Summary: They were just boys being boys, how could a simple joke be so close to claiming one son's life and crumbling the mental walls of the other. Will their family ever build the wall back it took so long to put up after Mary's death.
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing but the story idea, Winchesters are the Kripke's and the CW's
A/N: Sorry the chapter took so long, didn't keep my promise, but I did decide to go back and tweek the last to chapters which by now have been delete and rewrited into this chapter along with a new chapter. It made more since to me. So read, review, send chocolate. It's all good.
Dr. Lang had met a lot of people working in the hospital, but none of them as amiable as the Winchesters. It broke her heart to see John and those boys in the current situation. She really thought those boys would be all right after Dean and Sam were in the same room, but now she wasn't so sure. Sam had developed a nasty infection according to Dr. Kirkland and his body was putting up one hell of a fight trying to fight it off. And Dean, sure he was no longer catatonic, but the guilt was eating him alive
"Come in!" Dr. Lang yelled from his chair. John had wanted to meet with her. He had his own problems, and something told her that he wasn't the type of man to accept help easily.
"Hey Doc, I really have to thank you for talking to me. I know how high your price is."
"John I'm happy to do this. You have a lot on your plate right now and something tells me you need this talk." Dr. Lang said sympathetically, "So, shoot."
"I just don't know what to do." John had just broken down. She couldn't believe this seeming strong man had done this. "I love those boys, I can't lose them. And I know if I lose one I might as well lose both. What do I do? Tell me!"
"I know you need answers John, but I'm not the person you should be asking. "The only thing I can say is prey John, god works in mysterious ways."
"GOD! You think god left a six month old baby and his four year old brother without a mother for a reason. You think god, would take everything from us, from me. It's hard being a single parent. I have no idea what I'm doing Dr. Lang."
"John, they're going to be okay, and you need to stop stressing yourself out. And as for god, your sons are that and that is a lot to be thankful for, and don't you ever doubt that."
"You sound like Mary. Every time I complained about work she would take a frying pan to my head, trying to knock some since into me. "
"I think I would like your wife. She sounds like my kind of person." Dr. Lang said with a smile.
"Yeah, I amazed me how good of a mother she was. She tucked Dean and Sam in every night, told them angels were watching over them, and sung to each of them."
"Sounds amazing, but I want to know about you John."
"Me, I'm not half as good of a parent as Mary, if this is just between you and me, when Sam and Dean would have bad dreams I could never comfort them, I didn't have a clue how." John laughed halfheartedly.
"John I've seen you with those boys, and you'd be surprised with how good a father you are." She nodded. "John I have to go check on Dean, its noon, care to join me."
"I couldn't refuse if I wanted to, he is my son, or so I've been told" Dr. Lang laughed.
Dean lay in his bed; he had been watching his brother restlessly sleep for hours. He just wanted Sam to wake up, so he could apologize. After all it was his fault Sam was here to begin with. Sam was perfectly healthy before he decided to play a joke on Sam, and now an infection Sam should have been able to fight this, but because of him Sam was burning up with fever, and struggling to hold on.
Dean wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to die. Sammy didn't need him anyway. God, Dean hated emotions. It was the only thing he couldn't control. "I'm sorry Sammy." Dean cried, tears forming in him ducts as he tried with all his might to keep them at bay.
"Dean?" Dr. Lang said, "May I come in?"
Dean turned to see his doctor, and then he turned away. It wasn't that he didn't like her. It was that he didn't deserve anyone caring for him. He nodded though.
"Dean I want you to tell me about your self-esteem." She said looking in his eyes, "I know it's usually a girl's subject, but I think you're struggling with it, and it concerns me."
"They're all I live for, you know? I don't know if I could go on living if Sammy died…and I feel so selfish for that, because if me and Sammy both are gone, my dad wouldn't be any more likely to go on than I. And that scares me."
Dean was usually pliable in their sessions, so she figured he was getting somewhere. "Dean…"
"Most people would think I do, Dad and Sam, but I avoid looking at myself in the mirror every time I go into a bathroom, I sicken myself. " Dean muttered angrily.
