was in costume. It was all formal dress, just like all the other dances, so my cast was hidden under my dress. The decorations were mainly all of the custom Halloween stuff: jack-o-lanterns, mummies, cobwebs, witches, etc. We had a fun time. He saw a lot of his friends and he introduced me to them. I got the feeling they didn't like the social reject their friend was dating, aka- me. But I didn't let that ruin my evening. I was still feeling not right about Arnold holding me as we danced. I tried not to let my emotions get in the way. I was here, with Arnold, and that's all that mattered.

November 2: Fifteen days before I turn seventeen. I was excited. I wasn't expecting much from my family, but still, I was going to be seventeen, and that's all I cared about.

Nov 10: I got my cast off today. I have to wear an ankle brace for another while though, but I can walk on it normally.

Nov 13: Friday the 13th is when my birthday falls on. It was okay, though. Arnold came by and gave me a gift. It was a silver locket with a "P" engraved on it. It was so beautiful. "Arnold, how did you afford this?" I asked. He shook his head. "I can't tell you that. Let's see how it looks on you." He put it on me, and smiled. "It looks better on you." I smiled. Then my smile diminished. I couldn't take this gift. I couldn't get too close with him. I just couldn't. I took it off and put it in his hand. "Arnold, I can't take this gift." He looked hurt. "Why? I got it just for you." I sighed. "I know, but--but you wouldn't understand..." He nodded. "You're keeping something from me. But take the locket anyway, out of friendship and nothing more." That was probably the best birthday I ever had.

Thanksgiving: The three of us just had a small Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn't very hungry, though. I ate a little bit and left and sat in the living room. I looked out the window. Little white snow flakes were falling. It was the first snow of the season. This was a very quiet Thanksgiving.

Nov 30: Elane and I went out to buy a Christmas tree. Now was a good time. We found one and tied it to the top of her Ford Expedition. I put the ornaments up on the tree when we got home. Soon, the whole house was decorated. I hope the holidays will bring some cheer.

December 5: The school was putting a production of A Christmas Carol on. The first time I was gonna work the lights. I did pretty good. A lot of the other crew members thought so. Carlos Ramone and Dorothy Ann Whitehead, others that were also in Ms. Frizzle's class with me, were in the play. They said hi to me after the play and thanked me for my work.

Dec 12: The winter holidays started today. Arnold took me to this secluded hill by the park to go sledding. We were the only ones there. Going downhill we accidentally ran into each other. He rolled in the snow laughing. I got up and threw a snowball at him. "Oh no, you didn't," he said. "What? This?" I threw another one. That ended in a snowball fight...and my first kiss. He grabbed me around the waist and kissed me. It really freaked me out. I forced myself out of his arms. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I can't...I can't. You wouldn't understand." He took me gently by the shoulders. "Understand what? Phoebe, tell me. What's wrong?" I looked in his eyes. I started to cry. He took me in his arms. I told him everything. About how I couldn't bring myself to be close with anyone and why. He didn't say anything. He just held me. And I was glad that's what he did.

Dec 15: Arnold invited me to eat dinner with his family on the first night of Hanukah. I was almost going to decline. I mean, I was going to meet his parents! But they were very nice. Arnold's also an only child. I enjoyed dinner, and after they lit the menorah and said some prayers, we sat in the living room. Mrs. Pearlstein asked about my family and other such things. I told her where I was from, about my parents, and what my hobbies are and such. She seemed to like me. Same with Mr. Pearlstein. I was glad.

Dec 21: It started snowing again. The temperature has dropped a lot, but that's okay, because I love the cold. I went Christmas shopping for my family. I got Elane some perfume and dad a tie (I know it sounds cliché, but he said he wanted a new one).

Christmas Eve: Arnold came by and dropped a little wrapped box. "Don't open it until tomorrow, promise?" I nodded. "Don't worry, I will." He walked up to the mantle and looked at the pictures on there. He happened to pick up my second grade school picture. "Who's this little cute girl with no front teeth?" he laughed. I giggled. He saw another picture. He picked it up. "Who's this?" I looked at it. I knew who it was. "That's...That's my mother." He looked sad. "I'm sorry..." I took the picture and put it back. "It's okay." "I have to get going now," he said. "Remember, tomorrow is when you open that box."

Christmas Day: The first gift I opened was Arnold's. It was a little music box with a ballerina that danced in it when you open it. It was white with roses painted on it. It was so beautiful. There was a note inside from him. It read: "Phoebe, I hope this poem isn't too corny, but Roses R Red, Violets R Blue, No one is more special to me than you." I almost wanted to cry.

Dec 27: My father came in my room while I was reading and had a little box in his hand. "Phoebe, I wanted to give this to you on Christmas, but I saw you were so wrapped up in Arnold's gift, I'd thought I'd wait a while." I looked up at him. "What is it?" He just said, "Open it." I did. There were two pictures in there. One was of a newborn baby with a little bit of fuzzy auburn hair. On the back it said, "Phoebe Alexandra Terese. November 13, 1984." My father sat down next to me. "I may not be able to see you now, but I remember what you looked like when you were born." "Thank you, daddy." It's been a while since I called him that. The other picture was a young couple and a baby. The couple both had auburn hair, like mine. The young mother looked a lot like me. It was my mother. I saw where I got the big brown eyes and the wavy auburn hair. I hugged my dad. "I know you look like your mother," he said. "That's what our family said when you were a baby. Now I know you must really look like her now." I nodded. "I do. I love you, dad." "I love you, too, Phoebe."

