Lily, I will kill your bunny

Summary: Lily is on vacation with her family and has asked James to look after her pet bunny while she is away. This is post-Hogwarts, but pre-marriage.

Dear Lily,
How are you? Enjoing the sights? Alright I'm going to cut the crap.
Look, it's not that I have anything against rabbits. It's just this little ashole. I can't decide if he's stupid or evil, but, frankly, I'm betting on both.

An anecdote: on Sunday he busted out of his cage - a veritable jail break - and shit up a storm. But did he shit on the easily cleanable wood floor, you might ask? Nope, not there. What about the tiles in the kitchen area, and bathroom? No, that would have been too simple. Where then? Where did the little fellow do his business? On the fucking beds and couches that's where! And where did ALL THAT BUNNY SHIT (and piss and vomit) come from, you might be wondering? Well, it seems the little guy got indigestion after eating through my copy of Brave New World. It's only one of my favorite books. The same copy I purchased when I was ten years old.

That's the one he ate. LITERATURE IS NOT FOOD YOU STUPID STUPID RABBIT! There were some really crappy magazines sitting around the house. Seriously, I wouldn't have minded at all if you'd eaten that Witch Weekly, or the Quibbler or even the Quidditch Times. I'd read that Quidditch Times already. But why the HELL did it have to eat my brave new world? And why, oh why, did it have to then vomit it up on my and Sirius' bed?

But you know what, it's okay. I'm over it. I am. It's really, really, fine. My sheets are going to the dry cleaners, there's been so much air freshener sprayed that our apartment smells like a chemical plant, and we've all the heavy metal objects in our house are securing his cage as a prevention measure against future breakouts. Oh yeah, and I'll buy a new copy of the book.

But Lily, so help me god, if your sadistic evil dumb little bastard of a rabbit isn't out of our apartment within the next 48 hours I WILL let him out to play with the neighborhood kitties. And those are some tough motherfcking kitties, let me tell you. I've seen them licking their wounds after fights. It ain't pretty.

BUNNY WILL SUFFER! SUFFER SUFFER SUFFER!!!!!! YES SUFFER BUNNY SUFFER AND DIE! YES BUNNY DEATH! MuHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!

I, uh, don't know where that came from. I just really don't want this rabbit in my apartment anymore. I hate him as I have never before hated an animal in my life. I come home and see him wincing his little bunny nose, and I want to smash his little bunny face in.

Listen - Don't call PETA. I really like animals. I'm almost a freaking vegetarian, I'm a freaken deer for Merlin's sake! I don't wear leather. I've rescued injured pigeons - (Yes! Even pigeons! the rodents of the sky!) on more than one occasion. I LIKE animals. I just REALLY HATE this bunny and hope he dies. Really a lot. That's all. Is that so much to ask?

Love James

P.S Missing you, come home soon

Haha, I enjoyed writing that. REVIEW!