Dr. Lang couldn't help but watch the young man before her; he was so vulnerable and guilty over things he shouldn't feel guilt over. "Dean, I want to do some confidence affirmations. They're declarations about you. They concentrate on the good, and push the bad aside. Every day, I want you to say them in the mirror. We will do the first couple together." She said motioning to the mirror on the wall over the sink. "Repeat this to yourself out loud in the mirror 'I am Dean Winchester and I am a handsome young man.'" Dean stared at her like she had three heads, "Come on say it, I'm not leaving until you do."
"I'm Dean Winchester and I am a handsome young man." Dean said dispassionately
"Good Dean, but when I come back this afternoon, I want it to sound like you mean it, okay?" She said with raised eyebrows. He nodded. "Your dad's waiting outside, so I going to leave now." She said as she walked out the door and motioned to someone on her left it was okay to come in.
John and Dr. Kirkland had been talking about Sam's condition when Dr. Lang came out of the room and sent the okay to go in. John nodded and they both when in the room to see Dean going back to his bed, as if he was afraid of his shadow.
"Morning Dean." John said
"Hey dad." Dean said as he continued to stare at Sam as the doctor checked on him.
"So what did you and Dr. Lang talk about today?" Dean shrugged. That wasn't what John wanted from the boy, but Dean would tell him when he was ready.
"So, Dr. Kirkland, how is Sam today?" John said knowing Dean needed some reassurance.
"Better, his breathing is still pretty good, not great, but good and his fever is down to 100.1 degrees. His sight infection is looking a lot better to, not so red today. I'll give it three more to get out of his system completely."
"That's good, that's good. " John said as he turned his attention back to Dean, "See Dean your brother is going to be just fine, no worries."
Yeah no worries. Dean thought as he turned back to his brother.
Dean sat in front of the mirror, everything in him wanted him to be able to say those simple words, and mean them, but there was always another side. The side that, that told him he wasn't worth a hill of beans. "Why is this so hard for me?"
"Dean? What's hard for you?"
Dean turned around and looked at Sammy, he still looked a little delirious, but at least he was awake. Now all Dean had to do was apologize.
"It's nothing Sammy, go back to sleep." Dean said, before he cursed at himself for losing his chance once again.
"Dean?" Sam said again
"You'd never lie to me, would you?"
"Of course not, you're my brother. Dad, that's a different story." Dean said as he faked his signature grin.
"Will you tell me what is hard then?"
Dean sighed; he knew Sam wasn't going to let this go. "Um…I have to do affirmations, Sammy. My doctor thought it would help."
Dean listened as Sam's breathing sped up. "Dean, you aren't dying, are you? I'll miss you if you're gone." Sam gasped between sobs and tears. "Please don't leave; I don't want to be alone. You're my best friend."
"Sammy…I, I'm not dying. When I said doctor I meant my psychiatrist. Don't worry though; I'm not crazy, just a little broken."
"Like our toy soldiers?" Sammy said innocently.
"Exactly like the toy soldiers Sammy."
"Can I help fix you?" Sam said.
Dean knew Sam was struggling, health wise, but he could never deny his kid brother anything when he made those eyes. "Sure, Sammy, but let me come over there, okay?" He nodded.
Dean lay next to Sam on the bed with a small mirror. "All you got to do is compliment yourself, At least that's what it sounds like… see, watch" Dean looked into the mirror, he knew he couldn't mess this up, not in front of Sam. "I am Dean Winchester and I am a handsome young man."
"Oh, so I would say…I am Sam Winchester and I'm a good person." Dean nodded, "It's your fault." Dean paused, fear wrapping itself around his heart.
"Sammy…I d-didn't mean. I-I was just playing around with you. I didn't mean to do this to you." Dean said exasperatedly. He wasn't angry at Sam, but at himself. "Sam, I'm…I'm just…sorry, I'm a horrible brother."
"Dean, what are you talking about? You're the best big brother. It's your fault that I'm a good kid. God only knows what'd I'd be without you….God only knows what this family would be without you." Sam said smiling at his brother.