January 5: School started again. The roads were still icy, but my dad let me drive to school. Elane wasn't very thrilled about me driving the Camry. But it wasn't her's. It was my dad's but he couldn't drive anymore, so he gave it to me. At least now I have my own car.

Jan 12: The worst has happened. Oh my god, I couldn't believe it. Arnold was in a car accident. He was driving home after a we went to a basketball game together. The police think what happened was that a drunk kid rammed into his car and the icy roads made it worse. I drove to the hospital when I heard what happened. He was unconscious, but his face was battered and his left arm and leg were both broken. The doctor knows he'll be fine, but I won't.

Jan 18: I visited Arnold again. He's conscious now. I'm there with him everyday. I didn't want to leave his side. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Phoebe," he said. I took his hand. "I'm just glad you're okay," I said. I took off his glasses and kissed his eyes. He reached around my neck with his right hand and pulled me down to his lips. His thumb messaged my cheek. I started to cry. "What's wrong?" he asked when we pulled away from the kiss. "I'm just glad you're okay," I said.

Jan 23: Dorothy Ann has been really nice to me lately since Arnold's been in the hospital. She and I hang out together and she's really been there for me. I'm really happy because I really need a friend now.

Jan 31: Arnold's out of the hospital now. He has to be in a wheelchair because both his arm and leg are broken still. I've been helping him out at school with getting his stuff to class to class. The cuts and scrapes on his face are mostly gone, and so are the bruises. He's back to his old self, except he's still in his casts.

February 7: Arnold got out of his arm cast. It was only cracked, so it wasn't as serious. His leg has to be in a cast for another while. He's getting around in crutches now. I'm glad he's okay. It really scared me when I got the news of his accident. His car is out of the shop, but he won't be able to drive for another while, so I drive him around.

Feb 10: Dorothy Ann's been really nice to me. She's also one of my only friends. Her and Arnold. She and I go to the mall sometimes, and out to lunch. I'm really happy that things are turning out good.

Valentine's Day: Arnold and I went out to dinner for Valentine's Day. I drove us to a little Italian restaurant in Downtown Walkerville. He got me a box of chocolates and a little white teddy bear that said "I Love You" in red letters on the front. "Arnold, this is really sweet. Thank you." He smiled. "It's true, though. I really do love you." I looked at him. That was the first time anyone other than my father has said that to me. So this is what first love is like. "I love you, too, Arnold," I said. I leaned across the table and kissed him on the cheek.

Feb 20: The temperature has been rising, so the ice has mostly melted away. There's still snow, but it's been really nice outside. Arnold just has a week left before he gets out of his cast. We're both thrilled.

March 2: Arnold got out of his cast today. He still has to take it easy. He can drive now, but he wants to take it slow. I wouldn't blame him. So whenever we go out, I drive. Spring is on its way and so is the Spring Dance. I can't wait.

Mar 13: Even though it's not quite Spring yet, the dance was tonight. Arnold and I went together. We had a wonderful time. It wasn't quite warm enough to wear just a sleeveless dress, so I wore a shawl over it. "I wish you wouldn't wear that, I want to see your beautiful shoulders," he said when I was driving us there. "You mean my bony shoulders," I corrected. "No, I mean your beautiful shoulders. Everything about you is beautiful to me." That made me pull the car over, just to kiss him.

Mar 21: First day of spring. There's no more snow. It's all melted away. The flowers on the trees are starting to bloom. It's really gorgeous. I love spring.

April 3: Dorothy Ann and I went to a Blink 182 concert last night. She got two tickets and asked if I wanted to go. I greatly accepted. "So, who's hotter, Tom or Mark?" she asked as she drove her mom's Windstar to the concert. "Tom, but personally I like Travis the best," I said. She giggled. "Ooh, I'm gonna have to tell Arnold you love Travis more!" I playfully hit her on the shoulder. We had a blast cheering for more Blink and just singing along to their songs.

Apr 11: I applied for a job at Old Navy. I work the cashier stands now. It's really fun. I'm not really friends with my co-workers, just acquaintances. But at least I'm making money.

Apr 20: Today's Arnold's 17th birthday. Yeah, I'm actually older than him. I went to his house to give him his gifts. I got him some Adidas cologne and puka shell necklace. "It's not like the wonderful gifts you've given me, but it's the least I could give you," I said. He smiled. "I love the gifts. They're great." He kissed me. I kissed him back.

May 3: School's near it's end. The year didn't start off so good, but now it's going great. I don't want it to end, but it'll hopefully get better next year.

May 15: This is my last entry. What a year this has been. I don't have to worry about getting close with anyone. Plus I know that my dad loves me, and so does Arnold. And I also have friends, Dorothy Ann and Arnold. So this is it for my so called life. Until next year.

Phoebe Terese