Author's notes

Another crack fic! Yay! This is the long awaited second chapter (not)! We are so proud of ourselves, because it doesn't suck!

Disclamor: If we owned Naruto, this would be an actual episode

Warning: Lots of Yaoi, scary food, and, of course, crackness


Lunch time!

It was lunchtime at the Akatsuki lair. All members, who had been previously engaged, were now standing in front of the almost empty fridge. Their stomach growls could be heard from outside. Finally, Blue decided to make casserole with the limited food they had left. As she was cooking, they all tried to sneak out.

Last time she made lunch, everyone had been sick for a week. Every since then, Leader made it a point to always have a well-stocked kitchen, so she would never have to cook again. Everyone was glaring at him, because he hadn't given them any grocery money in the last few weeks. He pointed to Kakuzu, who had hoarded all the money, and refused to share. Blue, oblivious to all this, brought them plates piled with some kind of…well, they wanted to call it food, but that might have been a lie.

It was all kinds of colors, and in the shape of…think of a bunch of old, random food, improperly mixed, thrown in an oven. It smelled like a dead dog. And if all that wasn't enough, before their eyes, it started to move.

They all stared. Then all jumped on Leader, holding on like he was the last lifeboat. Even Mr. "Ten-foot-pole shoved up his arse" Uchiha screamed for his mommy. The pile of "food" started to move towards them. Tobi, as the food got closer, heard a voice coming from the food.

"Tobi does not like this!" He yelled, and passed out on Leader. Sighing, and yet disturbed himself, Leader moved them all out of the kitchen. Turning to Blue, he told her to take care of it. She pulled out a kunai, and stabbed it to death. Then she picked it up and ate it. At this point, Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame passed out. Itachi was spazzing out on the floor. The Leader, Kakuzu, and Sasori twitched a bit. Zetsu was still in his room, grieving over Victoria.

"Why don't you all go to Ninjaway now, and I'll take care of Blue." Everybody woke up at this, and smiled. Zetsu came running into the room.

"No, Zetsu, you can not come and eat the civilians again." He slumped off, dejected.

"Kakuzu, give me my money. Now. All of it." Handing it over, He muttered about needing more income. Leader whispered something to him, and he perked up, yet again. It was very suspicious.

Leaving the lair, Hidan turned to him and asked "What did Leader say to you?"

"Oh, he told me I can make another porn video with you all."

"Okay. If that's all the fuctard told you." He kept walking, then stopped dead. "Wait, what? ANOTHER porn video? What the hell, man!?!?!"

"Well, how did you think we made all our money? We also steal some of your things, and sell them to fangirls." He replied calmly.

Hidan, along with everyone else, looked at him in horror. It explained how their stuff kept disappearing. They would have said more, but the store was now in view, and they got distracted. Kakuzu grudgingly gave them each some money, and they went into the store.

Hidan walked over to the video section, and did an anime fall. There, lined up neatly, was not one, not two, but at least a dozen different videos, all by the Akatsuki. He was horror struck. Then, adding to the horror, Orochimaru walked over, and him and Kabuto picked up one of every copy, muttering something about 'training ideas' and 'Sasuke'. Mentally puking, Hidan walked away.

Meanwhile, the store clerk was watching them all with a mix of fascination and disturbance. Kisame was using his sword to destroy all the fish sticks. Itachi was looking at himself in the mirror, picking out new nail polish, and half-heartedly saying "Kisame. Don't. You're making a mess." Kakuzu was in the bargain section of the store. Hidan was buying bleach. Tobi was trying to decide between the blonde Barbie and the brunette Barbie. Deidara was gazing at the many fireworks with stars in his eyes. Sasori was gently pulling him away, saying "Dei-Dei, not today. You still have some left over at home." It was a very comical sight.

In her mind, the clerk was thinking 'This is who everyone has been afraid of?'

Kakuzu got a call from Leader on his cell phone. "ITS BEEN TWO HOURS! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!"

"At Ninjaway."

"STILL!?!? Get home soon!" and he hung up.

Kakuzu sighed, and began rounding everybody up. He went to the front, and put his items down. The clerkj finished ringing it up, and said "Your total comes to $19.85, sir." She said, holding back laughter at what he bought (two bottles of lube, and a few cameras).

"WHAT? No, it coasts $19.65!"

"Its 20 cents, sir. Does it really make a difference?"

"Yes it does!"

They continued to argue. The others went and got magazines, and sat down. After about an hour, Kakuzu got another call from Leader.

"THREE HOURS. I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT YOU BETTER GET HOME SOON!! I had to tie up Blue, and she is NOT happy!"

"But, the store clerk is trying to steal from us…" Kakuzu whined.

"Put them on the phone."

He complied. The lady listened for about 10 seconds, then began to get very pale. Handing the phone back, she said meekly "Your total is $19.65, sir."

He smiled and handed her the money. The others followed suit, and left the store very happy. It wasn't until they were about halfway home that they realized Leader had sent them out for food, so they hurried back and bought some. When they finally made it back, it was 5:00.

Leader was sitting next to a very mad Blue. You could almost see the smoke coming out of their ears. If it wasn't such a dangerous situation, it would have been hilarious. As it was, they decided it was very good they had remembered they food, because if they hadn't, there would probably be "Help wanted" signs posted around tomorrow.

After dinner, everything had finally calmed down. Sasori and Deidara went to bed, Tobi was in his and Zetsu's room, having a heart-to-heart with the plant-man. Blue was playing with Itachi's pretty hair. Kakuzu was showing Leader, Kisame, and Hidan his 'special' pictures of everyone's 'private' moments. Leader passed out from shock. Kisame fell down from blood loss, caused by a picture of Itachi jacking of to his picture. Hidan was looking at Kakuzu with eyes filled with respect and lust.

Kisame grabbed a bottle of lube, and pulled Itachi out of the room. Hidan wiggled his hips suggestively, grabbed the other bottle, and headed towards Kakuzu's room. Kakuzu gaped at him, then with some difficulty, followed him. Blue sighed, then picked up Leader, and carried him to his room.

This had been another one of those days.


So most (okay, all) of the disturbing yaoi parts came from Obsessive. Compulsive just lay on the floor, in the fetal position, crying. Review please!

By the way, for anyone who knows about Sai and his 'obsession', how do you think they're going to show those episodes in America?