Dedicated to my mum, because I miss her.
This is an angsty fic, that originated when I went on a fluff spree, and I don't know why or how. Anyway, it demanded to be written, so here you go. Please R&R
I beta'd :o) and… make sure you have a tissue just in case. Or at least a sleeve. sniff lots of love, Lady Timelord xxx
The day Rose Tyler died again.
Rose sat on the beach, oblivious to the cold of the air around her. Everyone else – her mum, dad, and Mickey – had all gone to a nearby Café for a drink and something to eat. Rose had declined their offer of going with them – saying she wasn't hungry, which was true. She was sitting in pretty much exactly the same spot in which she had been standing when she had said her last words to the Doctor, not half an hour ago.
All Rose could feel at the moment was the most powerful sense of nothing she had ever felt. It consumed her, swallowed her insides, and left a gaping void inside. She let out a small sob. She had never realised that nothing could feel so painful. Her mind was spinning with memories, what-ifs, why's, how's and pain – just pain. Pain that wasn't so much of a feeling as a thought, because she could see it. It was like an angry red blot on stark white paper. It looked like hands, wringing out the happiness of whatever it touched. Even her memories, which hurt more than anything, because she needed those.
Even the memories of the hugs were tainted by that angry red blot, so that all Rose could see was what she had lost, unable to focus on all she had gained.
Even the memories of the running – of which there had been so much – were tainted, so that Rose saw it as running towards the inevitable danger that awaited them, rather than running away from it.
And the memories that had been tainted the most, the memories which she desperately needed to be untouched were the memories of him just being him – whether she remembered him brooding silently, or talking at three hundred miles an hour, she no longer looked upon the memories with love and affection, but with a sense of loss, and an overwhelming desire to cry. Which is what she did.
She cried until she couldn't breathe, and then carried on. She cried until she felt sick, and then cried some more. She cried until, at last, she had no more tears left in her to cry. And then, she stood up, and forced the pain to the back of her mind, along with all her memories. She forced the feeling of nothing away, to be replaced by a different kind of nothing – a nothing that left her unfeeling.
On the 7th of July, on our universe, Rose Tyler died. She was told so a few months later on a parallel universe. And on the same day that she was told, she said goodbye to the one she loved for the last time. On the same day that she said goodbye, she pushed every ounce of emotion from her body because it was too painful otherwise.
And so, in essence, Rose Tyler died all over again.