"Sam..I don't know what to say." Dean said as he swiped the tears from his eyes and gave Sam a bear hug. All most instantaneously Sam's monitors started blaring. "Sam?"
"Dean…m-my…it hurts." Sam murmured into Dean's shoulder.
"Hush, Sam, it's all right the doctors are going to make you better." Dean said as he tried to remain calm. He didn't want to make Sam nervous, but the kid looked worst than hell and felt like he was in standing in the fires of hell.
Dr. Kirkland was in his office eating lunch when his pager went off. He half wanted to ignore it and half wanted to throw it away, but he cared about his patients well being why too much to be that evil. Dr. Kirkland ran across the room, grabbed his pager, and ran from the room.
Damn it, Sam can't have these setbacks, kid was already suffering.
Dr. Kirkland made record time getting to Sam's room. "Dean, can you move back a little? I need to check Sam." He yelled as he ran into the room.
Dean leaped from the bed and watched as Dr. Kirkland checked Sam's vitals. "Sam…Sam?" He yelled as the kid ignored him.
"He said something hurt. He didn't say what though." Dean shouted over Dr. Kirkland's shoulder.
The doctor pulled back the bedding and lifted the hospital gown. Oh God…
Dr. Kirkland tried to save his panic at seeing the child's bruised abdomen. He pressed the call button on the phone and paged the nurse's station, "I need a CT in room…."
Dean tried to ebb his anxiety as he listened to the doctor words. "Oh god…please don't do this Sammy."
Doctor Kirkland waited at the door as two nurses bought a gurney in for Sam. "Dean, I don't know where your father is, but you need to get him here fast"
Dean and John waited restlessly. Doctor Kirkland said the CT was only going to take no more than an hour and the tests he ordered for Sam were not suppose to take this long. It had been hours since they took a very agitated Sam away.
"Dad?" Dean paused, "Do you think Sam got that Septicemia Doctor Kirkland was concerned about?"
"Dean, your brother is going to be fine; it's just a little setback. He'll be as hyperactive as ever by the end of the week." John coaxed as he smile sadly at Dean.
"We're studying the lymphatic system is Anatomy class. Dr. Surles said that after a splenectomy you're susceptible to septicemia, because the spleen filters and cleanses blood. What if it happens to Sam? It has a high mortality rate dad."
"First of all Dean, your brother is a Winchester, he's strong. He's not going down unless it is swinging. And you better believe it won't be against an infection. You understand?" John looked at Dean to make sure he really understood. "Secondly, you pay attention in you pay attention to other stuff besides the female anatomy. I'm surprised."
Dean smile, "I'm hurt, you really think I'm that frivolous."
"Now I know you're not my Dean…frivolous. What are you Sam junior?" Dean laughed, it was a nice distraction, and he needed it for however long he could get it. Him and his father both.
"Knock, Knock!" Dean and John turned around, replacing there banter with stone-faced expressions as they confronted Dr. Kirkland. "Sorry to interrupt your repartee and all that jazz, but I have someone who wants to join the party." He said as two orderlies rolled Sam into the room. He looked tired, but he was awake and smiling.
"Do we have good news or is Sam high as a kite on the good stuff?" Dean said wanting answers. He and his father had waited too long on baited breath and they wanted a breath of relief.
"I have some good news, some bad news. You choose." He said quickly.
"I don't care just give me some news, we need it." John said half-heartedly.
"Well first off, Sam doesn't have internal bleeding in his abdomen. On the other had he was developing an infection at the surgical site on the stomach, and we caught it in good time. It hadn't developed into septicemia, so we are treating him with a strong antibiotic and lots of fluids. So, no setbacks, Sam will still be out of here in a week or two and moving along with his recovery. How does that sound?"
"Surprisingly good, we were starting to think Winchester luck was going to kill this family." Dean brooded.
"Well maybe that Winchester luck is changing for the better." Dr. Kirkland said as he turned and left the broken family in his wake.
Well, that was the revised chapter, hope you all approve- and don't forget to press the cute little purple button and review